Songs for this chapter are:
Syndicate- The Fray
Ungodly hour- The Fray
Treacherous - Taylor Swift
Through the Dark - One Direction
Hardin's POV.
The silence is so loud, she's trying to stay quiet on her side of the car but I can hear her breathing, the way she's trying to control it, to control her emotions.
My chest is so fucking tight and she's just sitting there, letting my words stew in her mind. Why do I always do this shit to her?
I always say the wrong things no matter how many times I promise that I won't. No matter how many times I promise that I will change, I always do this.
I pull away and leave her to deal with the shit herself.
Not again. I can't do it again, she needs me more than ever and this is my chance to show her that I can be here the way she needs.
Tessa doesn't look over at me as I turn the wheel and park on the side of the highway. I turn my hazard lights on and hope that a damn cop doesn't come and start shit.
"Tess," I attempt to get her attention while I scramble through my thoughts. She doesn't look up from her hands in her lap. "Tessa, please look at me." I reach my hand across the console to touch her but she jerks away and her hand slaps against the door.
"Hey," I take off my seatbelt and turn toward her, taking both of her wrists into one of my hands, the way I do so often.
"I'm fine." She raises her chin slightly to prove her point but the moisture in her eyes tells another story. "You shouldn't be parked here, this is a busy highway."
"I don't give a shit about where I am parked." I tell her. "I'm fucked up, my head isn't right." I stumble for the words to make sense. "I am so sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that."
After a few moments she lowers her eyes to me, staring at my face, avoiding my eyes. "Tess, don't shut down again, please. I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I never even considered having kids anyway and here I am making you feel bad for this shit." The confession sounds even worse as the words fall between us.
"You're allowed to be upset too," she quietly responds. "I just needed you to say something, anything.." the last word is so low that it's barely audible.
"I don't care if you can't have kids." I blurt. Fucking hell. "I mean, I don't care about our kids that we can't have." I try to rub salve onto the wound I've created but her expression lets me know I'm doing the opposite.
"What I'm trying, and failing fucking miserably, to say is that I love you and I'm an insensitive prick for not being here for you just now. I put myself first, as always and I'm sorry." My words seem to pull her out of herself and she brings her eyes to mine.
"Thank you," she pulls one of her wrists from my hand and I hesitate to let her go but I'm relieved when she raises her hand to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry that you feel like I took something from you." She says. I can tell she has more to say.
"Don't hold back. I know you, say what you need to say."
"I hate the way you reacted." She huffs.
"I know I'm-" I'm interrupted by her hand in the air.
"I wasn't finished." Tessa clears her throat. "I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I was just like every other girl with her dolls, but more so. Being a mother was so important to me. I never, ever questioned or worried that I may not be able to be one."
"I know, I-"
"Please, let me talk." She grinds her teeth. I really should shut up, for once.
Instead of responding, I nod and stay silent. "I'm feeling this incredible loss right now and I don't have the energy to worry about you blaming me. It's okay for you to feel the loss too, I want you to always be open with how you feel, but you haven't had any dreams crushed here. You didn't want children until ten minutes ago and so I don't find it fair for you to be this way."
I wait a few seconds and raise a brow at her, asking for permission to speak. She nods. The loud horn of a semi truck blares through the air and Tessa nearly jumps out of the car.
"I'm going to drive back to Vance's but I would like to come in and be with you." I say. Tessa looks out of the window but I don't miss her small nod. "I mean in a comforting way like I should have been." I clarify. Just like her nod, I catch her rolling her eyes.
Tessa's POV.
Hardin and Vance share an awkward glance as we pass him in the hallway. It's strange, having Hardin here with me after everything that has happened. I can't ignore the effort and restrain he's showing by coming to this house, Vance's house.
It's hard to focus on just one of the problems lately. Hardin's behavior in London, Vance and Anne, my father's death, my fertility issues. It's too much and it seems never ending.
In a way, the relief of telling Hardin about the infertility is a huge relief, massive really, but there is always something else waiting to be revealed or thrown at one of us. New York is next.
I don't know if I should just say it now, now that we already have an issue between us. I hate the way Hardin reacted but I'm thankful for the remorse he showed after his callous dismissal of my feelings. If he wouldn't have pulled the car over and apologized, I don't think I could have found it in myself to speak to him again.
I can't count the times that I've said, thought, sworn, those words since I met him. I owe it to myself to think that I meant them this time.
"What are you thinking?" He asks, closing my bedroom door behind him.
Without thinking, I answer honestly, "that I wouldn't speak to you again."
"What?" He steps toward me and I back away from him.
"If you wouldn't have apologized, I wouldn't have anything to say to you."
"I know." He sighs, running his hand over his hair.
I can't stop thinking of what he said, "I didn't think so, but now that it's been taken away.."
I'm still in shock from it, I'm sure of it. I never expected to hear those words from him. It didn't seem possible that he would change his mind, then again, true the dysnfuction of our relationship, his mind was only changed after tragedy.
"Come here," Hardin's arms open to me and I hesitate. "Please, let me comfort you the way I should have. Let me talk to you and listen to you. I'm sorry."
Per my usual, I'm stepping into his arms. They feel different now, more solid, more real than before. He tightens his arms around my body, resting his cheek against the top of my head. His hair, too long on the sides now, tickles my skin and I feel him place kiss onto my hair.
"Tell me how you feel about all of this, tell me everything you haven't told me about it." He says, pulling me to sit next to him on the bed. I cross my legs and he leans his back against the headboard.
I tell him everything. I tell him about my first appointment to get on birth control, I tell him that I have known about the possibility of a problem since before we left for London. His jaw tenses when I tell him that I didn't want him to know and his fists clench when I tell him that I was afraid he would be happy. He stays quiet and nods along until I tell him that I was going to keep it from him, permanently.
"Why? Why would you that?" He pulls himself up on his elbows to move closer to me.
"I thought you would be happy and I didn't want to hear that." I shrug. "I would have rather kept it to myself than hear how relieved you were about it."
"If you would have told me before London, things could have gone differently."
I snap eyes to him. "Yeah, worse I'm sure." I say. I hope he isn't taking this where I think he will. He better not be attempting to blame the mess in London on me.
He seems to be thinking it over before speaking, another improvement on his part. "You're right. You know you are right." He admits.
"I'm glad I kept it to myself, especially before I knew for sure."
"I'm glad you told me before anyone else." He says, his eyes on mine.
"I told Kim." I admit. I feel slightly guilty that he had assumed he was the first person that I told but he wasn't there for me.
Hardin's brows knit together, "what do you mean you told Kim? When?"
"I told her a while ago,"
"So Kim knew and I didn't?"
"Yes." I nod.
"What about Landon? Does Landon know too? Karen? Vance?"
"Why would Vance know?" I snap at him. He's back to being ridiculous.
"Kimberly probably told him. Did you tell Landon too?"
"No, Hardin. Only Kimberly. I had to tell someone and I couldn't depend on you enough to tell you."
"Ouch," his tone is harsh and his frown overwhelming.
"It's true." I quietly say. "I know you don't want to hear it but it's true. You seem to forget that you didn't want anything to do with me until my father died."
I hate the way my stomach twists and turns when I think of that trip from hell.
Hardin's POV.
"I always wanted you, you know that. I just couldn't stop trying to ruin the only good thing in my life and I'm sorry for that. I know it's fucked up that it took me so long and I hate that it took your dad dying to get my ass in shape, but I'm here now and I love you more than ever and I don't care if we can't have babies. Marry me." I add to the end.
"Hardin, you can't just throw that around like that. Stop saying that." She glares at me.
"Fine, I'll buy you a ring first."
"Hardin," she warns, lips pressed together in a tight line.
"Fine." I roll my eyes at her and I think she wants to slap me. "I am so in love with you."
"Yeah, now you are."
"I've been in love with you for a long time."
"Sure you have." Tessa mumbles. How can she be so fucking cute and obnoxious at the same time?
"I loved you even when I was being a dumbass in London."
"You sure as hell didn't act like it."
"I know, I was high out of my mind." I pick at the annoying fraying fabric on my cast. How many more weeks until this thing is off? I can't remember.
"You let her wear your shirt after you had sex with her." Tessa looks away from me, focusing her eyes on the wall behind me.
What?
"What are you talking about?" I ask her, gently pressing my thumb under her chin to force her to look at me.
"That girl, Mark's sister. Janine, I think I heard someone say?"
"You think I fucked her?" I gape.
"Obviously you did. You practically waved the condom in front of my face," her voice is distant, hurt.
"I didn't fuck her, Tessa. Look at me," I try to convince her when she turns away again. "I know what it looked like,"
"She was wearing your shirt."
I hate the way she looked in my shirt but she simply wouldn't shut her damn mouth until I gave it to her.
"I know she was but I didn't fuck her. Are you that deluded that you think I would do that?" I ask her, my heart is racing at the idea that I've let her walk around for the last few weeks with this bullshit in her head.
"She was all over you, in front of me."
"She kissed me and tried to blow me but that's it." I ramble. Tessa makes a small noise and closes her eyes.
"I didn't even get hard for her, only for you." I try to make it better but she shakes her head and holds her hand up for me to stop.
"Stop talking about her, I'll get sick." She says and I know she means it.
"I got sick too, I threw up all over the place after she touched me." I tell her. The color in her face slowly returns.
"You what?"
"I literally vomited, as in I had to run to the bathroom because I got sick from her touching me. I couldn't bare it."
"You did?" Tessa asks and I wonder if I should be worried about the small smile tugging at the corners of her lips as I tell her about my vomit experience.
"Yes, I did. Don't look so happy about it." I smile at her, trying to lighten the mood.
"Good, I hope you were really sick." She says, a full smile now. We are the most fucked up couple.
Fucked up but perfect that is.
"I was. So fucking sick, I'm sorry that you thought that this whole time. No wonder you were so pissed at me." It sort of makes sense now, then again, she's always pissed at me lately.
"Now that you know I didn't fuck around on you, will you take me back and make an honest woman out of yourself?" I raise a sarcastic brow to her.
"You promised you would stop throwing that at me."
"I didn't promise. The word promise was never used." I clarify. She's going to slap me any minute. "Are you going to tell anyone else about the baby shit?" I change the subject, sort of.
"No," she pulls her lip between her teeth. "I don't think so. Not anytime soon."
"No one has to know until we adopt in a few years." I tell her.
She shakes her head and I know she thinks I'm insane. She's not wrong. "I'm sure there are loads of damn babies waiting for parents to buy them, we will be fine."
I know she hasn't accepted my offer of marriage, or even being in a relationship with me, but I hope she doesn't use this opportunity to remind me of that.
"Damn babies?" She softly laughs. "Please tell me you don't think there is a store somewhere downtown where you walk in and purchase a baby?" She lifts her hand to her mouth to stop herself from laughing at me.
"There isn't?" I joke. "What's Babies R' Us, then?"
"Oh my goodness!" She tilts her head back in laughter and I reach across the small space between us and grab ahold of her hand. "You are so odd."
"If that damn store isn't full of babies, lined up, ready for purchase, than I'm suing for false advertisement." I pull my best smirk out at her and she sighs, relieved to be laughing. I know this somehow, I know exactly what she's thinking.
"You need help," she pulls her hand out of mine and stands.
"I know I do." I agree and watch her smile fade. "Let's go back to Pullman."
"We just got here last night."
"Landon is leaving in a few days, don't you want to spend time there?" I remind her.
"Uhm, yeah. Let's go back to Pullman then."
Tessa falls asleep during the drive and doesn't wake up until the rain picks up, pounding against the roof of my car.
"You two travel across the state of Washington more than anyone else I know." Landon is sitting on the edge of the couch in my father's living room when we arrive in Pullman.
"You don't know many people so I don't know how relevant that is." I tease him. He glances at his mum sitting on the chair and I know he wants to say some smart-ass comment to me and if she wasn't sitting there, he sure as hell would.
"Ha-ha," his eyes roll and he opens his book on his lap while sliding down from the arm of the couch to the cushion.
"I'm glad you guys made it safe, the rain is heavy and only supposed to get worse by the end of the night." Karen's voice is soft as she smiles at me. I look away. "Dinner is already in the oven, it will be ready soon."
"I'm going to change," Tessa says from behind me. "Thank you for letting me stay here again," she adds before disappearing up the stairs. I stand at the bottom of the staircase for a few seconds before following her like a puppy.
She's dressed in only a bra and panties when I enter the room. "Good timing, I've got." I mumble when she looks up at me in the doorway.
She uses her hands to cover her chest, then moves them down to her hips and I can't help but smile. "It's a little late for that, don't you think?"
"Hush," she scolds me and pulls a dry shirt down over her wet hair.
"You know hushing isn't my strong point."
"And what is exactly?" She taunts me, shaking her hips as she pulls a pair of pants up to her stomach. Those pants.
"You haven't worn those in a while," I rub the stubble on my jaw and stare at the tight, black material that she seems to be poured into.
"Do not start on these pants." She waves a sassy finger at me, "you hid them from me, that's why I haven't worn them."
"Did not." I lie, wondering when she found them in our closet at that damn apartment. Looking at her ass in them, I remember why I hid them.
"They were in the closet."
The images of Tessa scrambling through that closet looking for those pants makes me laugh, until I remember something else in that closet that I didn't want her to find.
"What else, uhm, what else was in the closet?" I ask, hoping she won't flush or look away, or give me any indication that she found that damn box.
"Nothing," she pushes her feet into a pair of pink socks. Hideous, fuzzy things with polka dots covering the top of her feet. "Why? What else is in there?" She asks.
"Nothing." I lie, shrugging my paranoia off.
"Okay?" Tessa rolls her eyes in that rude little way she does.
I follow Tessa downstairs, again like a puppy and sit next to her at the massive dining room table. Sarah is here again, staring at Landon like he's some kind of brilliant jewel or something, weird she is.
"Hey Sophia," Tessa beams at the woman. She takes her eyes away from Landon only long enough to smile back at Tessa and wave to me.
"Sophia helped with the ham," Karen beams.
"Mhm, it's so good. The sauce is really good," Tessa moans around her fork.
These women and their damn food. "You would think you guys are talking about porn." I say, much too loud.
Tessa kicks my foot under the table and Karen covers her mouth with her hand and coughs with her mouth full of food. I'm surprised when Sarah laughs. Landon looks uncomfortable but his expression softens when he notices how hard Sarah is laughing.
"Who says that?" She giggles. Landon is pathetically staring at her and Tessa is smiling now.
"Hardin, Hardin says stuff like that." Karen smiles, humor in her eyes. This is weird.
"You'll get used to him." Landon briefly looks at me before focusing back on his new infatuation. "I mean, if you're around a lot. Not that you will be around a lot." His cheeks are bright red. "If you wanted to be, I mean. Not that you would want to be."
"She gets it." I put him out of his misery and he looks like he's going to piss himself.
"I do," she smiles at Landon and I swear his face turns from red to purple. Poor thing.
"Sophia, how long are you in town?" Tessa chimes in, changing the subject in a sweet way to help her friend.
"Only a few more days. I leave to go back to New York this coming Monday. My roommates are dying for me to get back" she answers.
"How many roommates do you have?" Tessa asks.
"Three, all dancers."
"Oh wow." Tessa smiles a forced smile. I laugh.
"Oh gosh! Ballet dancers, not strippers." Sarah bursts into laughter and I join her, only to laugh at Tessa's relief and embarrassed expression.
Tessa carries most of the conversation, asking random shit about the woman and I zone them both out, only focusing on the curve of Tessa's lips as she talks. I love the way she stops every few bites and rubs a napkin against her lips, even though she doesn't have anything on her face.
Dinner continues this way until I'm bored, nearly to death, and Landon's face is only a little red. "Hardin, have you decided on graduation, I know you declined to walk, but have you given it further thought?" Ken asks while Karen, Tessa, and Sarah clear the table.
"Nope, haven't changed my mind." I pick at my teeth with my fingernail. He keeps doing this, bringing this shit up in front of Tessa to bully me into walking across the stuffy auditorium where thousands of people will be crammed in bleachers, sweating profusely and howling like wild animals.
"You haven't?" Tessa interrupts. I look back and forth between Ken and Tessa. "I thought maybe you would reconsider?" She says, knowing exactly what she's doing. Landon is grinning like the asshole he is and Karen and Sarah are chatting away in the kitchen.
"I.." I begin. Fucking hell. Tessa's eyes are hopeful yet edgy, almost daring me to deny the idea. "Yeah sure, fine. I'll fucking walk for graduation." I huff, clearly annoyed. This is such bullshit.
"Thank you," Ken says. As I'm about to tell him that he's fucking welcome, I realize that he's thanking Tessa, not me.
"You two are so.." I am silenced by the warning in Tessa's expression. "You two are so wonderful." I say to them. You two are conniving little shits, I repeat in my head, over and over, as they share a smug grin.
(Hey guys!! I have some really amazing and exciting news for you guys this week so stay tuned for that! The first thing is an awesome new webpage that Wattpad designed for me it's www.wattpad.com/after you should check it out when you can because it's great and I can't stop staring at it. I can't wait to share the rest with you, I love you, all of you so much and I owe everything to you because of how supportive and active you are and the way you make edits and videos, and tweet me, and you are just so great and I've made so many friends, I love you guys! (I will stop before I cry hah)