Smoke of His Breath // Ethan Torchio

lesson 88: don't break a heart if you know you own it

Guys I've been playing this scene/chapter over and over in my head for months.

MONTHS!

here it finally is...

Content warning: part 1 of the biggest fight in my writing history :')

jk

maybe

Don't you dare surrender
Don't leave me here without you
'Cause I could never
Replace your perfect imperfection

(imperfection - evanescence)

I hung up the phone without saying anything. Completely frozen.

Thomas was repeatedly asking what was wrong but I was unable to give an answer.

Was I supposed to be upset? I think I wasn't upset. I was more afraid. Afraid of what Ethan might've feel. Would he be upset?

I was selfish. I was selfish and I was thinking of myself. I was thinking of how the fuck I was supposed to tell him this. It was a hard thing to explain. I shouldn't have answered the phone in the first place but now I had to tell him that I called his mother without his permission. I couldn't believe myself for wanting to hide it. I never had hidden anything from him.

"Carmen? Talk please. I'm getting nervous." Thomas was saying. I realized I hadn't given him an answer.

"I called Isabella." I said. I knew Thomas had already figured it out. But I needed to have said it out loud. I wanted to remind myself how much I had fucked up.

"O-okay." he said. "What did she say?"

He sounded more like he wanted to ask "why did you call" but he hadn't.

"Ethan's father. He is dead." I said.

Thomas's expression didn't change. Like me, he probably didn't know what to think either.

Before neither of us could say anything, I saw Ethan approaching us. I couldn't read his face. But his steps were fast and steady. His face was as cold as ice. Was he angry? What was he angry at? I hated the distance I felt. I hated how I was uncomfortable by him. He had taught me that there was a feeling called comfortable. He had been my comfort. But now, his arrival was making me stop breathing.

"Carmen?" he called my name askingly. His expression smoothened slightly when he saw the scared emotion I had in my eyes. "You're as pale as paper. Is everything alright," he looked at Thomas with the side of his eye while saying this and turned back to me to talk. "Others said you weren't with them. Why did you left without waiting for me?"

His voice sounded interrogating. He knew it wasn't like me to ran away. He knew me too well. He could tell I was hiding something by the way I breathed. Of fucking course he knew.

"I... Ethan we need to talk." I said.

"Yes," he said. "Obviously."

The coldness in his voice wasn't helping me calm down. It was reminding me of his attitude in the beginning of the year. I couldn't exactly figure out what he was so upset about. He was already tense because of his mother probably and when I acted weirdly he was confused. I knew confusion made him angry.

Neither of us said anything. I could sense that he was waiting for Thomas to leave but he wasn't saying anything. I decided to do it for him.

"Thomas, I ,uh, appreciate but can we-"

He understood what I was trying to say and he interrupted. "Are you sure? I can stay. You look like you might want some support." he looked worried.