"All right next Deathbattle" Yang said
"So what's this one about?" Blake said
"Well we're about to find out" Ruby said
Interlude
(*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*)
Boomstick: When it comes to public service, two animals have gone far beyond the call of duty.
Wiz: They're known throughout the world as the symbols of safety. So let's make them fight to the death.
"That doesn't make any sense if their safety then why make them fight" Weiss said
Boomstick: Smokey Bear, the firefighting mascot of forest safety.
"They bear as a mascot that's awesome!" Ruby said
Wiz: And McGruff the Crime Dog, taking a bite out of crime wherever he goes.
Blake moved back a little due to her fear of dogs
"Uh Blake are you okay?" Yang said
"Uh yeah I'm fine just that there's a dog as a mascot!" Blake said
"Blake it's a cartoon dog it won't hurt you" Ruby said
"Well okay I guess" Blake said
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Smokey Bear
Wiz: In 1944, America's forests faced an ever increasing threat. With nearly 16 million men battling Nazi overseas, little manpower remained to combat the spread of forest fires. Every year, thirty million acres of trees would go up in smoke.
"That's awful" Ruby said
"Yeah that must have been rough" Yang said
Boomstick: Damn, that's even more trees than Snoop Dogg can burn!
"NOT THE TIME BOOMSTICK!" Weiss said
Wiz: America needed a new hero, someone who could prevent these disastrous blazes from occurring in the first place.
"Someone who helps prevent the fires" Ruby said
Boomstick: And then along came a lovable cartoon bear named Smokey.
Smokey: So remember, only you can prevent forest fires.
"Yep" RWBY
Wiz: As a mascot, Smokey Bear did what he could to inspire the American people. He even partnered with Bambi to teach the ways of fire safety. However, Smokey was still merely a dream, a figment of imagination, until one fateful day in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico.
"Uh oh" RWBY said
Boomstick: What do you know, a forest fire broke out! The mountain trees were annihilated in a blaze so intense, the thirty firefighters called to action were almost incinerated. Thousands of forest critters either fled or died. All but one.
"Dang that's awful" Yang said
"Those poor forest animals" Ruby said
Wiz: Atop a smoldering tree clung a lone survivor, a small black bear cub, his paws burnt, his family lost to the flames.
"Well at least one survived" Yang said
Boomstick: So after firefighters rescued him, there was only one name that fit: Smokey.
"The name does fit him" Weiss said
Wiz: Well, first they named him "Hotfoot Teddy", but they couldn't waste such a great PR opportunity.
"Yeah Smokey is a way better name than hot foot teddy" Ruby said
Boomstick: Adopted into the National Zoo at Washington DC, young Smokey became the living symbol of fire prevention. They even made an animated short of his new official origin story, and it's...pretty horrifying, actually.
"Considering it happened in real life it pretty horrifying" Blake said
Wiz: The public adored young Smokey. He received so much fan mail, he had to get his own zip code. And since then, Smokey has successfully helped prevent forest fires and promote fire safety for over seventy years.
"Good for him" Yang said
"It is good to have a positive mascot to prevent these things" Weiss said
Boomstick: And boy oh boy, has he done a good job.
"Yeah he did" Ruby said
Smokey: Drown your campfires with water. Make sure it's totally wet, then stir it and drown it again.
Wiz: Indeed! In just the first twenty years, annual forest fire damage dropped over eighty percent.
Boomstick: Yeah, thanks to Smokey's advice, I've never started a forest fire in my entire life.
A record scratch is heard.
Wiz/Weiss: I don't believe that.
"Yeah same here since when does Boomstick take advice from others" Yang said
Boomstick: To my knowledge. I mean, I've had plenty of opportunities.
Wiz: Well, I'm impressed, I didn't think you took anybody's advice so seriously.
"Neither did I" Weiss said
Boomstick: Why wouldn't I take Smokey's? This guy started a fire safety club, picked up ventriloquism, and even taught the Addams Family to put out fires. You know, the people who love pain and things that are generally bad for you?
"Man that must be a weird family" Yang said
"Yeah who would like that stuff" Ruby said
"Apperently this Adam's family" Weiss said
Wiz: He's befriended the creatures of the forest, much like a Disney princess, and even infiltrated Disney itself to teach their characters about fire safety. Also, unlike most mascots at the time, he's successfully protected his dignity through the toughest social experience in recent history: The nineties.
"Well that was nice of him" Ruby said
"Oh geez" Blake said
Smokey is seen in a rap commercial from the nineties.
Smokey: (rapping) Respect the forest, protect our trees! (he stops) Oh, what am I doing?
"Yes what are you doing?" Yang said
"Apperently he's trying to be 'cool'" Weiss said
"Oh yeah kinda like with my Dad" Ruby said
"Oh yeah I remember he used a skateboard and tried to be cool for us" Yang said recalling about the time her and Ruby's dad Taiyang tried to be 'cool' and impress them
He removes the hip hop outfit.
Director: Cut!
Smokey: This isn't me.
Director: Smoke, we agreed you'd talk to kids in their language.
Smokey puts his hat back on.
Smokey: I know, but I'll just give it to them straight.
"Yeah best to stick with what you have" Blake said
Boomstick: Oh, and in case you forgot, he's also a Goddamn bear.
"Oh yeah forgot about that part" Ruby said
Wiz: An American Black Bear, to be precise. The largest black bears are over seven feet tall and exceed eight hundred pounds, which seems to match Smokey's own size.
"Not as large as an Ursa" Weiss said
Boomstick: Smokey's got plenty to fight with, like his razor sharp claws, his trusty shovel, and enough muscle to rip your arm off Chewbacca style. And then you have to worry about fighting a bear that's "armed"
"Hahahahah" Yang said
"Ugh Seriously already starting with the puns" Weiss said much to Ruby and Blake's missere.
Wiz/Weiss: Was that a pun? It wasn't even bear related.
Boomstick: Wiz, you can't even "bear" the amount of puns I've got. What have you got?
"Ha bear puns" Yang said
"Oh no" RWB said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 0, Boomstick: 1
Wiz: As if. Unlike Boomstick, Smokey isn't one to just do the "bear" minimum, in fact, bears in general are quite durable creatures, thanks to their stout anatomy, including a skeleton so stable, it endures long hibernation without withering.
"Please stop..." Ruby said
"Please" Blake said
"Hahahahah" Yang said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 1. Boomstick: 1.
Boomstick: You "bear-ter" believe Smokey is strong, too, bears his size can break trees and flip over boulders weighing more than 350 pounds. When he was just a cub, Smokey even smashed this shitty little house to bits.
"Well the house was pretty old so it's probably the reason why the house was easily destroyed" Weiss
"Haha oh man these puns are awesome" Yang said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 1. Boomstick: 2.
"And it looks like Boomstick is on a roll" Ruby said
Wiz: He's surprisingly stealthy, able to sneak up on people in broad daylight with "bear-ly" a sound. Also, black bears can run up to thirty miles per hour.
"Hahahahah" Yang said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 2. Boomstick: 2.
Boomstick: That's what makes the bear cavalry so dangerous. Aside from that, he's accomplished many "un-bear-leavable" feats to keep the forest safe, like manipulating time.
"Hahahahah there puns are unbearable" Yang said
"Yang not you too" Ruby said
"Yes please Yang don't start" Weiss said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 2. Boomstick: 3.
Wiz; And also, when he disguised himself as a woman without "bear-ing" any resemblance to his real body. Boomstick, why don't you introduce his greatest feat with your "bear-itone" voice?
"Double punage hahaha" Yang said
"Ugh" RWB said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 4. Boomstick: 3.
Boomstick: "Pre-bear" yourself, because Smokey can magically grow so large, he's bigger than Godzilla. look at the size of him!
"Please stop" Weiss said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 4. Boomstick: 4.
Wiz: All just to emphasize a point, much like how I'm owning this "un-bear-able" pun war.
"Just stop please" Ruby said while yang was laughing at the puns
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 5. Boomstick: 4.
Boomstick: Oh, I'm still going! I hope you brought some sort of "non-bear-ishable" snack, cause I can do this all day. You're gonna be so "em-bear-ressed" when you lose.
"Hahahahah" Yang said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 5. Boomstick: 6.
Wiz: No, no, no, that'll never happen when it's me "ursus" you.
Boomstick/Yang: Ha, you missed a bear pun! You're/He's out!
Wiz/Weiss: "Ursus" is Latin for "bear", moron/Dolt.
"And it's the name of the Grimm around here" Weiss said
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 6. Boomstick: 6
Boomstick: Aw, damn it! You know Latin's my weakness. If only I was a bear, then my only weakness would be bear traps, bear repellant, and bear mace. You know, shit that people had to make to stop bears, since they're so unstoppable?
"And us huntsman and Huntresses" Ruby said
"Uh Ruby there just normal bears not Grimm" Blake said
"Oh well we can always use the stuff Boomstick said" Ruby said
Wiz: There are some techniques to increase your chances of surviving a bear attack. Some say you can punch your arm down their throat to induce uncontrollable vomiting, although I wouldn't recommend that, because you're definitely going to lose your arm.
Boomstick/RWBY: And it's gross.
Wiz: Honestly, all you can really do is make yourself look as large and intimidating as possible.
"Cause that's better than sticking your hand in it's mouth" Weiss said
"Yep" RYB said
Boomstick: Nah, I know a fool-proof way to escape a bear, you just gotta be faster than the guy next to you.'
Wiz: Well, it's a good thing Smokey chose a life of education and isn't chasing people down. The last thing you want after you is an eight foot tall bear with a giant shovel and a grudge.
"Yeah never make a bear angry especially one with a shovel" Ruby said
"Yep'"WBY
Smokey: Only you can prevent forest fires.
Smokey then walks off.
Director: Now, Smoke, wait, I... Smoke!
Smokey: I gotta get back to the forest...
McGruff the Crime Dog
Wiz: Let me take you on a trip back to the late 1970's, also known as the feel-good decade. A time where individualism and personal liberation took center stage, but not everybody took that as a sign of peace.
"I knew it was to good to be true" Blake said
Boomstick: Yeah, domestic crime was getting bad. Like, really bad. At the turn of the decade, the American people made a hero to save them from themselves, a... dog in a trench-coat.
"Why..." Blake said as she hid behind Yang
"Blake it's gonna be okay he's just a cartoon he can't hurt you and besides he's a crime fighting dog not a crime committing dog" Yang said reassuring Blake.
"Okay but hiding here for now" Blake said
Wiz: This canine began his campaign modestly enough, but he needed a name. After eight months of polling, he was given one, along with an unforgettable slogan.
"And what would that be?" Weiss said
McGruff: Take a bite out of crime!
Boomstick: McGruff, the Crime Dog.
Wiz: Focused and determined to make that bite count, McGruff hit the streets hard and fast, in just a year, more than fifty percent of Americans had seen at least one McGruff advertisement.
"Wow that's awesome" Ruby said as zwei barked in agreement
McGruff: Because teenagers are the victims of over two thousand violent crimes by strangers everyday. You can help stop it.
"That's true" Weiss said
Boomstick: That's cause he was willing to get his job done by any means possible, even if it meant ultimate embarrassment. He used commercials, cartoons, comic books, video games, musicals.
"Man he really pulled out all the stops" Yang said
Wiz: He even released his own anti-drug album, with such classic singles as "Crack and Cocaine".
"Oh no" RWBY said
(*Cue: Cocaine and Crack - McGruff the Crime Dog*)
McGruff: (Singing) 🎶Cause nobody's needing that crack and cocaine, making a mess of your mind.🎶
"What was that?" Yang said
"Wow that was just awful" Weiss
Wiz: And "Inhalants".
(*Cue: Inhalants - McGruff the Crime Dog*)
Kids: 🎶Don't do inhalants!🎶
McGruff: 🎶You'll be suffering pain.🎶
Kids: 🎶Smart kids say no!🎶
McGruff: 'Cause inhalants kill.
Boomstick: Yeah, it's really, really bad.
"Agreed" Yang said
"But at least it's showing a positive image" Ruby said
Wiz: As McGruff's plan generally targeted children rather than current criminals, it required patience and time, but it worked. Over the next few decades, crime dropped exponentially. the next generation of America was smarter and safer.
"Thanks to MacGuff the crime dog" Yang said
Boomstick: Now, some of you are probably thinking, "Hey, you can't prove McGruff was responsible for all of that!", and I say to you, can you prove he wasn't?
"Maybe?" Ruby said
Wiz: Regardless, McGruff certainly had a massive impact, leading the charge against crime.
Boomstick: I mean, that's seriously impressive, considering all my dog does is sit around, licking his balls.
"Well my dog is cute and cuddly" Ruby said while hugging zwei as he barked in agreement.
Wiz: McGruff's not just any dog, he's a six foot tall bipedal bloodhound, a dog breed known for their excellent sense of smell, an extremely powerful bite, and floppy, adorable ears. Scaling him to your average bloodhound, McGruff can likely run forty five miles per hour, jump ten feet high, and bite with enough pressure to break bones.
"Wow that's strong" Weiss said
"Not as strong as zwei" Ruby said as zwei barked in agreement
Boomstick: And unlike my dog, McGruff wears a cool trench-coat, which not only protects him from the rain and cold, but gives off a neat detective vibe.
"The coat does make him look cool" Yang said
Wiz: However, unlike Thailand's air chief marshall, Mr. Fufu...
Boomstick: Rest in peace, buddy.
"Oh poor doggy" Ruby said feeling sympathy for Mr fufu
Wiz: True story, McGruff doesn't appear to hold an official police rank. He calls himself a "pre-tective", which is just as fake as it sounds.
"Definitely fake" Weiss said
Boomstick: Whoa, wait. If a crime hasn't happened yet, then how does he know to stop it? That's like some "Minority Report" shit.
"Yeah same here how does he do it" Yang said
Wiz: He possesses a certain set of skills to do so, he has a keen eye for details and context clues, he's exceptional at analyzing and predicting potential crimes in progress.
Boomstick: So, he can predict what's gonna happen with a few context clues, but that doesn't mean much if he can't stop a mugging or whatever.
"So he's psychic?" Ruby said
"Apperently so" Weiss said
Wiz: Luckily, McGruff has plenty of tools and talents. When someone's in trouble, McGruff's circle of respect creates a force field.
"Oh like an aura sheild" Yang said
Boomstick: Which is apparently the perfect defense against bullies.
Wiz: While he's not an official member of the police force, he's been hanging around officers for decades, so it's not unreasonable to believe he's picked up some police combat training.
Boomstick: Being your own dog has it's perks, for example, McGruff's car isn't a standard, beat up police cruiser, it's a friggin monster truck! This bad mamma jamma is based on a 2010 Ford Superduty with 540 cubic inches of gas guzzling badassery.
"Awesome!" Yang said
Wiz: Definitely an upgrade over his original '96 model, though I'm not sure what this has to do with preventing crime.
"Yep" Weiss said
Boomstick: Screw preventing crime, this beautiful beast prevents all kinds of other stuff, like boredom, being a little sissy, and small European cars from going un-smashed, that's enough for me.
"Oh I want one too" Yang said
Wiz: Ironically, despite his skills and claim to stop crimes before they happen, he's more of a councilor than a protector, and doesn't actually step in all that often.
"I was thinking the same thing about him too if doesn't step in often then then he's probably a counselor" Weiss said
Boomstick: No, but he doesn't need to, when he can freeze time!
"Awesome!" Ruby said
Wiz: Ah yes, McGruff is famous for pausing time and breaking the fourth wall to discuss an ongoing potential crime. Unfortunately, while pausing time, McGruff does not seem capable of interacting with the world around him.
(We see a girl walking down the street, a car pulls up next to her and the door opens)
McGruff: That's Jenny, but that's not Jenny's dad.
The scene freezes, with McGruff walking into view.
If she gets into that car, that may be the last time you'll see Jenny.
Wiz: He doesn't even bother saving Jenny from her kidnapper!
"Okay he definitely seems like counselor than a officer." Yang said
Boomstick/Ruby: Which means he was right, that was the last time we saw Jenny.
Wiz: Still, McGruff's campaign has been wildly victorious, it's safe to say he's succeeded in taking a bite out of crime.
Boomstick: Oh my God, we didn't even mention the reality flipping switch he has in his office, what the hell is up with that thing?
"Wait what?" RWBY said
"He had a switch that can alter reality" Weiss said
McGruff: I'm McGruff the crime dog, and I'm here to help take a bite out of crime. Ruff!
Death Battle
In the middle of a forest, a campfire is seen, along with McGruff approaching it. McGruff turns the audience and begins speaking to the children watching.
McGruff: Remember kids, fire is a dangerous tool, and should never be left unattended.
"Okay" Ruby said
The fire begins to spread, several trees slowly burning away, a forest fire starting, which McGruff notices.
McGruff: Welp, time to go!
The Crime Dog turns to flee from the blazing fire, only to bump into Smokey Bear's belly, which knocks him to the ground. Smokey notices the burning fire and begins to call McGruff out for not putting out the campfire that started it.
"Uh oh looks like someone is in the doghouse now" Yang said
"Ugh Yang" Ruby said
Smokey: Only you could've prevented that forest fire... fool.
"Oh it's about to get good" Yang said
Smokey then glares at McGruff, who quickly gets to his feet and enters a combat stance, to which Smokey replies by doing the exact same thing.
FIGHT!
The Crime Dog makes the first move by attempting a roundhouse kick with his right leg, only for Smokey to block with his left arm. He flips McGruff into the air, but the bloodhound quickly lands on his two feet. Both attempt to punch each other, with McGruff being the quicker of the two, able to land several punches on Smokey's face and chest, before Smokey counters by swiping at McGruff and sending him flying into a tree.
"Oh looks like McGruff is barking up the wrong tree" Yang said
"Yang please stop" Blake said
"Yes please stop" Weiss said
Regaining his footing, McGruff plants his feet into the tree's trunk and uses it to propel himself into Smokey's torso like a missile, knocking him to the ground. Smokey growls and gets to his feet, attempting to punch McGruff, but the Crime Dog evades by flipping to the side and attempting to roundhouse kick him again.
"That's not gonna work" Blake said
The kick seems to do nothing as it bounces off of Smokey's belly with no effect, but McGruff quickly leaps onto his chest to attack again, only to be knocked into a tree by the bear. McGruff recovers and leaps out of the tree onto Smokey, only for Smokey to roll over and pin the bloodhound to the ground.
"Oh man this is awesome" Yang said
Smokey: You should learn to respect your surroundings!
McGruff: I'll show you respect!
McGruff opens up his trenchcoat, and clicks a blue button from the inside, which deploys his Circle of Respect, and knocks Smokey Bear back. Gripping his shovel, Smokey charges McGruff and swings the shovel, shattering the force field like glass, much to McGruff's shock. McGruff quickly flees, but for Smokey, he throws his shovel into a tree, causing it to fall and also trip McGruff, stopping his retreat.
Smokey lets out a roar as he charges toward McGruff on all four legs, but the Crime Dog quickly freezes time before the bear could swing at him, but only to speak to the children.
McGruff: Remember kids, if you're about to be mauled by a bear...
"Run away?" Ruby said
"Use bear mace?" Weiss said
"Call a park ranger?" Blake
"Intimidate it?" Yang said
Zwei barked saying 'call animal control'
Unaware of how to solve this problem, McGruff simply shrugs, unfreezing time, and braces for impact as Smokey swings at him, the Crime Dog being sent flying over the trees and into the lake. Smokey stands back onto two feet, and puts his hat back on.
Smokey: Hmph, stupid dog.
"Don't say say that he's not down yet" Weiss said
Smokey then notices the roar of a engine, and McGruff reappears driving his signature monster truck, running down a few trees in the process.
"Yay the Monster Truck!" Yang said
McGruff: Take a bite out of THIS!
McGruff then hits a button labeled "Nitro", which sends the monster truck at full speed towards Smokey, hitting the bear dead on. McGruff lets out a howl of excitement as Smokey grabs onto the hood of the truck and holds on for his life as McGruff drives into a tree, smashing the bear into its trunk as the tree falls over. He does this with two more trees.
However, Smokey quickly stops the truck in its path as it drives through the forest by slowly growing in size, letting out a roar as he now towers over McGruff, the monster truck, and the forest trees around him. Smokey, holding McGruff and the monster truck in his hand, peeks through the window and says in a deepened voice:
Smokey: Not even YOU can prevent THIS!
Smokey raises his other hand, preparing to smash the Crime Dog, only for McGruff to pause time again.
"Uh oh" RWBY said
McGruff: Remember, kids... Remember me!
Smokey slams his free hand onto the monster truck, crushing it and McGruff, who lets out a yelp, into a mangeled and bloody mess. Smokey tosses the destroyed truck and splattered mess of his opponent aside and walks toward a lake, where he, still a giant, proceeds to shovel water onto the forest fire to put it out.
"Noooooooo not the Monster Truck" Yang said as she cried anime tears about the truck
KO!
Results
Boomstick: Looks like McGruff had a "ruff" time out there. Smokey was clearly the stronger combatant thanks to... well, thanks to being a giant bear, really.
"Yeah it was clearly obvious who would win" Weiss said
Wiz: McGruff wasn't totally outclassed. His greater speed and smaller size made the battle quite tedious for Smokey, but that's about it.
"Yep" Blake said
Boomstick: Yeah, he couldn't compete with Smokey in anything else. It's like my grandpappy always said: "Why have a guard dog when you can get a guard bear?"
"Hey having a dog is awesome" Ruby said while zweis barked in agreement
Wiz: But what truly mattered in this battle were their unique abilities, and in that, McGruff didn't stand a chance. When McGruff paused time, he couldn't affect the world around him, while Smokey has shown that he can.
Boomstick: And really, what are you gonna do against a bear that can grow to the size of a mountain?
"Nothing" Weiss said
Wiz: So, bear beats dog, Smokey's powers were superior, and ultimately, Smokey had more far more options to take McGruff down for good.
"Yep" Ruby said
Boomstick: Smokey was just more than McGruff could "bear".
"Hahahahah" Yang said while the others groaned from the bad bear pun.
Bear-y Punny Counter: Wiz: 6. Boomstick: 7.
Boomstick: Ha-ha, one last bear pun! Suck it, Wiz!
Wiz: Ugh, the winner is Smokey Bear.