"I'm sure you can find somewhere to stay until Monday." I say to her. My mouth keeps saying shit that my mind doesn't want it to but it's like I have absolutely no control over it.
Obviously I don't want her to leave, I want to pull her into my arms and kiss her hair. I want to tell her that I will do anything for her, I will change for her and love her until I die. Instead, I turn on my heel and leave her standing alone.
I hear her rustling around the room and I know I should go in there and stop her from packing but what's the point really? She's leaving Monday anyway, she may as well leave now. I'm still astounded that she brought up trying a long distance relationship. It would never work, her being hours away from me, only calling once or twice a day, not sleeping in the same bed. I couldn't do it.
I'll be doing it regardless but at least if our relationship is terminated, I won't feel guilty for drinking and doing whatever the hell I choose. It's not even that I want to do anything else, I would rather sit on the couch and have her force me to watch Friends over and over than spend one minute doing something without her.
Minutes later she appears in the hallway dragging two suitcases behind her, her purse is slung over her shoulder and her face is pale.
"I don't think I forgot anything except some books but I'll just get new copies." She says in a low shaky voice.
This is it, this is the moment I have feared since the day I met this girl. She's leaving me and here I am doing nothing to stop her.
"Okay." She gulps and squares her shoulders. When she reaches the door, she raises her arm to grab her keys from the hook and her purse slides down her shoulder. I don't know what is wrong with me, I should stop her or help her but I can't.
"Well that's it then, all the fighting, the crying, the love making, the laughs, everything, it was all for nothing." She says softly, no anger appears in her tone.
I nod, unable to speak. If I speak I will make this one hundred times harder on the both of us, I know I will.
She shakes her head and opens the door, holding it open with her foot so she can drag the suitcases behind her.
"I will always love you, I hope you know that." She says so quietly that it's barely audible.
Stop talking Tessa, please.
"And someone else will too, hopefully as much as I do."
"Shh," I gently coax. I can't listen to this.
"You won't always be alone, I know I said that but if you just get some help or something, learn to control your anger you could find some.." She tries to assure me and I swallow the bile rising in my throat.
"Go, just go." I shut the door in her face and hear her sharp intake of breath on the other side of the wood. I just slammed the door in her face, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I begin to panic and let the pain course through me. I held it for so long, barely controlled, until she walked away. My fingers go to my hair, my knees hit the concrete floor and I simply don't know what to do with myself. I'm officially the world's largest fuck up and there is nothing I can do about it. It sounds so simple, just go to Seattle with her and live happily ever after, but it's not that damn simple. Everything will be different there, she will be busy with her internship and new classes, she will make new friends, experience new things and forget about me. She won't need me anymore.
For the first time I realize just how selfish I am. Make new friends? What is so bad about her making new friends and experiencing new things? I would be there, right next to her, experiencing them too. Why did I go to such lengths to keep her from Seattle instead of embracing this opportunity for her? That's all she wanted from me and I couldn't fucking deliver.