Juice stared into his coffee mug. Tonight he hadn't slept at all; his mind had been racing with all the things he had discovered yesterday. By morning, most of the anger had subsided. He still found it hard that she had faked her death, willingly causing him so much pain. But if that was the only way to convince Maddox that she wouldn't try to escape again, he understood her decision. She had rather wanted him to lose her temporary than forever.
So yeah – he understood her, even though it didn't take the anger and pain away. He was just a mess. He had been like that since she was taken from him and deep down he didn't believe he would ever become his old self again. How could he? Finding the mutilated body of his little girl, Dana's kidnapping, the murder of Lotte and later of Cherry – all those things had marked him forever. No matter how broken he was, he didn't want her trying to fix him. If he was honest, he couldn't picture a life in which he could make her happy. He was a monster. She had finally escaped from a sociopath, should she really commit herself to another one? He was no longer who she thought he was.
It was over, the man she had loved was dead. He was only a ghost; a ghost whispering in his ear that he loved Dana deeply and that he should let her go. She had to find a nice guy, a normal guy.
She would never accept his words; he had to show her what a monster he was. He had to persist yesterday's behavior, even when it hurt her. In the end she would become sick of him; she would see the monster he had become. Then she would let him go too.
Was it fair to Fye?
Maybe not.
But his feelings for Dana had always been there, that hadn't changed. And he loved Fye – in a way. Just not as much as he loved Dana – but he never wanted to love someone so much again. It had destroyed him. It was his love for Dana what had destroyed him. If that happened to him again, nothing would be left of him.
The doorbell made him look up. It was close to 9, who the hell would stop by that early? Before he could get up, Fye did. Her curls bounced around her shoulders as she walked to the front door.
He heard soft voices, footsteps.
When Dana entered the room, he could only stare at her. It was still unbelievable that she had returned and he felt his heart jump. She was wearing a green blouse, reminding him of the blouse she wore when they were playing strippoker. It felt like a lifetime ago. Oh, how he wanted to sit down with her on the couch, be twenty nine again and unbutton the piece of clothe? And all he was actually doing, was hurting her.
But it was better if she bit the bullet now instead of trying to be in a relationship with him again and discovering the monster inside him. She deserved a sweeter, a nicer man. Not a man who had shot her best friend through her head without a shred of remorse.
"What do you want?" he asked.
Miraculously, he managed to keep his voice in control. It didn't shake and sounded bored.
"I need to tell you something. Can we uh – can we talk somewhere in private?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever it is, Fye can listen too." With his eyes he motioned his girlfriend to sit down next to him.
Dana seemed confused for a moment, then she nodded and sat down across from him. Although he was aware of how uncomfortable Fye felt, he grabbed her hand and rested it on the table, hoping the affection would startle Dana.
His heart however was crying when she showed him a sad smile. Even when provoking her, she didn't get upset, she didn't become angry. She was so sweet, so friendly. He was so unworthy of her.
"Right. Ehmm... I wanted to tell you myself before you go to the clubhouse and pick up on it." Dana sighed. Her hand moved across the table as if she wanted to put it over his; then she pulled it back in confusion and blushed.
The sight of her red cheeks sped up his breathing. He wanted to lay his hand against her warm cheek, wanted to kiss her, wanted... Focus! He shoved his thoughts to the side as he had taught himself during the past months and searched for the dark silence in his mind; there where he was always finding himself when he had to carry out tasks for the club without room for a conscious or doubt.
"Well? What are you waiting for?"
She took a deep breath. "Okay. Umm... The last time we were calling... when you told me about Lotte and I told you about... that guard I had feelings for?"
For a moment the emotions were battering on his wall; that had been one of the toughest days in his life. Quickly he slammed his feelings away. "Yeah?"
"Well – he was no guard. I uh – I talked about Kip."
Juice stared at her. Her words were so unexpected that his wall collapsed; bricks hitting his face. "You fucked him?"
His voice sounded low and threatening – he didn't even have to pretend.
She however didn't flinch and looked calmly at him. "I did. Kip was locked up in a room for months, I was raped for months. When we had a moment alone, we needed each other's love. We had sex one time, there after Kip felt so guilty towards you that he didn't want to do it again, not even when I told him you were banging another chick too. Maddox loved to show me those videos."
Juice felt Fye tense. Damn it, he didn't want her to hear all of this. What if Dana would say something about Lotte? "Go upstairs."
"But –"
"Go fucking upstairs!!"
Quietly, she shoved back her chair and pulled away her hand. Without saying anything she walked away. Juice breathed in heavily; he hated himself for hurting the only two women he cared about. He felt the urge to apologize to Dana, but kept his teeth clenched. This was exactly what he wanted. She had to see what an asshole he was.
"I didn't tell her any of that shit," he explained to Dana. "So? You fucked Kip. You really needed to tell me that? You're tryin' to tell me you don't want me anymore 'cause you're movin' on with him? Well you got my blessing, I don't give a shit about who you fuck."
"I love you, Juice. That doesn't mean that I have no feelings for Kip, but you're the one my heart beat for the past years, and I know it will always beat for you."
No no no! He didn't want to hear shit like this. She was supposed to hate him, hate him!
"Whatever," he huffed.
She sighed. Her blue eyes rested in his and he felt a shiver crept down his spine. What if she saw right through him? She knew him so well... Or at least she knew the old Juice so well. Who was gone.
"Maddox didn't know about Kip and me," she continued. "One day he wanted me to get pregnant again. He couldn't help me with that, so he forced me to have sex with Kip. It wasn't completely involuntarily, but Maddox didn't know that." She kept his glance. "Casper is his. Kip is Casper's father. I told him last night, for he doesn't remember. I wanted to be the one telling you this, Juice." This time she reached over the table and hold his hand. "I know this is hard to accept. The past four years have been so fucked up, I..."
"Leave," he growled. Suddenly he felt sick. Kip and Dana had fucked. They had a fucking child. His own daughter was dead, but Kip's was still alive? Maddox had killed his little girl, but he had fucking wanted Kip to bang Dana?! "Leave Dana. Leave or I'll do something to you. You said what you wanted to say, so fuck off now. I don't wanna see you again. Not ever."
When she didn't respond, the anger bubbled up and he pushed the table backwards. He wanted her to leave. He knew he could never lay a hand on her but he didn't want her to know.
"I've lived with a monster for four years, Juice," she answered calmly. "I've been raped and beaten and still I was strong enough to tame the beast and kill him. You really think you can scare me? If you want me to leave, just ask nicely."
The disappointment in her eyes felt like a punch in the stomach.
But that was good. That was what he wanted.
A little stiff she stood up and headed to the front door. Juice watched her leave.
Once the door was shut, he buried his face in his hands and started to cry.
As good as he had controlled himself the past year – right now he was a fucking mess. Again.