Smoke of His Breath // Ethan Torchio

lesson 92: leaving him behind is a bad idea

Hey :') i kinda feel terrible right now. So instead of crying at my own problems I'm writing sad chapters in the middle of the night from my phone. I love that for me🥲

Enjoy, Asteria.

Have we gone too far?
Have we lost our minds?
Imitating the seasons
And we fall behind
(Scars- Michael Malarkey)

Damiano threw his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it to put it out as he was walking near me.

"The bus leaves in 20 minutes." he said. "I got the tickets."

I looked at him. When he saw that my lips were shivering, he opened his eyes hugely.

"No. Carmen, no. You just stopped crying. You can't start again." he panicked.

"Hey," I curled my lips, being bratty. "I just had a huge fight with my boyfriend and got kidnapped by a dilf. Have patience with me," I said.

I was trying to joke and lighten up the mood for Damiano. Because he was doing all these nice things for me as favors. I had tons of reasons to cry and his kindness ,which i didn't deserve,  was one of them.

He laughed and wiped up the tear I had unintentionally shed with his thumb. "Your eyes are all swollen and ugly," he said. "You have to stop crying so I don't have to witness ugly eyes."

I hit his arm. "You're a jerk." I said. He knew it was my way of thanking him.

His phone rang.  I had no idea what he had told the others. He had been sending texts ever since we left the hotel. I was trying to not think about what we had left there. Who we had left there. So I had never asked him.

He pulled his phone out of his back pocket. I couldn't read who it was but every body move Damiano made in panick made me sure of who it was.

"It's..." he murmured. "I'll be back in a minute."

"It's okay." I said trying to ignore the weight off of my chest but he had left without hearing me.

He walked away. I tried not to look at his direction. I leaned on the bus behind me. People had started to settle in. All of them ready for a new adventure. Some of them were going to see a place they'd never seen before.  That place was someone else's home. Maybe one of them was going to meet up with a beloved relative. There were different lives in every seat of the bus.

There was a good chance that I was the only one leaving the love of her life behind.

The thought hurt me. I had left him behind because he had implied that we were over.

I was scared to admit what I heard. I was scared to admit it to myself. But he had said it to my face without being scared. He was brave enough to tell me we had nothing else left.

When the tears started to wet my cheeks, I pulled out a cigarette. It had been hard to light it because I couldn't really focus on lighting the lighter. My hands felt week just like the rest of my body.

I leaned my head on the bus and looked up. To the stars. The weather had gotten dark. The place was being ligthened by the weak light coming from the bus stop.

I took a breath of my cigarette. I tried my best to shut my brain off but even though I didn't want to I could hear Damino's voice. Because he had raised it.

"Stop yelling at me." he yelled through the phone. "I did what I had to do."

He waited a couple seconds for an answer. In the mean time he lit himself a cigarette with his left hand.

"Would it be better if she left without me?" he said and added, angry by whatever he heard from the other side. "Oh please don't act like you don't know her."

He was walking around while arguing on the phone. I hated myself for this. I had no right to make them live this. I already had broken Thomas and Ethan's friendship. I would never forgive myself if the same thing happened again.

"You need time Ethan. Both of you." Damiano talked boredly.

"I'm not going to fucking argue with you," he said after a while. "But we're not coming back either. You guys can sort it out when you're ready. At home. Not at a damn hotel."

He hung up after that. Even though his cigarette wasn't finished he threw it away. Before coming back he ran his fingers through his hair with anger. I could see him breathing to calm down.

When he started to walked my way, I looked at the stars again. My cigarette was continuing to burn between my fingers but I wasn't smoking it.

"Hey," he said. "Are you ready to go?" he asked cheerfully. I couldn't understand how he could change his mood so quickly.

I looked at him and said "Yeah."

He frowned. "Did you cry?"

"No." I denied and started to walk to the bus' door. I heard him call
me a liar as I was taking the few stairs to bus. I turned around and sticked my tounge out. He laughed it off.

We reached to our seats and sat down. When we did, I felt exhausted. I had no idea how I had managed to stay up for so long.

It was easy when joking around with Damiao. But when I was silent, that's when all the internal screamings started.

I placed my head onto Damiano's shoulder. I had already started to cry.

"Thank you." I whispered. He didn't say anything and instead he rubbed my arm with his fingers.

I fell asleep crying and this time, we didn't mock about my crying.

*

I woke up when Damiano told me to.

"We have arrived." he said. Opening my eyes had been painful. I had been crying way too much that my eyes were burning.

Before I could comprehend what was happening, Damiano made us take off the bus. I looked around. The sun had almost completely risen. I  was sleeping for the whole road that it all had felt like a short time.

"Where do you want to go?" he asked.
I looked at my phone. It was almost 5.30.

"Home." I said. I felt too tired. I don't know was it the road trip or my emotions drowning me. But I felt tired. Even being in existence felt like heavy work.

"Okay." he said. "Let me ask for a cab."

I looked at where we are. We were close enough. "Can I walk?" I asked. "You can go home with a cab if you want. It'd be better if I stayed alone a bit," I said but than I added immediately. "Don't get me wrong I'm glad you're here. I appreciate it a lot. I just need a moment alone. Besides I should take a shower, I stink."

He laughed. "Okay I get it." he said. "Let's walk to your place together. And I'll go from there to Hanna's place if it's late enough." he said. I nodded appreciatedly. "And yes, you stink." he said.

I tried to laugh but failed pathetically. But I was able to hit his arm with my shoulder. He laughed again.

We walked through the brezing air until we reached my house.

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Good night my loves <3