His fingers glided across the smooth, cold steel. It was as inviting as it was hideous. The Glock was resting in his lap – for a couple of hours now.
He wasn't in a hurry.
Nobody would find him here. Ever.
Within two hours the sun would set, maybe that was what he was waiting for. To see a last bit of beauty, before he would close his eyes forever. A piece of beauty he wasn't able to destroy, that would still be there after his last heartbeat died away.
Would they suspect anything? Someone had probably called the clubhouse because nobody had picked up Mikey from school. With a tight feeling in his chest he thought about the boy, who had already gone through so much. But this was what was best for him. He could better stay in a foster home than with his twisted uncle.
It was best for everyone if he was no longer there.
For his unborn child.
For Fye.
For Dana.
He would no longer be able to hurt them – that is, if they would ever want to see him again. It would probably offer them peace, they would acknowledge the justice in his death. This was no act of desperation, like it had been in the past.
It was an act of determination.
He was a monster – and the monster had to die. Something he didn't want to burden anyone else with – so that's why he would kill it himself. Here, next to the first memory of the darkness that was hiding inside him. She had awakened the beast, with the lies she had whispered in his ear. In the end, the monster had strangled her, had scattered her remains across this place... And it was here where he wanted to let go of his own life.
Where it was peaceful, where there was an intense sadness underneath the surface – but where also fond memories were lingering. Memories of his brothers, who had all been here for him when he scattered Lotte's ashes and raised the angel statue. And with Dana... He had been here with Dana too. They had hold hands here, they had sat in the grass. He had cried, pressing his face in her golden locks while holding her tight. He had even considered to tell her about Cherry.
"I could never hate you, Juice."
She'd said those words to him, but he had never believed her. He knew she hated him now, he could feel it. A part of his heart had always been connected to hers. There had been a glimmer of warmth – a glimmer that was gone now.
She was done with him.
He took a deep breath, taking in the scent of the greenery and listening to the songs of the birds. Would he miss this? Would he be able to miss things? Was there a second life, a place where his daughter was waiting for him?
He doubted it. Even if there was a heaven and a hell, he would go to the latter. People like Maddox would be his company. Whatever was waiting for him; he would be separated from Tabitha for the rest of his... existence. But maybe it was for the best; she better never discovered what a waste of space her father was.
He picked up the gun, closed his fingers around it. His temple, inside his mouth... He wasn't sure yet. But he still had time – he wanted to see the sunset one more time. When the world turned dark, he would stay in that darkness.
His phone was vibrating in his pocket. Reflexively he took it out and glanced at the screen. His eyes widened when he saw the caller. It wasn't one of his brothers, it was Dana.
Should he take the call? Hear her voice one last time? Would he get the chance to say goodbye to her? She probably just wanted to berate him; he knew Fye had gone to her. She deserved it, the chance to vent, to tell him she was done with him, that she never wanted to see him again. It might give her some peace... and maybe he would find peace too, knowing this was what was best for them.
Nevertheless, his fingers were trembling as he took the call and pressed the device against his ear. He bent his knees and stared down. "Hey," he whispered.
"Juice! Thank god!!" Her voice sounded emotional, making the hairs on his arms rise. "Where are you?"
Her question confused him. Why would she care where he was? She should insult him, should express her hatred. "I'm alone," he muttered.
"You took pills?"
"W-what?" His stomach cringed.
"Last time you tried to kill yourself with pills. You did it again this time?"
"No," he muttered. He ran a hand across his mohawk – the conversation had taken a whole different turn.
"Where are you?" she asked again.
He was silent for a while. Still, he couldn't think of a reason to lie. "At the lake where I scattered Lotte's ashes."
"I'm on my way to you."
His hand was shaking so heavily the phone almost slipped from between his fingers. "Why?" he whispered.
Suddenly she started to sob. "Because I'm worried, Juice. I feel... I can feel the fight inside your head."
Hearing her pain, caused his own tears to roll down his cheeks. "I don't wanna hurt anyone anymore," he sobbed. "If I'm no longer here..."
"That's how you will hurt me, Juice. You will cause me more pain than anyone ever did."
He flinched. "You should hate me," he whispered. "You should hate me Dana."
"I love you. I still love you and I will always love you. Please baby. Don't let me find your body when I get there."
His mind simply couldn't understand. How could she still love him?
A deep, intense silence fell. He still heard her sobs; the background noises told him she was driving.
"How did you plan to do it?"
Juice stared at the weapon in his lap. "I was waiting... for the last sun rays." He wiped his eyes. "I took my gun with me."
"You still want to end your life? Now you know – now you know I still love you? Now you know how much pain you would cause me?"
"No." He bit his lip. "But I... I neither know if this is real. Dana would – Dana would never forgive me. For what I did to Cherry."
"I never said I forgave you. But that doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I want you to hurt yourself. I – I need you Juice. I feel hollow without you, incomplete like half of my soul is just... ripped away. I know you feel it too. Give me – please give me a chance before you give up. I believe we can conquer the darkness inside you. I still believe in our love. That it can heal our wounds, that we can be together again. Please baby, throw that gun in the lake, wait for me and... and give us a chance. Give us a chance after everything we've been through – so all our suffering wasn't in vain." She paused, then she whispered: "So that our baby didn't die for nothing."
A sharp pang went through his midriff and he squeezed his eyes shut. The pain festered through every cell of his body.
Our baby.
"I'm a monster Dana," he whispered.
"There's a monster inside you," she corrected him. "And he can come out. I believe we can get him out." She was silent for a while. Juice was quietly sobbing, tears kept rolling down his cheeks. "Do you love me, Juice? Do you really love me?"
It was the only thing Juice was sure of right now. "I love you more than anything or anyone in the world."
"You love me more than you hate yourself?"
He bent his head and whispered. "I don't know."
"It's a choice you have to make. Do you choose love or do you choose hate?"
"Love," he murmured. "I choose love."
"Then walk to the waterfront and throw the gun as far as you can. Do it for me, Juice, if you can't do it for yourself. Do it for me and for Tabitha."
He wanted it – he wanted to walk to the shore and do what she told him, but his limbs were heavy as lead and it felt like a dark force was pushing him down. Icy goosebumps spread across his arms. For a moment it felt like there was another presence, as if his darkness had found a way out.
He thought about Maddox, about the maniacal smirk on his face when he had been up at the pulpit, looking down at him like the supreme demon he was.
That day, Maddox had won.
And now, it felt like the man was standing in front of him again – the man who had taken everything from him.
Again he was bound, again he could only face his defeat.
Maddox is gone, Juice. A whisper swirled around him like a breath of wind. Break your ties to him. Shake off his darkness. Walk to the water and throw the gun in it.
"Okay." His lips were trembling, his whole body shaking as he got on his feet. It were heavy steps, like he was struggling through a swamp, but he kept going until he reached the waterfront. "I'm on the water," he said quietly.
"I'm proud of you, my love. Throw it in the water."
And so he did. He swung the gun as far as he could. Right after that, he dropped down in the grass and started to cry – cry like he hadn't done in months.
For the first time in his life, it felt liberating.
. . .
Hey all!
A little bit of light for them. <3
I also started a Mayans/SOA crossover called 'Pariah'. Feel free to check it out if you want to read more of me. (: