adrianna

20

Adrianna pov

My shaky hands take the small red box out of my bag. I get the key from my pocket and unlock it. I'm hit with the smell of weed but that's not what I need right now.

I just need a few lines. I make two lines on my phone screen and snort the last of my cocaine. Almost instantly my hands stop shaking and I feel fine. I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I wipe my eyes and nose as I flush the toilet. I stand up on stronger legs, ignoring the pain between them and I put everything back into my bag. I straighten my back and lift my chin. I calm myself as I make sure my face and neck is still covered as I walk out of the bathrooms.

I check my schedule and I see I have science.

I slowly make my way into the class, the teacher glancing at me before going back to the class. I see a vacant seat in the back row so I sit in it. None of my brothers or their friends are in this class, luckily. I don't think I could deal with them right now.

I don't pay attention to anything the teacher is saying. I can't. My mind is constantly seeing Nikolai. His eyes. His hair. His smile. I can hear him. I can smell him. It's as if he's really here.

I start to sweat but I keep control of myself. I control my breathing and keep it even. I turn it all off. I push the good and bad memories down and out of my head.

I turn completely and utterly numb.

It feels like freedom.

I put earphones in and lean my head on the desk. I close my eyes and focus on the music. 

'Treehouse' starts playing and I feel calmness wash through me. I'm okay. Everything is okay.

I can't tell anyone. I can't.

I feel like I'm exploding. My soul feels dull. It wants to feel loved but rejects it. It trades the joy it craves for protection. It has to unless it wants to be buried in darkness. If it wants to live.

I feel like I'm drowning again. I keep my eyes closed and my head on the table. I don't dare move. If I do I feel like I'm going to snap.

The bell goes meaning it's break.

I was in the principles office longer than I realised. I was being violated longer than I realised. I was completely useless for longer than I realised.

I lift my head, keeping my face covered as I slowly get out of my seat and head for the door.

I keep my music blasting. It's the only thing keeping my sane right now. I can still feel his hands all over me. I can feel his touch. I can't get rid of it. It's as if his touch is staying to make fun of me. To taunt me. To remind me I lost. That I will never win. That I will never find happiness.

That life sucks shit.

His voice is in my head. His marks are on my body. I didn't do anything. I was trained for 8 years and I couldn't fucking stop someone from touching me.

So much anger is inside of me, my hands start shaking. I hide them in my hoodie pockets. My vision goes fuzzy. As I walk to the cafeteria I take many deep breaths.

I don't feel any better but I have better control over myself. I see my brothers sitting at a table with their friends. But I don't need them right now. I look for Jason. He has what I want. Just until tonight, when I can get more.

I sit next to him. I don't bother hiding my bluntness or desperation.

"Do you have any cocaine?"

He looks a little shocked by my answer.

"No, I don't do that shit Adrianna. You shouldn't either. What is up with you today?"

I want to cry. He doesn't have anything I need and he's asking questions that I can't answer.

I give him a nod and a small smile as I stand up and go towards my brothers table. I can feel the worried gaze from Jason the whole time.

I sit next to Xander and rest my head on his shoulder, keeping my neck covered with my hair. He kissed the top of my head. I close my eyes, focusing on my music. I'm going to be okay.

It's not like this hasn't happened before. It's not any different. I'm overreacting. Get over yourself Adrianna. Stop thinking about yourself for once.

But I can't.

I feel like giving up. I want the darkness to swallow me whole.

What am I worth anymore?

I've been tossed around with so many men, do I even have any worth?

I'm so broken on the inside. My mind is constantly dark. Cocaine can fix this. I'll be okay. It makes me feel a little more relaxed. It makes me feel happy.

I'll just go out tonight and buy some more cocaine off one of the dealers at a bar. Simple.

I feel an intense gaze on me and I open an eye to see Diego staring at me. What does he want? I raise my brows at him in question. He narrows his eyes and moves his gaze to my hair.

The hair that's on my neck. My hair didn't move did it? The bruise is covered right? I'm such an idiot. I should of concealed it with makeup. How can I get any more dumb? Any more useless?

I excuse myself and quickly get up and go to the bathroom.

I look in the mirror and my neck is covered in purples, blues and reds. It's swollen, and my throat hurts so much. I don't want to try to talk, already knowing it's useless. How am I meant to hide this for weeks? Make up won't be enough. I've had worse done to me in Russia, but I never had to hide it from so many people all the time.

I text Xavier saying I feel sick and went home in Adrien's car.

***

When I get home I run into my room and I'm greeted with Azrael. I hug him so tight, I don't know if he's managing to breathe. I made sure to feed him this morning but I feel like giving him a treat.

When I give it to him, I go into my bathroom, desperate to have a shower. I need to wash his touch off me. I need to escape. I turn the hot on all the way, not bothering to turn the cold on.

I get in, too desperate for a shower to take my bra and panties off. The whole bathroom starts fogging up. The water is burning my skin, bringing me a feeling of peace.

I can still feel his touch on me. I scrub my skin so hard, I could of ripped a whole layer off, but I can still feel his touch. It won't leave. Why won't it leave?!

My breathing picks up. I'm trapped.

I start to get light headed so I sit down as I continue to shower.

I think I hear Az starting to bark but I ignore it. I start fading in and out of consciousness. The barking, my thoughts, the shower, everything. It's so loud. I hold my head, hoping to relieve it but it does nothing.

Then all of a sudden everything stops.

Silence.

And the world goes black.

****
Word count: 1292

Thank you to everyone who has been reading this book!!! I hope you all have an amazing day! ❤️❤️