Songs for this chapter are:
Near to you- A fine frenzy
She is- The Fray
Never say never- The Fray
Hardin's POV.
I've called forty-nine times.
Forty-nine fucking times.
Forty-nine.
Do you know how many rings that is?
A fucking lot.
Too many to count and I can't think clearly enough to count them but if I could, it would be a massive amount of fucking rings.
If I make it through the next three minutes, I plan on ripping the front door of the damn hinges and smashing Tessa's phone, that she apparently doesn't know how to answer, against the wall.
Okay, so maybe I shouldn't smash her phone against the wall. Maybe I'll accidently step on it a few times until the screen cracks under my weight.
Maybe.
She's going to get a god damn earful that's for fucking sure. I haven't heard from her in the last two hours and she has no fucking idea how torturous the last five have been. I sped here, going twenty over the limit, to make it here as fast as possible.
It's three in the damn morning and Tessa, Vance, and Kimberly are all on my shit list. Maybe I should smash all three of their phones since they obviously have forgotten how to answer the fucking things.
As I reach the gate, I begin to panic, even more than I already have been for the last five fucking hours. What if they decided to close their security gate? What If they changed the code?
Do I even remember the fucking code? Of course not. Will they answer when I call to ask the code? Of course not.
What if they aren't answering because something happened to Tessa and they took her to the hospital and she isn't okay and they don't have service and..
The gate is open when I reach the driveway and I'm a little annoyed by that too. Why wouldn't Tessa turn on the security system when she's here alone? As I drive up the winding road, I see that her car is the only car parked in front of the massive house.
Good to know that Vance is here when I need him.. Some fucking friend he is. Father, not friend. Fuck.
When I step out of my car and approach the door, my anger and anxiety grows. The way she was talking, the way she sounded.. it was like she wasn't in control of her own actions.
The door is unlocked, of course, and I make my way through the living room and down the hall. My hands are shaking when I push the door to her bedroom open and my chest tightens when I find her bed empty. It's not only empty, it's untouched, perfectly made and the corners are folded in in that way she does that's impossible to recreate. I've tried it, it's impossible to make a bed like Tessa can.
"Tessa!" I call her name as I walk into the bathroom across the hall. I keep my eyes closed as I turn the light on. Nothing.
My breath is released in a heavy pant and I move to the next room. Where the fuck is she?
"Tess!" I yell again, louder this time.
After searching nearly the entire fucking mansion, I can barely breathe. Where is she? The only rooms left are Vance's bedroom and a locked room upstairs. I'm not sure if I want to open that door..
I'll check the patio and yard and if she's not there, I have no fucking clue what I will do.
"Theresa! Where the hell are you? This isn't funny, I swear-" I stop yelling as I take in the curled up ball on the lounge chair. Her knees are tucked up to her stomach and her arms are wrapped around her chest as if she fell asleep while trying to hold herself together.
All of my anger is dissolved when I kneel down beside her. I push her blonde hair away from her face and will myself not to burst into fucking hysterics now that I know she's okay. Fuck, I was so worried about her.
With my pulse racing, I lean into her and run my thumb along her bottom lip. I don't know why I did that actually, it just sort of happened but I sure as hell don't regret it when her eyes flutter open and she groans.
"Why are you outside?" I ask, my voice loud and strained.
She winces, clearly put off by the volume of my words.
Why aren't you inside? I've been worried fucking sick for you, going over every possible scenario in my head for the last five hours, I want to say.
"Thank God you were asleep," comes out instead. "I've been calling you, I was worried about you."
"Hardin?" She sits up, holding her neck as if her head might fall off.
"Yes, Hardin." I clarify. She squints in the dark and rubs her neck. When she moves to stand, an empty bottle of wine falls to the concrete patio and cracks in half.
"Sorry," she apologizes, bending down to try and pick up the broken glass. I gently push her hand away and wrap my fingers around hers.
"Don't touch that. I'll get it later. Let's get inside."
"How'd you get here?" Tessa asks as I help her stand to her feet. Her words are beyond slurred and I don't even want to know how much she wine she drank after the line went dead. I saw at least four empty bottles in the kitchen.
"I drove, how else?"
"All the way here? What time is it?" My eyes follow down her body, her body that's covered in only a t-shirt. My t-shirt.
She notices my stare and begins to tug at the ends of the shirt to cover her bare thighs. "I only wear it-" she trails off, stuttering. "I'm only wearing it now, just once." She says, making little to no sense at all.
"It's fine, I want you to wear it. Let's get inside."
"I like it out here," she quietly says, staring off into the darkness.
"It's too cold. We are going inside," I reach for her hand but she pulls away. "If you want to sit out here, that's okay but I'm sitting with you." I redirect my demand.
She nods and leans against the railing, her knees are shaking and her face is colorless. "What happened tonight?" I ask.
She stays silent, still staring.
"Don't you ever feel like your life has turned into one big joke?" She turns to me.
"Daily." I shrug, unsure where the hell this conversation is going but hating the sadness behind her eyes. Even in the dark, the sadness burns low, blue and deep, haunting those bright eyes that I love so much.
"Well, me too."
"No, you are the positive one here. The happy one. I'm the cynical asshole, not you."
"It's exhausting being happy, you know?"
"Not really." I admit and take a step closer to her. "I'm not really the poster child for sunshine and happiness, in case you haven't noticed." I try to lighten up the mood and I'm granted with a half-drunk, half-amused smile.
I wish she would just tell me what is going on with her lately, I don't know how much I can do for her, but this is my fault, all of this is my fault. The unhappiness inside of her is my burden to bear, not hers.
She lifts her arm to rest it on the wooden plank in front of her but misses and stumbles, nearly smacking face first into the umbrella attached to a patio table.
"Could we go inside now? You need to sleep off all the wine you've had." I wrap my hand around her elbow to steady her and she begins to lean into me.
"I don't remember falling asleep."
"That's probably because you drank until you passed out." I point to the broken wine bottle a few feet away.
"Don't try and scold me." She snaps and backs away from me as I approach her.
"I'm not," my hands raise in innocence and I want to scream because of the irony of this whole fucking situation.
"I'm sorry," she sighs. "I can't think."
I watch as she lowers herself to the ground and brings her knees to her chest again. "Can I talk to you about something?" She raises her head to look up at me.
"Of course,"
"And you'll be completely honest?"
"I'll try."
She seems to be okay with that and I sit down on the edge of the chair closest to her on the ground. I'm slightly afraid of what she wants to talk about but I need to know what's going on with her so I wait with my mouth shut, for her to speak.
"Sometimes I feel like everyone else gets what I want," she mumbles, embarrassed. Tessa would feel guilty for saying the way she feels.. "It's not that I'm not happy for them," I can barely make out her words but I can see the tears gathering in her eyes from where I sit, only a few feet away.
For the life of me, I can't figure out what the hell she's talking about. Kimberly and Vance's engagement in the first thing that comes to mind.
"Is this about Kimberly and Vance?" I ask. "Because if it is, you shouldn't want what they have. He's a liar and a cheater and-" I stop before finishing the sentence.
"He loves her. So much though." Tessa slurs. Her fingers trace patterns against the concrete under her.
"I love you more." I say without thinking.
My words have the opposite effect than I hoped and Tessa whimpers. Literally whimpers, and wraps her arms around her knees.
"It's true. I do."
"You only love me sometimes." She says, her tone sounds as if it's the most true thing in the world. It's not, it couldn't be more false.
"Bullshit. You know that's not true."
"It feels that way." She whispers, looking toward the sea. I wish it was daylight so the view could possibly help soothe her, since I'm obviously not doing a good job at that.
"I know." I agree. It's true, I can admit it now.
"You'll love someone all the time, later."
What?
"What are you talking about?"
"The next time, you'll love her all the time."
In this moment, even if I think back to this exact moment fifty years from now, I know that I will remember the sharp pain that accompanied her words. The feeling is overwhelming and it's so obvious, never been more obvious, that she has given up on me. On us.
"There isn't a next time!" I can't help the way my voice is raising, the way my blood is burning just beneath the surface, threatening to rip me open right here on this damn patio.
"There is. I'm your Anne."
What is she going on about? I know she's drunk but what does my mum have to do with this?
"Your Anne. It's me. You'll have a Karen too and she can give you a baby." Tessa wipes under her eyes and I slide off the chair to kneel next to her on the ground.
"I don't know what you're saying but you're wrong." My arms wrap around her shoulders just as she begins to sob.
I can't make out her words but I hear "baby, Karen, Anne, Ken." Damn Kimberly for leaving the wine fridge open.
"I don't know what Karen or Anne or any other name you'll throw out there has to do with us." I tell her. She pushes against my shoulders but I tighten my grip on her.
She may not want me, but right now, she needs me. "You're Tessa and I'm Hardin. End of."
"Karen's pregnant." She sobs into my chest. "She's having a baby."
"So?" I move my cast covered hand up and down her back, unsure what to say or do with this version of Tessa.
"I went to the doctor." She cries and I freeze. Holy fucking shit.
"And?" I try not to panic.
She doesn't answer in an actual language. Her response comes out in some form of a drunken cry and I take a moment to try and think clearly. She's obviously not pregnant, if she was she wouldn't be drinking. I know Tessa and I know she would never, ever do something like that. She's obsessed with the idea of being a mother one day, she wouldn't endanger her unborn child.
She lets me hold her while she calms herself down.
"Would you want to?" Tessa asks, minutes later. Her body is still heaving in my arms but the tears have stopped.
"What?"
"Have a baby?" She rubs at her eyes and I flinch.
"Uhm, no." I shake my head. "I don't want a baby with you."
Her eyes close and she whimpers again. I replay the words in my head and realize how they sounded. "I didn't mean it like that. I just don't want kids, you know that." She sniffles and nods, still quiet.
"Your Karen can give you a baby." She says, her eyes still closed and leans her head against my chest.
I'm still as confused as ever. I draw a connection to Karen and my father, but I don't want to entertain the idea that Tessa thinks she's my beginning, not my ending.
"Alright, it's time for you to go to bed." I wrap my arms around her waist and lift her from the ground with me. She doesn't fight me this time.
"It's true. You said it once," she mumbles and wraps her thighs around my waist, making it easier to carry her through the sliding door and down the hallway.
"Said what?" I ask her.
"There can be no happy end to it." She quotes my previous words.
Fucking Hemingway and his negative outlook on life.
"That was a stupid thing for me to say. I didn't mean it." I promise her.
"What do you want to do? Ruin me?" She quotes the bastard again. Leave it to Tessa to quote shit while she's too drunk to stand.
"Shh, we can quote Hemingway when you're sober."
"All things truly wicked start from innocence," she says against my neck, arms tightening across my back as I push her bedroom door open.
I used to love that quote, as I never understood the meaning. I thought I did, but it's not until now, when I'm living the fucking meaning, that I actually get it.
I gently lay her on the bed and toss the pillows to the floor, leaving one for her head. "Scoot up," I softly command. She doesn't have her eyes open and I can tell she's close to sleep. Finally. I leave the light off, hoping she will sleep the rest of the night.
"Stayinggg?" She draws out the word and her eyebrows push together.
"Do you want me to stay? I can sleep in another room?" I offer, even though I don't want to. She's so off, so detached from herself that honestly, I'm almost afraid to leave her alone.
"Mhmm," she mumbles, reaching for the blanket. She tugs at the corner and huffs in frustration when she can't get the fabric loose enough to cover herself.
After I help cover her, I take my shoes off and climb into the bed with her. While I'm debating how much space to leave between our bodies, she wraps a bare thigh around my waist, pulling me closer.
I can breathe. Finally, I can fucking breathe.
"I was scared you weren't going to be okay," I admit into the silence of the dark room.
"Me too," she agrees in a broken voice.
I push my arm under her head and she shifts her hips, turning into me and tightening her leg around my body.
I don't know where to go from here, I don't know what I did to her that made her this way.
Yes, yes I do. I treated her like shit and took advantage of her kindness. I used up chance after chance, like the supply would never end. I took the trust she gave me and ripped it up like it meant nothing and threw it in her face every time I felt like I wasn't good enough for her.
If I would have just accepted her love from the beginning, accepted her trust and cherished the life she tried to breathe into me, she wouldn't be this way now. She wouldn't be laying next to me, drunk and upset, defeated and destroyed by me.
She fixed me, she glued the tiny fragments of my fucked up soul into something impossible, something almost attractive even. She made me into something, she made me normal almost, but with each drop of glue she used on me, she lost that drop of herself, and me being the piece of shit I am, didn't have anything to offer her.
Everything that I feared would happen, has happened and no matter how much I tried to prevent it, I see now that I made it worse. I changed her and ruined her, just the way I promised I would all those months ago.
It seems insane
"I'm sorry that I ruined you," I whisper into her hair as her breathing begins to show signs of sleep.
"Me too," she breathes and regret fills the space between us as she drifts off into sleep.
Tessa's POV.
Buzzing. That's all I can hear is constant buzzing and my head feels as if it will explode at any moment. And it's hot. Too hot. Hardin's weight is heavy, his cast is pressing down on my stomach and I have to pee.
Hardin.
I lift his arm and wiggle, literally, out from under his body. The first thing I do is grab his phone off of the nightstand to stop the buzzing. Text messages and calls from Christian fill the screen. I reply with a simple, "we are fine." and turn his phone to silent before walking to the bathroom.
My heart is heavy in my chest and the remnants of alcohol abuse are swimming through my veins. I shouldn't have had that much wine, I should have stopped after the first bottle. Or second. Or third.
I don't remember falling asleep and I can't remember how Hardin came to be here. A muddled memory of his voice through the phone surfaces but it's hard to make out and I'm not fully convinced it actually happened but he's here now, asleep in my bed so I suppose the details don't really matter anyway.
I lean my hip against the sink and turn on the cold water. I splash some across my face, like they do in the movies, but it doesn't have intended result. The cold water didn't wake me up, or clear my thoughts, it only made yesterday's mascara bleed even further down my face.
"Tessa?" Hardin's voice calls. I shut the faucet off and meet him in the hallway.
"Hey," I avoid his eyes on me.
"Why are you up? You just fell asleep two hours ago." He asks.
"I couldn't sleep, I guess." I shrug my shoulders, hating the awkward tension I feel in his presence.
"How are you feeling? You drank a lot last night."
I follow him back into the bedroom and close the door behind me. He sits on the edge of the bed and I climb back under the covers. I don't feel like facing the day just yet, that's okay though, the sun hasn't even decided to come out yet.
"I have a headache." I admit to him.
"I didn't mean psychically."
Dr. West's voice delivering bad news, the worst news, pushes through my aching head. Did I share the news with Hardin? Oh no, I hope not.
"What.. what did I say last night?" I tread lightly.
He exhales and runs his hand through his hair, "you were going on about Karen and my mum. I don't even want to know what that meant." He grimaces and I assume it matches my own expression.
"Is that all?" I ask, hoping it is.
"Basically. Oh, and you were quoting Hemingway." He smiles a little and I'm reminded just how charming he can be.
"I wasn't." I cover my face with my hands.
"You were," a soft laugh falls from his lips and I peek through my hands to look at him as he adds, "you were also saying that you accept my apology and you will give me another chance." His eyes meet mine through my fingers and I can't seem to look away. He's good. Really good.
"Liar," I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry. Here we are again, in the middle of our same old, back and forth, push and pull. I can't ignore that it feels different this time, but I also know that I can't be trusted to judge this, it always seemed to feel different each time he made a promise that he couldn't keep.
"Do you want to talk about what happened last night? Because I hated seeing you that way. You weren't yourself."
"I'm fine."
"You were plastered. You drank yourself to sleep outside on the patio and there are empty bottles across the entire house."
"It's not fun finding someone that way, huh?" I ask, feeling like a jerk as soon as the words are out.
"No," his shoulders drop. "It's really not."
I'm reminded of the nights and sometimes even the days, when I found Hardin drunk. Drunk Hardin always brought along broken lamps, holes in walls, and nasty words that were sure to cut deep.
"That won't ever happen again." He answers my thoughts.
"I wasn't-" I begin to lie but he knows me too well.
"Yes you were. It's okay, I deserve it."
"Either way, it wouldn't be fair of me to throw it in your face." I tell him. I need to learn to forgive Hardin or neither of us will ever have peace in our lives after this.
He lifts his phone from the nightstand and presses it to his ear. I close my eyes to relieve some of the throbbing as he curses Christian out on the line. I wave my hand, trying to get him to stop, but he ignores me, rushing to tell Christian what an asshole he is.
"Well, you should have fucking answered. If something would have happened to her I would have held you fucking responsible." He growls into the phone and I try to block his voice out.
I'm fine, I drank a little too much because I had a bad day, but I'm fine now. What's the harm in that?
When he hangs up, I feel the mattress dip next to me and he pushes my hand away from my eyes. "He says he's sorry for not coming home to check on you." He says, inches from my face. I can see the stubble across his jaw and chin. I don't know if it's because I'm still a little intoxicated, or just plain crazy, I reach up and run my finger across the line of his jaw. My action surprises him and his eyes glaze over, almost crossing, as I caress his skin.
"What are we doing?" He asks me, leaning even closer.
"I don't know," I answer with the only truth that I know. I have no clue what we are doing, what I am doing, when it comes to Hardin. I never have.
Inside, I'm sad and hurt and I feel betrayed by my own body and the essential standing of karma and life in general, but on the surface, I know that Hardin can make it all go away. Even if only temporary, he can make me forget all of the worries, he can clear all of the chaos from my mind, the way I used to do for him.
Now I get it. I get what he meant when he said he needed me all of those times. I get why he used me the way he did.
"I don't want to use you," I tell him.
"What?" He's confused by outburst, so am I.
"I want you to make me forget everything, but I don't want to use you. I want to be close to you right now, but I haven't changed my mind about the rest." I ramble, hoping he will understand what I don't know how to say.
He leans up on one elbow and looks down at me, "I don't care how or why, but if you want me in anyway, you don't need to explain. I'm already yours." His lips are so close to mine and I could so easily just lift my head slightly to touch them.
"I'm sorry," I turn my head. I can't use him like this way, but mostly I can't pretend that that's all it would be. It wouldn't just be a physical distraction from my problems, it would be more, much more. I love him still, even though I sometimes wish I didn't. I wish I was stronger and that I could brush this off as a simple distraction, no feelings, no wanting more, only sex.
But my heart and conscious won't allow it. As hurt as I am by my ideal future being ripped away from me, I can't use him this way, especially now that he seems to be making such an effort.
While I'm battling myself, he rolls his body onto mine and collects both of my wrists into one of his hands. "What are you-" I start to ask as he lifts my hands above my head.
"I know what you are thinking," he presses his lips to my neck and my body takes over, my neck rolls to the side, giving him easier access to the sensitive skin there.
"It's not fair to you," I gasp when his teeth pull at the skin just under my ear. He releases his grip on my wrists, only long enough to pull my t-shirt over my head and toss it onto the floor.
"This isn't fair, you even allowing me to touch you after all I've done isn't fair to you, but I want it. I want you, I always want you and I know you're fighting it, but you want me to distract you. Let me." He pushes his weight onto me, his hips pinning me to the mattress in a dominating and demanding way that has my head swimming, with more than what's left of last night's wine.
"Don't think about me, only think about you and what you want." His knee slides between my thighs and he opens them.
"Okay," I nod, moaning when his knee rubs between my legs.
"I love you, don't ever feel bad about letting me show you that." He speaks such soft words but his hands are rough as one of them keeps both of my hands pinned to the bed and the other pushes into my panties.
"So wet," he groans, moving his finger up and down the moisture there. I try to hold still as he brings his finger to my mouth, pushing it past my lips. "So sweet, isn't it?" He doesn't allow me to respond before he frees my hands and positions his head between my legs.
His tongue swipes across me and I push my fingers into his hair. With each stroke of his tongue across my clit, I am lost in this place with him. I'm no longer clouded by darkness, I'm no longer pissed off, I'm not focusing on regrets and mistakes.
I'm only focused on my body and his. I'm focused on the way he groans against me when I pull his hair. I'm focused on the way my nails leave angry little lines across his shoulder blades as he pushes two fingers inside of me, I can only focus on the fact that he touches me, every part of me, inside and out, in a way that no one else could ever could.
I focus on the sharp intake of his breath as I beg him to turn around and let me please him while he pleases me, the way he pushes his jeans to the floor and nearly rips his shirt off in his hurry to touch me again. I focus on the way he lifts me on top of him, my face opposite of his. I focus on the way we've never done this before, but I love the way he moans my name when I take him into my mouth.
I focus on the way his fingers dig into my hips as he licks me and I suck him. I focus on the way I can feel the pressure building inside of me, and I focus on the dirty things he's saying to bring me over the edge.
I come first, followed by him filling my mouth and I nearly collapse from the relief that my body feels after my release. I try not to focus on the way I don't feel guilty for allowing his touch as a distraction from my pain.
"Thank you," I breathe into his chest when he pulls me to lay across him.
"No, thank you." He smiles down at me and presses a kiss to my bare shoulder. "Are you going to tell me what's been bothering you?"
"No." I trace my fingertip over the black ink on his chest.
"Fine, will you marry me?" He asks, his body moving with soft laughter underneath me.
"No." I swat at him, hoping he's only teasing.
"Fine. Will you move in with me?"
"No." I move my finger to another group of tattoos, tracing the wings of the bird drawn there.
"I'll take that as a maybe." He chuckles, wrapping his arm around my back. "Will you let me take you to dinner tonight?"
"No." I answer too quickly.
"I'll take that as a yes." He laughs. His laughter is cut short when the sound of the front door opening sounds through the house and voices fill the hall.
'Shit." We both say at the same time. He looks up at me, puzzled by my language and I shrug at him before digging through my drawers to get dressed.
(Hey guys! We only have 13 chapters left!! Eek! How did it go so fast?!! Thank you for always reading and commenting and voting! You guys are the best ever!! I love you so much!! I'll be updating Wed or Thursday! I hope you all are having a good Monday!! xo)