Songs for this chapter are:
Sad beautiful Tragic- Taylor Swift
Pompeii- Bastille
Never say never- The Fray
Hardin's POV.
"Hardin, can I talk to you for a minute?" Carol's voice is soft, timid even. I'm already confused and the woman has barely started speaking.
"Uhm, sure," I stand back a little, keeping a safe distance from her. My back is against the wall in the small kitchen by the time I stop moving.
"I just wanted to talk about last night," her expression is tight and I know this is just as awkward for her as it is for me. I pull my eyes from her and glance at my feet. I don't know how this is going to go but she's already pinned her hair back and cleaned the mess of makeup that was smeared under her eyes last night.
"I don't know what got into me, I should have never acted that way in front of you. It was incredibly stupid and I-"
"It's fine." I interrupt her.
"No, it's really not fine. I want to be clear that nothing has changed here, I still feel strongly about you staying away from my daughter." She says. I didn't expect anything different from her.
"I wish I could say I will listen to you but I can't. I know you don't like me," I pause and can't help but laugh at my understatement. "You hate me and I get that, but you know your opinion doesn't mean shit to me. I mean that in the nicest way possible, that's just the way it is."
She catches me off guard by laughing along with me. Like mine, hers is a pained, low ring of laughter. "You are just like him, you speak to me the same way he spoke to my parents. Richard never cared what anyone thought about him either, but look where that got him."
"I'm not him," I snap at her. I really am trying to be as nice to her as possible but she's making it difficult. Tessa has been in the shower for so long and it's taking everything in me not to check in on her.
"You have to try to see this entire thing from my perspective, Hardin. I was in the same type of toxic relationship and I know how these things end. I don't want that for Tessa and if you loved her the way you claim, you wouldn't want that for her either." She looks over at me and continues, "I want the best for her, you may not believe me but I always raised Tessa not to depend on a man, the way I did, and look at her now. She's nineteen years old and she's reduced to nothing each and every time you decide to leave her-"
"I-" I begin to interrupt again but she holds up her hand.
"Let me finish," she sighs. "I envied her actually, it's pathetic but a part of me was envious that you always came back for her the way Richard never came back for me, but the more you left, the more I realized that you two will have the same ending that we did because even though you come back, you never stay. If you want her to end up like me, alone and hateful, then you keep doing what you're doing and I can assure you that's exactly what will happen to her."
I hate the way Carol sees me, but even more than that, I hate the way that she's right. I do always leave Tessa and even though I come back, I wait until she's comfortable and then I leave again.
"It's up to you, you're the only person she seems to listen to and my daughter loves you too much for her own good." Tessa's mum tells me. I know she does, she loves me, and because she loves me, we won't end up like her parents.
"You can't give her what she needs, you're only holding her back from finding someone who will." I hear Tessa's old bedroom door close, signaling that she's out of the shower.
"You'll see Carol, you'll see." I pull an empty glass from the cabinet and fill it with water for Tessa.
I can change our course and prove everyone wrong, myself included. I know that I can.
"I'm coming in," I warn her from the hallway, opening the door without waiting for her response. "I brought you more water." She doesn't make a move to grab the cup so I sit it on the table.
"Thank you."
"Are you feeling better?" I softly ask. I don't want to upset her and she's already in such a fragile state. Tessa doesn't answer, I know her well enough to know she's lost in her own thoughts.
"I hope you are," I say. I know she didn't hear me, I can tell by the blank expression on her face. "Feeling better," I clarify. It's astounding how I can read her better than I can read myself.
"I am, sort of." She shrugs her shoulders and casts her eyes to the floor. I wish she would look at me.
"I want you to know how sorry I am for everything Tessa, I should have come back here with you. I shouldn't have ended things with you because of my own problems. I should have let you be there for me like I want to be for you. Now I know how you must feel, constantly trying to help me when I pushed and pushed you away."
"Hardin," she barely whispers. She wants me to stop but I won't, not until she hears my words. Not until she understands them.
"No Tessa, let me say this. I promise you this time it will be different. I'll never do that again. I'm sorry that it took your dad dying to make me realize how much I need you but I won't do it again, I swear it." I'm so desperate for her to hear me, I sound like a maniac.
"I can't. I'm sorry Hardin, but I really can't."
Can't?
I move over to her and drop to my knees in front of her. She can. She can and she will. She has to.
"Can't what? I know it will take some time but I am prepared to wait for you to come out of this.. this, state of grief you're in. I'm willing to do everything, I mean everything."
"We can't, we never could." The tone of her voice almost silences me. If I wasn't so desperate, I wouldn't be able to finish. I will do anything for her, I am realizing this. I don't know what has changed but something has shifted inside of me, making the future seem just a little brighter, a little less miserable with Tessa by my side. We could get married and I could spend my entire life with her by my side, lightening my darkest days, always pulling me through them.
Holy shit.
We could get fucking married. That's it! That's what we will do. I will marry her, I will gladly fucking marry her and never, ever leave her again. Visions swirl behind my lids, too many to keep track of but Tessa's there. She's there and she's happy and she's wearing a white dress, there are flowers everywhere. She's walking toward me, a radiant smile on her beautiful face. No trace of this ghost girl who sits in front of me now would be present on our wedding day.
"We can get married," I ramble. She will be happy about this declaration, I know she will be. "Tessa, we can get married. I'll marry you tomorrow if you'll agree. I'll wear a tux and everything."
She isn't happy though, she isn't jumping up and down, or even smiling like I thought she would. She's wanted this for so long, why isn't she at least smiling?
"We can't," Tessa shakes her head and my heart breaks.
Break isn't the right word, really. My heart fucking shatters into tiny little shards of black, broken glass, and even the glass isn't strong enough to keep from turning to ash.
"I have money, more than enough money to pay for a wedding, Tessa and we could have it wherever you choose. You can get the most expensive dress and flowers and I won't complain about any of it!" I shout as her dull, lifeless expression acts as the wind and blows my ashes away.
"It's not about that, it's not right."
"What is it then? I know you want this Tessa, you've told me so many times."
"I don't have anything left, Hardin. I don't have anything left to give you. You've already taken it all and I'm sorry but there's just nothing left."
Another blow.
"I don't want to take anything from you. I want to give you what you want!" I gasp for air. How could she think I want to take anything else from her? I want to marry her.
The more I think about it, the truer it becomes. What was I so afraid of? Ending up like my parents? The irony is almost sickening.
"Marry me, Tess. Please just marry me and I swear I'll never do anything like this again. We could be together forever, we would be husband and wife. I know you're too good for me and I know you deserve better but now I know that you and I, we aren't like anyone else. We aren't like your parents or mine, we are different and we can fucking make it, okay? Just listen to me one more time-"
"Look at us," her small hand waves between us. "Look at who I've become. I don't want this life anymore."
"No, no, no," I stand to my feet and cross the room. "You do! Let me make it up to you." I use my free hand to tug at my hair. This cast is driving me fucking insane.
"Hardin please calm down. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you and most of all I'm sorry that I complicated your life and I'm sorry for all the fighting and back and forth but you have to know this wouldn't work. I thought," she grants me a weak smile, "I thought that we could make it, I thought ours was a love of the novels, a love that no matter how hard and fast and tough it was, I thought we would survive anything and everything and live to tell the story."
Why is she apologizing to me? This is all my fault, not hers. "We can, we can survive it." I choke. How is this happening? Why can't she see us?
Why can't she see what we are? What we are together? We cannot be apart. Ours is a love of the novels, better than any Austen or Bronte she has memorized.
"That's just it Hardin, I don't want to have to survive, I want to live."
My heart is pounding out of my chest, I can barely breathe.
She feels as if she isn't living? I can't understand that. I just can't. I only live when it comes to her. She's the only breath of life inside of me and without that steady breath, I will be nothing. I will neither survive nor live.
I wouldn't want to even if I could.
"I can't just let you go. You know that. I always come back to you, you had to know that I would. I would have come back from London eventually and we-"
"I can't spend my life waiting for you to come back to me and it would be selfish of me to want you to spend yours running."
"I can't be without you." I know I have said these words too many times but she has to know they are the truest words that have ever fallen from my deceitful mouth.
"You can. You'll be happier and less conflicted. It would be easier, you said so yourself." She says without a trace of emotion.
"No!" My head has joined my heart now, pounding frantically inside the casing of my body. That's all I am without her, a case. She holds every ounce of every part of me that's worth a damn. It isn't much, but she's got all I have to offer and it's hers to keep, I'll never get those parts of me back from her. They have been hers since day one and they wouldn't mean shit if she still hold them.
"We've fought so hard but I think it's time to stop."
"No! No!" I bring my fists to my forehead. I'm two seconds away from cutting this fucking cast off. Before I can stop myself, I'm pulling the lamp from the table and within seconds it's laying on the floor with a shattered bulb and bent shade.
"This is what you wanted, remember? Go back to that Hardin. Just remember why you didn't want me. Remember why you sent me back to America alone." I can't remember why I did that. Every excuse I fed to myself doesn't make a fucking lick of sense now.
"I can't be without you, I need you in my life."
"I can still be in your life," she sighs. "Just not like this."
"You're seriously suggesting we be friends?" My anger threatens to take over but I cannot allow that to happen. I need to keep a hold on my anger and show Tessa that I can be what she needs.
I need to show her that I can be more than a bad tempered alcoholic with daddy issues. "We can't go back to being friends after everything. I could never be in the same room as you and not be with you. You are everything to me and you're going insult me by suggesting we be friends? You don't mean that. You love me, Tessa." I look into her eyes. "You have to. Don't you love me?"
"Yes," she frowns and I kneel in front of her again. I should have gotten her a ring. Why didn't I get her a god damn ring?
"I love you but we can't keep doing this to each other." She says and my eyes burn, I can't hold back any longer. With a pathetic sob, I break into full on hysterics.
"How will I survive without you? I can't. I won't. You can't just throw this away because you're going through some shit. Let me be here for you, don't push me away." I beg of her..
"I've been begging for the same since I met you," she whispers with a small smile.
"I know," I cry and my head drops to her knees. I need her comfort, I need the consistency that she always has always meant for me. "I'm sorry."
The flick of flames I have grown used to over the years have been extinguished by her cool demeanor. The flames have died out and with each sob that's torn from my body, the temperature drops. Within seconds, I've turned from fire to ice and I try desperately to cling onto the heat, the burn of her love for me but it slips away, just out of reach. Always just out of reach.
"We will be okay. When you snap out of this we will be okay," I tell myself. I have to think this way. I can't give up until she sees us. Until she feels what has always been between us.
She's simply forgotten, I try to convince myself. She's just forgotten and it's my job to remind her.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't fix you," there's a resolve in her voice that makes me shiver. My insides are twisting, freezing, becoming fucking glacial.
"Me too." The only ounce of comfort, only sliver of heat, comes from her fingers softly running over my hair. It's not enough, I'm still frigid and shaking.
I'm freezing and I've always hated the cold.
Tessa's POV.
"Who is paying for the funeral?" I ask my mother. I don't want to come off as insensitive or rude but I have no living grandparents and both of my parents were born as lone children. I know my mother can't afford a funeral, especially for my father and I worry that she has taken this on just to prove a point to her friends at church.
I don't want to wear this black dress that mother bought me, I don't want to wear these black high heeled shoes that she surely cannot afford, and most of all I don't want to see my father buried into the ground.
"I don't know," my mother hesitates, the tube of lipstick in her hand floats just above her lips as she makes eye contact with me in the mirror.
"You don't know?" I gaze at her. Her eyes are swollen, the evidence that she has been taking his death harder than she will ever admit.
"We don't need to be discussing financials, Theresa." She scolds, ending the conversation before giving me an answer.
I nod in agreement, not wanting to cause a fight with her. Not today. Today will be hard enough on her. I feel selfish and a little twisted that I can't bring myself to understand what he was thinking when he pushed that last needle into his vein. I know he was an addict and he was only doing what he spent years doing, but I still can't wrap my mind around it all.
In the last three days since seeing Hardin I have began to get my sanity back. Not completely, and part of me is terrified that I'll never be same again. He's been staying at the Porter's house for the last three nights.
This was a massive surprise me to, and to Mr. and Mrs. Porter I'm sure, they surely haven't spent much time around anyone who doesn't have a membership to the country club in town. I would have loved to see the expression on Mrs. Porter's face when Noah brought Hardin home to stay with them. I can't imagine Hardin and Noah getting along well, or at all, so I know how hurt Hardin must have been by my rejection if he was willing to take Noah up on his offer of staying at his house.
The heavy weight of my grief is still there, still hiding behind the barrier of nothing. I can feel it pushing at the wall, trying desperately to ruin me and push me over the edge. I was terrified that after Hardin's breakdown, the pain would win, but I am thankful for the opposite.
It's an odd thing, knowing that he's so close to this house but he hasn't tried to come by. I need the space and Hardin usually isn't very good at giving me space. Then again, I never wanted it before. Not like this. A knock on my mother's front door has me adjusting my black tights, and I glance in the mirror one last time. If I wasn't half mad, I would be more concerned about the difference in my appearance.
I lean closer to the mirror, examining my eyes. There is something different about them that I can't quite describe... they look, harder? Sadder? I'm not sure, but they match the pathetic excuse for a smile I try to give.
"Theresa!" My mother calls from the living room just as I reach the hallway. I expect to see Hardin, he's given me the space I've asked for but I suspected that he would come by today, the day of my father's funeral.
When I turn the corner, my body freezes and I'm surprised, a pleasant but excepted surprised to see Zed standing in the doorway. When his eyes meet mine, he looks very unsure of himself but when I feel my lips turning into a grin, his face splits into a bright smile. The one I love, the one where his tongue makes an appearance between his teeth and his eyes shine.
"What are you doing here?" I ask him as my arms wrap around his neck. He hugs me, too tight, and I cough dramatically before he lets up.
"Sorry," he grins. "It's been a while," he laughs and my mood is instantly brightened by the sound. I haven't been thinking of him, I feel almost guilty over the fact that his face hasn't entered my mind once in the last few weeks but I'm glad he's here. HIs presence is a reminder from the outside world, that the world hasn't stopped since my incredible loss. I don't want to admit which loss has been harder for me to cope with.
"It has," the reason for the distance between Zed and I pops into my mind, interrupting our greeting and I cautiously look out the front door. I'm trying to distance myself from Hardin and the last thing I need is a brawl on my mother's perfectly groomed lawn.
"Hardin is here," I inform him. "Well, not here in this house but he's a few doors down."
"I know," Zed says, not looking the least bit intimidated despite their bad history.
"You do?" My mother leaves Zed and I alone in the living room as she disappears into the kitchen. My mind begins to catch up with the realization that Zed is here. I haven't called him, how could he have known about my father? I suppose it may be on the news and online but why would he be looking in the first place?
"He called me," Zed's words have my head snapping up to look into his eyes. "He's the one who told me to come here and see you. You disconnected your phone so I had to take his word for it." The earlier uncertainty clouds his face again.
"That's okay right? You don't mind me coming here, do you? I can go if it's too much for you, he just said you needed a friend and I knew it had to be bad if he was calling me out of all people," he laughs but I know he's being serious. Why would Hardin call him instead of Landon? Landon is on his way here anyway, why would Hardin request Zed to come to me?
I can't help but feel as if this is some sort of set up, as if Hardin is testing me in some way. I hate the idea of that, that he would do that type of thing right now, but he's done worse. I can't allow myself to forget that he's done worse things, and there is always some sort of motive behind his actions.
I'm more hurt than anything by his proposal of marriage. He denied me of the chance of marriage since the beginning of our relationship and he only brought it up twice, both times when he wanted something. Once when he was too drunk to know what he was saying, and once in an attempt to make me stay. If I would have woken up next to him the next morning, he would have taken it back just like before. Like he always does. He's been nothing but broken promises since I've met him and the only thing worse than being with someone who doesn't believe in marriage, is being with someone who would marry me only to prove a point, not because he truly wants to be my husband.
I need to remember that or I will keep having these ridiculous thoughts. These thoughts that sneak in through out my days, of Hardin in a tuxedo. The picture causes me to laugh and tuxedo Hardin quickly shifts into jeans and boots, even on his wedding day but I think I would be okay with that.
Would have been. I have got to stop these fantasies, they aren't helping my sanity.
"Are you alright?" Zed's voice breaks through my pitiful thoughts.
"Yeah," I shake my head to rid the perfect image of Hardin smiling at me as I walk toward him. "I'm sorry, I'm a little out of it lately."
"That's okay, I would be worried if you weren't." He assures me and wraps a comforting arm around my shoulders.
"I can't believe you drove all the way here," what I mean is, "I can't believe Hardin called you to come here"
"You can't? Really?" He smiles, "I guess I didn't come off as desperate before as I thought," he teases and I almost laugh. If I wasn't so empty, I would tilt my head back in laughter right along with him.
When I think about it, I really shouldn't be surprised that he came all the way here to support me. The more I think of it, the more I remember. He was always there, even when I didn't need him to be. He was in the background, always in Hardin's shadow.
Hardin's POV.
"I don't think you should have called that guy. I really don't like him. I don't like you either, but he's even worse than you." Noah says from the couch across the massive living room of his parent's house.
"Shut up," I groan. He's so damn annoying. I don't know how Tessa could even stand him for all those years. I'm beginning to think she was hiding from him in that greenhouse instead of Richard. I wouldn't blame her, I'm tempted to do the same right now.
"I'm just saying. I don't understand why you called him if you hate him so much." He doesn't know when to shut up.
I hate this town for not having a hotel within twenty miles of Tessa's mum's house. "Because," I let out an annoyed breath. "She doesn't hate him. She trusts him even though she shouldn't and she needs some kind of friend right now since she won't see me."
"What about me? And Landon?" He asks. His finger pulls at the tab of a can of soda and it opens with a loud pop. Even the way he opens soda cans is obnoxious.
I don't want to tell him I'm worried that Tessa will run back to him, wanting the safe relationship with Noah instead of giving me another chance and when it comes to Landon, well, I'll never admit it but I sort of need him to be my friend. I have none and I kind of need him, in a way. A little.
A lot. I need him a-fucking-lot and except for Tessa, I have no one else and I barely have her so I can't lose him too.
"I still don't understand. If he likes her, why would you want him around her? You're obviously the jealous type and you know about stealing people's girlfriends better than anyone."
"Ha-ha," I roll my eyes and glance out the expansive windows covering the front wall of the house. The Porter's house is the biggest on this street, probably the biggest in the entire shit hole of a town. I want to ask Noah why he said he was glad that I took Tessa from him but then again, I don't want him getting the wrong impression here. I still hate his ass and I'm only allowing him to be around me because I need to give Tessa her space without going too far.
"Why do you care anyway? Why are you suddenly playing nice with me? I know you despise me, just the way I do you." I look over at him, dressed in his stupid fucking cardigan and brown dress shoes that should have a penny stuck to the front of them.
"I don't care about you, I care about Tessa. I just want her to be happy. It took me a long time to come to terms with everything that happened between us because I was so used to her. I was comfortable and conditioned to be that way so I couldn't understand why she would possibly want someone like you. I didn't get it and I still don't really, but I see how much she has changed since she met you. Not in a bad way either, it's a really good change." He smiles at me, "except this week, obviously."
How could he think that? I have done nothing but hurt her and tear her down since I crashed into her life.
"Well," I shift uncomfortably in the plush, oversized chair, "that's enough bonding here. Thanks for not being a dick." I stand to my feet and walk toward the kitchen. Noah's mum is in there, I can hear her chopping something in a blender and I have found entertainment in the way she fumbles with words and traces her fingernails over the cross around her neck each time I'm in the same room with her.
"Leave my mom alone or I'll kick you out." He warns me and I almost laugh. If I didn't miss Tessa so damn much, I would laugh along with the asshole.
"You're going to the funeral, right? You can ride with us if you want, we aren't leaving for another hour." He offers.
"No, I don't think that's a good idea." I shrug my shoulders and pick at the fringe along the bottom of my cast.
"Why not? You did pay for it, I think you should go."
"Stop talking about it and remember what I said about telling her I paid for the shit." I threaten. "Don't fucking do it."
He rolls his stupid blue eyes at me and I leave the room to torture his mum and get my mind off of Zed being in the same house as Tessa.
What was I thinking?
(I'm so sorry for the long wait! This week has been so hectic and busy for me, I haven't had time to update. I'm traveling Sunday-Thursday this week (in two days) so I won't be able to update then but I will update again tomorrow to help fill the void hah, thank you all for being so patient! I love you guys so much! xo)