Songs for this chapter are:
Chariot - Gavin Degraw
Demons - Imagine dragons ( I use this song a lot but it's like After Hardin's anthem)
Use Somebody- Kings of Leon
Tessa's POV.
I know it's hard to wrap your head around but I think-" I offer. I am caught between wanting to comfort him and the need to protect myself.
"I'm fine. I need a shower." Hardin interrupts me. I sit up, trying to pull the blanket with me to cover my naked body.
"I'm here if you want to talk about it. I wanted to be the one to tell you about all of this." I offer, trying to hide the sting in my chest caused by his withdraw. Here I am, here we are, in this endless loop of happiness, lust, passion, overwhelming love, and pain. The pain seems to win, it always wins and I'm tired of fighting.
I watch, forcing myself not to care, as he pulls his shorts up his legs and crosses the room. The moment the door closes, I smack my hands to my forehead and rub at my temples. What is wrong with me that I can't seem to see anything but him? Why did I wake up this morning ready to face life without him, only to find myself in his bed hours later?
I hate that he has this power over me but for the life of me I can't stop it. I can't blame him for my weakness, but if I was going to I would have to argue that he makes it difficult to see the clear lines of right and wrong. When he smiles at me, those lines blur and mix and it's literally impossible to fight the pull that I feel when I'm near him.
He makes me laugh just as often as he makes me cry and he makes me feel when I was convinced that my fate was the nothing. I fully believed that I would never feel anything again but Hardin pulled me out of that, he grabbed my hand when no one else seemed to care enough to do so, and he pulled me up onto the surface.
None of this changes the fact that we cannot be together. We simply don't work and I can't allow myself to get my hopes up again, only to be crushed when he pulls back, when he takes back everything he has confessed and I refuse to be ripped apart, again, by the only hand that helps me.
Here I am, face in hands, obsessively overthinking the mistakes made. My mistakes, his mistakes, our parents mistakes and how mine seem to be eating away at me, refusing to allow me any peace.
I got a hint of it, a hint of serenity and calm when his hands were on me, his mouth hot on mine, his fingers digging into the sensitive skin covering my hips, but minutes later I am alone. I'm alone and hurt and embarrassed, and it's the same story, only an even more pathetic ending than the last installment.
I'm on my feet, refastening my bra and tugging Landon's sweatshirt over my head within seconds. I can't be here when he returns in a few minutes. I can't spend the next ten minutes preparing myself for whichever Hardin decided to make an appearance. I've done this too many times and I finally got myself to a place where my need for him wasn't so overpowering.
He wasn't consuming my every thought, he wasn't responsible for my every breath, and I was finally able to see a life after him.
This was a relapse. That's all it was. This was a terrible lapse in judgment and I'm harshly reminded of that by the silence of the room.
I'm dressed and in my room by the time I hear him opening the bathroom door. His footsteps grow louder as they pass and it only takes him a few seconds to realize that I'm not in the room he left me in.
He doesn't knock, I knew he wouldn't, before he enters the room.
I'm sitting on the bed, legs crossed and held in front of me, protecting myself. I must look pathetic to him, my eyes are burning with regretful tears and my skin smells of him.
"Why did you leave?" He asks, his hair is wet, dripping down his forehead and his hands are resting on his bare hips, his shorts hanging too low.
"I didn't. You did." I stubbornly point out.
He blankly stares at me as a few seconds pass. "I guess you're right, come back?" He forms the demand like a question and I fight myself not to get up from the bed.
"I don't think that's a good idea." I look away from his gaze and he treads across the room to sit across from me on the bed.
"Why's that? I'm sorry I freaked out, I just didn't know what to think and if I'm being totally fucking honest, I didn't trust myself not to say the wrong thing to you so I figured I would leave the room and clear my head."
Why couldn't he have behaved this way before? Why couldn't he be honest and level-headed when I needed him to be? Why did it take me finally pulling away for him to want to change?
"I wish you would have said that instead of just leaving me alone in there." I nod my head, gathering the tiny scrap of strength inside of me, "I don't think we should be alone together."
"What are you talking about?" He growls, his eyes going wild. So much for level-headed.
"I want to be here for you and I will be. If you need to talk about anything or vent, or if you just want someone to be there, but I really think we should stay in common areas. Like the living room or the kitchen?"
"You're not serious." He scoffs.
"I am."
"Common areas? So Landon can serve as our Eleanor Tinley? This is ridiculous. We can be in the same room without a damn chaperone."
"I didn't say anything about chaperones, I just think with how everything is now," I sigh before continuing. "I think I'm going back to Seattle for a few days." I haven't fully decided this until now but now that I've spoken the words, they make sense. I have to get my things ready to move to New York and I miss Kimberly. I have a doctor's appointment that I've been trying not to think about, and I don't see any good coming from playing house at The Scott' residence. Again.
"I'll come with you." He offers like it's the simplest solution.
"Hardin,"
"I was going to wait to bring this up but I'm moving out of that apartment and I'm going to move to Seattle. That's what you wanted all along and I'm ready to do it. I don't know what took me so long." He swipes his hand across his hair, pushing the drying strands to stand up in a messy wave.
"What are you talking about?" I shake my head at him. Now he wants to move to Seattle?
"I'll get us a nice place. It won't be a mansion like you're used to at Vance's but it will be nicer than anywhere you can afford on your own." His words weren't meant as an insult but that's how they come out and I'm instantly on edge.
"You don't get it." I accuse. "You're missing the entire point of everything!"
"What point? Why does there have to be a point to any of this? Why can't we just be, and why can't you just let me show you who I can be for you? It doesn't have to be about points and keeping score and making yourself miserable because you love me and won't allow yourself to be with me." He covers my hand with his own.
"I want to agree with you and I would love to buy into this fantasy world where we could work, but I've done that for too long and I can't do it anymore. You tried to warn me before and you gave me chance after chance to see the inevitable but I was in denial. I can see it now though, I see that we have been doomed from the start. How many times will we have this conversation?"
"As many times as it takes to change your mind."
"I never could change yours, what makes you think you could change mine?"
"What just happened between us didn't make it obvious to you?" He asks.
"I want you to be a part of my life, just not in that way. Not as my boyfriend."
"Husband?" He asks, his eyes full of humor and .. hope?
"We aren't together Hardin, and you can't throw marriage in my face because you think it will change my mind. I wanted you to want to marry me, not offer it as a last resort."
His breathing accelerates and once again, the short distance between us is too much. "It's not a last resort. I'm not playing games with you, I've learned my lesson there. I want to marry you because I can't imagine living my life any other way and you can go ahead and tell me I'm wrong but you know we may as well get married now. We won't be apart and you know it." He sounds so sure of himself and sure of our relationship and again, I'm confused and I can't decide if I should be angry or if I should be happy about his words.
Marriage doesn't hold the same value as it did only months ago. My parents were never married, they pretended to be to appease my mother and my grandparents. Anne and Ken were married and that legal binding couldn't save that sinking ship. What's the point of being married really? It almost never works anyway and I'm beginning to see that it's a ridiculous concept. It's messed up really, the way the idea is drilled into our heads that we should promise ourselves to another and depend on them for our source of happiness.
Lucky for me, I've finally learned that I can't depend on anyone for my own happiness.
"I don't think I even want to be married, ever."
Hardin sucks in a harsh breath and his hand moves to my chin, "what? You don't mean that." He says, his eyes searching mine.
"Yes, I do mean that. What's the point? It never works and divorce isn't cheap." I shrug my shoulders and ignore the horrified expression covering Hardin's face.
"What the hell are you saying? Since when are you so cynical?"
Cynical? I don't believe that I'm cynical, I just need to be realistic and not wish for a storybook ending that I obviously will never have.
"I don't know, since I realized how hopelessly stupid I was. I don't blame you for ending things with me, I was obsessed with having a life I could never have and it had to drive you insane."
"Tessa, you're talking crazy shit. You weren't obsessed with anything, I was just an asshole." He tugs at his hair in that frustrated way he does. "Fuck, now look what I've got you thinking! This is all backwards." He groans in frustration and kneels in front of me.
I stand up, hating the way I feel guilty for saying the truth about how I feel. I'm so internally conflicted and being in this small room with Hardin isn't helping. I can't focus near him and I can't stick to my defenses when he's looking at me like each of my words is a weapon against him, no matter how true that is, it still makes me feel sympathy for him when I don't think I should. But I do.
I was always so quick to judge women that felt this way. While watching an overly dramatic relationship on screen, I was quick to label the woman as "weak" but it's not that simple or that cut and dry.
There are so many things to take into consideration when labeling someone and I'll admit before I met Hardin, I did this too often. Who am I to judge someone based on their feelings? I never knew how strong those foolish emotions could be, I couldn't comprehended the magnetic pull that could be felt. I never understood the way love overpowers common sense and passion overtakes logic and no one knows how you feel, no one can judge me for being weak or stupid, no one can put me down for the way I feel.
I will never claim to be perfect and I am struggling every second to keep myself above water but it's not as easy as people assume. It's not so easy to walk away from someone when they have made their way into every cell, when they have taken over every thought and they have been responsible for the best and worst feelings I've ever held. No one, not even my subconscious can make me feel bad for loving passionately and hoping desperately that I could have that great love that I've read about in the novels.
By the time I finish justifying my actions to myself, my subconscious has taken her hair down and closed her eyes, relieved that I've finally stopped beating myself up for the way that my emotions have been playing me.
"Tessa, I'm coming to Seattle. I won't try and force you to live with me but I want to be where you are. I'll keep my distance until you're ready for more and I'll play nice with everyone, even Vance."
"That's not the issue," I sigh. His determination is admirable but it's never been consistent. He will get bored eventually and move on with his life. We are too far gone this time.
"Like I said before, I will try to keep my distance but I'm coming to Seattle. If you won't help me decide on an apartment, I'll have to choose it myself but I will make sure you'll like it too."
I use my thoughts to drown out his words. If I hear them, if I really listen to them, they will break down the barrier I've built. The surface split open only an hour ago and I let my emotions control my body, but I can't let that happen again.
Hardin leaves the room after another ten minutes of me trying to ignore his promises and I pack my bag for Seattle. I've been going back and forth, traveling too much lately and I look forward to the day when I finally have a place to call home. I need the security, I need the stability.
How is it that I spent my entire life planning for stability only to be out in the word swaying along with no base to call my own, no safety net, nothing at all.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Landon is leaning against the wall. "Hey, I wanted to talk to you before you leave." He stops me with his hand on my arm. I stand in front of him and wait for him to speak. I hope he's not changing his mind on letting me tag along to New York.
"I just wanted to check with you and see if you've changed your mind about coming with me to NYU. If you did that's okay, I just need to know so I can tell Ken about the flight arrangements." Landon says.
"No, I'm still coming. I just need to go to Seattle and say goodbye to Kim and-" I want to tell him about my appointment but I don't think I'm ready to face that just yet. Nothing is certain but I'd rather not think about it just yet.
"Are you sure? I don't want you to feel like you have to go, I'll understand if you want to stay here, with him." His voice is so kind, so understanding, that I can't help but throw my arms around his shoulders.
"You are amazing, you know that right?" I smile up at him. "I haven't changed my mind. I want to do this, I have to do this for myself."
"When are you going to tell him? What do you think he will do?"
I haven't put much thought into what Hardin will do when I tell him my plans to move across. I don't have time to let Hardin's opinion shape my plans, not anymore.
"I honestly don't know how he will react. Up until my father's funeral, I don't think he would have cared one bit."
"I don't agree but I can see why you would think that." Landon nods. Noises from the kitchen silence us both and I'm reminded that I haven't congratulated him on the news.
"I can't believe you didn't tell me that your mother is pregnant!" I'm thankful for the easy subject change.
"I know, I'm sorry. She just told me and you've been keeping yourself locked in that room," he smiles, gently teasing me.
"Are you sad that you're leaving now with a baby sibling on the way?" I ask. I briefly wonder if Landon likes being an only child. We have only discussed it a few times but he always avoids talking about his father so the attention was quickly directed back to me each time.
"A little. I'm just worried how my mom will handle the pregnancy alone and I'll miss her and Ken but I'm ready for this." He smiles at me, "I think at least." Landon adds and I nod in agreement.
"We will be fine. Especially you, you've already been accepted. I'm moving there without knowing if I will even get in and I'm taking a semester off which means I'll graduate after you and I'll just be floating around New York without being enrolled and I'll have no job and-"
Landon's hand covers my mouth and he laughs. "I feel that same panic when I think about the change but I force myself to focus on the positives."
"Which are?" I mumble against his hand.
"Well, it's New York. That's all I've gotten so far." He admits with a deep laugh and I find myself smiling from ear to ear as Karen joins us in the hallway.
"I'll miss that sound when you two leave." She says, her eyes shining under the lights. Ken walks up behind her and places a kiss to the back of her head.
"Is Hardin down here? I would like to talk with him." Ken looks back and forth between Landon and I before settling his hand on his wife's hip.
After informing Ken that Hardin is upstairs, I grab my bag and leave the house. Only five miles into the long drive, I'm stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and I hope that the endless traffic isn't a sign for how the six hour drive will be.
Hardin's POV.
A knock sounds at the door and I don't bother to hide my disappointment when I realize Tessa isnt the one standing in the hallway.
My father gives me an awkward smile and waits for permission to enter the room. "I wanted to talk to you about the baby." He says. I knew this was coming and much to my disappointment there is no way to avoid this shit.
"Come in then." I move out of his way and sit down in the chair next to the desk. I have no fucking clue what he's going to say or what I'm going to say or how this will end up but I can't see it going well.
He doesn't sit down, he just stands by the dresser with his hands shoved into the pockets of his gray dress slacks. The same gray colors the stripes on his tie and his black sweater vest just screams "I'm the chancellor at an accredited university". His brown eyes are worried and his brows are knitted together. He's fumbling with his hands in such a pathetic way that I just want to put him out of his misery.
"I'm fine. I know you probably assumed I'd be breaking shit and throwing a tantrum but honestly, I don't care if you're having a baby." I finally say.
He sighs, not looking relieved as I had sort of hoped he would. "It's okay if you are a little upset about it. I know it's unexpected and I know how you feel about me. I hope this doesn't make your ill feelings toward me grow." He looks down at the floor and I find myself wishing Tessa was here next to me, instead of downstairs. I need to see her before she leaves. I promised to give her space but I didn't except this father-son moment to be thrown at me.
"You know nothing of how I feel about you." I remind him. Hell, I don't think I even know how I feel about him.
His patience with me is never-ending as he says, "I hope this doesn't change or take away from any of the progress we've made. I know I have a lot to make up for but I really hope you'll allow me to keep trying."
When I look at him, I see a resemblance between us that I hadn't before. We are both fuck-ups, both of us have been led by stupid decisions and addictions and I'm pissed that I got this trait from being raised by him.
If Vance has raised me, I wouldn't be this way. I wouldn't be so fucked up inside. I wouldn't have been afraid of my dad coming home drunk and I wouldn't have sat on the floor with my mum for hours while she wept and bled and struggled to stay conscious after the beating she endured because of his mistakes.
Anger simmers inside of me, humming in my veins, and I'm two breaths away from calling for Tessa. I need her at times like this, well, I need her always, but especially now. I need her soft voice to speak encouraging words, I need her light to push against the shadows inside of my mind.
"I want you to be a part of the baby's life, Hardin. I think this could be a really good thing for all of us."
"Us?" I scoff.
"Yes, all of us. You included. You're a part of this family. When I married Karen and took on the role of Landon's father, I know you felt like I was forgetting about you and I don't want you to feel this way because of the baby."
"Forgetting me? You forgot about me long before you married Karen." I remind him. I don't get the same thrill out of throwing shit into his face now that I know the truth about his past with my mum and Christian.
I feel for him and the shit they pulled but at the same time, I'm fucking pissed at him for being such a shitty father up until this last year.
"When did you know that my mum was fucking Vance behind your back?" I can't help but ask. I have to know why he would attempt to make amends with me if he isn't completely positive that he's my father.
Silence fills the room and he looks as if he will pass out any second. "How-" he stops to rub his hand across the stubble on his chin. "Who told you that?"
"Cut the shit. I know all about them. That's what happened in London. I caught them together. He had her on the kitchen counter."
"Oh god," his voice is strangled and his chest is heaving. "before or after the wedding?"
"Before, but she still got married. Why did you stay with her if you knew she wanted him?"
He takes a few breaths before answering. "I loved her. I don't have a reason aside from that. I loved her and I loved you and I kept hoping that one day she would stop loving him. That day never came and it was eating me alive. I knew what she was doing and what he, my best friend, was doing but I had so much hope for us and I thought she would eventually choose me."
"She didn't." I remind him. She may have chosen to marry him and spend her life with him, but she didn't choose him in any way that mattered.
"I know that now and I should have given up long before I turned to alcohol."
"Yeah you should have." Everything would be so different if he had.
"I know you don't understand it and I know that my poor choices and false hopes ruined your childhood for you so I don't except your forgiveness or understanding."
I stay silent because I can't think of anything to say. My mind is reeling with horrid memories and the reality of how fucked all three of my.. parent-like figures are. I don't even know what to call them.
"I suppose I felt like she would see that he couldn't offer her the stability that I could. I had a good job and I wasn't as much of a flight risk as Christian was. I reckon if Tessa marries another man, this is how he will feel. He will always be competing with you and even when you leave her for the hundredth time, he will be competing with the memory of you."
"I'm not leaving her again."
"He said that too,"
"I'm not him."
"I know you aren't. I'm in no way saying that you are Christian or that Tessa is like your mum. Lucky for you, it's only you that Tessa sees. If your mum wouldn't have fought her feelings for him, they could have been happy together, instead they allowed their toxic relationship to ruin everyone's lives around them."
Catherine and Heathcliff come to my mind and I want to vomit at the easy comparison. Tessa and I may be a huge fucking disaster like two characters, but I won't allow us to suffer the same fate.
This still doesn't make sense to me. Why would he put up with so much shit from me if he had the slightest of a clue that I wasn't his problem to begin with?
"So it's true then? He's your father isn't he?" The strong, scary man from my childhood has disappeared and been replaced by a heartbroken man on the verge of tears.
I want to tell him that he's a damn idiot for putting up with this shit from me and my mum and I can't forget the hell he made my life as a child. It's his fault that I side with the demons and fight against the angels, it's his fault that I have a special place in hell and I'm not welcomed in heaven. It's his fault that Tessa won't be with me. It's his fault that I hurt her too many times to count and it's his fault that I'm just now trying to fix twenty-one years of mistakes.
"I knew from the first time I saw you that you were his." His words nearly knock the wind from my chest along with the angry thoughts in my mind. "I knew it." He's trying not to cry but failing and I cringe and look away at the wet tears on his cheeks.
"I knew. How could I not have? You looked just like him and as each year passed, your mum would cry a little harder, she would sneak off with him a little more. I knew. I didn't want to admit it because you were all that I had. I didn't have your mum, I never had her, since I met her she was his. You were all I had and as I allowed my anger to take over, I ruined that too." He stops to catch his breath and I sit in confused silence.
"You would have been better off with him, I know you would have been but I loved you, still love you, as if you are my own flesh, and I can only hope that you will let me stay in your life." He's still crying, too many tears stains show the evidence of his emotions and I find myself feeling for him. Some of the weight on my chest has lifted and I can feel years of anger dissolving inside of me.
I don't know what this feeling is, it's strong and it's freeing. By the time he looks up at me, I don't even feel like myself. I'm not myself, that's the only explanation for why my arms are touching his shoulders and wrapping around his back to comfort him while he cries.
(Thank you for all your comments and messages about the article and working with Wattpad! You guys are literally the best friends and readers I could ever ask for! Thank you so much! I am terrible at this schedule thing (obviously lol) but I plan to update Saturday! We only have about 15-18 chapters left! It's gone so fast! How was your week so far? Mine was good, really busy, but good! )