Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Primetime, reload and heroin.

Rebecca POV

I woke up when someone sat on the bed. I was facing the clock, 3 am. Josh just got in now. He called and said he would be late. I turned around to see him sitting up with his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees.

I sat up and wrapped my arms around him from behind, laying my head on his shoulder, "what's wrong babe?" I asked, whispering while I drew circles on his back.

He shook his head, "just a bad dream." He seemed on edge.

I moved my head so I could look at him, "about what?"

I saw a tear run down his cheek so I wiped it away. "I'm craving again."

Say no more. He's had cravings a couple times since we met. Once while on tour, Matt told me you have to keep an eye on him or he might relapse and to also never say the H word, they aren't sure what that will do to him.

I started rubbing his back again, "it'll be ok babe. Come on just lie down." I laid on my back and pulled him down with me. He put his head on my stomach, I could feel the odd tear run onto my stomach.

It was strange for me to comfort him. I don't mind it. But he's usually the one comforting me.

I couldn't reach his back when he sat so low so I started playing with his hair. "Why am I such a screw up?" He asked. "Why can't i just get over this?!"

I shook my head even tho he couldn't see, "Josh you aren't a screw up. And you are over it, being over an addiction doesn't mean not craving it anymore. It means overpowering the craving with your will to not give in."

He chuckled. But not his normal chuckle. This was cold. "Power? If I had power I wouldn't have gotten addicted in the first place."

I kept running my fingers thru his hair, "you once told me you first got it from a friend at a party, right?" He nodded, "Josh, everyone gives into peer pressure. It's not your fault that they talked you into it."

He lifted his head and looked at me, his blue eyes now red from crying, "they weren't the ones who made me bulimic. Or anorexic. Or made me cut myself. That was all me."

I looked him straight in his eyes, "it was also you who got over those things. Your parents made you go to rehab but it was you who decided to get over everything. It was all you."

He fell back with his head on the pillow. I laid my head on his shoulder and started to draw circles on his stomach. He wrapped his arms tight around me, "don't let go tonight. I need this." I nodded.

I could slowly feel his heart rate go back down. He was asleep. I hope that's the end of that.

Josh POV

I woke up again at 4:30. This craving is too strong. I need something.

I got up and threw on my jeans from the day before then grabbed a hoodie. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and made my way downstairs.

I grabbed the notepad off the counter and wrote I'm so sorry. I love you, my perfect porcelain disaster. then left the note on the counter.

I was about to put my shoes on when I realized something.

I went upstairs to kiss my beautiful Porcelain goodbye. It doesn't matter what I'm doing I have to kiss her before I leave her.

I moved the hair from her face and lightly kissed her forehead. I then turned to leave the room but I heard something.

I turned around and the blankets were thrashing around because porce was kicking them. She was shaking her head too. She was having a nightmare.

I didn't even second guess going and waking her up. She shot up as soon as I woke her, "hey. Baby girl it's ok. It was just a dream." I said soothing her by rubbing her back.

She nodded while she hugged me then pulled away. She looked down at me, "Josh. Why do you have jeans on?" She looked into my eyes but I looked away. She gasped, "Josh."

I took my pants back off, leaving me in my boxers and t-shirt and got back into bed. Then wrapped my arms around porcelain again, "don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." I said kissing her head.

She was crying now, "but were you going to?" She asked. I didn't answer her. I was. I was going to. "How Josh? You're 10 years sober this year. How could you..." she didn't finish. She looked up at me her eyes pleading for an explanation.

I shook my head, "you don't understand. When you're addicted to something and you need your fix... it's like something takes over. Your mind can't focus on anything else until you've got it. You can't register that you don't actually want to do it until it's too late - 'this will be the last time, but every times the last time' - you reason with yourself that you just need it once more and that will be enough. But enough is never enough."

She nodded slowly. Just barely grasping what I mean, "you said you can't focus on anything else. That you kinda get tunnel vision." I nodded, "what brought you out of it? I mean. Why didn't you just leave?"

I smiled and kissed her. "I came in to kiss you goodbye and you were having a nightmare. And then I had to hold you. It's weird. No matter how focused I am or how desperate I am for a fix, you can bring me back to reality. You're first priority for me right now. No matter what."

She smiled and kissed me, long and passionate. When she pulled away she looked me in my eyes "all those trenchers who hate on me cause I'm dating you." I nodded questioningly, "mind telling them that? It'll get them off my back."

I laughed and kissed her again.

Then we fell asleep. And stayed asleep this time.

Rebecca POV

I woke up in Josh's arms. The sun was streaming into the room so it must be around 10. I suddenly became aware of someone playing with my hair.

I turned to look at Josh, "good morning, my perfect disaster" he said smiling down at me.

I smiled back at him, "we all good now?" I asked.

He nodded then turned us so he was over me, "did I ever thank you last night? I don't wanna think about what I might've done if you weren't here."

I smiled, "you're welcome. I don't wanna think about what I would've done if you had gone thru with it. If something had happened to you..." I trailed off and I could feel tears falling down my cheeks.

Josh kissed every tear away, "I'm never gonna leave you porcelain. Not on purpose. Not ever in my right mind."

I smiled, "don't scare me like that again. That's the worse craving I've ever seen you have." I said before I kissed him again.

He kissed me back then looked me in the eyes, "you know i would promise you anything, but I can't promise that. I can't control my cravings. But I promise I'll do everything I can to not give in. Just promise you'll try to help when I get one."

I nodded, "I promise." He smiled and pecked my lips again.

"Now that that in depth conversation is over. Let's go feed and walk the dogs before they eat the furniture and pee on the rug. Again."

I laughed and nodded before pecking his lips again, "I love you, rockstar."

He smiled, "I love you too, my lovers dearest." Then he pecked my lips and grabbed my wrist pulling me, running downstairs.