Songs for this chapter are:
Syndicate- The Fray
Ungodly hour- The Fray
Treacherous - Taylor Swift
Through the Dark - One Direction
The silence is so loud, she's trying to stay quiet on her side of the car but I can hear her breathing, the way she's trying to control it, to control her emotions.
My chest is so fucking tight and she's just sitting there, letting my words stew in her mind. Why do I always do this shit to her?
I always say the wrong things no matter how many times I promise that I won't. No matter how many times I promise that I will change, I always do this.
I pull away and leave her to deal with the shit herself.
Not again. I can't do it again, she needs me more than ever and this is my chance to show her that I can be here the way she needs.
Tessa doesn't look over at me as I turn the wheel and park on the side of the highway. I turn my hazard lights on and hope that a damn cop doesn't come and start shit.
"Tess," I attempt to get her attention while I scramble through my thoughts. She doesn't look up from her hands in her lap. "Tessa, please look at me." I reach my hand across the console to touch her but she jerks away and her hand slaps against the door.
"Hey," I take off my seatbelt and turn toward her, taking both of her wrists into one of my hands, the way I do so often.
"I'm fine." She raises her chin slightly to prove her point but the moisture in her eyes tells another story. "You shouldn't be parked here, this is a busy highway."
"I don't give a shit about where I am parked." I tell her. "I'm fucked up, my head isn't right." I stumble for the words to make sense. "I am so sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like that."
After a few moments she lowers her eyes to me, staring at my face, avoiding my eyes. "Tess, don't shut down again, please. I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I never even considered having kids anyway and here I am making you feel bad for this shit." The confession sounds even worse as the words fall between us.
"You're allowed to be upset too," she quietly responds. "I just needed you to say something, anything.." the last word is so low that it's barely audible.
"I don't care if you can't have kids." I blurt. Fucking hell. "I mean, I don't care about our kids that we can't have." I try to rub salve onto the wound I've created but her expression lets me know I'm doing the opposite.
"What I'm trying, and failing fucking miserably, to say is that I love you and I'm an insensitive prick for not being here for you just now. I put myself first, as always and I'm sorry." My words seem to pull her out of herself and she brings her eyes to mine.
"Thank you," she pulls one of her wrists from my hand and I hesitate to let her go but I'm relieved when she raises her hand to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry that you feel like I took something from you." She says. I can tell she has more to say.
"Don't hold back. I know you, say what you need to say."
"I hate the way you reacted." She huffs.
"I know I'm-" I'm interrupted by her hand in the air.
"I wasn't finished." Tessa clears her throat. "I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember. I was just like every other girl with her dolls, but more so. Being a mother was so important to me. I never, ever questioned or worried that I may not be able to be one."