Songs for this chapter are:
Fall away- The Fray
The reason- Hoobastank
Sad, beautiful, Tragic- Taylor Swift
Hardin's POV.
"Hardin, please. I've got to get ready," Tessa whined into my chest. Her naked body was sprawled across me, distracting every brain cell I have left.
"You're not convincing me, woman. If you actually wanted to leave, you would be out of bed by now." I pressed my lips against the shell of her ear and she wiggled against me. "You certainly wouldn't be rubbing yourself against my cock right now." I called her out. She giggled and slid against me, deliberately making contact with my already hard erection.
"Now you've done it," I groaned, wrapping my fingers around her curvy hips. "You'll never make it to class now." My fingers slid to the front of her, sliding into her with a gasp. Fuck, she always felt so fucking tight and warm around my fingers, even more so around my cock.
Without a word, she rolled onto her side and wrapped her hand around me, jerking slowly. Her thumb swiped across the bead of come already present, betraying the cool smirk on my face as she whined for more.
"More what?" I teased her, praying that she would take the bait. Either way I knew what was coming next, I just loved to hear her say it.
Her words became something more substantial, more tangible, when said aloud. The way she whined and whimpered for me was more than a satisfaction or plea of lust. The words signified her trust in me, the movements of her body engraved her loyalty to me, and the promise of her love for me filled me, body and soul.
I was completely consumed by her, completely fucking lost in her, every single time I made love to her since the beginning, even when I was being dishonest to her. This time was no exception.
"Tell me, Tessa." I pressed her for the words that I wanted. The words that I needed.
"More everything, just.. just all of you," she moaned, running her lips along my chest and I lifted one of her thighs to wrap it around my own. It would be deeper this way, more difficult, but much deeper and I could watch her easily. I could watch what only I could do to her and I would fucking revel in the way her mouth fell open and she came, calling my name alone.
"You already have all of me," I should have said. Instead, I reached in front of her and pulled a condom from the nightstand and slid it on, pressing between her legs. Her satisfied groan had me almost burst right then but I held it together long enough to bring her to the edge with me. She whispered how much she loved me and how good I made her feel, and I should have told her that I felt the same way, even more than she could ever imagine but instead, I spoke only her name as I emptied myself into the condom.
There were so many things I should have said, could have said, and sure as hell would have said if I had known my days in heaven were numbered.
Had I known that I would be cast out so soon, I would have worshipped her the way she deserves.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay here another night? I heard Tessa telling Carol that she was staying another night." Noah pushes me out of my mind and back into reality in that annoying way he has. "Are you okay?" He adds.
"Yeah." I should tell him what was happening in my head, the bittersweet memory of Tessa wrapped around me as she clawed at my back while she came. Then again, I really don't want that image in his head.
"So?" He raises a blonde brow at me.
"I'm leaving. I need to give her some space." I explain while wondering just how the actual fuck I got myself into this situation to begin with. I'm a fucking idiot that's how. My stupidity is incomparable really. Except for my fathers, my mum too, I suppose. I must get this stupidity from them. The three of them must be where I acquired the need to sabotage myself, to destroy the only good in my life.
I could blame them.
I could, but blaming everyone else hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. Maybe it's time I do something different.
"Space? I didn't know you knew the word." Noah tries to joke with me. He must notice my glare because he quickly adds, "if you need anything, I don't know what, but just anything in general, you can call me." He awkwardly glances around the vast living room of his family home and I stare at the wall behind him to avoid looking at him.
After an uncomfortable back and forth with Noah and more than a few nervous glances from Mrs. Porter, I take my small bag and head out of the house. I don't have shit with me, just this tiny bag of a few dirty clothes and my cellphone charger. Even worse, much to my annoyance, it's only now, now that I'm outside in the drizzling rain, that I remember where my car is. Fuck.
I could walk down to Tessa's mum's and catch a ride with Ken if he's still there, but I don't think that's a good idea. If I get anywhere near her, if I even so much as breathe the same air as Tessa, no one will be able to tear me away from her. I let Carol easily dismiss me in the greenhouse, but that won't be happening again. I was so close to breaking through to Tessa. I felt it, and I know she did too. I saw her smile. I saw the empty, sad, girl smile for me.
She still holds enough love for me to waste another smile on me and that means the fucking world to me. Maybe, just maybe, if I give her the space she needs for now, she will continue to toss me scraps. I'll take these scraps with fucking pleasure. A small smile, a one word text response, hell, if she doesn't get a restraining order against me then I'll gladly settle for anything she will give me until I can remind her of what we have together.
Remind her? It's not much of a reminder really, since I've never actually shown her the way I could be. I've only been selfish and afraid, letting my fear and self loathing run the show, always taking my attention from her. I could only focus on myself and my disgusting habit of taking every ounce of her love and trust and throwing it in her face.
The rain is picking up now and really, it's okay. The rain would usually help me bask in my self hatred, but not today, today the rain isn't so bad.
..
Tessa's POV.
The rain has returned, falling in a heavy, lonely, sheet across the lawn. I'm leaning against the window now, staring out at it as if I'm mesmerized by it. I used to like the rain, it was a sort of comfort as a child and that comfort carried out into my teenage and now adult years, but now it only reminds me of the loneliness inside of me.
The house has cleared now, even Landon and his family have gone back to Pullman. I can't seem to decide if I'm happy that they left, or if I'm sad to be alone.
"Hey," a soft knock sounds at the bedroom door, reminding me that I'm not alone after all. Zed offered to stay the night here at my mother's tonight and I couldn't turn him down. I sit down near the headboard of the bed and wait for him to open the door.
A few seconds pass and he hasn't entered the room. "You can come in," I call. I'm used to a certain someone barging in before I grant him permission. Not that I ever minded, I sort of liked it.
Zed enters the small room dressed in the same clothes he wore to the funeral, only now some of the buttons on his dress shirt are unfastened and his gelled hair has flattened, taking on a softer, more comfortable look.
"How you feeling?" He takes a seat on the edge of the bed and shifts toward me.
"Well, I'm okay. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel." I answer honestly. I can't tell him that I'm mourning the loss of two men tonight, not only one.
"Do you want to go somewhere? Or maybe watch a movie or something? To take your mind off of things?"
I take a moment to think about his question. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, even though I probably should. I was fine sitting by the window and obsessing over the desolate rain.
"Or we could just talk? I've never seen you like this, you aren't yourself." Zed rests his hand on my shoulder and I can't help but lean into him. It was unfair of me to be so harsh on him earlier today. He was only trying to comfort me, he just said the opposite of what I wanted to hear.
It's not Zed's fault that I've recently taken a turn for Crazyville, it's mine and mine alone. Population two, only me and my subconscious. She gets her own number since she seems to be the only one left standing with me after the battle. Even still, she's covered in dirt and rubble, waving a white flag, hoping that the worst has passed.
"Tessa?" Zed's fingers touch over my cheek to gain my attention.
Embarrassed, I shake my head at him. "I'm sorry, I told you I'm feeling a little mad." I attempt a smile and he does the same. He's worried for me, I can see it in the golden brown of his eyes. I can see it in the weak smile he's pushing across his full lips.
"It's alright. You have a lot going on. Come over here," he pats the empty space next to him and I scoot closer.
"I have something to ask you," Zed's tanned cheeks give an obvious flush and I nod, asking him to go on. I have no idea what his question could be but he's been such a great friend to me, coming all the way here to comfort me.
"Okay, well.." he pauses, drawing out a long breath, "I was wondering what happened between you and Hardin." He bites down on his bottom lip and I quickly look away.
"I don't know if we should discuss Hardin and I.."
"I don't need specifics, I just want to know if it's really, truly over this time?"
"It is." I swallow the hard truth.
"You're sure?"
"Yes, but I don't see what-" I'm cut off by Zed's lips pressing against mine. His hands move to my hair and his tongue pushed through my closed mouth. I gasp in surprise and he takes that as an invitation to push further and press his body against me, forcing me closer to the mattress.
Confused and caught incredibly off-guard, my body reacts quickly and my hands shove against his chest. He hesitates for a moment, still trying to melt his mouth to mine.
"What are you doing?" I gasp, the moment that he finally lets up.
"What?' His eyes are wide and his lips are swollen from the pressure against mine.
"Why did you do that?" I rush to my feet, completely thrown by his affections and I'm trying desperately not to overreact.
"What? Kiss you?"
"Yes!" I shout at him before quickly covering my mouth. The last thing I need is my mother coming into the room.
"You said that you and Hardin were finished! You just said that!" His voice comes out louder than mine but he makes no move to silence himself the way I did.
Why would he think this is okay? Why would he kiss me?
"That wasn't an invitation for you to make a move on me! I thought you were here to comfort me, as a friend." I overemphasize the words.
He scoffs, "a friend? You know how I feel about you! You've always known how I felt about you!"
I'm baffled by the roughness of his tone with me. He's always been so understanding, what has changed? "You agreed that we would be friends, you know how I feel about him." I keep my voice as calm and neutral as I possibly can, despite the panic inside of my chest. I don't want to hurt Zed's feelings but he is way out of line.
"No, I don't know how you feel about him because you two go back and forth, back and forth. You change your mind on a weekly basis and I'm always waiting, waiting, waiting." He rolls his eyes and I shrink back. I barely recognize this Zed, I want the old one back. The Zed that I trust and care for isn't here.
"I know that. I know that's what we do, but I thought that I made myself clear about-" I begin.
"Hanging all over me doesn't exactly send that message." His voice is flat, cold, and a set of chills run down my spine at the difference in him that has appeared in the last two minutes.
"I wasn't hanging all over you." He couldn't possibly believe that? "You put your arm around me to comfort me at my father's funeral. I thought it was a lovely gesture, I didn't mean for you to take it any other way. Hardin was there, you couldn't have possibly thought that I would be affectionate with you in front of him?" I'm offended and confused by his accusation.
The echo of a cabinet closing sounds through the small house and Zed makes an effort to lower his voice.
"Why not? You have used me to make him jealous before." He harshly whispers.
I want to defend myself but I know he's right. Not about everything, but his point is valid here. "I know I have in the past and I'm sorry for that. I really am, I've told you how sorry I was before and I'll say it again. You have always been there for me and I appreciate you so much, but I thought we talked about this. I thought you understood that you and I could only have a friendship, if that."
"You're so whipped by him that you don't even see just how deep you are," he waves his hands through the air. The warm glow of his eyes has dropped temperature, settling at a chilled amber.
"Zed," I sigh in defeat. I didn't want to fight with him, not after the week I've had. "I'm sorry, okay? I really am but you are behaving completely inappropriately right now. I thought we were friends."
"We aren't," he spits. "I thought you just needed more time, I thought this would be my shot at finally having you and you threw me away. Again."
"I can't give you what you want, you know I can't. It's impossible for me. Right or wrong, Hardin has left his mark on me and I wouldn't be able to give myself to you, to anyone, I fear." The moment the words leave my mouth, I regret them.
The look in Zed's eyes when I'm finished with my pathetic speech has me reeling, grasping, for any hint of the Mr. Collins I thought I knew. Instead, I'm standing in this bedroom, staring at Wickham and I make my move for the open door.
"Tessa, wait! I'm sorry!" He calls behind me but I'm already opening the front door and rushing out into the rain by the time his voice travels down the hallway.
My bare feet splash along the concrete and my clothes are soaked by the time I make it to The Porter's house. I don't know the time, I couldn't even guess the hour, but I'm grateful that the lights in the foyer are on. Relief washes over me like the cool rain when Noah's mother answers the door.
"Tessa? My dear! Are you okay?" She rushes me inside and I cringe at the sound of the water rolling off of me and onto their clean hardwood flooring.
"I'm sorry, I just.." As I stare around the expansive and practically spotless living room, I instantly regret coming here. Hardin wouldn't want to see me anyway, what was I thinking? He isn't mine to rush to anymore, he isn't the man I thought he was.
My Hardin disappeared in England, and a stranger took his place and ruined us. My Hardin would never get high and touch another woman, let another woman wear his clothes. My Hardin wouldn't mock me in front of his friends and send me packing back to America, tossing me away like I was nothing. I am nothing, to him anyway.
The more offensives that I list, the more foolish I sound inside of my own mind. The truth of the matter is, the only Hardin I knew, has done all of the above, over and over again, and even now, when I'm the only one listening, I'm still defending him. How pathetic am I?
"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Porter. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry. Please don't tell anyone I was here," I frantically apologize and like the unstable person I've become, I rush back into the rain before she can stop me.
By the time I stop running, I'm near the post office. I always hated this corner as a child. The small, brick post office rests alone in the very back of the town. Not a single house or business are near, and times like this, when it's dark and raining, my eyes play tricks on me and the small building blends into the trees. I always ran past it as a child.
My adrenaline has worn off now and my feet are aching from repeatedly hitting the concrete. I don't know what I was thinking coming this far into town. I wasn't thinking, I suppose.
My already questionable sanity is at play again as a shadow emerges from underneath the awning of the post office. I begin to back away, slowly, just in case I'm not imaging things.
"Tessa? What the fuck are you doing?" The shadow says in Hardin's voice. With every intention to run, I turn on my heel but he's quicker than I am. His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me to his chest before I can take off. A large hand forces me to look up at him and I try to keep my eyes open and focused, despite the heavy drops of rain clouding my vision.
"Why the hell are you out here in the rain, alone?" Hardin accuses through the noise of the loud rain.
I don't know how to feel. I want to take Hardin's advice and feel however I want to, but it's not that simple. I can't betray the tiny scrap of strength left inside of me. If I allowed myself to feel the overwhelming relief of Hardin's hand on my cheek, I would be letting myself down.
"Answer me. Has something happened?"
"No," I shake my head, lying. "Why are you here this late, out in the middle of nowhere? I thought you were at the Porter's?" I assume Mrs. Porter has mentioned my embarrassing and very desperate lapse in judgment.
"No, I left there about an hour ago. I'm waiting for a cab. The asshole was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago." Hardin's clothes are saturated, his hair is drenched and his hand is shaking against my skin.
"Tell me why you are out here, barely dressed and bare foot." I can tell he's making a conscious effort to stay calm but his mask isn't intact the way he believes it to be. Clear as day, I can see the panic behind the green of his eyes. Even in the dark, I can see the storm brewing behind them. He knows, he always seems to just know everything.
"It's nothing. Not a big deal," I take a step away from him but he isn't having it. He steps toward me, even closer than before. He's never been anything less than demanding.
Headlights break through the veil of rain and my heart begins to pound inside of my chest when the shape of a truck comes into view. Zed leaves his truck running as he climbs out and rushes toward me. Hardin steps between us, silently warning him not to come any closer. This is another scene that I've become too accustomed to and would rather not see again. Every aspect of my life seems to be a cycle, a vicious one, one that takes a piece of me with it each time that history repeats itself.
"What did you do?" Hardin's voice is loud and clear, even through the rain.
"What did she tell you?" Zed counters and Hardin steps closer to him.
"Everything." Hardin lies to him. I struggle to make out the expression on Zed's face. It's impossible to see clearly, even with the help of his headlights shining on us.
"She told you that she kissed me then?" Zed sneers. His voice an awful mixture of malice and satisfaction.
Before I can defend myself against Zed's lies, another set of headlights joins the chaos.
"She what?" Hardin shouts. His body is still turned toward Zed and the taxi's headlights shine across the space, giving me a glimpse of the smug grin across Zed's face. How could he lie to Hardin? Will Hardin believe him? More importantly, does it matter if he does or not?
Does any of this actually matter?
"This is about Sam, isn't it?" Hardin asks before Zed can respond.
"No, it's not!" Zed wipes his hand across his face, splashing water in it's wake.
"Yes it is! I knew it! I fucking knew you were going after Tessa because of that whore!"
"She wasn't a whore! And this isn't only about her, I care about Tessa! Just the way I did Samantha and you had to fuck it up! You always have to come in and fuck everything up for me!" Zed screams and Hardin takes a step closer to him.
"Get in the cab, Tessa." Hardin instructs. I stand in place, ignoring him. Who is Samantha? The name sounds slightly familiar but I can't place it. "Tessa, get in the cab and wait for me. Please." He says though clenched teeth. Hardin's patience is running thin and by the look on Zed's face, his has already evaporated.
"Please don't fight him, Hardin. Not again." I beg him. I am sick of the fighting, I don't think I can take watching another violent scene after finding my father's body on an apartment floor only a few days ago.
"Tessa," he begins but I interrupt.
"Please, this week has been so terrible and I can't watch it. Please, Hardin. Just get in the cab with me. Take me away from here, please." The last bit of my sanity has officially disappeared as I beg Hardin to leave with me.
I jump at the contact of his fingers wrapping around my wrist. I knew he would grow tired of begging me to get inside the cab, but what I didn't know, or expect was that he would climb inside of the cab with me and instruct the driver to take me by my mother's house to get my belongings.
(Hey guys! I'm back! I had an amazing time, it was incredible! But I did miss you all and I missed the "After world" so, so much! I will be updating again Monday so the wait won't be too long! Thank you all for being so patient, you are amazing and supportive and mean so much to me! ily all! Don't forget to vote:)