Juice put away the razor and stared into the mirror. His face still had a shade of gray and there were dark circles below his eyes. He tried to smile at his reflection, but the grimace he created made his stomach cringe.
Maybe he should cancel it. Maybe he wasn't ready for this.
But he didn't want to disappoint her again and despite his conflicting feelings he wanted to see her, wanted to be around her. Now he wasn't fighting so hard to be away from her, he had to admit that it felt good to have her around. He had the feeling she never judged him, that she knew him better than he knew himself and it gave him some peace of mind – a peace he had been craving for the past years.
After taking a deep breath he went downstairs. The apartment was quiet. Fye was at work, but he wasn't sure whether he wanted her here or whether he was relieved she wasn't around. An encouraging smile might have helped him to steel his nerves, and at the same time he was glad she didn't see his nervousness. She was very understanding, but he knew she had a hard time dealing with the situation. That however encouraged him to go through. The sooner he had found a way to act around Dana in a normal way, the sooner he could offer Fye some stability. Since his conversation with Dana, Fye and he had kissed a couple of times, but they hadn't gone further. To his surprise, it wasn't that hard to live without the intimacy – he concentrated on other things now, tried to find other ways to show her how much he cared about her. Whether he was doing it for her, for himself or for Dana, he didn't know.
Maybe for all of them.
He closed the front door behind him and walked to his bike. A week had passed since his outburst at the clubhouse. He knew he had destroyed something that night, but he felt no regret. Maybe it had happened in a rude way, but he had told Amy nothing but the truth. It wasn't his fault that Kozik had hidden the true nature of his relationship with Dana. Mentioning something that had happened such a long time ago was easier to accept than the fact that his friend hadn't told him that Dana was still alive, not even when he was about to murder her friend.
His nerves made his hands sweat as he pulled over the bike in front of Kozik's house. The past days Dana and he had shared a few words, but there had always been others around. Today, none of his brothers would be with them. That knowledge frightened him; what if he would behave like an ass again? What if he could no longer control his feelings for her? He tried to find some middle ground among all the emotions she called up inside him, but it was hard. Still he hadn't been able to say 'no' when she had asked him to go to the carnival with her. He had been close to refusing, though, but the words of their last conversation had been racing through his mind; that they needed to find a new way to behave around each other, that it would make them both happy.
And he wanted her to be happy.
Damn, he wanted to be happy too, if that was still an option. At some moments he even wondered if she might ever be able to forgive him for what he had done to Cherry, but he kept sending these thoughts away. Before he was his old self again, he didn't want to try to get into a relationship with her. It was probably healthier if they both went their own way, and if he could handle being friends with her, it would feel like a blessing as well – something he neither deserved.
The door opened before he had gotten off his bike, as if she had been waiting for him. She was wearing a dark jeans and a green chiffon shirt, that was longer on the left side than on the right.
"Hey." She showed him a hesitating smile as she had neared him.
"Hey."
Although Dana always wore a bit – or a little more than a bit – make-up, he had the feeling that she had really tried to look more beautiful. Not to seduce him, he thought, since she wasn't wearing some hot dress, but to feel more confident.
A little awkwardly they looked at each other.
"I'm nervous," she said softly. "Stupid, huh."
"No, not at all." It felt like there was a brick in his throat, but nevertheless he admitted: "I'm nervous too."
Even though being so open scared him, it felt good. Hoping to break the ice a bit, he got off his bike and held out his arm in some subtle invitation of a hug.
The smile he caught before she wrapped her arms around him, called up an intense heat in his body. Their bodies formed to each other during the embrace; it felt like they were a perfect unity. Her perfume gave him weak knees and he had to keep himself from taking a deep breath.
Their hug was way too long for a normal greeting. Now she was standing so close to him, he thought about all the times he had hold her in his arms without clothes separating them. He wanted it back... He wanted her back so badly.
As he noticed that the excitement in his pants was giving away his thoughts, he broke away from the embrace. There was a pink tinge on her cheeks and his heart was pounding frantically in his chest, and he felt the warm glow spread across his own face too. It felt like he had fallen for her all over.
Which really wasn't his intention – this wasn't a date, this was a trip they took as friends. Instead of panicking, he glanced at her blue eyes.
It's okay, they seemed to tell him. You can have feelings for me. As long as you don't act on them.
He hoped he could keep himself in check. If he would try to kiss her again today, he didn't believe a friendship was a real possibility. And since he was convinced he would never be able to find back his old self without her, he really didn't want to fuck this up.
. . .
It wasn't the first time Dana visited Fun Town. Two days ago she'd been there with Kip and Casper too. The three of them being there had been nice, relaxed. They'd laughed a lot, which was the reason she wanted to take Juice there too. If she could just see his smile for one moment... She believed it would be a great victory for him.
His whole demeanor showed her how nervous he felt, but at the same time she sensed that the voices in his head had calmed down a bit. They were here to have fun, he knew that. To keep herself from grabbing his hand, her hands slipped into the pockets of her jeans.
"What do you want to do?" Juice asked as they walked up the terrain.
"Everything! We're gonna do everything." She showed him a cheerful smile. "Let's start with the bumper cars!"
It was working. The moment they had both taken a seat in a cart, the expression on his face changed. For a moment he was that boy again, barely an adult, who loved to fool around and who was trying to corner her now.
As they left the attraction a little later, he was more energetic than before. They got themselves some cotton candy which they ate at the edge of a pond, there after they went to the shooting gallery where they stayed until they had both won a giant stuffed animal. Those made a bigger challenge of the other attractions; when they went on the Kiddy Coaster – for which they were obviously too old, but the teenager selling them the tickets was too chicken to send a Son away – they were sitting so close that Juice had to wrap an arm around her to sit a bit comfortable. The gesture felt so familiar it almost made Dana cry. Although she wasn't sure it was wise, she leaned with her head on his shoulder. Even though the arm around her shoulders had been born out of necessity, she felt how he was tightening his grasp around her now. Dana didn't dare to look up, she knew for sure he was feeling the same kind of tinglings.
Afraid their lips would end up on each other as she looked up, she just kept leaning against him until the ride ended. Leaving the attraction, they got in line for the log flume. As they were waiting, Dana asked about his sister and his nephew. Luckily, the ordinary conversation took the tension between them a bit away.
"She has one and half year to go," Juice told her. "Then he can finally go home."
She nodded slowly. "It's a lot to take in for that poor kid."
He dropped his eyes. "And I haven't made things much easier for him."
"Given the circumstances I think you did just fine, Juice." She nudged his shoulder. "Where's that biker arrogance I used to love? Women like that."
The smirk that followed after her words, reminded her of the old Juice again. Not much later, she even heard him laugh again. She was at the front of the log and was hit with a wave of water; so much that her shirt was soaked and her hair was sticking to her cheeks. She looked over her shoulder. "Next round you're gonna be at the front!"
Just at that moment she was met with another wave, although his laughter was totally worth it. Nevertheless, she was shivering as they left the ride.
"You wanna dry out there?" He pointed to a patch of grass a little further.
"You wish dude. We're going for another ride and we won't dry out before you're just as wet as I am."
"You mean your clothes or..." He moved his eyebrows up and down.
"You wanna find out if that's what I mean?" She copied the movements of his brow. "A little ahead is a haunted house. In case you want to carry on a certain tradition."
For a few seconds he stared at her, not knowing if she was serious or not. If she was honest, she neither knew that herself. The whole idea of a friendship would fail, but damn, how badly did she want to feel those hands on her body again, his lips on her skin. His glance glided across her wet shirt sticking to her chest and there was no doubt he was sharing that longing.
"That's enough staring, young man. I'm afraid hot sex in a haunted house isn't part of our friendship package."
"And what about hot sex in a fun-house with all those weird mirrors?"
His answer surprised her, and the boyish grin that was suddenly drawn on his face was something she'd missed for far too long. "I said I missed a bit of arrogance, you don't have to love yourself so much that you want to see yourself busy from all sides."
"It's not me I'd like to see from all sides."
His voice sounded dark and she felt how the heat was gathering in her lower regions. The teasing had changed into something else and the lust was coursing through her veins. Hooking her fingers through his belt loops she pulled him closer. For a moment moment her breathing was stuck in her throat when she felt how hard he was.
"Maybe something for next year. If we're both completely ourselves again."
For a moment he held her glance. Countless emotions flashed by; disappointment, regret, hope, longing.
"I think we're doing great today, Juice." Smiling, she looked up to him. "Today I got a lot of glimpses of the man I fell in love with. He's still there." Teasingly, she patted his chest. "And now it's about time he gets as wet as I am, so I won't be the only one shivering."
"We'll see about that," he smirked. "I think you'll get the next batch too."
"You gimme your shirt if you're right?" she pouted.
"You think lookin' at my sixpack is goin' to warm you up?"
"Hell yeah," she winked.
. . .
When Dana turned home later that day, the butterflies were swarming through her belly again. She was still in love with him – or maybe she had even fallen in love with him again today. It had been a hopeful day, she truly believed they could become a couple in the future again, as they'd both healed a bit more. If he had proven her one thing today, it was that he wasn't a monster; he could still laugh, he could still enjoy life. He just needed someone who took his hand, who dragged him to places where he could find back a little bit of his old self.
Later that night Dana was surprised with a visitor. It was Fye, who looked a bit skittishly at her.
"Hey," she said friendly to the girl.
"Hey. I thought umm... Can I talk to you about something?"
"Yeah sure. Come in." She stepped to the side, letting Fye in.
A little later both girls were sitting on the couch. Fye looked nervous, she was fidgeting with her bracelet and barely dared to look at Dana.
"What's going on?" Dana asked. Had she noticed a change in Juice's behavior? Had he told her he wanted her back? She felt ashamed of the hope blossoming inside her, but after today she wanted him back so badly.
"Juice was different today. Happier, I think." Fye looked up to her. "Thank you for that. You have a great influence on him and I'm glad he's opening up to you instead of shutting you out." Fye was silent for while, looking for words. "I want to ask you something. You know him better than everyone else, so I hope you can give me some advice."
"Sure! Tell me what it is."
Fye stared at her knees. "I uhmm... I'm pregnant."
And then, it felt like a bucket of ice water was emptied above Dana's head. This afternoon had been so amazing, she had truly believed a future with Juice was still possible. And now, with these four words, Fye smashed that already fragile future to pieces.