versions 1.3-1.6 (Diary 1) [ARCHIVED]

10/11/2021

10/11/2021

intro i guess

heyo! so this is my first diary entry, nothing much happened today, day 4 of year 12 and i hate it, i also hate the fact that i'm in love with a girl (yes i'll be talking about her alot cause to me she's everything, sad i know), who has a boyfriend (with the dumbest name ever but i'm bias so just ignore my salt) and she also has no feeling for me what so ever, i just hate it so fucking much, do you know the anguish of having your best friend also being your love interest, like i contemplate just stopping hanging around with her but, hahahahahhaha, no! simply put i don't have many friends, i'm a social outcast, got a few mental disorders so i'm a fucking nut case, anyway i'm getting off topic, so as i was saying i don't have many friends, i have her, and a few others, but she's my closest friend as well as my dearest friends, i couldn't live without her, i'd be alone again and i'm terrified of being alone. apart from my family i only had a few friends in my childhood, but we all but cut ties with each other during the time we went to highschool, for the majority of my first year i didn't have many friends, i guess that's inaccurate in a sense i had one friend who i'll just call v, v was a nice enough girl, but she was... off, don't get me wrong she was super kind (wouldn't say nice but kind fits) but she wasn't "normal" (the irony of me calling someone else not "normal" isn't lost on me) she had an unnatural interest in a childrens show (i did at the time to, to be fair), and she was super naive. she may have been naive but that didn't bother me at the time, i was to, and i couldn't make new friends no mater how much i desperately wanted them, anyways time went on, she confesed to me that she had feelings for me (1. i rejected her cause i simply had no feelings for her 2. that's probably how the girl i like now feels so... idk) and yadda yadda, and all my life just remained in limbo, i stopped going to school, i'd cry every morning at the thought, and i was alone, so desperately alone, until one day i went to a idk what type of ist it was psychiatrist or whatever where i got prescribed with medication (which change my life), i started going to school, and i met her, for ease sake imma call her T for... none of your damned business, anyways we met in class and ever since i've been a leech to her side, i won't leave her side, i'm always there in the morning when she first arrives, 3 classes together, snack and lunch, u name it i'm there for her, i wouldn't hesitate for a second to put my life on the line for her, and i love her with all my heart, and i've told her that i have feelings for her but that i knew she couldn't feel them for me, she has a boyfriend for god sake i'm not going to put her through that are u kidding me i love her to much to put her through stressful situation like that, so i just opted to reject myself, honestly i can't tell how she feels about me, i'm shit at picking up social cues and she hasn't told me once, i know i mean alot as a friend to her but how does she feel about me? i know she doesn't feel the same but the what if is a constant pain. whatever it's late and i'm tired i'll update this tomorrow if i feel up to it, goodnight diary, fuck it i'll publish this and then go to sleep, maybe some other people can relate, idk, goodnight! and see u soo