Songs for this chapter are:
Sweet and low- Augustana
Only human- Christina Perri
Poison and Wine- The Civil Wars (I'm bringing back THE hessa song ha:)
Tessa's POV.
"You can use the shower here, you look like hell, girl." Kimberly says in a kind voice, despite her unflattering words. Hardin is still sitting at the table, a cup of coffee between his large hands. He has barely looked at me since I walked into the kitchen to find him talking to Smith. The idea of Hardin with Smith, spending time together as brothers, warms my heart.
"All of my clothes are in the rental car at that bar." I tell her. I want nothing more than a shower but I don't have any clothes to wear.
"You can wear something of mine," she suggests, even though we both know I could never fit into her clothes. "Or Christian's. He has some shorts and a shirt you-"
"No, hell no." Hardin interrupts, throwing Kimberly a hard glare as he stands to his feet. "I'll go get your shit. You aren't wearing his clothes."
Kimberly opens her mouth to argue but closes it before the words can come. I look at her with thankful eyes, grateful that a war won't be had in the kitchen of her hotel suite.
"How far is Gabriel's from here?" I ask, hoping one of them knows the answer.
"Ten minutes," Hardin answers and holds his hand out for the keys to the car.
"Can you drive?" I ask him. I made the drive back from Allhallows because of the excessive amount of alcohol he consumed only twelve hours ago and his eyes are still glassy.
"Yes," he clips. Kimberly's suggestion that I borrow Christian's clothing has turned him from sullen to pissed off in less than a minute.
"Do you want me to come? I could drive the rental back since you are driving Christian's c-" I begin to ask if I should go with him, considering everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours but I am quickly cut off.
"No. I'll be fine," his tone is impatient and I bite my tongue, literally, to keep from telling him off. I don't know what has gotten into me lately but I find it harder and harder to keep my mouth closed. This can only be a good thing for me, maybe not for Hardin, but certainly for me.
He leaves the suite without another word or so much as a glance back to me.
I stare at the wall for long, silent minutes before Kimberly's voice breaks my trance.
"How is he handling it?" She asks, leading me over to the table.
"Not well."
"I can see that. Burning a house down probably isn't the healthiest way to deal with anger," she says with not a single hint of judgment in her words.
"It's not his anger that I'm afraid of," I stare at the dark wood on the table, not willing to meet the eyes of my friend. "I can feel him withdrawing with every breath he takes. I know it's childish and selfish of me to even mention this to you because you are going through all of this and Christian is in trouble.." I trail off, deciding that it's better to keep my selfish thoughts to myself.
"Tessa," she places her hand on mine. "There is no rule that says only one person can feel pain at a time. You are going through this just as much as I am."
"I know but I don't want to bother you with my probl-"
"You aren't bothering me, spill." Kimberly presses.
I look up at her with the intent to stay quiet, to keep my complaints to myself, but she shakes her head as if she can read my mind. "He wants to stay here in London and I know if I let him, we will be finished."
"You two seem to have a different definition of finished than the rest of us," she smiles and I want to throw my arms around her neck for giving me such a warm smile in the middle of hell.
"I know it's hard to believe me when I say that given our.. history, but this whole thing with Christian and Anne will either be the nail in our coffin or our saving grace. I don't see any other outcome and now I'm afraid of what is to come,"
"You have too much weighing on you. Vent to me. Vent and vent some more. Nothing you say will make me think any less of you or anything. Like the selfish bitch I am, I need someone else's problems to distract me from my own issues right now."
I don't wait for Kimberly to change her mind, instead the flood gates open and the words pour from my mouth like uncontrollable, rushing waters, "Hardin wants to stay in London. He wants to stay here and send me back to Seattle like some burden that he can't wait to unload. He is withdrawing from me, like he always does every single time he is hurt and now he's gone off the deep end and he burned that house down and has absolutely no remorse. I know he's angry and I would never say this to him but he is making things worse for himself.
If he would just deal with his anger and admit that he can feel pain, admit that someone other than himself or me, is important in this world, he could get through this. He infuriates me because he tells me that he cannot live without me and he would rather die than lose me but as soon as the going gets tough, what does he do? He pushes me away. I'm not going to give up on him, I am far too deep for that now, but sometimes I just feel so tired of battling that I start to think what my life would have been like without him but when I start to picture it, I nearly collapse from the pain,"
I grab the half empty cup of coffee from the table and down it. My voice is better than a few hours ago but my ranting has taken it's toll on my sore throat.
"It doesn't make sense to me still, after all these months, all this turmoil, that I would rather do all of this," I wave my hand around the room in a dramatic gesture, "than be without him. The worst of times with him have been nothing compared to the best. I don't know if I'm delusional or insane, maybe both, but I love him more than myself, more than I ever thought possible and I just want him to be happy. Not for me, but for him.
I want him to look in the mirror and smile, not scowl. I need him to not think of himself as a monster, I need him to see the real him because if he doesn't pull himself out of the villain role, it will destroy him and I will just be left with ashes. Please don't tell him or even Christian any of this, I just needed to get it all out because I feel like I'm drowning and it's hard to keep myself above water, especially when I'm fighting against the current to save him rather than myself."
My voice cracks at that last bit and I'm a coughing mess as Kimberly speaks, "is that all? Or is there more before I give you my unwarranted advice?" She smiles at me and I hold a finger up.
"There's more," I clear my throat. "On top of all of this, I went to the doctor to get.. to get birth control," I nearly whisper the words and Kimberly tries her best not to laugh but fails.
"No need to whisper, spit it out!"
"Fine," I flush, "I got on birth control and my doctor did a quick scan of my cervix. He said that it's short, shorter than average and that he wants me to come in for more testing, but he mentioned infertility." I look over to see sympathy in her blue eyes.
"My sister has the same thing, they like to call it cervical incompetency, I think." she tells me. The idea of Kimberly knowing someone with the same problem I may have makes me feel better, a little.
"And does she have children?" I ask but instantly regret it as her face falls.
"I don't know if you want to hear about her right now. I could tell you another time," she says.
"Tell me," I shouldn't want to hear it but I can't help it. "Please," I beg her.
She takes a deep breath, "she struggled to get pregnant for years, it was terrible for her. They tried fertility treatments, anything you can find on google, her and her husband tried."
"And?" I press her to hurry along, I remind myself of Hardin right now, rudely interrupting her. I hope he is on his way back now. In this state, Hardin can't be left to his own devices.
"Well she finally was able to get pregnant, it was the happiest day of her life." Kimberly looks away from me and I know she's either lying or leaving something out for my sake.
"What happened? How old is the baby now?" I ask.
"She was four months along when she miscarried," she finally admits. "But that is only what happened to her, don't get yourself distraught over her story. You may not even have the same thing she has and if you do, things may be different for you."
"I have this feeling, just this gut feeling that I won't be able to get pregnant. The moment the doctor mentioned infertility it was like it just clicked."
"You don't know for sure and not to be a downer but Hardin doesn't want kids anyway, right?"
Even with the small knife twisting into my chest from her words, I feel better now that I have told someone about my worries. "He doesn't. He doesn't want children or marriage with me."
"Were you hoping he would change his mind?" She asks.
"Yes, sadly I was. I was almost sure he would, not right now of course but years from now. I thought maybe if he was older and we both were finished with college he would eventually change his mind but now that seems even more delusional than before." I feel my cheeks flush in embarrassment. I can't believe I'm actually saying these things aloud.
"I know I sound ridiculous worrying over children at my age but being a mother was always something I wanted since I can remember. I don't know if it's because my mother and father weren't the best parents, but I have always felt this urge, this need, to be a mother. Not just a mother but a really good one, a mother that would love her children unconditionally, I would never judge them or belittle them. I would never pressure them or humiliate them. I wouldn't try to mold them into a better version of myself," at first I felt insane but Kimberly is nodding along to everything I am saying, making me feel like maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way.
"I think I would be a good mother, if I was ever given the chance and the idea of a little brown haired, gray eyed little girl running into Hardin's arms literally brings my heart to my throat. I imagine it sometimes, I know it's stupid but sometimes I picture them sitting there, both of them with unruly wavy hair," I laugh at the ludicrous vision, a vision that I have imagined too many times since my appointment than could possibly be considered normal, "he would read to her and carry her on his shoulders and she would have him wrapped around her finger." I smile a forced smile, trying to erase the sweet image from my head.
"But he doesn't want that and now that he has learned about Christian being his father, I know he never, ever will," I finish my venting and tuck my hair behind my ears. I made it through of all that without a single tear, I can't help but be proud of myself.
"You haven't told him about your appointment?" Kimberly asks.
"No, I need to know for certain before I say anything to him and now that everything has blown up here, I'm glad that I kept it to myself." I sigh, glancing at the clock on the wall. Hardin should be back any minute. I need to pull myself together before he comes back, he's already distant enough. The mention of children will have him a mile away before the door even closes behind him.
Hardin's POV.
"That you would stay with me forever," Tessa said against my chest. Why would she possibly want forever with me? What would that even be like? Tessa and I in our forty's with no children, no marriage, just the two of us?
That would be perfect, for me. That would be my absolute ideal future but I know that would never be enough for her. We've had the same argument too many times to count and I know that she would be the first to cave because I never would. She would give up having children and a marriage for me.
What kind of father would I be? A shitty one, that's for damn sure. I can't get through the question in my mind without laughing, it's ridiculous to even consider. As fucked up as this trip has been, it's been a giant fucking wake up call for me when it comes to my relationship with Tessa. I've always tried to warn her, tried to keep her from going down with me but I never tried hard enough.
If I'm being honest, I know I could have pushed harder to keep her safe from me but selfishly, I couldn't. Now seeing the way that her life will be with me, I have no other choice. This trip has cleared the fog from my head and miraculously I have been granted the opportunity to have a free card here. I can send her back to America and she can go on with her life without me. The heavy, overbearing pain that is settling comfortably above my ribs can be easily numbed by an excessive amount of liquor.
Tessa's future with me is nothing but a lonely, black hole for her. I would get everything I wanted from her. Her constant love and affection for years and years, but she would be left unfulfilled and as every year passes she will resent me more and more for depriving her of what she truly wanted. I might as well cut out the middle man and save her the wasted time.
When I arrive at Gabriel's, I quickly throw Tessa's bag into the backseat and head back to Kimberly's hotel. I need a plan, a solid fucking plan that I will actually stick to. She is too stubborn and too in love with me to just give up on me.
That's her problem, she's one of those people who will give and give without taking, and the fucked up truth is that people like her are the easiest prey for someone like me who takes and takes until there is nothing left. That's what I have done since the beginning and that's what I will always do.
She will try to convince me otherwise of course, I know she will. She will say that marriage isn't important anymore but she will be lying to herself in order to keep me around. That really says a lot about me, that I have manipulated her into loving me this unconditionally. The masochist in me starts to doubt her love as I pull out of the parking lot to head back to the hotel.
Does she love me as much as she says or is she addicted to me? There is a heady difference and the more shit she puts up with from me, the more it seems like an addiction, the thrill of waiting for me to fuck up again so she can be there to fix me.
That's what this is, she must see me as a project, someone she can fix. The conversation has come up before, more than once but she refused to admit it. I fish through my memories for a specific one and finally find it through my muddled, hung-over brain.
..
"Hardin?" Tessa looked up at me with worried eyes. It was right after my mum left to go back to London after Christmas.
"Yeah?" I asked through the pen between my teeth.
"Will you help me take this tree down when you're finished working?" I wasn't actually working, I was writing but she didn't know that. We had a long and interesting day that day, I had caught her coming back from lunch with fucking Trevor then I bent her over her desk and fucked her senseless.
"Yes, just give me a minute." I tucked the pages away, afraid that she would see them while cleaning up, and stood to help her take down the tiny tree she decorated with my mum.
"What are you working on anyway? Is it anything good?" She asked, reaching for the tattered binder she constantly nagged about.
"Nothing," I jerked it from her hands before she could open it. She pulled back, obviously surprised and a little hurt by my actions.
"Sorry," she quietly said. A deep frown set across her beautiful face and I tossed the binder on the couch and reached for her hands. "I was just asking, I didn't mean to pry or upset you." She told me. Fuck, I was such a prick. I still am.
"It's fine, just don't mess with my work shit. I don't.." I couldn't come up with an excuse as to why she shouldn't because I had let her in the past. Whenever I came across a draft that I knew she would like, I would let her read over it. She loved when I did that and there I was scolding her for doing it now.
"Okay," she turned away from me and started to pull the ornaments off of the hideous tree.
I stared at her back for a few minutes, wondering why I was so angry. If she read what I was writing, how would she feel? Would she like it? Or would she be appalled and throw a fit? I didn't know and I still don't, that's why she still has no clue about it to this day.
"Okay? That's all you have to say?" I picked at her, wanting a fight. Fighting was better than ignoring each other and shouts were better than silence.
"I won't mess with your things anymore. I didn't know you would be so upset," she still didn't turn to look at me.
"I.." I was struggling to find something to fight about. "Why are you even with me? After everything that happened? Is it the drama that you like?"
"What?" She finally turned around, a small snowflake shaped ornament in her hands. "Why are you starting a fight with me? I said I wouldn't touch your things anymore,"
"I'm not starting a fight," I lied. "I just want to know because it seems like you are addicted to the drama and up and downs more than anything." I knew it wasn't fair to say that to her but I said it anyway. I was in a mood and wanted her to join me.
"You know that isn't true," she stepped toward me, dropping the ornament into the box next to the tree. "I love you, even when you are looking for a fight with me. I hate the drama, you know that. I love you for you, end of story." She leaned up on her toes to kiss my cheek and I wrapped my arms around her.
"Why do you love me then? I do nothing for you," I argued. The scene I caused at Vance earlier that day was fresh in my mind.
She took a patient breath and rested her head against my chest, "this," she tapped her index finger over my heart, "that's why, now please stop trying to fight me. I have a paper to work on and this tree won't put itself away." She was so gentle with me, so understanding, even when I didn't deserve it.
"I love you," I said into her hair and moved my hands to her hips. She molded into me, letting me lift her into my arms and she wrapped her legs around my waist as I carried her across the living room to the couch.
"I love you, always. Don't doubt me, I will always love you," she assured me with her mouth against mine.
I undressed her slowly, savoring every inch of her sexy curves. I loved the way her eyes went wide as I rolled the condom on. That same afternoon she was nervous about me fucking her while she had her period, but her chest was moving up and down with rapid as I began to stroke myself in front of her, impatient breathes and a small whine was all it took for me to stop teasing her. I moved between her thighs and pushed into her slowly, she was so wet and tight, I lost myself in her and I still can't remember how that damn tree got stored away.
..
I have been doing this too much lately, dwelling on happy memories from my time with her. My hands are shaking, gripping the steering wheel as I pull myself from my mind, her moans and whimpers fade away as I force myself back to the present.
I'm waiting in a slow line of traffic, only a few miles away from Tessa. I need to solidify my plan of action and make sure her ass is on that plane tonight. It's a late flight, not departing until nine so she will have plenty of time to make it to Heathrow. Kimberly will take her there, I know she will. My head still hurts, the liquor is making a slow departure from my body and I still feel a little tipsy. Not so much so that I can't drive but my mind isn't all there.
"Hardin!" A familiar voice says my name. The voice is muffled by my window so I quickly roll it down. Every time I turn around someone from my past is there, calling my name.
"Holy shit!" I yell to the car next to me. My old friend Mark is in the next lane. If this isn't a sign from above I don't know what is.
"Pull over!" He shouts back, a wide grin across his face. I pull Vance's rental car into the parking lot of an ice-cream shop and he parks next to me.
He's out of his piece of shit car before I am and he rushes over to yank my door open.
"You're back and you didn't even tell me?" He yells, patting me on the shoulder. "And damn, tell me this beamer is a rental, or did you get rich on me?"
"It's a long story, but it's a rental."
"Are you back for good or what?" He asks. His brown hair is cropped short now but his eyes are just as glossy as they always were.
"Yeah, I am back for good." I answer him, settling it. I am staying here and she's going back, simple as that.
I'm a fucking idiot for trying to convince myself that this will be simple.
"Where are your fucking rings? You took them out?" He studies my face. I do the same, noting that he now has snakebites.
"Yeah, I got sick of them." I respond with a shrug.
"Damn, you look so different. It's fucking crazy. It's been what, two years? Three? Hell I've been high for the last ten years so I couldn't tell you," he laughs and digs into his pocket to pull out a pack of smokes.
I decline when he offers me one and he raises a brow at me. "What are you like straight edge now?" He accuses.
"No, I just don't want a fucking cigarette." I snap at him. He laughs the way he always did when I would get this way with him. He was always the leader of our little group of delinquents. He was older than me, only by a year but I always looked up to him in a way and wanted to be like him. That's why when an even older guy named James came along and him and Mark started the games, I jumped right in. It didn't bother me really, the way they treated girls, even when they taped them without their knowledge.
"You're a bitch now, aren't you?" He smiles, his lit cigarette between his teeth.
"Fuck off. You're high right now, aren't you?" I ask him. I knew he would always be this way, always high and stuck in his glory days of fucking loads of chicks and staying high.
"Nah, I'm coming off of a long night though," he grins, obviously proud of himself as he remembers whatever or whoever he did last night. "Where you headed now? You staying at your mum's?"
My chest tightens at the mention of my mum and her house that I burned to the ground. "No, I'm staying between places."
"Oh, got it." He says. He doesn't get it though. "If you need a place to crash you can stay at my place. James is my roommate, he would get a kick out of seeing your grown ass too," he offers.
I can hear Tessa's voice in my head now, begging me not to go down this familiar, easy road, but I ignore her protests and nod in agreement. In my half-drunk state, I find it amusing that when her voice is finally the only one in my head, I'm too far gone to listen.
"I need a favor actually," I tell him.
"I can find you anything you need, James sells the shit now." Mark responds.
"That isn't what I meant," I roll my eyes. "I need you to follow me to my hotel so I can drop something off then take me back to Gabriel's to get my rental car." I will have to extend the time slots, if they will allow it. Irresponsibly, I choose to pretend that I don't have an entire apartment and car back in Washington. I'll figure that shit out later.
"Then you'll come to my flat?" He asks. "Wait, who are you dropping shit off to?" He catches on. Even high, he didn't miss that detail.
There is no fucking way in hell I am telling Mark about Tessa, no fucking way. "Just some chick," I feel the burn in my throat as I lie about her. "some chick" couldn't be further from who she is to me but Mark doesn't need to know that.
"Is she hot? I can wait outside while you fuck her again, or maybe she will let me-" he says, climbing into his car.
My vision goes red and I take a few breathes to calm down, "No, fuck no. Not happening. You'll stay in the car. I'm not even going inside," I tell him. He doesn't look convinced, "I mean it. If you get out of the fucking car and go anywhere near-"
"Dude, chill the fuck out! I'll stay in the car!" He shouts. He's still laughing and shaking his head as he follows me out of the parking lot and back onto the street.
Tessa's POV.
"He's been gone for over an hour." I try to call him again. My phone has a little battery now, thanks to the car charger in Christian's rental.
"He's probably just taking his time," Kimberly says but I can see the doubt in her eyes as she tries to comfort me.
"He's not answering his phone either. If he went back to that bar.." I stand up and pace across the sitting room.
"He will probably pull up any minute," she says, still unconvinced as she opens the door and peeks out. "Tessa," she says my name, her voice sounds off.
"What? What is it?" Is Hardin in the hallway? Relief crashes over me but as I walk up to Kimberly and she bends down to grab my suitcase from the floor, dread takes over, bringing me to my knees.
I barely feel Kimberly's arms around me as I open the front pocket of the suitcase. An airline ticket, only one, is there, along with Hardin's keychain with the keys to his car and apartment still on it.
(Just to explain, anything in italics is a flashback, a few of you were confused before so I figured I would explain. I hope you all had a great weekend! Mine went too quick! I love you all, please vote, even if you're mad at Hardin and Tessa:)