Songs for this chapter are:
It's time- Imagine Dragons
I can't remember the last time I attended a funeral. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I've never been to one. When my mum's mum died, I simply didn't feel like going. I had booze to drink and a party that I just couldn't miss. I never had the urge to say a final goodbye to a woman I barely knew. One thing I did know about the old woman was that she didn't care much for me anyway. She could barely stand my mum so why would I spend my time sitting in a pew, pretending to be upset about a death that in all reality, didn't affect me at all?
Yet here I sit years later in the back of a tiny church, mourning the death of Tessa's father. Tessa, Carol, Zayn, and what appears to be half the damn church are all sitting in the front row. Only me and an old woman, who I'm sure doesn't actually know where she is, sit in the lone pew against the back wall. Zayn is sitting on one side of Tessa and her mother on the other.
I don't regret calling him, well I do, but I can't ignore the flicker of life that has been revived since his arrival earlier today. She still doesn't look like my Tessa, but she is getting there and if that asshole is the key to that light, then so fucking be it.
I've done a lot of fucked up shit in my life, a lot. I know this, Tessa knows this, hell, everyone in this church probably fucking knows it, but I will make this right with Tessa. I don't give a fuck about making amends with any of the other shit from my past or present, I only care about fixing what was broken within her.
I broke her, she says she couldn't fix me, that she will never be able to, but my damage wasn't caused by her. I was healed by her and while she was healing me, I was splintering her beautiful soul into too many pieces. Essentially, I single handedly broke her, broke her fucking brilliant spirit, while selfishly being stitched back together. The most fucked up part of this massacre is that I didn't even realize just how much I was hurting her, just how much of her light I had dimmed. I knew it, I knew it all along but it didn't matter, it only mattered when I finally got it. When she denied me, once and for all, I got it. It hit me like a damn truck and I couldn't move out of the way even if I tried.
It took her father's death to make me see just how stupid my plan to save her from me actually was. If I had thought about it, really thought this mess through, I would have known how stupid it all was. She wanted me, Tessa has always loved me more than I deserve and how did I repay her? I pushed and pushed until she was finally done with my shit. Now she doesn't want me, she doesn't want to want me, and I have to find a way to remind her how much she loves me.
Now here I sit, watching as Zayn raises his arm around her shoulder and pulls her into his side. I can't even look away. I'm stuck staring at them. Maybe I'm punishing myself, maybe not, but either way, I can't stop staring at the way she leans into him and he whispers something in her ear. The way his thoughtful expression somehow calms her and she sighs, nodding once, and he smiles at her.
Someone slides in next to me, temporarily interrupting my self-torture.
"We're nearly late, why are you sitting back here?" Liam asks. My father.. Ken, sits down next to him while Karen takes it upon herself to walk to the front of the small church to approach Tessa.
"You may as well go up there too. The front row is only for people who Tessa can stand," I complain, glancing at the line of people in the front, from Carol to Noah, I can't stand any of them, even Tessa. I love her but I can't stand being so close to her while she's comforted by Zayn. He doesn't know her the way I do, he doesn't deserve to be sitting next to her right now.