Snowflake

Six

I have been seeing Mrs. Gutierrez for six months. And I have to admit that it has helped. At first it was more for my parents than for me. I guess they wanted some certification that they were good parents and that they were not stripping me away from my culture. I am Latinx, I know that because I am obviously not white. Anyone can see that. And on my original birth certificate I have about three hundred names. So it wasn't hard for me to figure it out. And later we found out that my mom was actually Brazilian. So that means that my parents have tried to indulge in 'Latin' culture as much as they can. They watched documentaries, read books and even went to a Latin American Studies class for a while. They even made me read Frida Kahlo's biography. Which did not take that much about Brazilian culture but definitely made me want to have thicker eyebrows.

Their other step was to find me a Latinx influence, and that came when I was needing therapy. We looked specifically for someone who could also " Enhance me in my culture." And don't get me wrong I love what they have done. But if I have to go to another "Cinco de Mayo" party with both of them wearing sombreros I will willingly pour hot sauce into my eyes.

"Sloan."

"Yes."

"Why did you change your answers?."

I had just told her about what happened at English class the other day.

"Umm. I don't know."

Of course I knew. Fear of being judged. My inability at public speaking, the list just goes on.

" Public speaking is an important part of life."

"I get that, but maybe I am just not good at it. And therefore should resign from it."

" You can't just resign a part of life."

" Why?"

" Then we will never get to the root of these issues."

" My issues are not plants." I am proud of making such a good joke so fast. Maybe I should do some stand up comedy. I could be the next John Mulaney. Only a female less white version.

She did not laugh. My dreams have been shattered even before I had a chance to act on them.

" If you are not going to take this seriously, then I don't know if I can help you." She said, seriously.

" Sorry."

" Also, that was a terrible joke."

" Yeah, that was already implied in the awkward silence, but thanks for shattering my ego even further."

" So let's talk about the party."

Mrs. Gutierrez was very gifted at changing subjects. Just a professional at it, so my goal every week was to keep us in the same subject for the whole meeting. And also have less panic attacks, and cope with my feelings in a more healthy way or whatever.

" It's tomorrow. And I think this one is actually like a party, party. With mature people you know . Which I am scared of. People, and maturity. So, it is a double negative."

" Why are you scared of people?"

" Cause they want to talk to me. And then they can say hurtful things and I wouldn't know what to say. And some people want to take advantage of you and like do other things. If you know what I mean."

" I do, but not all people are bad. Maybe you have to trust a little bit more, that way you can open up to people."

" But what if I do and then things go wrong? And then it is too late to reverse them?"

" What if things go right? And you make a new friend or get into your first relationship."

" I don't do relationships."

" All I am saying is that you need to lower your walls a little bit. Let's set a goal for this week. You have to talk to someone at the party."

" Umm. Does the dog count?"

" Our time is over."

" But..."

She already started standing up and walking to the door rushing me out.