There were good and bad days. There were moments on which he was clinging to Dana's words, trying to collect victories; the silent resistance against Maddox she had mentioned. In the end it was Maddox who had given him this blow, who had forced Lotte into his life and he was trying really hard not to turn into that aggressive drunk again. He didn't distance himself from the others and spent a lot of time in the clubhouse, and on other days he went out with his nephew.
There however were also days things didn't go that well. Days on which he was getting drunk, days on which he couldn't leave his bed while he was plagued by a horrible loneliness. Often he could see these darker periods come, so he was able to call a croweater to take Mikey to Kozik or Amy.
Two months had passed since Lotte died. Slowly the grief had been replaced by a cold resignation. Every morning he told himself that she had betrayed him, that she had played him and that she had never truly loved him; and in turn, she had never been anything but a cheap replacement for Dana.
It helped. The guilt was slipping away, but the loneliness, the absence stayed. He spent all his nights alone; it felt safer to stay away from girls. They could all be on Maddox's payroll. The first time he hadn't noticed her true nature; why would that be different this time? He hated being alone – but it was also protecting him from getting hurt again.
And so the days passed by. Battling the loneliness. Battling the urge to seek company. Of course his brothers were there for him, but it wasn't the same. They couldn't offer what Lotte and Dana had given to him.
At most days he stayed in the clubhouse until 8, then he put Mikey to bed and watched tv until he could no longer keep his eyes open. It was an empty life – but at least he was alive. Sometimes he was still navigating through the dark web, although it was rather a moral obligation than that he really thought to find a lead. Undoubtedly Maddox had dug himself in now they had discovered the link with Lotte's sister.
"You guys got mail." Chucky walked towards them with a pile of envelopes in his hands, dragging him out of his thoughts. "There's even a letter for me!"
They were just done having lunch, and the man handed them the envelops one by one. Juice froze when he saw his full name written on the front. His eyes flashed around to see if the others were just as suspicious as he was. Since he had received that horrible package a year ago, the mailman was filling him with fear at the most random moments.
Jax was the first one opening the envelop. Juice watched his face, the letter shaking in his hand. The moment Jax's eyes flashed to Juice, he knew who had sent the mail.
"What?" he asked, feeling short of breathe. "What is it? Some – some invitation? For their wedding?"
Wouldn't that be typical Maddox? Marrying Dana and somehow forcing him to watch?
"No," Jax muttered, dropping his eyes.
Juice's whole body started to shake. It was a message from Maddox, he could feel it.
"What is it?"
Jax didn't answer.
There was a tearing sound; Kozik was sitting diagonally across from him, pulling a card out of the envelop. An enormous ice cube was growing inside Juice's chest; suddenly he was plagued by such a deep fear that he couldn't even see what was on the card. His breathing sped up in a dangerous pace when Kozik pressed his hands against his face and started to cry, his shoulders shaking.
Juice could only stare at him, feeling paralyzed.
He had never seen Kozik cry.
Never.
He had no idea if the others were talking, whether they were saying things to him. Suddenly he heard nothing but a dull static, as if someone had turned down the volume.
He bent his head.
This doesn't have to do anything with Dana.
Maybe something had happened to Kozik's daughter.
Juice felt sick of himself; hoping for a way out like that.
With shaking fingers he opened the envelop. There were two cards in it. Congratulations was written on the first, the letters wreathed with roses. He turned the card around .
Dear Juan Carlos,
With deep regret I have to inform you that you won. Her love for you exceeds her love for me. Congratulations, I guess. I will give her back to you. Take good care of her. She loves red roses.
- Maddox
A pang went through his chest, he tasted bile when he read the name of the man he hated so much. What was this all about? He glanced at the other side of the table. Had it been tears of joy? Everyone however was watching him in silence, with such an intensity that he forgot how to breathe. Swallowing, he put the card on the table and glanced at the next. His head seemed to overflow, thousands of thoughts entangled.
Still, every thought died away when he looked at the card.
It was a photo of Dana, depicted in shades of grey; she was sitting on the beach and staring forward. Next to it were three white blocks of texts. Dana Lowman, was written in the upper one. Below her name were two dates, and at the bottom stood forever in our hearts.
Juice opened the card; searching for the joke, for a threat written down on the inside. The text however was short. Her endless love led to her early death. Her name was below it, and on the left side a text was written. Only after reading it – it was a description of the date and place where they could say their goodbyes; tomorrow – realization hit him like a truck.
She was dead.
She was dead because she couldn't stop loving him.
By reflex, he pushed himself backwards, away from the letter of condolence, away from the truth. His chair dropped on the ground, but he didn't feel his head and back hitting the floor. All he felt was a raw, deep pain; more horrible than anything he had ever felt before, and he screamed, lashing out to stop the pain – as if her death was a monster that was tearing him to pieces, which he could kill as long as he would fight it.