LOVE: To Infinity And Beyond

The love of my life..

"I am really thankful to you, Subhadra, for keeping up with my silence  for all these days... I have been this crazy ever since I have met the love of my life, rather, got separated from her", he said, his voice hoarse, as his eyes turned dewy at the memories of Her..... 

He kept his hands on my shoulders. For the first time ever, he looked straight into my eyes. I knew at once that the confession session was about to begin-- this would be difficult. "Subhadra, it's not your fault that you fell for me. Neither is it any of our fault that I haven't fallen for you. You are beautiful, kind and really a cute and bubbly girl, no doubt..", he chuckled, making me giggle too. "But the fact that you need to understand is that-- my soul is already attached to Her. I cannot afford to hand myself to anybody else because I already belong to her... Then again, you also have rights to claim on me, since you are my wife too... I can never surrender my spiritual existence to you, but we can do the other thing........" He stopped, making me blush hard. I slowly looked up into his eyes. Those hazels weren't dark with desire, instead  they were glinting with tears--- his pain of betraying her yet again. A tear slipped out from his eye. I wiped it off and hugged him. I knew that I had married him without his own wish. Still he had agreed to the marriage, and bore the brunt of her pain.... That night, around midnight, suddenly my sleep broke, and I had opened my eyes, to find myself alone in the chamber. I knew immediately, where he must be..... Suddenly my mind had drifted off to her intense love and... pain...

The day we arrived at Indraprasth , she came to welcome us inspite of her fever. I could assume the real reason behind the fever... She was wearing just a plain off-white and gold lehenga. No jewelleries, and so ethereal. Her face was pale and expressionless-- she was mentally and physically so exhausted, to say the least. My guilt was killing me from within... She somehow welcomed us, smiling dryly at me, once, never making a single eye-contact with Arjun.. 

Soon, she fell seriously ill. I had never seen him so broken before, neither had I expected to see him so broken, ever. He was holding her hand and crying and begging her to wake up. Though unconscious, her divine beauty radiated off her features, a goldish radiance from her dark skin, her large, blue eyes closed. She woke up, cold... That coldness had continued for days and months.. Maybe that night he had went away to make another failed attempt of breaking the cold walls...

Many days later, one fine moonlit night, Arya was almost nowhere to be found. Past midnight, as I was strolling tensely in my balcony, I spotted him going towards Jiji's Mahal. He was getting a bit disbalanced every now and then. He was drunken. The first time ever, I had seen him drunken. This was her power, this is and always will be her power--- seizing his trademark self-control... My eyes had welled up with tears, a deep urge of running ahead and holding him up straight trying to push me forward. But I had stopped myself. And, just as expected, next morning I saw Her as well as His faces, as bright as I had expected them to be....

I remember the first time Jiji got pregnant. He was so happy.. and then, the second time, and now the third time.... He loved her too much to control himself ever. And honestly, I am happy for them.

Going a few years behind again, I remember the day he gave me that pendant in Dwarka. It was so cute. Cuter, because it was his first gift to me... I have known since forever that Bua always had a special soft corner for me.... But, He doesn't... I know that sounds so cruel, so heart-breaking.. but that's the sheer, bitter truth.

A memory that I can never ignore, is, our first kiss... Our lips have met for just that once or twice maybe, but that moment, still gives me goosebumps... We were in Dwarka. He was sitting on the marble bench beside the garden fountain-- his favourite place in the whole city, till then, most probably because he and She had spent some pleasant moments of their post-marriage Dwarka visit, near this fountain. His fingers held her payal, her only symbol that he had carried with him. As usual, he was staring at it, and smiling, as if in a trance-- as if she was just there, right in front of him. A few moments later, he had closed his eyes, and muttered her name, with all the love, in the world. I just couldn't see him like this-- that must've been so very painful for him. I'd slowly approached him and kept a hand on his shoulder. His smile had brightened. I'd sat down beside him, as he slowly turned towards me, his eyes still closed. Suddenly his smile vanished, as he seemed to sink deeper into the trance -- like suddenly something, some sound, or smell had hit his strong senses... A hand of his laid on my cheek, as he approached me and our lips met, his eyes still closed. I slowly sank into the intensity of the kiss, as he quickly grew a bit more aggressive. That made me sense that something was wrong-- he won't behave like this with me. I immediately broke the kiss, as he opened his eyes. The moment he spotted ME in front of him instead of HER, he flinched, and got up, almost running out of the garden. That night, he had spent alone in his chamber, in the special guest quarters. Past midnight, I had sneaked in the guest quarters, just to check if he was alright. ... I saw him Crying, for the first time in my life. He had almost burried his face in the pillow, as he lay, front to the bed, the payal held in his hands, close to his head. He was sobbing, almost like a baby would have-- so unlikely of the Mahanayak. He was so weak, broken.... "I didn't want to betray you. Trust me.. Please... I love YOU.. nobody else. Why does fate make me incur one sin after the other like this?! I didn't ever want to hurt you... I didn't want to do this... I don't know what happens to me everytime. Everytime it's you and not anyone else, and that just shatters all my barriers... I am so so sorry love...", I had heard him sob... That had shattered me...

Suddenly Abhi and Priu's voices pulled me out of my reminiscing session. I raised myself from the couch, as the two kids came running to hug me... "You know Maani, Pitashree came into Maai's chamber and said that they have some important discussion to do... So we came here...", a talkative Priu informed me sincerely. I immediately knew what Important Thing they had to do. I smiled to myself...
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