Kaneki always wore long sleeves. At the hospital, he had to, as his doctor coat will cover from his arms to his wrists. But even at home, in his private and casual time, he's wearing long sleeved shirts. It was something Touka noticed after going over to his apartment for dinner sometimes. She casually asked him one day but he touched his chin, again.
It was only when he fell asleep on his desk doing his reports, that she decided to creep up on him and gently pull his sleeves up. Her eyes widened at the cut scar marks on both of his wrists and she couldn't help but let out a gasp when she saw that one of it seemed quite recent, the scar still red. Was he cutting himself?!
To her dismay, he grumbled in his sleep and slowly opened his eyes. He saw that his wrists were exposed and quickly pulled his sleeves down. Sighing in relief, he stood up and turned, only to be shocked that Touka was there. His voice came out more panicky than he wanted it to. "D-did you see anything?"
"I'm sorry. I saw the cut marks on your wrists... Would you tell me about them?"
He bit his lower lip and offered for her to have a seat on his bed. "It was a long time ago. My father died before I could remember and it was only my mother and I. When I was a child, my aunt often came to my mother asking for money even when she was much better off than us. My mother had to work few part-time jobs at the same time and she often—" he hesitated as he tried to find a nicer word to phrase it, but there wasn't one. "Abused me. Out of stress and anger."
Touka remained quiet and allowed him to continue.
"I loved her. I really did. I thought that she was so hardworking and caring to be able to support me and her sister at the same thing. But as she abused me, I started to develop depression symptoms. Whenever she was out, I'd find ways to end my life so I wouldn't suffer any of her beatings anymore. But when my plan of hanging myself failed, I resorted to cutting myself. It started with small scissors. After my mother passed away and my aunt mistreated me at their house, my depression worsened and it turned into using knives. She kicked me out when she saw me trying to cut myself and I went to stay with Hide."
Kaneki took in a huge breath and exhaled. A smile then graced his lips. "Hide helped me in keeping the demons from haunting my mind and he was the one who convinced me to become a doctor to help other people. He said that I might find solace in being able to make a difference in people's lives and he was right. I really did and I still feel that way."
Touka smiled. "He must be a great friend."
"Mm." He then frowned. "But once in a while, the fact I was the one who drove my mother to her death would come back to haunt me and I..would cut myself whenever that happened. This red marking you see here, it happened a few weeks ago."
A few weeks ago... They were still dating. She cursed, she should have pressed on the issue even when he didn't want to talk about it. Maybe then she could have lightened his burden, even if it was a little. It was so upsetting to see him, who is able to help others but is unable to help himself. Looking at him reminded her a lot about herself. She wanted to love, but she couldn't because of her bad past experience with men. They were so, so similar.
The poor guy looked like he was about to cry but she knew he wouldn't do that, because he was in front of her, a woman. Guys rarely ever cry in a woman's presence because they didn't want to show their vulnerable side, their weaknesses.
Kaneki turned in his seat and had his back to her. She could hear his sniffles and his attempts in hiding the break in his voice. "I'm sorry, could I be left alone?"
She wouldn't. Grabbing the top of his chair, she made use of the fact that it was the roller kind and turned him around to face her. Her arms wrapped around his neck, one hand on the back of his head, pushing his face to her chest. "I won't."
His eyes went wide at her action because she has never initiated a hug before and he felt more tears brim in his eyes. Hands moving up to squeeze her waist, he sobbed into her chest.
They moved to lay down onto his bed, with his head on her chest and her arms around him. Her hands moved in comforting circles on his back before stroking his head. All the while she did that, she kissed his head and forehead, and whispered that she'll be there with him. He choked out a soft thank you before closing his eyes and falling asleep.
—
It was night by the time Kaneki woke up and he glanced dazedly around the room. His mind replayed the part where Touka comforted him by taking him into her arms. It's been a long time since he's had a good sleep. He turned to his side, gazing at the woman beside him.
She was sleeping so peacefully, her face serene and relaxed. An exact opposite of when she was awake. Usually, she would have a frown or a scowl on her face, as if everyone in the world offended her or something. She was different during work though, a smile permanently plastered on her face as she interacted with the patients. His hand pushed her bangs away and caressed her cheek. He wanted to see more of her personality—
Her eyes shot open and she narrowed her eyes at him. "What? Attempting to kiss me again?"
Kaneki leaned in and grinned. "What if I said I was?"
Cheeks turning pink, she was at a loss of words. Shoving his chest to push him away, she jumped from the bed and looked back at him with a sly grin. "If you can catch me, I'll let you kiss me."
He was too shocked that she had already run out of the room before he could get out of bed. A smile formed on his lips as he remembered her words. I'll definitely have to catch her then.
After playing some hide and seek with her hiding in cupboards and behind curtains, he finally caught her in his arms, laughter filling the living room and they gazed at one another. With his arms around her waist, he leaned in, and murmured, "I'll be claiming my kiss now."
Her eyes fluttered closed, and Touka felt his soft lips press against hers. He had the scent of a male, but it was comforting. Heck, she felt safe in his arms. He pulled back to breathe before leaning in again. Her hands covered his mouth and he muffled in protest against her hands.
She smiled. "I didn't say you could get 2 kisses."
Kaneki whined, a frown on his lips. "Ehhh? But I want another one!"
The female giggled. Who knew that Kaneki Ken, the doctor who always eluded a mature aura around him, would also have a childish side?
"Nope. You have to earn it. If you make me happy, I'll think about giving you more."
"Think only?" He whined again.
Touka laughed and her expression turned serious. "Do you feel better now?"
He knew that she was referring to his demons, or nightmares, whatever it was that made him cry earlier. Nodding, he kissed her forehead and smiled. "Yes, thank you."
—
It was 4 months into their relationship that Kaneki started saying 'I love you's to her. He knew she didn't feel the same when she would just shrug and force a smile for him. Sometimes when he talked to her, she would just stare into space and have a very sad expression on her face. That's when he knows that she still thought about her ex-boyfriend and missed him dearly.
Though it was upsetting to see that, the male promised himself that he wouldn't give up on making her fall in love with him and that he would continue saying his 'I love you's until she's ready to say it back to him one day. After all, she was comfortable enough with him to let him hold her hand, hug her and even kiss her.
He really did have high hopes that she'd fall in love with him eventually.
—
It's been 7 months since they started dating and Touka is very happy with Ken. Sometimes she finds that she's so much more herself when she's with him than with Takeshi. He brings out the best in her and never failed to make her smile. But she knew that some part of her still missed Takeshi. They have dated for a few years after all and it wasn't exactly easy for one to lose feelings for someone they've spent a bulk of their time with.
She felt bad for doing this to Ken, who was devoting his time and giving all of his heart to her. She had feelings for him, yes, that's a fact, but she still had lingering feelings for Takeshi. Sure, the guy was a bastard for cheating on her but she still did love him for the past few years.
—
The couple was on one of their usual dates, where they'd hold hands and window shop whilst talking about the most trivial things.
"Isn't that Touka?" A familiar voice rang out.
They turned back to see the bastard aka Takeshi, with the woman whom he cheated on Touka with. He had a smirk on his face as the woman intertwined their fingers together, as if purposely showing off to them that she had successfully snatched Takeshi away.
"It hasn't even been a few months since we broke up and you're already with another guy. I didn't know you were such a slut! Thank god I broke up with you."
Ken could tell Touka was holding herself back, from how tightly she squeezed his hand and the tears that brimmed in her eyes. He couldn't just stand there and let her be insulted. So he decided to do something out of his personality, and let out a scoff. Puffing his chest out, he purposely raised his voice as he glared at Takeshi. "Says the guy who cheated on his girlfriend for months and broke up with her the moment she caught you. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"You—!"
Before Takeshi could retort, the woman pulled him back and shook her head. She noticed that people were starting to gather around them whilst gossiping and urged him to let it go. Eventually, he did, angrily, and they left the place. Kaneki glanced over to Touka who bit her lower lip so hard and looked like she was about to break down. He decided to end their date there and brought her home in his car.
—
Touka had her back to Ken when they entered her apartment and she had to hold in her tears as she spoke, "Thank you for speaking up for me earlier and for sending me home. Y-you can go home now."
Please go before I start crying. She begged internally.
Ken remained silent, moved to stand in front of her and cupped her cheeks so that she looked up at him. "I will always be by your side, Touka. You don't have to hide from me."
Those sentences made the tears she's been holding in since the start, flow down her cheeks. She buried her face in his chest and wrapped her arms tightly around his torso. She cried. Letting out all of her sadness and misery.
The male rubbed soothing circles on her back and kissed her head as she did so, patiently waiting for her to finish crying and hoped that she would feel much better after that. It was a solid 5 minutes until she stopped and pulled back to grab some tissues to wipe all of the tears off of her face. Touka then looked at him with a smile, encircling his neck with her arms and stood on her toes to kiss him.
The sadness in her eyes returned again and she gazed at him. "Make love to me."
Kaneki really didn't mind doing as she wished, he thought as he peppered kisses down the sides of her neck and heard her breathy moans. But when the name 'Takeshi' fell off her lips, his body flinched and he pulled away from her. Touka's eyes widened in shock after realizing she had just called him the name of her ex-boyfriend and she looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry, Kaneki. I really am—"
He remained silent and had a brooding look on his face.
"I should leave." He finally said.
She grabbed his arm and tried to hold him back. "Kaneki. I'm sorry."
"..I think we should spend some time apart. I need time to think about us."
Before she could stop him, Kaneki had already left and closed the door behind him. Touka collapsed and stared at the ground. She found herself despicable, how could she mention another guy's name while in his arms? She was overcome with guilt and couldn't stop apologizing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
The male leaned with his back against the door and felt tears stream down his cheeks. He had always thought it was okay that she was still in love with her ex, and really didn't mind waiting for her to fall in love with him. But he felt hurt, really hurt when she was in his arms and yet was thinking of Takeshi.
He was losing hope for their relationship and her ever falling in love with him.
—
During their 2 weeks apart, they never went on dates nor texted each other. Touka wanted to give Kaneki the space he desired and held in every amount of want in her to see him. She wanted so much to apologize and missed him dearly. At the hospital, their relationship went back to before they started dating and it hurt her heart when he would treat so normally, as if they were never in a relationship.
—
One morning, Kaneki was on the way home in his car from an exhausting 7-hour surgery that happened in the night and stared up at the traffic lights. He wondered how Touka was doing, was she eating well or sleeping well? He missed her so much but he didn't want to go see her, not when she still had feelings for another man. He sighed, he was so pathetic. Look at him now. Even after deciding to wait until she was ready, he couldn't even keep to his own promise. He was selfish, he wanted her all to himself.
But is it wrong for feeling this way? It has been 7 months since they started dating after all and she should have developed some feelings for him already.
His thoughts were interrupted when the green light came on and he stepped on the accelerator. Within seconds of going straight, a truck from the opposite lane went straight towards him and he had to swerve to the right to avoid it. But he couldn't make it in time and his car flipped. His head hit the steering wheel and blood gushed out.
His body ached and he couldn't feel his arms and legs. The last thing that he saw in his mind was Touka with a smile on her face and he passed out.
As he thought, he loved her, even if she didn't have the same feelings for him. He promised himself that if he survived this, he would propose to Touka. He wanted her in his life and couldn't imagine living without her. And they would overcome this, as long as they were together.
—
A ringtone sounded the air.
"Hello, is this Kirishima Touka?" A female voice over the phone asked.
"Yes, who is this?" Touka answered.
"This is Nurse Ayaka from Togo Hospital. Kaneki Ken has gotten into an accident and is in critical condition. Can you please make your way over now?"
Her heart flipped. Accident?
She wiped her falling tears as she rushed to grab all of her stuff and dashed out of the house. Please be okay, Kaneki! As soon as she reached the hospital, she checked the list of newly-admitted patients and their locations and quickly ran to his room. A doctor was standing by his side and she recognized him as Kaneki's colleague, Doctor Yamazaki. "H-how is he?" She asked, breathless.
Doctor Yamazaki frowned and looked down to the floor. "He's in a coma and we don't know when he'll wake up. It could take weeks, months, years or never. We did all we could and I'm sorry."
Touka collapsed to the floor after the doctor left the room and started to hyperventilate. Never wake up? That's not possible. She can't—didn't want that to happen. Pulling herself together, she stood up and walked over to his bedside. Staring down at his pale face, she noticed the bandage around his head and could gather that he's in a coma because he hit his head. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she took his hand and placed it on her cheek. "Kaneki..."
—
It's been 2 weeks since Kaneki was admitted to the hospital and he hasn't woken up. Touka visited him each time she was on her breaks and talked to him. Her topics were always about the weather, her work and how much she missed him. During the two weeks, she had plenty of time to think about herself, Ken and the both of them.
Kaneki opened his eyes to a vastness of white space and glanced around. There was nothing but white space. He remembered his accident and wondered if he was in Heaven now. Tears brimmed in his eyes and fell down his cheeks at the thought of never seeing Touka again. Oh, how much he regretted not telling her that he loved her one last time before he departed this world. Suddenly, a white screen appeared before him and he saw his beloved on it.
Touka had a sad smile on her face as she took a wet towel to clean his face and applied lip balm on his lips. She moved to open the curtains to let the sunlight in before sitting down beside him and started to talk. It was like seeing a movie on what happened in real life, only that his mind was conscious, not his body.
"Today is the 15th day of you sleeping. I've had a lot of time to think about us and I have so many things I want to tell you. Doctor Yamazaki said that you might be able to hear this and wake up earlier so here goes. After Takeshi cheated on me, I had thought of men as the worse beings and scum on the planet. Until you came along.
You were so stupid to even ask me to go out with you and didn't mind me hating men. And stupidly, I had gone along with it, thinking it might be good to make this a short-term thing where I could take my mind off of things and distract myself from the horrible break-up.
A few weeks into dating, I found myself slowly opening up to you and soon enough, I fell in love. You had changed my impression of men into a better one and was always loyal to me. Even when women always threw themselves at you, you'd politely reject them and tell them that you had a girlfriend." She stopped to catch a breath and her voice came out shaky.
"But I took advantage of your feelings and hurt you. I still can't forget the pained expression on your face when I accidentally called you Takeshi. Now that you're unable to talk or move, I finally realized how much I love you. I miss your warm smiles, gentle caresses and kisses, and kind words. I'm so sorry it took me this long and I hope it isn't too late. Please come back to me, Ken."
She kissed his forehead and pulled the blankets higher so that he wouldn't feel cold.
The Ken in his mind had heard all of this and couldn't stop his tears from falling. "I promise I will."
After she left the room to return to her work, his fingers moved.
A week later, Touka was on the way to Kaneki's room again when she saw Doctor Yamazaki running towards her. "Doctor Kaneki has woken up!"
After hearing that, the female dropped the lunchbox in her hand and dashed to his room. Her heart raced in his chest and she was filled with happiness at being able to see and talk to him again. She came to a halt at his door and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.
"Come in."
Kaneki was sitting up in his bed and stared at her with wide eyes when she entered and smiled. "Touka."
His voice was raspy from the many days of not drinking water but it didn't bother her one bit. Her lips trembled as she took one step, then another and ran to throw her arms around his neck. She sobbed into his shirt as he slowly overcame his surprise and wrapped his arm around her. "It's good to be back."
--
After wiping all of the tears she shed, Touka settled down beside him and had her fingers intertwined with one another. They remained quiet for the longest time ever as she avoided meeting his gaze and Kaneki soon broke the silence. "..I heard everything you said. About us."
Her eyes flickered up to meet his and she looked at him apologetically. "I'm so sorry—"
A hand moved to rest over hers and he smiled at her. "I've heard what you had to say, and now will you listen to me?"
She nodded. "Of course."
Kaneki took a deep breath and squeezed her hand. "I've liked you for a few years now and even after finding out that you were seeing someone, I couldn't stop my feelings for you. When I saw you that night at the bar, I couldn't help but want to make you feel better. It made me wonder, what was that something so bad to have made you cry like that.
I want to apologize though, because I took advantage of the fact that you were in a very vulnerable state and proposed for us to start dating. It was ungentlemanly of me and I should have just waited until you were really over him.
When you agreed to date me, I was over the moon because I was finally able to date the person I liked. Though it was difficult getting you to open up to me, I enjoyed every minute of it, because it was spent with you, and no one else. I fell deeper in love and on that day you asked me to make love to you, I reacted badly when you called his name. Up until then, I was just so hopeful that you'd finally have feelings for me but when that happened, I was hurt, and that's why I suggested for us to separate for the time being.
After that, I got into a car accident and before I lost consciousness, I thought of you and I realized that I couldn't live without you. Even if you still had feelings for him, I still wanted you by my side." He paused to take her hand into his and gazed into her eyes. "Will you marry me? I promise I'll make you happy and love you forever."
Tears slipped down her cheeks at his confession and she nodded, believing his words. She knew he was always a genuine guy, but until now she wasn't able to trust him because of her fear of trusting others due to her bad experience with Takeshi. But this time, she didn't doubt his words and didn't want to hide her feelings anymore. "I love you too. Yes, I'll marry you."
A huge smile graced his face and his eyes brimmed with tears of relief.
—
Their marriage was a small one, with only their closest friends and relatives invited to the ceremony at the church. After everything was over, they went to Paris for their honeymoon and will be there for 2 weeks. It was a long journey on the flight over and they dropped onto the bed as soon as they reached their 5-star hotel. As the newly-wedded couple laid on the bed, they turned to face one another and shared a short but sweet kiss before gazing at one another.
Kaneki took her hand and admired the silver band on her finger. "I can't believe we're married... Around a year ago, I was only having a crush on you..." He murmured, pressing a kiss to her ring finger.
Touka laughed as she pulled him in for another kiss. "Well, you have many years to come to believe that we're really married. You're stuck with me forever it seems."
He grinned and leaned his forehead against hers. "I can't wait to spend forever with you. I love you."
A smile crossed her face. "I love you too."
—
A/n: Welps I wanted to let them have some private time after Kaneki got discharged from the hospital but uh, i would have gotten sidetracked if I did that. You guys can just think about the gaps I left in between time skips and imagine scenarios.
Hope ya enjoyed reading as much as I did writing (and I dreaded writing this too cuz I hate long one shots but I love writing. So I have a love-hate relationship with writing zzz)
Drop me a comment on what you thought about this one shot!
Bonus point: whoever can guess who is Yamazaki in real life, I will do a request of yours (of course, it depends on the decency/difficulty of the request). Hint: he's my favorite actor.