Smoke of His Breath // Ethan Torchio

lesson 57: graveyard of hurtful thoughts cannot be removed from earth

Heyy!!!! I'm back
Enjoy,
*

She
She's figured out
All her doubts were someone else's point of view
Waking up this time to smash the silence with the brick of self control
Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you?

Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?
Scream at me until my ears bleed
I'm taking heed just for you
(She-Green Day)

content warning: parental issues, abondamment and kind of dark thoughts

I stood in front of my house for a while, waiting Thomas to leave my sight. I couldn't go back to home. I didn't want to go back home. I watched him disappear in the dark so I could go to Damiano's place.

"Aren't you coming in?" I heard someone say. When I turned around, I saw my mom standing at the door of my house.  She looked calm but I knew she was angry.

"No." I said. I didn't know why I wasn't moving and walking away. My body was still frozen with what just happened.

"That wasn't the boy from the other day." she said.

Yeah mom. Thanks for reminding me.

"Non of your business."  I said to her. She was still standing in the door and I was outside of it, looking at her.

"Come in Carmen. So we can talk." she said in a bossy way.

"Thanks but the last thing I need right now is you screaming at me , telling me how disgusting I am."

She looked into my eyes. I responded back. I was proud of myself for maintaining the eye contact. I knew I showed no emotions through my eyes right now.

"I'm not gonna say you are disgusting. I just think you lost your way and I want to be here to get you back on your track for once."

I realized I needed someone to talk to but no matter how much I craved it, she was the last person I would talk about my problems. She didn't deserve to know me.

"Screw you," I said and walked away. I took a few steps on the street and sat on the pavement when I felt like I didn't have the strength to walk further.

What Thomas did and said had confused me. Not that I was questioning my feelings. I wasn't. I was clearer about them for that
matter.

This whole day had made me realize I had no feelings left for Thomas and all I wanted was Ethan.

But it had confused me. Because I was scared of being this attached to Ethan. It was starting not to he healthy, to be this deep in.

And on the other way, Thomas was being so confounding. One day, he acted like he didn't give a shit about me but in the next, he was all about flirting. I really couldn't understand his intention and even though it didn't matter, I couldn't stop but worry about it.

Everything had happened so quickly and as much as I did my best to stay strong about everything, things were starting to get out of control to a point where it was exceeding me.

I didn't have a word to say in my life and I hated it. I felt like suffocating. Everything felt too much. Air felt too much.