My mother is the worst mother.
I don’t have a father now because he already disappeared before I came in this cruel life. And who knows who he is? I don’t care at all.
My life together with my mama is not easy. We don’t have permanent house, we can’t even eat three times a day like the normal people, but still she’s doing everything for me to study… for me, still going to school.
One day, I saw my mother preparing my meal.
“Oh anak, ito na almusal mo. Nako bago ka naman pumunta sa school niyo kumain ka, huwag ka magpapagutom.” I saw her innocent faint smile at me.
I looked at her like she is nothing to me.
“Kanino ka na naman nangutang?” I asked.
Hesistation is visible in her eyes. “Anak g-gagawin ko naman ng paraan. Huwag mo na ‘yon alalahanin.”
“Whatever.”
Then night came. I saw my mama when I came home. She’s wearing now a sleeveless and short-shorts that can even see her whole body, she’s also wearing a heavy make-up.
I smiled bitterly. She is now my prostitute mother.
“At saan ka na naman ngayon?” I asked her.
“Aba't bata ka, ito na nga lang yung napagkikitaan natin. Kung hindi dahil sa trabaho kong ito wala tayong malalamon sa araw-araw kaya magpasalamat ka na lang! Mag rereklamo ka pa, e dito mo nga lang rin kinukuha pang-aral mo.” I sighed on defeat.
Then another day came.
I saw my mama being sophisticated.
“Ano anak? Maganda ba yung damit na nabili ko? May maipagmamalaki na naman ako sa mga kumare ko.”
“Ma papasok pa ako sa school, yung baon ko.” Binigyan naman niya agad ako at hindi na ako nagulat sa laking pera na binigay niya, ang waldastera kong mama.
After school I saw my mama again, she is crying now… my fragile mother came. She is now crying because of many problems we’re facing.
Then the night came, I saw her with her usual cloths every night. She is now going to her dirty work.
Another tiring day came together with my mother.
“Anak hindi ako nagkulang sa paalala ko sayo. Mag-aral ka muna, huwag ka muna mag nonobyo. Umuwi ng maaga kung kinakailangan…”
“Tss.”
“Anak gusto ko lang ay ang makakabuti sa iyo.”
“Tama na drama pwede ba? Papasok pa ako, sige na.” Pagkababa ko ng hagdan ay narinig ko ang sigaw ni mama na siyang nakapagpahinto sa akin.
“Anak mag-ingat ka ah!”
When I came home I thought I will going to see her on her usual outfit na halos kita na ang kaluluwa, but today is different.
I saw her on our papag na siyang hinihigaan naming dalawa. At himala dahil ngayong gabi ay makakatabi ko siya sa pagtulog.
I saw her whispers. “Pagod na akong maging ako…”
My true mother came.
Narinig ko pa lang ang mga salitang ‘yon ay naramdaman ko na kaagad ang pagbara sa lalamunan ko. Bakit nga ba ganito ka-unfair ang buhay sa amin ni mama?
Tumabi ako sa kanya sa pagkakahiga and hugged her softly. I cried with her.
“H-Happy Birthday, ma.” Everytime her birthday came we usually do this. She will not going to work but she will cry her heart out why life is so unfair.
“Anak gawin mo lang ang sinasabi ko sayo ah. Panibagong araw na naman bukas, iwasan mo lang ako anak. Lahat ng iyon ay makakatulong sa iyo.”
Nang marinig ko ang sinassabi ni mama ay nag unahan sa pagtulo ang luha ko. “O-Opo mama.”
My Father leaves my mama because of her state. And in the eyes of everyone, I think my mother is the worst but in my eyes she is the best mama I know.
Despite of her sickness, she still doing her work to be my mother.
She is using her sickness, she is taking advantage of her multiple personality. Yes my mother have Dissociative Identity Disorder or commonly known as Multiple personality disorder.
Every personality she have is helping us. Her being pranka, her being prostitute, her being caring, her being hardworking… she can be she wants.
And she is asking me to ignore it because if her other personality will have a strong connection to me... tatagal ang personality na ‘yon, It can even take months na mag stay so I need to detach myself even tho it’s hurting me.
Even the personality of my mama is not really my mother… they already have a place in my heart, when my true mother is not on herself, they are all taking care of me, all their want is just the best for me.
Ayaw ni mama na mawala yung sakit niya dahil ito ang nakakatulong sa amin sa buhay namin, lalo na sa pag-aaral ko. She always awaken her personality to help us.
So I promised to myself that I will be a psychologist and I will be the one who will cure her.
We’re almost there. I graduated from college taking up the course I want that will help my mother. But new personality came.
My suicidal mother.
She committed suicide after my graduation. She is already tired with her life and she's just fighting because of me.
And her last letter before she leaves me... ang siyang pinakit na mga salitang nabasa sa buong buhay ko.
"Congrats anak, ako ang pinakamasayang tao dahil sa narating mo. Imagine, naitaguyod kita dahil sa sakit ko. Anak ikaw yung pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko, matagal na akong sumuko pero lumaban ako para sayo. Iiwan na kita anak dahil alam kong kaya mo na, kaya mo na kahit wala na ako. Gustong-gusto ko ng magpahinga, kaya patawad. Maraming salamat anak, mahal na mahal kita."
Napatingin ako sa langit habang hawak ang papel na siyang pinagsulatan ng mama ko.
Sakit niya na ang gumawa ng paraan para mawala na sa mundong, sakit niya na ang gumawa ng paraan para makapagpahinga na siya, kahit ayaw niya pa. The suicide mother personality came, and that was the end of her line.
Yep, she is the worst mother for leaving me, but still I love her. All her sacrifices will never replace in my heart.
She's the worst for being the best mother.
--
HartleyRoses