Dana was having her coffee break. Despite the years of captivity she didn't find it hard to chat with her colleagues. On the contrary: knowing that none of them knew what she'd gone through, made things easier; they all considered her as a normal 29 year old. The conversations were casual, which she liked. All her other conversations were always so serious...
She just wanted to return to the foyer to take the next group of visitors under her wing when Marly entered the coffee room. "There's someone at the counter asking for you, Dana."
"Oh..." Dana answered a little overwhelmed.
It was a half hour drive from Charming, someone wouldn't stop by without a good reason. She followed her colleague to the front of the building and sighed softly as she saw Kozik, who was pacing in front of the entrance, raking a hand through his blond hair every few steps.
He was obviously nervous.
"Hey." She walked over to him.
He froze immediately. "Hey."
Dana bit the inside of her cheek as she took him in. He looked pale, there were bags under his eyes and the look in his eyes broke her heart. Whatever he had done yesterday – right now she only felt pity because her dear friend was so broken. She wrapped her arms around him; he hugged her back almost desperately.
"I can't remember much of yesterday," he muttered. "Except for Amy breaking up with me and me getting hammered. I – I have the feeling I've done something terrible. But I – I can't remember much. Only your panicking face." He pulled back a little, rubbing the side of his head. "And I remember you hitting me. With something."
Dana laid her hand on his upper arm because they were blocking the entrance and led him outside. The sun was shining and she took him to a bench close to the door.
"What did I do?" he asked quietly. "Did I..." He wasn't able to say the words. Instead, he stared at the ground.
"It doesn't matter what you did," she said. "You didn't know what you were doing."
"It does matter. Did I hurt you? You weren't home this morning, I must have frightened you."
"You tried to kiss me. To give Amy a reason to be mad at you. I went to Kip." She laid her hand on Kozik's leg. "Nothing happened baby. I'm not mad."
She wasn't sure he believed her, he still couldn't work up the nerve to look her in the eye.
"I feel like a hypocrite. I've berated Juice so many times when he was drunk, and now I lost control myself."
"It can happen to the best, Koz. You're not a saint, you make mistakes like every other human being."
For a while Kozik kept staring at the floor. His shoulders tense, his breathing heavy. "You know... He treated me like shit so many times. I always swallowed it because he was such a mess. I understood him, to some degree. But now..." His voice sounded cold. "Now I can't stand him anymore. Maybe I even hate him. The things he said, just to scare Amy... None of this would have happened if it wasn't for him. He ruined my relationship, only because I hadn't told him that you were alive. But that knowledge... it would have destroyed him, Dane. I've seen him wither away so many times. It exhausted me... I'm not even sure I could have dealt with it again." He stared at his hands. "But he never saw it. He still can't see it. That I was having a hard time too, that I didn't have all the answers either. He was so... obsessed with his own pain."
"He still is," she answered softly. "Every time we have a deep conversation, he ends up crying." She tried to swallow, her throat feeling tight. Then she took a deep breath. She shouldn't be the one telling him, but she just needed to get it off her chest. "Fye's pregnant."
"What?" With wide eyes, Kozik stared her in the eye.
She nodded quietly. "Yeah, she told me a while back. She doesn't dare to tell him. She doesn't feel safe around him and she isn't sure she wants her child to grow up around him."
"I get it," Kozik muttered.
Dana frowned slightly. "Juice would never hurt his own child."
"Juice isn't always in control of himself, Dane. He called me, that night he had killed Lotte. Mikey was only a few steps away when he strangled the girl. How old was the boy, six? Imagine what impact it would have had if the kid had seen it. Juice didn't think about his nephew for a second."
Dana sighed softly. "But Fye... Fye just needs to learn how to reach him when he's having a tantrum."
"I'm not sure it's something that can be learnt, Dane. She's not you. She's trying really hard, but she's not you and she knows it. He knows it. You're the one he deeply loves, you're the only one who can reach him when he's shutting everyone out."
She bent her head. A tear slipped down her cheek. "Then why doesn't he want me anymore?" she whispered.
"Oh sweetie..." Kozik pulled her in an embrace. "He would give up everything that matters to him if he could get you back. But your death... it broke him. Changed him. Made him do things he feels ashamed of now; things you would abominate. Things he doesn't want you to know about – and with good reason. For I will never forgive some of the things he has done, Dane. He considers himself as a sociopath and he doesn't want you to be with a sociopath again. He wants you to have a normal, healthy relationship."
"He's not a sociopath."
"He isn't?" Kozik huffed. "I'm not sure I agree."
"I have lived with a sociopath for years, Kozik. Juice isn't one. He suffers from a tough kind of PTSD and I think he may have borderline too, or some other personality disorder, besides the OCD he already had. But he does have a conscience and he's not indifferent at all. On the contrary, he feels a lot –he feels too much and he needs someone who helps him to regulate his feelings."
Kozik was silent for a while. "He needs you," he muttered eventually. "But he will never admit it for he wants you to move on. He wants you to be happy."
"I know," Dana sighed. She intertwined her fingers. "I want him to be happy too. That's why I want Fye to tell him about the baby. About his new chance on a family. His thoughts are so consumed by the things he lost; he needs to learn to look at the beautiful things that are waiting for him." She paused. "And the same goes for me." She cocked her head to the side. "I talked to Kip yesterday. We want to build a future together. I'm moving in with him, hopefully it gives you also some space to make things right with Amy. And Juice and Fye... maybe they can move forward too. I believe we can all find our happiness, as long as we're open to new possibilities."
Kozik looked at her in surprise. A small smile made his lips curl. "Well well. You just traded me for Sack? Does Juice know? If not, I better go find a bunker for I'm sure he'll believe that I talked you into this."
"Juice and I have talked about it a few times now, he won't be surprised. Kip went early to the clubhouse this morning to talk to him. I trust that everything went well."
Kozik's glance told her that he believed she was a little too optimistic, but the calmness Kip had shown her the day before, convinced her she was right.
She took Kozik's hand and squeezed. "I gotta believe in this, Koz. I gotta believe that we all still have our chance to become happy. That Maddox isn't still controlling us from the grave. I gotta believe in love, if not, I don't have faith in anything anymore."
Kozik leaned into her and kissed her temple. "I have faith in you, Dane. I believe that you will never give up; you will always fight for a way to find your happiness, and that of Juice, and Kip, and Fye. And your kids."
"And you, Koz," she said softly, looking up to him. "You gotta make things right with Amy too. Don't give her up this soon, she's worth fighting for."
He dropped his head on her shoulder. "No, I won't give her up," he said. "If you create a new chance for yourself and Kip, and give Juice room to do the same with Fye... Then I would be a complete loser for not fighting for my own relationship. Amy and I didn't go through a hell like you all did..."
"Exactly," she smiled. "I have faith in the two of you."
. . .
Dana felt tired when she came home. She still had to get used to the long days of work, although she felt satisfied if she looked back to today. The conversation with Kozik had been good.
As she rang the bell of Kozik's door, Casper was the one who opened it. She scooped him up, giving him a kiss. She wanted to carry him to the living room, but he squirmed out of her arms.
"No. Not inside yet! Daddy almost ready!" His eyes were sparkling.
"Oh," Dana responded a little dazed.
Only a few seconds later, Kip opened the door and greeted her with a kiss. "Hey beautiful."
Casper ran towards the living room, giving his parents the chance for a more intimate greeting. Her hands glided underneath his kutte as she welcomed his lips.
Before she could completely lose herself in the kiss, he turned away from her and laid an arm around her waist as he walked her to the living room.
"Wow," she said in surprise when she saw the nicely set table. There were candles and a bouquet of roses on it, spreading a lovely smell. "That's a nice welcome."
He chuckled softly. His hand left her back and glided down, his thumb hooking in her back pocket. "I wanted to celebrate our first night as a couple."
"Does that mean Juice was understanding?" She had believed he would, but part of her had still been afraid that he would freak out.
"I could see he found it hard, he even admitted it. But he said he was okay with us, and he wants me to make you happy." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, caressing her cheek. "And that's exactly what I'm going to do, baby. I'm going to make the three of us happy." His eyes wandered to Casper, who was already seated in his chair and looked expectantly at them. "Although all that's needed to make our little one happy, are pancakes. So my apologies baby, no culinary high point today. I still have to learn to resist his pleas."
Softly laughing she leaned into him, kissing his lips. "Then it's a good thing I love pancakes too." She sat down next to Casper, raking her fingers through his hair. "You happy mommy is going to live here?"
"Yes! Now we can eat pancakes every day!" His face beamed as he looked at her.
Chuckling, she kissed the top of his head. "I don't even want to think about that..." She touched for Kip's hand, giving him a squeeze and smiling. She felt happy.