The moment Dana was standing in the hallway, she leaned against the wall, feeling defeated. She could hear his rage; he screamed while throwing things against the wall. Oh, she felt so sorry for him.
Of course she understood him.
She might have been furious too, if she had been in his shoes. He needed time to deal with all of this and she would give him that time. She was also taking into account the possibility that they would never get back together at all. Too much might have happened. She thought she could make peace with that, but hearing him rant right now... He was still so damaged, which was the reason that the tears were piling up in her eyes.
Knowing that things would only get worse if he stormed out of his room and saw her behind his door, she walked further down the hallway. Opening the door of Kozik's room, she peeked inside. Casper and Charley both seemed to be asleep. Although there was some space on the bed, she decided not to take the risk of waking them up. They both needed their sleep.
Instead, she walked to the kitchen and got herself breakfast. A pot of coffee was ready, telling her someone else was around. With a bowl with cereals and yogurt in her one hand and coffee in the other, she walked to the sitting area. The gloominess she had felt, disappeared when she noticed that Kozik was sitting on the couch.
"Hey. You're up early." She sat down next to him.
He looked briefly at her. "You too."
"But that doesn't surprise you, right?" she asked. Something told her that she was the reason that he had showed up so early.
"No, it doesn't," he admitted. "But well – I had my hopes high that it would take a little longer before you two would start to fight. I guess it was inevitable, huh?"
"I guess." She shrugged her shoulders. "He'll come around. His brain is just shutting down."
"He didn't... hurt you, right?"
She shook her head. "No. When I explained to him why I'd chosen to fake my death, he started to yell, but he didn't start to throw things around until I had left the room."
From the corner of her eyes she saw that Kozik was pensively staring forward. "Clay promoted him to SAA just after your death," he told her. "Since that day, not much is left of the old Juice, Dane. You can't imagine the things he has done."
"I know more than you think," she answered. "Maddox showed me a lot of shit. I know what happened to Lotte. Trust me, I've gained some experience with complicated men the past years. If I can deal with Maddox, I'll survive Juice's mood swings as well. He just needs time to deal with stuff."
"I think that's exactly his problem," Kozik sighed. "He ain't dealing with anything. All his pain, his grief, his hatred... it remains raw. It doesn't fade."
"And his girlfriend? Lotte helped him a lot when they were together... Does she have a good influence on him?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. I don't know her that well. I often get the feeling that he just doesn't want to be alone. He never looks at her like he used to look at you. To be honest, he's neglecting all his relationships. With Fye, with us... with his nephew."
"His nephew?"
Kozik nodded slowly. "He showed up at the clubhouse when Juice was in rehab. The kid's seven now. Juice's sister is in jail and the kid had no other place to go. My Old Lady has a kid of the same age, so Juice is leaving the raising to her."
"Well well? You got an Old Lady?" Teasingly, she bumped her shoulder against his. "Tell me about her!"
A smile crossed his lips. "Her name is Amy. It's pretty recent, she gone through a really painful break-up so she wants to take little steps now. I wouldn't mind to go a bit faster, but..." He shrugged his shoulders. "I just want her to feel comfortable."
She leaned with her head against Kozik's shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Koz. You deserve a sweet girl."
"Don't get sentimental now, huh?" He wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "You got any plans for today?"
"Actually I wanted to ask you if Casper and I can move into your spare room for a while, but now you're with Amy things are different. But I just... I just don't want to force myself on Juice, so I don't think it's wise to stay in the clubhouse."
"Don't be silly, of course you can use my spare room." He was silent for a while, looking pensively at her. "Although I do wonder what Juice will think of that."
"I gotta go somewhere, it's just temporary." She shrugged her shoulders. As much as she loved Juice – the world didn't revolve around him. She didn't want her son to grow up in a clubhouse. Later today she would tell Kip that he had a son, but she was sure he needed time too to handle the news. She however didn't tell Kozik; she believed Kip had the right to be the first to hear about Casper.
. . .
Because it was still early, Kozik and Dana decided to take some stuff to Kozik's apartment, so she would have a place to turn to in case Juice could no longer bear the thought to be in the same room as her.
Once she had returned, she saw Juice sitting at the picknick table, smoking a cigarette, and she decided to share a few more words with him. There were still some matters she needed to discuss with him.
She sat down next to him. In protest, he turned his head the other way, pretending she wasn't around. How long would he go through with this? They hadn't been in a lot of fights and usually she had been the stubborn one. Patience however was something she mastered those days and she forced herself not to worry too much. That would help neither of them. She was sure that he would be able to forgive her one day. He loved her, even when his anger was clouding all his other feelings right now.
"I brought Maddox's laptop with me," she told him. "I don't think it's very well-protected; apart from me there was no one around. I'm sure there's information on it about the brothels he was owning and the girls he had abducted. If you can find access to his files, we might be able to make a deal with the cops, giving them the information in exchange for Hap's and Tig's release."
This time, Juice did turn his face towards her, looking her briefly in the eye. Confusion was shimmering in his eyes, as if he had expected her to say something about their relationship. Dana however left it to him. It was the chaos in his head that needed to be sorted out. She was willing to help him if he'd allow her, but she wasn't going to beg. She would just act normal, no matter how he treated her. By showing strength, she hoped he would draw strength from her.
He nodded slowly. "Okay." He stared at his shoes, pondering as if he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave or not.
"Did you ever meet Lotte's parents?" she asked after a while. His shoulders tensed when she mentioned the name of his ex. Before he would get angry, she continued: "Charley, the girl I took with me, is Lotte's little sister. I told her that Lotte died because of Maddox, I didn't say anything to her about you. Today we're going to reach out to her parents. I thought... well maybe you like a heads up in case you're suddenly confronted with them."
He didn't answer. She used his silence to tell him everything that was on her mind.
"I'm going to move in with Kozik for a while. I don't want Casper to grow up in a clubhouse and I want to give you some space as well. Take the time to deal with all of this, Juice. I get it if you don't want to get back together, and maybe you can work on a future with Fye now you know what happened to me. But if you want to discover if we can still be a thing one day, I'd really like that. Maybe we can go out a few times, just something simple... Get to know each other again..."
When he didn't respond, she hesitantly laid her hand across his. Without looking at her, he pulled his hand away. She had no doubt that he had walked away if he hadn't believed it would make him look like a coward.
"I'll give you the laptop in a minute. If you don't want to see me, you can always tell Kozik what you found so we can go to the police."
He snorted. "You asked Kozik's girl what she thinks of you moving in with her Old Man? Haven't you broken enough hearts?"
She frowned. "You know Kozik and I are just friends."
He dropped the butt of his cigarette and crushed it underneath his boot. "And still it's no rocket science to predict what's going to happen when the two of you are going to share a house." He got up. "I don't believe he has no feelings for you, I never have. And even if I'm wrong – everyone would want to fuck a body like yours, and Kozik ain't a saint. She knows that too."
Without taking a second look at her, he rushed away.
Dana sighed, trying to ignore his blunt words. It was just a front; he was clinging to his anger to suppress his other feelings of which he didn't know what to do with them.