Chapter 100! To celebrate it, I wrote this book's longest chapter. (:
. . .
Even though there was nothing she wanted more than being held by him, Dana knew she couldn't ring the bell. Not only because she had stepped back from him since'd learned about the baby he was expecting. The two could still comfort her, offer her safety. Juice could just be her friend, holding her without crossing the borders of friendship. What really kept her from walking closer to that door, was the fact that Juice would lose his mind. He already hated Kozik; if he figured out what Kozik had done, he would forget about all the horrible things he had done himself when he was drunk. He would go straight to Kozik's house and kill him.
And obviously, she didn't want her best friend to die.
She was sure that Kozik would feel horrible the next morning; he needed no help with that. He was her best friend, his relationship had just ended... He had drank too much, had done things that were really wrong but nobody else needed to interfere. This was something they had to solve together and since Kozik was – when sober – always calm and understanding, she knew they would work things out.
Dana turned away from the house. There was another place she could go to, and after a ten minute walk she found herself in front of the door behind which her own future might lie. Kip wasn't as short-tempered as Juice or her brother; he wouldn't defend Kozik but he would neither go to him in the middle of the night to beat his head to pulp. He was more stable – he was what she needed right now.
Still she was nervous as she pressed the door bell. Going to Juice had been her first instinct; something that had felt natural. There had been countless times he had comforted her, that he had hold her until she had calmed down. Kip had done that a hundred times too, but it still felt different. They only had each other, both being a victim of the same person. Even though their feelings had been real, she knew those never would have grown without Maddox's actions and somehow it made their love feel unhealthy. Maybe he felt that too, even though he couldn't remember anything.
The door opened. Kip was only wearing boxers and his blond hair looked messy; apparently he'd already been asleep.
"Hey," he said, his voice sleepy. He studied her face.
When she failed to tell him what had happened, he took her hand and gently pulled her inside. Leading her to the couch, he helped her to sit down without letting go of her hand, his thumb stroking her skin in a soothing way.
"You're so cold," he said softly. "I'll run the bath and make you some tea."
His caring nature made her blush. She had expected him to ask her all sorts of questions, but not a single one slipped his lips. She listened to his footsteps as they went from the bathroom to the kitchen, until he returned with a steaming cup of tea. Gratefully, she took the cup from him.
Dana stared into the dark fluid wishing Kip would wrap his arms around her, but he kept his distance. Instead, he told her how Casper had helped him cook and how they had made a puzzle together.
"I even had a memory when I put him to bed." His voice sounded warm and together with his enthusiasm, it made her smile.
"What kind of memory?"
"A lullaby my mom used to sing for me. I met her... but she never felt like my mom. Now – now she does." He paused for a while. "I taught Casper the song. It's You are my sunshine. I... I liked teaching him something."
His eyes flashed to the side, as if he wasn't sure whether she wanted her son to learn things from his dad. But that was exactly what she wanted. The thought that Kip had missed two years of his son's life still made her sad and she could only hope that he could catch up. This however sounded like a beautiful start.
She drank her tea until Kip got up to see if the bath was filled.
"There's a blue towel for you," he said as he returned. "Is there something else I can do? Maybe a glass of wine?" His cheeks flushed. "It's so stupid that I can't remember how you used to relax."
"Well this sounds perfect," she winked. She stood up, placing her cup on the table. "I would actually like a glass of wine. Just bring it to the bathroom if you don't mind."
In the bathroom she stripped off her clothes and lowered herself in the bathtub. There was a lot of soapy water, hiding most of her body. Nevertheless Kip knocked on the door instead of just walking in.
"I got your wine..." he said. "I – I don't know if I can come in or if you're already..."
His voice trailed off. Dana laughed softly. She knew his confidence had suffered from his memory loss and although it was kinda cute, she hoped he would feel a little more himself soon.
"You can come in."
She almost wanted to add that there was nothing he hadn't seen before, but she swallowed the words, knowing he didn't remember all those times. The door was opened and the man entered the room. His cheeks flushed the moment he saw her. Except for her face and arms there wasn't much to see, but he still didn't know where to look.
He put the glass down on the edge of the bath, close to her feet.
"Why don't you get yourself a glass of wine and join me?" she asked.
"Umm..." He rubbed his neck and stared at the floor.
"You don't have to, Kip," she said quietly. "It's really okay if you don't, I know our relationship is a bit strange. But I would like it. If you would like it too."
Skittishly he looked up. For a moment he seemed to be in conflict with himself, then he nodded, muttering he was going to get himself a glass.
Warm tinglings glided down her arms, and suddenly the whole drama with Kozik didn't seem to matter anymore. She smiled at him when he stepped into the room again, putting his glass next to hers. With a brief movement, he took off his boxers. The way he was holding his arm, showed her he was trying to hide his mutilated manhood, filling her with pity.
"You never felt ashamed of your injury," she said, his eyes focused on his. "On the contrary..." She laughed briefly. "You know how you introduced yourself to me – and to many others? You told me your name was Half Sack, and the moment I raised my eyebrows you shamelessly lowered your pants to show me the reason of your nickname, while telling some heroic story about your time in Irak. I guess the girls liked it," she chuckled.
Kip looked down for a moment as if he tried to imagine himself being successful with girls. Dana noticed he didn't know what to answer and shoved forward to create some space in the bathtub for him. Water splashed as he sat down behind her. The moment she could no longer see his nakedness, he seemed to relax a bit. As he moved his legs between hers and the side of the bath, she leaned back until her back was resting against his chest. After a short hesitation he wrapped his arms around her, kissing her shoulder.
Dana closed her eyes, just enjoying the moment for a while. She noticed how her body relaxed, and Kip also seemed to feel a little more comfortable.
"This was an amazing idea," she sighed. "I can get used to this." Her hands glided across hers, he'd spread his fingers innocently across her stomach. She reached forward, took the glasses of wine and gave one to Kip before she snuggled up to him.
Sipping the sweet drink, she laced the fingers of her other hand with Kip's. She hoped he would pick up on the hint, but like probably every man he didn't notice. Since she didn't want to ruin the moment, she just kept leaning against him until their glasses were empty. Kip wrapped his arms around her again. Slowly his fingertips stroked her stomach, higher and higher until his thumbs were brushing the underside of her breasts. Dana bit her lip, it felt like a lifetime ago that someone had touched her like this. Turning her head to the side, she kissed his shoulder to encourage him to go on. His rough hands glided higher, hugging her breasts. The sudden tight grasp made her gasp. His stubble scraped the skin of her shoulder and neck as he started to kiss it. When he took his sensitive nipples between thumb and forefinger and gently tugged on them, she sighed softly. Closing her eyes, she aimed her full attention to his caresses, wishing his fingers would move down again. Eventually they did, although not as far down as she wanted; instead they settled on her stomach.
"You feel a little better?" he asked softly.
"Better than I had ever imagined when I rang the doorbell," she muttered. "Thank you for this."
Crossing her arms, she stroked his arms with her fingertips, as far as she could reach. In the meantime she tried to gather courage to tell him what was in her heart, but she decided to postpone it until they were no longer in bath, so she could at least look him in the eye to get a glimpse of what was going on in his head once she told him what had happened.
. . .
Fifteen minutes later they were lying in his bed. Although Dana felt a strong longing to kiss him and feel his hands all over her body, she controlled herself. In the glow of the night-light she saw how Kip was studying her face. He had been patient and she was grateful to him, but she also understood that he wanted to know why she'd come to his house in the middle of the night. She laced his fingers with hers while she raised herself on her elbow.
She sighed softly. "Amy broke up with Kozik," she started. "He was drunk when I came home, he's heartbroken." She paused, wondering if she really needed to tell him everything. For some reason, she did. "He was... clingy. I helped him to go to bed since he couldn't stand straight anymore. But then... He pulled me on his bed. Kissed my neck, rolled on top of me... grabbed for my breasts..." She dropped her eyes. "Said I could easily fuck him since I'd fucked Maddox voluntarily too..."
A tear itched down her cheek. Despite the knowledge that he hadn't meant what he had said, his words hurt. Especially because she had felt so ashamed of her feelings for Ruben. Kozik had convinced her that it was normal, but today's snark gave her the feeling he had only said so to make her feel better.
"I hit him with a lamp before he could do anything else. When he came to his senses, I ran away."
Dana had no doubts that Juice would have fired all curses he knew, before convincing her it would never happen again and storming out of the house. Kip however stayed calm. His thumb stroked across hers and only when she looked up, he gave a verbal reaction.
"Did it call up bad memories?"
Dana thought about the flashes of Maddox's face that she had seen, his perfume she had smelled. "Yes," she said, her voice shaking. Wiping her eyes, she snuggled up closer to him. Instead of surrendering to the anger he had to feel, he completely focused on her feelings. As he noticed that she didn't shy away from his touch, he pulled her to his chest, his lips touching her forehead.
"Maddox is gone," Kip said, holding her tight. "What Kozik did was wrong, but I'm sure he will be madder at himself than anyone else can ever be." He raked a hand through her hair. "You felt unsafe around him before?"
"No, never," she muttered. "I don't believe he longed for me before tonight. But Amy is so insecure about herself... she's convinced he can't live with me without wanting to sleep with me... and when he was drunk, her words must have gotten into his head making him wonder if she could be true." She sighed softly. "You know, I was shocked, although not much happened in the end. It's just... I can't stay there, Kip. They broke up because of me, because I forced myself upon them – at least that's what Amy believes." She was silent for a while, then she looked up to him. "I hoped... I hoped I could stay here for a while. With you. With Casper."
His blue eyes looked straight into hers. He didn't speak, he just looked at her while his fingers were stroking her hair.
"I know I can live her for a while. But I... I hope I can stay here more permanently. You knew exactly what I needed tonight, Kip. I... I want that every night. I wanna soak in the tub with you, drink a glass of wine on the balcony with you, listen as you sing our son a lullaby, I wanna be held by you during the night..." She took his hand, pressing it briefly against her lips before she continued: "I love Juice. I know that, and I don't think that will ever change. I also know I have to let him go. Fye and he are expecting a child – which he doesn't know yet – and it feels... it feels like the last push I needed. He has to concentrate on his family and I don't want to ruin that. And I – I wanna focus on my family too. And I want that – I want that with the one I created this family with. The father of my child, the person who supported me in two of the darkest years of my life... the one of which I believe can give me everything I need – and the other way around. You don't have to respond on all this right now, I just hope... you want to consider it. Building a serious future with me."
His hand left her hair and stroked her cheek. "I want that future, Dana. Since the moment you stood in front of my door I wanted you. I lost everything, all my memories, all my feelings... but somehow my love for you has remained and if you really think you're ready to let Juice go, I believe you and I will support you."
Tears stung in her eyes because of so many sweet words. She didn't wipe them away, but let them glide down as she kissed him tenderly.
Her hand moved across his chest as he kissed her back. His fingers moved a bit as well, but it felt like he didn't dare to surrender completely to his passion. For a moment she broke the kiss so she could look him in the eye.
"Make love to me," she whispered. "Since Maddox died, nobody made love to me. My life started over and I... I want you to be my first." She read the hesitation in his eyes and felt a sting of disappointment in her stomach. She dropped her eyes. Maybe he didn't really want her, maybe...
"I wanna be your first," he said as if he sensed her pain. He laid a hand against her cheek and lifted her face. "I just find it hard... because I can't remember our previous times. I don't know what you like... what you don't like. What do you want? I mean – how do you want..." Sighing, he looked away.
Again, his words made her emotional. She stroked the hairs on his cheek. "I want you to take the initiative, to lead us; do whatever feels good. I want to relinquish control..." She bit her lip. "I have to learn to trust my lover again and with you – with you I can. I trust you, Kip." Softly, she pressed kisses to his bottom lip. "Just trust yourself too, baby."