Snowflake

Thirty Six

I am officially the best Mario Kart player I have ever met. And I have been to like professional gaming events, I am crushing Mason so hard right now I almost feel bad. I even tried to lose to him last race just to boost up his ego. But it's like he is driving backwards. I stopped in the track for three whole minutes and he did not reach me. That is literally impossible, plus he chose Mario. Who does that? No one plays with Mario, it's just immature. But still he drives a real car, I don't even have a license. Now I am a lot more concerned about letting him drive me around, which has happened at least twice already. I shouldn't trust a driver who can't even play a driving game, just seems suspicious.

Another award ceremony popped into the screen, I was playing with Yoshi because he is the best character and his name sounds like a food. As soon as these awards were happening Mason's player name appeared in last place.

" I lost again. " He said, sounding defeated.

" I think you are better at driving real cars. " I said trying to be consoling.

" Yep. Do you have a license? "

" No. " I answered.

It is actually something I have been thinking about doing for about a year, but still it sounds so scary. I am so easily distracted, imagine if I see a cute dog on the street and crash my car and die. That would be the stupidest form of death ever, distracted by adorable animals.

" I am too scared. " I completed,  sitting further into the living room couch.

" Why? "

" Cause, I have no coordination. Plus I will get distracted, and it's just so much adrenaline. I am not a huge fan of adrenaline. "

" Mario kart is pure adrenaline. " He said sitting back on the pillows, finally letting go of the controller.

" I agree. But I won't die if I crash. " I tried to make my point come across.

" That is actually a good point. " He gave in. " Sometimes I wish reality was less brutal, like you had nine lives or you could restart. " He said looking at me. " Like if you mess something up you could do it again, like in video games. " He completed.

" Like having a redo button. " I suggested.

" Yep. "

" Well if I had a redo button, I would probably not call you an asshole at the event. "

" No. I deserved that. "

" Yeah, you kind of did. "

He thought for a little while.

" I would just rewatch my life and fix all of my mistakes. " He said with wondering eyes.

" I think sometimes mistakes are actually good. You can learn from them. You know, like not picking the character I suggested and then losing all the races. " He laughed. 

" I actually kind of have something to ask you." I started, trying to build the courage to ask the question of all questions as my dad was calling it. I didn't plan out a promposal or an elaborate prank. I just wanted it to be honest and simple,  just like it is right now.

" They are having a junior prom this weekend in my school. And I wanted to ask you to come with me. "

He looked at me with a smile for a couple of seconds. His face looked as if he was surprised but still holding it together, a composed surprise.

" I would love to. " He answered.

I was going to add ' as friends '  but the moment was too perfect to be ruined by my insecurities. After all, I am pretty sure he knows that already. Does he? Now I am rethinking all of my decisions in life.

I am not a huge fan of shopping, first of all because I don't like looking at myself in the mirror, and to try on clothes you need to take your clothes off. Which means being semi naked in a place that has zero privacy. And usually the air conditioning is really cold and the mirrors make me dizzy. And I feel exposed.

But Olivia convinced me to be here, and since I am an amazing friend and overall fantastic person, I am. She said this is what friends do. Go dress shopping for prom. And to be honest I have no knowledge of what friends do since I didn't have any. So I just agreed.

We have been in the store for a while and I haven't found anything that I like. I am thinking simple but not pajamas, a camouflageable color, and something that I can wear sneakers with. Also breathing is a prime requisite, and I don't like tight things. So it has been hard to find something to match my standards.

" Did you find anything? " Olivia asked, carrying at least five dresses on her arms.

" Ummm, not really. "

" Well, just keep looking , I will go try these on. " She said, already walking away.

" Okay. "

Apart from the fact that I have a bad time picking clothing, this place is also very intimidating. The lighting is super harsh and it is super loud. There are so many colors and it seems that everywhere I look there is so much information to take in. And it is causing my anxiety to go up really fast. I try to focus on the clothes, and ignore the fact that I already feel like I can't breath. So many different colors of fabric going through my sweaty hands. I just hope I don't stain anything, cause if I do then I will have to pay for it, and get something that I don't want. Plus all of the people here would judge me, and look at me even more than they already are. And now I really can't breath.

I have to go outside, this is too much. I try to make my way through the corridors of clothing and people, and noises and lights. What am I going to tell Olivia? I can see the door, but there are also so many people outside. It is so crowded, and I won't get any privacy. I walk out of the store and still there are so many people outside. Maybe if I find a restroom I could go in and just breathe for a little bit.

I start walking trying to read all of the signs to find the bathroom, the corridor seems infinite. And there are so many people, and so many stores, and so many lights. This is a nightmare, it really is. I finally find the restroom and walk in. Thankfully there is no line. I go into one of the stalls and sit on the toilet, pants touching the seat and all. I really hope to not get an infection.

I try to take deep breaths and calm down, and remember everything I was taught in therapy. Close my eyes and try to relax and stop paying attention to my breathing. My phone buzzes, it is a text from Olivia asking where I am. I replied that I had to go get some water. So this should buy me a little bit of time.

I continue to try to breathe, and breathe and breath. And I finally start to calm down, my ears stop buzzing and my thoughts are slowing down. Finally I open my eyes and the brightness makes me flinch a little. But I feel better. I stare at the door a couple more minutes and then get out of the stall. I go to the sink and wash my hands, splash some extra water on my face. I actually don't look as bad as I feel, so that is a positive. I dry my hands slowly really focusing on how the paper feels on my hands. Last deep breath.

I need to go out again, even though I don' t want to. I have to. I have to. I step out, through the little hallway and then the big corridor, trying not to look at all the flashing lights. And the people's faces and just concentrate on finding my way back to the store. I also have a horrible sense of direction so that does not help in these situations. I finally found the store. And right in the front right next to the mannequins there is an emerald color dress. It is actually not ugly, now that I look at it. I was not planning on wearing a dress. But all of the pant suits and two pieces I looked at were too fashionable for me. I actually like this. It is loose and simple, but the color is pretty. I pick it up on my size and go to the cashier. I am too nervous to try it on right now. So let's hope it fits. Luckily Olivia is already in the line. I get in behind her.

" That is pretty. " She says looking at my dress.

" Thanks. I like yours too. " She was carrying a dark grey dress, with a little bit of lace. It was very her.

" I am really hungry, we should get some food after this. "

Honestly I just want to leave, and go somewhere calm and cozy, with less intimidating people. But I did see a pizza place while I was walking back. So on a scale from the second panic attack of the day to pizza. I will take my chances.