Smoke of His Breath // Ethan Torchio

lesson 89: never forget what he means to you

Is this heartbreak season for everyone?

Also who do you think is right in the situation? What would you do if you were Ethan or what would you do if you were Carmen? I wanna know it all.

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest

(all to well- Taylor Swift )

*

I sometimes felt like everything I did wrong, was the way I supposed to do it. How could something so wrong, so bad, so harmful could feel so right?  I trusted my instincts. I always had. Maybe my brain was too stupid to warn me. Maybe my emotions were too powerful. Maybe too weak to actually mean something.

I knew what I did was wrong.I knew I shouldn't have interfered, I shouldn't have lied. But among all the "I shouldn't have's" , deep down I knew I would do the same thing over and over again. The fact that I still hadn't told Ethan about his father was proving my point. I was a bad person who kept repeating her mistakes. 

"You're here." I talked slowly when I finally found Ethan in the hotel room. I had walked around to find him after a while he left and as last choice, I had came to our hotel room as a last choice to find him here.

"I am." he said. "Sorry that I left. I didn't want to say anything I'd regret."

I didn't really want to add fuel to the fire but I was actually angry. Angry because he had left me hanging. He had chose to run away instead of facing our problem.

"What do you have so much to be angry about that you wouldn't even talk to me?" I asked, my voice coming of stronger than I anticipated. He was sitting on the bed. He wasn't looking at me. His elbows were resting on his knees and he had put his head between his hands.

"I don't know." he said. "I fucking don't know what the fuck is wrong."

He wasn't making it easier to talk. 

"Well clearly something is wrong so talk to me about it." I said. I wasn't sure if I was sounding angry or sympathetic. Maybe it was a mix of both.

He moved his head up to look at me. 

"Why did you leave early to talk to Thomas?" he asked slowly. I couldn't understand why he was always turning back at this Thomas thing. It was making me angry. Was he fucking not trusting me? 

"Why are we always issuing on Thomas, Ethan? Why? Do you not trust me? Do you not trust your fucking friend? You are making this a bigger thing than it is."

He stood up. "Yes. Yes I am making it a big deal." he said, his voice raising higher. "I am making it a deal because he is starting to forgive. If he forgives, he'll go back to his old self. His better self. For the first time you'll be around him when he is in his charming version. I am making it a deal because you already started to run away from me to see him."

What I'm hearing was making my blood boil. We had been together for months. We had witnessed each others' everything. I couldn't possibly comprehend the fact that he was still feeling insecure about this.