Snowflake

Twenty Four

I have hardly slept at all. Everything that happened yesterday just made me so confused. Now school feels terrible again. As soon as I walked in, there was James with his football buddies and popular crew. He pretended I didn't exist, which was expected. I just glanced at him as I walked by to see if maybe he would come to his senses and apologize. I hate to admit it but I want him to.

I liked him, he made me laugh, and in some place in my heart, I thought we had a special friendship that would last forever. And that was really stupid and naive. My whole life I have over stressed about things, and our friendship just seemed simple. The only thing I had not over stressed about eded up horribly. Maybe the previous approach of being super anxious in every situation works better.

I thought that if I had friends, school wouldn't feel so bad. I would have people to talk to. But here I am having lunch in the bathroom again, in the stall sitting on the toilet with headphones on, just like old times. Which is not hygienic, but I have been shaky all day. And the early stages of a panic attack began during my first period. 

Paying way too much attention to my breathing, and then thinking I can't breathe. And then knowing that it is just a panic attack. And then getting frustrated because I can't control it, just making the whole thing worse. That is just very disappointing. I thought I was moving forward in life but now I'm just back to step one. I am officially a failure. I should just go back to reading ten books a month and talking to my dog. At least that makes me feel better.

Now I have to get up and go rehearse the presentation with Maxime. And I can't even bring myself to feel excited. I feel really shaky right now. And even though I hate crying, especially in front of people, the tears are in a bubble ready to burst out at any minute. I just hope the bubble can stay intact until I get home. Maxime is waiting for me on the tables outside the library. I try to reattribute the smile he gives when I walk in, but I can't even enjoy the fact that he is happy to see me. Everything is just grey and monotone.

" Hi. " He said while I sat my computer on the table.

" Hey. " I answered.

" Are you okay? " He asked, looking at my face.

" Yeah. I am, I am. " The tears started rolling before I was able to finish the sentence. I sat down trying to compose myself, this day just got so much worse now. I don't want to cry in front of the most beautiful human being on the planet. By the way, I bet he is one of those pretty criers, each tear goes down from each eye perfectly coordinated. I am a horrendous crier, my nose gets runny and my eyes turn red and swollen.

Maxime sits down in front of me, he looks very concerned. Which is something that I did not expect, I thought maybe uncomfortable, aparently we are not that similar after all.

" What happened? "

" It's not important, really. " I said finally getting a hold of the tears.

I did not think this was going to affect me so much, maybe just anger but this is just a mess. I really don't want to cry because of other people. It feels stupid, yet here we are.

" I think it is. Or else you wouldn't be crying. " He said. " You can talk to me. " He completed staring into my irritated eyes. I guess now there is no turning back so here we go:

" My friend came over yesterday. And he, he offended my parents. He said the way we lived is wrong. You know, because of my dads. " I wiped my face with the back of my hand. " And we have been through this before, like everywhere we go people always stare. But, I like this person and I invited him over, so it is my fault."

He looked down for a moment trying to plan out what he was going to say.

" I can tell you that I have been in similar situations. You know my mom is Haitian, and sometimes we will speak Criole in public and people stare. But, I guess that is a little different."

I nodded. 

I wish all we got were stares, and not people saying slurs out loud. And pulling their children away, like we are some sort of virus. And it is even worse because of me, because I don't look like them. Im tan but not tan enough to be like George, and not white enough to be like Vincent. I'm right in the middle. Walking staring at the floor with my shoulders up and my arms crossed. 

" But it is not your fault that the guy is a narrow-minded jerk." He finally completed it.

" Thanks. That really means a lot. "

" Yeah. Any time. " He said smiling.

That one I was finally able to reattribute, and we went back to work on the presentation.

Everyone is staring at me now. We just finished presenting which actually went super well, at least one thing worked today. Now Miss Cleary is supposed to grade us. Which is terrible, but according to her having the grades be public knowledge will make us work harder. Or share your failures with the whole class, who knows.

" That was great guys. " She said adjusting her glasses. " I liked the way you displayed the information on the slides, it was the perfect amount for a smooth read. The only complaint I have is that you could have read less from the slides and have more eye contact with the audience. " She completed.

I wasn't surprised because that was the note I always got. Look at people, more eye contact. Even though I knew the information completely I would still pretend to read it so I could stare at the screen.

" I am giving you an A minus. " She finished.

As I was leaving the classroom Maxime came walking behind me.

" Are you feeling better? "

" Yeah. My brain likes to act up sometimes. Thank you again for the talk, it helped a lot. " I said.

" I am glad I could help. " He paused. " I also wanted to say that I felt really comfortable working with you. And I know that sometimes I am not much of a talker but I had a good time the day of the interview. " He said playing with his hair.

" I also had a great time with you. " I added, very scared of sounding flirty.

We walked together to the parking lot and I took off to Blush n' Blushing, thinking about the day when I cried in front of my crush and ate my sandwich in the bathroom. Which by the way, one of my cucumber slices did fall into the toilet. But, I also confronted my fears and presented next to someone special. And most importantly, I did all of that without having to step on his foot, by accident of course.