Songs for this chapter are:
Over my head- The Fray
1,0000 years - Liza Anne
Something great- One Direction
Cool my heart- Hanna Baummann
Tessa's POV.
The drive was just about as terrible as I had anticipated. The road never seemed to want to end, each yellow line was one of his smiles, one of his scowls. Every endless line of traffic seemed to be mocking every mistake I've made and each car on the road was yet another stranger, another person with their own problems. I felt alone, too alone, in my small car as I drove further and further from where I wanted to be.
Am I foolish to even fight this? Could I possibly be strong enough to fight the current this time? Do I even want to?
What are the chances that this time, out of the what feels like hundreds of times, what makes this time so different? Is he just using the words I've always wanted to hear out of desperation because he knows how detached I've become?
My head feels like a one thousand page novel full of deep thoughts, mindless chatter, and a bunch of crap questions that I don't know the answer to.
When I pulled up in front of Kimberly and Christian's house only minutes ago, the tension in my shoulders was nearly unbearable. I could literally feel the muscles underneath my skin tightening to the point of snapping and as I stand in the living room now, waiting for Kimberly to join Smith and I, that tension continues to grow.
"She said she will be down when she's done rubbing my dad's leg." Smith crinkles his nose in disgust.
I can't help but laugh at the dimpled little boy, "Okay. Thank you." I tell him. He sits down on the edge of the couch without a word.
He focuses on the gadget in his hand and I focus on him. Hardin's little brother. It's such a weird idea that this adorable little boy who seems to dislike me for some reason, has been Hardin's biological brother all along. It makes sense in a way, he was always so curious about Hardin and seemed to enjoy his company when most people don't.
"Where's your Hardin?" He asks me, catching me staring at him. Your Hardin. It feels like every single time he asks that question my Hardin is far away. Further than ever, this time.
"He's-" I begin as Kimberly enters the room, barreling toward me with outstretched arms. She would be wearing heels and makeup. I suppose the outside world is still revolving even though mine has stopped.
"Tessa!" She screeches, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and squeezing so tight that I let out a cough.
"Gah! It's been too long!" She squeezes one more time before pulling back and dragging me by the arm into the kitchen.
"How is everything?" I ask her and climb up the same stool I always seem to sit at. She stands in front of the breakfast bar and runs her hands through her short blonde hair, pulling it back and tying it into a messy bun on top of her head.
"Well, we all survived that damned trip to London. Barely, but we did." She grimaces and I do the same.
"How is Mr.Vance's leg?"
"Mr Vance?" She laughs. "No more of that. I'd say you can go ahead and say Christian, or Vance." She laughs. "His leg is healing, luckily the fire mostly caught his clothes, not skin." A frown takes over her face and a shiver rakes her shoulders.
"How are you? I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I should have called you more. I've just been busy and trying to figure all this out." Kimberly reaches across the granite and places her hand over mine.
"No, no. Don't apologize. You've had so much going on. I haven't been the best company anyway. I've been going out of my mind, literally." I try to laugh but even I catch how false and dry the awkward noise came out.
"I can tell," she eyes me sarcastically. "What's with this?" Her hands wave in front of me and I look down at my sloppy sweatshirt and dirty jeans.
"I don't know, it's been a long two weeks." I shrug and tuck my un-brushed hair behind my ears.
"You're obviously going through a funk again. Hardin did something again? Or is it the same as from London?" Kimberly raises an arched brow, reminding me of how overgrown mine must be. Plucking and waxing have been the furthest thing on my mind but Kimberly is one of those women that make you want to be pretty all the time, like she is.
"Not exactly. Well, he just did what he always does but I finally told him we are done," I can see the skepticism in her blue eyes. "I mean it. I'm thinking of moving to New York."
"New York? What the hell? With Hardin?" Her mouth falls open. "Oh never mind, you just told me you broke up." She smacks her hand to her forehead in a dramatic display.
"With Landon, he's going to NYU and he asked me to come along. I'm going to take a semester off and hopefully I'll be able to get in next semester."
"Wow, I need a minute." She laughs.
"It's a big change. I know. It's just that I.. well, I need to get away from here and Landon is already going and I really need this." It is insane, completely insane, to just move across the country and Kimberly's reaction proves that.
"You don't have to explain to me. I think it's a really good idea, I'm just surprised. You, moving across the country without a schedule or taking a year to plan." Kim doesn't even try to control her smirk.
"It's stupid right? Isn't it?" I ask, unsure of what I'm hoping to hear.
"No! Since when are you so unsure about yourself? Girl, I know you've been through a lot of shit but you need to get it together. You're young, brilliant, and beautiful. Life is not that bad! Hell, try cleaning the burn wounds of your fiancé after he just cheated on you with his "long lost love" and having to baby him while you really just want to choke him out." She curls her fingers into air quotes and rolls her eyes.
I don't know if she meant to be funny, but I have to bite my tongue to stop from laughing at the picture she created in my head.
"Seriously, it's okay to be sad but if you let sadness control your life, you'll never have one." Her words hit me somewhere between my selfish whining and my nerves over moving to New York without a solid plan.
She's right, I've been through a lot in the last year but what good will it do to be this way? To feel the sadness and sting of loss at every thought? As much as I loved the ease of feeling nothing, I didn't feel like myself. I felt myself slipping with each negative thought and I was beginning to fear that I would never be myself again. I'm still not now, but maybe one day?
"I know you are right, I just don't know how to stop. I'm just so mad all the time." I ball my fists and she nods, "or sad. There's a lot of sad, and pain. I don't know how to separate it and now it's eating away at me, taking over my mind."
"Well, it's not as easy as I just tried to make it sound but first of all, you need to get excited. You are moving to New York, girl! Act like it. If you go around moping up the streets of New York City, you'll never make any friends." She smiles, softening her words.
"And what if I can't? Like, what if I just always feel this way?"
"Then you'll always feel that way. That's that, but you can't think that way. I've learned in my years, not too many years though," she grins, "I've learned that shit happens and you move on. It sucks, and trust me, I know this is about Hardin. It's always about Hardin, but you need to accept the fact that he won't give you what you want and need, and try your best to pretend you are moving on. If you can fool him and everyone else, you will eventually believe it too."
"Do you think I could? You know, ever really get over him?" I ask her, twisting my fingers in my lap.
"I'll go ahead and lie to you because it's what you need to hear right now." Kimberly walks over to the cabinet and pulls out two wine glasses. "You need to hear a lot of bullshit and praises now, there is always time to face the truth later, but for now," she rummages through the drawer just below the sink and pulls out a wine opener.
"Now, we drink wine and I'll tell you all kinds of breakup stories that will make yours seem like child's play."
"The horror movie?" I ask, knowing she meant the opposite.
"No, smart ass. I'm talking, I know women who were married for years and their husbands banged their sisters. That kind of crazy shit will make you realize you don't have it that bad." A glass full of white wine is placed in front of me and just as I am about to object, Kimberly raises it and presses it to my lips.
A bottle and a half later, I am laughing and leaning on the counter for support. Kimberly has gone through her list of crazy relationships and I've finally stopped checking my phone every ten seconds. Hardin doesn't have my phone number anyway, I keep reminding myself.
This is Hardin we are talking about, if he wants the number, he will find a way to get it. My pesky subconsiuos reminds me. I can't stop thinking about his talk with Ken. How did it go? Is he okay? Should I have waited to make sure he was okay before I left?
Some of the stories Kimberly has told in the last hour seem too crazy to be true. I'm convinced that the wine has made her add some details to each. There is no way a woman caught her husband sleeping with her sister, then her mother, then their divorce attorney. There is no possible way that she chased him around the law office, hurling her heels at his head while he ran, pant-less, through the halls.
I'm laughing, really laughing now and Kimberly is holding her stomach, claiming that she saw the man a few days later, with the imprint of his soon-to-be ex-wife's high heel glowing in the middle of his forehead.
"I'm not even joking! It was a mess! The best part of this entire story is that they are remarried now!" She smacks her hand against the counter and I shake my head at the volume of her voice now that's she's drunk. I'm happy to see that Smith has left the loud, wine drinking women, alone and I have forgotten that Mr. Vance.. Christian lives here at all.
"Men are assholes. Every single one of them," she raises her freshly refilled glass to my empty one. "But truth be told, women are assholes too so the only way for it to work is if you find an asshole you can deal with. One that makes you a little less of an asshole."
Christian chooses this moment to wheel himself into the kitchen. "All this talk about assholes is traveling down the hallway." He smiles at his fiancé and she squirms in the way she always does when he looks at her like that. I'm surprised by this. I knew she was in the process of forgiving him, I just didn't know it was such a done deal or that she could look so happy doing it.
"Sorry," she smiles down at him and he reaches for her hips, pulling her onto his lap in the chair. He winces when her thigh touches his injured leg and she quickly adjusts herself on the opposite leg.
"It looks worse than it is." He tells me when he notices me staring back and forth between the metal chair and the burned flesh on his leg.
"It's true. He's really milking this whole thing." She teases, poking the dimple on his left cheek. I look away.
"You're here alone?" Vance asks, ignoring the glare Kimberly sends him when he bites at her finger. I can't stop watching them even though I know I won't be in their position any time soon, if ever.
"Yeah. Hardin is back in Pullman at his--" I stop to correct myself, "at Ken's."
Christian looks disappointed and Kimberly has stopped her glaring and the hole inside of me that has been covered for the last hour is starting to show itself at the mention of Hardin's name out loud.
"How is he? I really wish he would answer my calls, the asshole." Christian mutters and I blame the wine as I prepare to snap at him.
"He has a lot going on right now." The bite in my tone is evident and I instantly feel like a jerk. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound that way, I just know he is going through a lot right now. I don't mean to be rude."
I choose to ignore the smirk covering Kimberly's face as I defend Hardin.
He shakes his head and laughs, "it's fine. I deserve it all. I know he is, I just want to talk to him but I know he will come around when he's ready. I'll leave you ladies to it, I just wanted to see what all the laughing and screeching was about."
With that, he kisses Kimberly, swiftly but tenderly and he wheels himself out of the room. I hold my glass out, asking for a refill. Again.
"Wait, so that means you won't be working with me anymore? You can't leave me with those bitchy women! You're the only one I can stand, aside from Trevor's new girlfriend."
"Trevor has a girlfriend?" I ask, sipping the cool wine. Kimberly was right, the wine and laughter is helping. I can feel myself peering out of this shell, trying to come back to life, with each joke and absurd story, I'm finding it a little easier.
"Yes! The redhead! You know, the one who runs our social media?"
I try to place the woman but I can't see past the wine dancing in my mind. "I don't know her. How long have they been dating?"
"Only a few weeks. Get this though," Kimberly's eyes light up at her favorite thing. Office gossip. "Christian heard them together."
I take another drink of wine, waiting for her to explain.
"As in together, together. As in, they were banging in his office! And what's even crazier is that the things he heard," she stops to laugh. "They were kinky. I'm talking, Trevor is a total badass in bed. There was spanking, some kinky name-calling, all that."
I burst into laughter like a giddy school girl. A school girl who has consumed too much wine. "No way!" I can't imagine sweet Trevor spanking anyone. The image along makes me laugh harder and I shake my head trying not to think too much into it. Trevor is handsome, very handsome, but he's just so well mannered and sweet.
"I swear! Christian was convinced he had her like tied to the desk or something because when he saw him next, he was detaching something the corners of his desk!" She waves her hands through the air and a burst of cold wine shoots from my nose. After this glass, I'm cutting myself off. Where is Hardin, the alcohol authority, when I need him?
Hardin.
My heart begins to race and my laughter is quickly derailed until Kimberly adds another dirty detail to the story.
"I can't believe it. He's so sweet and gentle. He couldn't possibly tie a woman to his desk and have his way with her!" I add. I just can't picture it. My traitorous, and wine controlled mind starts imagining Hardin and a desk and ties and spanking.
"Who has sex in their office anyway? My god, those walls are paper thin." Kimberly says and I feel my mouth fall open. Real images, memories of Hardin bending me over my desk flash through my mind and my already heated skin flushes and burns.
Kimberly shoots me a knowing smile and tilts her head back, "I guess the same people who have sex in people's home gyms." She accuses with a giggle. I ignore her, despite the burning embarrassment I feel.
"Back to Trevor," I say, hiding as much of my face behind my glass as I can mange.
"I knew he would be a freak. Men who wears suits every day are always freaks." She concludes.
"Only in erotic novels." I counter, thinking of a book I've been planning to read but haven't gotten around to yet.
"Those stories have to come from somewhere, don't they?" She winks at me. "I keep walking by Trevor's office hoping to hear him nailing her but I haven't caught them yet." The ridiculousness of this entire night has made me feel light in a way I haven't felt in so long. I try to grasp this feeling and hold it as tightly to my chest as I can, I don't want it to slip away.
"Who knew Trevor was such a freak, yeah?" She wiggles her eyebrows and I shake my head.
"Fucking Trevor." I say and wait in silence as Kimberly bursts into loud laughter.
"Fucking Trevor!" She screeches and I join her, thinking of the source of the nickname as we take turns repeating it in our best impression of it's creator.
Hardin's POV.
This day has been long. Too damn long, and I'm ready to sleep. After the heart-to-heart with Ken, I'm worn out. That, followed by Sarah, Sonya, whatever the hell her name is, and Landon eye-fucking across the dinner table, has bored me to death.
I miss Tessa and I was pissed when I found that she left without telling me.
Let me rephrase, she left without me knowing. She doesn't have to tell me shit.
Even though I want her to, I can't say that out loud.
I played nice, the way I promised Tessa I could, and ate my dinner in silence as Karen and my dad, or whoever he is, watched me with caution, waiting for me to explode or ruin their dinner somehow but I didn't.
I kept quiet and chewed each bite, I even kept my elbows off of the ugly ass table cover-thing that Karen thinks adds Spring color or some shit, but it doesn't. It's hideous and someone should burn it when she's not looking.
I felt a little better, awkward as fuck, but a little better after talking with my dad. I find it amusing that I keep calling him my dad now but as a teen, I could barely speak his name without scowling or wishing he hadn't left, just so I could punch him. Now that I understand, well somewhat understand, how he felt and why he did what he did, I can finally let go of some of the anger I held inside of myself for so long.
It was weird though, feeling all of that slip from my body. I've heard it explained in novels, forgiveness they call it, but I've never felt it until tonight. I'm not quite convinced that I like the feeling but I'll admit it helps distract me from the constant ache of missing Tessa. Sort of.
I feel better, happier? I don't know, but I can't stop thinking of the future now. A future where Tessa and I shop for carpet or whatever married people do. The only married people I know who can tolerate one another are Ken and Karen and I have no clue what they do together. Aside from making babies in their forties. I immaturely cringe at the thought and pretend that I wasn't just thinking about their sex life.
Thinking of the future is much more fun that I ever imagined. I never expected anything from the future, or the present, I always knew I would be alone so I didn't bother entertaining stupid plans or wishes. Up until eight months ago, I didn't know there could be someone like Tessa. I had no clue that there was this obnoxious blonde walking around, waiting to turn my entire life upside down by driving me absolutely insane and making me love her more than I love breathing.
Hell, if I had known she was out there, I wouldn't have wasted my time fucking every chick that I could. I wasn't running on anything before, there was no driving force with gray eyes helping me, guiding me through my fucked up life, so I made too many mistakes and now I have to work harder than most at trying to right those wrongs.
If I could take it back, I wouldn't have touched another girl. Not one. And if I would have known just how good touching Tessa would be, I would have been preparing myself, counting down the days until she barged into my room at that frat house, touching my shit, when I already told her not to.
The only thing that's keeping me remotely in control of myself is the hope that she will come around. She will see that this time, I'm not going to take my words back and this time, I will marry her ass, even if I have to drag her down the aisle.
This is another one of our problems, these thoughts. As much as I'll deny them to her face, I can't help but smile now, at the vision of her in a white dress, scowling and yelling at me, as I literally drag her by her feet down a carpeted aisle while some bullshit song is played on a harp or some other instrument that no one uses outside of weddings and funerals.
If I had her number, I would text her just to make sure she's okay. She doesn't want me to have her number though, I could tell and it took a lot of control not to snatch Landon's phone from his pocket and steal Tessa's number after dinner.
I'm laying in this bed, in Pullman, when I should be driving to Seattle. Should be, could be, need to be, but can't. I need to give her a little space or she will pull further away from me. I hold my phone up in the dark and scroll through the pictures of her in my roll. If scrolling through images of memories is all I will have for a while, I'm going to need more pictures. Seven-hundred and twenty-two isn't enough.
Instead of continuing to be an obsessive stalker, I climb out of bed and pull some pants on. I don't think Landon or pregnant Karen would appreciate seeing me naked. Well, maybe they would. I smile at my thoughts and take a moment to come up with my plan. Landon will be stubborn, I know it, but he's easy to break. He will be shouting her number by the second joke I crack about his new crush that he profusely denies like a child in grade school.
I knock twice, giving him fair warning, before pushing the door open. He's asleep, laying on his back with a book on his chest. Fucking Hardin Potter. Should have known. As a sign from above, his phone screen lights up on the table and I reach for it. Tessa's name and the beginning of a text show. I circle my neck, trying not to allow the jealousy to take over.
Why is she texting him so late?
I try to guess his passcode but he's harder to read than Tessa. Hers was so obvious and comical really, I knew that like me, she would be afraid to forget the thing and choose 1,2,3,4. That's our password for everything. PIN numbers, pay per view code on our cable box, anything that requires numbers, that's what we always use.
See, we are practically fucking married anyway.
"Wake up, dickhead." I smack Landon with a pillow from his bed and he groans.
"Go away,"
"I need Tessa's number." Smack.
"No."
Smack. Smack. Harder smack.
"Ugh!" He whines, sitting up. "Fine. I'll give you the number." He reaches for his phone and I place it in his hand while watching the numbers he presses, just in case I need it in the future.
He hands me the phone after unlocking it and I thank him after typing her number in my phone. The relief I feel as I press Save, is pathetic but I don't care. I smack him again with the pillow, just for good measure, and leave the room.
I think I hear him cussing at me until I close the door, laughing. I could get used to this feeling, this.. hope like feeling as I type in a simple goodnight text to her and wait anxiously for her to reply. Everything seems to be getting better for me, finally, and the last step is Tessa's forgiveness. I just need a sliver of the hope she has always had for me, to return.
*Harrry?"* The message reads. Fuck, I was beginning to think she was going to ignore me.
*No, not Harrry. Just Hardin.* I decide to start the conversation with teasing even though I want to beg her to come back from Seattle, or not to freak out if I show up there in the middle of the night.
*Sorry, I can't type on this keyboard. It's too touchy.* I can picture her laying in her bed in Seattle, squinting and frowning as she uses her index finger to tap each letter.
*Yeah, iPhone's huh? Your old keyboard was massive so I can see why you are having a problem.*
She responds with a smiley face and I'm impressed and amused by her use of the emjois. I fucking hate them and have always refused to use them but here I am, rushing to download the shit so I can respond with a matching smiley face.
*Are you there?* She asks just as I send a matching face.
*Yeah, why are you up so late. I saw that you text Landon.* I shouldn't have sent that.
A few seconds pass and she sends an image of a tiny wine glass. I should have known, she was hanging out with Kim after all.
*Wine, huh?* I send, accompanied by something that looks like a surprised face, I think. Why are there so many of these damn things? When would anyone ever need to send a picture of a tiger for fuck's sake?
Being curious and a little high off the attention she's giving me, I send the damn tiger and laugh to myself when she responds with a camel. I laugh each time she sends me a stupid little image that no one could possibly have a use for.
I love that she caught on, that she knew I sent the tiger because it literally makes no damn sense, and now we are playing a "send the most random emoji" game and I'm laying here in the dark, alone, laughing so hard that my stomach actually hurts.
*I ran out* she says after more than five minutes of back and forth.
*Me too. Are you tired?*
*Yes, I drank too much wine.*
*Did you have fun?* I'm surprised when I want her to say yes, that she did have a good time, even though I wasn't a part of her night.
*Yes, I did. Are you okay? I hope everything went well with your father.*
*It did, maybe we can talk about it when I get to Seattle?* I accompany my pushy message with a heart and the picture of what looks like a skyscraper.
*Maybe*
*I'm sorry I was such a shitty boyfriend. You deserve better than me but I love you.* I send the message before I can stop myself. It's true and I just can't help saying it now. I've made the mistake of keeping my feelings for her inside and that's why she's so quick to doubt my promises now.
*Too much wine in my brain for this conversatoine. Christian heard Trevor having sex in his office.* I roll my eyes at his name on my screen. Fucking Trevor.
*Fucking Trevor.*
*That's whatf I said. I otld Kim that sain things.*
*Too many typos to read. Go to sleep, text me tomorrow.* I send, then start a new message. *Please. Please text me tomorrow.*
A smile creeps across my face when she sends a picture of a cellphone, a sleepy face, and that damn tiger.
(After 3 reached 245 million reads!! That's insane! I love you all so much! I know I say that a lot but trust me, I'd say it more if I wasn't afraid of being annoying lol! How was your weekend? Mine was busy, I went through my entire house "spring cleaning" and ended up getting rid of over half of my stuff! lol. Anyway, thanks again for being so supportive and always reading and voting (some of you that vote) ily all! I'm going to bed now, goodnight! xo)