Flickers

Chapter 78

It was painful losing your father, it was like the person that knows you so well and has introduced you to this world is now gone.

Sometimes, at night I would lay awake in my bed and imagine if my father was still alive. I envision in my mind that he will continue his change for the better and pamper me like the princess I am according to his words. He would sometimes fight with mom then make amends in a few hours, run to his friends and sneak out to drink some alcohol, and lecture us for fighting like little kids.

Then I would wake up to the reality that all that I have imagined are just made up by me, no matter how much I think of the past it would just give me the feeling of nostalgia as well as dismay.

"Is Eric okay now?"

After visiting Eric's father on St. Peter, I was greeted by my mother and that's when I told her what happened for me to have this abrupt decision of leaving home this night.

"I'm not sure" He was bleak and I saw myself in him two years ago, it was just a moment but it brought me to tears.

"Don't worry, he'll be fine soon, just like us"

I was soon surrounded by the warm embrace of my mother making my last guard melting and tears were finally shed. She didn't say anymore, she just stayed with me and hold me in her eke ace as I cried for my father, for my loving father that has now left me here in this world.

...

It was already Christmas and yet no one could bear to say the name of my father, usually even if we can't celebrate Christmas because of our religion we would still at least cook some foods to commemorate this day.

My brothers would bring each of their shares and my father would take his favorite alcohol while my mother urged him to stop drinking. Our neighbors would send us some foods and we would do the same and then store them on our refrigerator for tomorrow's meal. I would look at the window to see the children with their best clothes and wide grins as they held their parent's arms with some toy or wed envelope on their arms. Or I would sometimes come out just to relish the Christmas spirit.

Christmas has become desolate again in our homes though there's a bit of spark as the years have gone by but imagining the situation in Eric's house gave me a sinking feeling.

We're not together anymore, I've broken up with him and regretted that I have said some mean words to him when he's already down.

I feel so guilty just thinking about enjoying this day.

"Ma, I'm going to Eric's house"

She looked at me for a moment, maybe it was her eyes that show a clear understanding of the memory of Eric as he accompanies me in my most desolate and painful Christmas the year before.

He was still on the phone at that time, we were clearly separated from each other and were only connected through our phones but his voice felt like he was much nearer to me. It felt like our strings were connected, just letting the pain of my father's absence mellowed out till it became stagnant and still.

I stepped out of my house, everywhere I look are people crowding in with complete families holding their children in their hands with big smiles on their faces. I felt a bit envious seeing a little girl in a tulle pink skirt being carried in his father's head but it soon vanished when I remember my purpose for today.

Soon, I hiked into the jeepney, it was filled to the brim and we were like sardines on a tiny can. Several minutes later I find myself standing in his house, one that I have entered back when we were in grade 10 for group work.

The streets were covered with people walking into every street, each with a cargo of children and gifts on their hands as I penetrated the small space in my eyes and fortunately, my toes didn't suffer any pain.

When I was about to knock on their door I was slightly shocked to see Eric in the corner of my eyes. His already wheat-colored skin turned much paler and the meat on his bones thinned, grief was striking in his eyes.

"Eric" I called out to him, even with the noises of the crowd he could still hear me calling him.

"Ange?"

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Chapter 78 is up!

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