Snowflake

Twenty Seven

" To be honest I don't know if it was a date. But I would like to think it was, because then when people ask me about my first date I will have a story."

I arrived at Miss. Gutierrez's office about ten minutes ago. And as I sat down, I decided to talk about the positive things that were happening in my life. Like Maxime and Phoenix. And completely ignore all of my actual problems. It is called strategizing.

" Did he call it a date? " She asked, slowing me down.

" No, because it was also a school project. So we called it a project, but you don't have to name something for it to be real. "

She started to take more notes, if there is one thing I don't like about therapy, is the note taking. I feel like I am being evaluated. And to be honest I am, but still she could be a little bit more discrete and not write down every word I say.

" And it had all of the elements of a first date. It was awkward and cold, and we had food. We split the bill. Which is the right way, like I don't understand this whole 'who invites pays the bill' thing.

She nodded.

" I thought this was supposed to be a conversation type of therapy. " I said.

" It is supposed to be, but it is hard to have a conversation when the other person is talking so much. "

" Ummm. Okay, sorry. " I said really embarrassed. 

I wish I was one of those people who are cute when they are embarrassed. Like hands on the cheeks and blushing type of thing. But instead I just look lost and confused. Which is just my natural everyday state.

" I was kidding, I get paid to listen to you. So you can talk as much as you want. "

" Cool. " I said not knowing how to continue the conversation. 

I have found a way to create awkward silence with a psychologist. They are literally trained to listen to people, my social skills keep getting worse every day. By the end of the year I think I will retire.

" I went to visit Olivia. Because she wasn't in school. "

" That is nice. How was that? "

" Umm, interesting. I mean she is going through some things. Like personal things. Her mom overdosed for the third time, she was taking care of the house and her brother. Her dad was staying at the hospital."

" That is tough."

" I know, imagine that. Sometimes my problems feel like nothing compared to that. No, they are nothing compared to that. Sometimes I don't even know why I am here. Olivia clearly needs this more than I do, look at what she has to deal with. " I admitted.

This is something I always thought about. Everyone has problems but some are bigger than others. Some people don't have food or electricity and they still live. And I am too weak to be able to deal with a panic attack. A panic attack is nothing compared to that.

" People have different problems, and it doesn't mean that one is more important than the other. Your problems are valid. "

" I don't know about that, to be honest. There are so many bad things in the world, literal wars and I am here complaining about my life, and my little middle school bully. In the spectrum of global importance that is nothing. "

" You are not here to solve all of the problems in the world, no one can do that. "

" I know, but I am able to get help because my parents can pay for it. And other people can't. "

" That is just how the world works, Sloan, it is unfair. But maybe by getting better you can help other people, like Olivia."

" I guess. "

" And you can help me, by leaving. Because our time is over and I have another patient. "