Hardin's POV.
I scan through the pages of the small notebook, my eyes move across the words quickly as I decide where to start. It's a journal from her religion class, it took me a minute to figure out what the hell it was because each entry is labeled with a word and a date, most of them having nothing to do with religion.
Pain. The word catches my eye and I begin to read.
Does pain turn people away from their God? If so, how?
Pain can turn anyone away from just about anything. Pain is capable of causing you to do things you would never consider doing, such as blaming God for your pain.
Pain.. such a simple word that holds so much inside. I have come to learn that pain is the strongest emotion one can feel. Unlike every other emotion, there is no upside to pain, no positive notion that can make you look at the pain from a different perspective, there is only pain. Lately I have become very well acquainted with pain, the ache has nearly become unbearable. Sometimes when I'm alone, which is more often than not as of recently, I find myself trying to decide which type of pain is worse. The answer isn't as simple as I thought it would be. The slow and steady aching pain, the type of pain that comes when you've been hurt repeatedly by the same person yet here you are, here I am, allowing the pain to continue, it never ends. Only in those rare moments when he pulls me to his chest and makes promises that he never seems able to keep, does the pain disappear. Just as I get used to the freedom, my freedom my self inflicted pain, it returns with another blow.
This doesn't have a damn thing to do with religion, this is about me.
I have decided that the hot, burning, inescapable pain is the worst. This pain comes when you finally begin to relax, you finally breathe, thinking that the pain is yesterday's problem when in fact it's today's problem, tomorrow's, and every day after that. This pain comes when you pour everything into something, into someone, and they betray you so suddenly that the pain crushes you and you feel as if you are barely breathing, barely holding on to that small fraction of whatever is left inside of you begging you to go on, not to give up.
Fuck.
Sometimes it's faith that people hold onto, sometimes, if you're lucky enough you can confide in someone else and trust them to pull you out of the pain before you dwell in it for too long. Pain is one of those hideous places that once visited you have to fight your way out and even when you think you have escaped you are permanently branded. If you're like me, you don't have anyone to depend on, no one to take your hand and assure you that you will make it through this hell. Instead, you have to lace up your boots, grab your own hand, and pull yourself out.
My eyes move to the date at the top of the page, this was written while I was in England. I shouldn't read any more, I should just put the damn book down and never open it again but I can't. I have to know what else was written in this book of secrets. This is the closest to her I fear that I will ever fucking get. I turn to another page labeled "Faith".
What does faith mean to you? Do you have faith in something higher? Do you believe that faith can bring good things into people's lives?
This should be better, this entry should knife the ache in my chest. This one couldn't be related to me.
To me, faith means believing in something other than yourself. I don't believe that any two people can possibly hold the same view on faith whether their only faith is religion based or not. I do believe in something higher, I was raised that way. My mother and I went to church every single Sunday and most Wednesday's. I don't go to church now, which I probably should but I'm still deciding how I feel about my religious faith as an adult without my mother's influence.
When I think about faith my mind doesn't automatically go to religion, it probably should but it just doesn't. It goes to him, everything does. He is my every thought, I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing but that's the way it is and I have faith that it will work out for us in the end. Yes, he's difficult and overprotective, sometimes even controlling.. okay, he's often controlling but I have faith in him that he means well with each frustrating action. My relationship with him tests me in ways that I never thought imaginable but every second is worth it. I have faith that one day the deep fear of losing me will dissolve and he will embrace our future together, that's all I want. I know he wants it too, though he would never say it. I have so much faith in that man that I will take every single tear, every single pointless argument, I'll take it all just to be around for the day when he has faith in himself. I have faith that one day Hardin will say what he feels openly and honestly, finally putting an end to his self-imposed exile.
I have faith that one day he will finally see that he isn't a villain. He tries so hard to be one but deep down he's really a hero. He's been my hero, my tormenter at times, but mostly my hero. He saved me from myself, I spent my life pretending to be someone I wasn't and Hardin has shown me that it's okay to be myself. I don't have to conform to the person my mother wanted me to be and I thank him dearly for it. I have faith that he will see how truly incredible he is, he's so incredibly perfectly imperfect and I love him so much for that. He may not show it the conventional way but he tries and that's all I can ask for from him. I have faith that if he continues to try, he will finally allow himself to be happy. I will continue to have faith in him until he stops trying.
I close the book and pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to control my emotions. She had all of this faith in me for no damn reason. I'll never understand why she wasted her time on me in the first place but reading her unguarded thoughts this way twists the knife, removes it, and impales it into my chest once more.
The realization that Tessa is just like me frightens me and thrills me at the same time. Knowing that everything in her world revolves... revolved around me makes me happy, even giddy, but when I'm reminded that I fucking blew it, the happiness disappears just as fast as it came. I owe it to her and to myself to be different.. not better really.. just different. I owe it to her to try to let go of my anger. Oddly enough I feel as if a weight has been lifted since my awkward conversation with my father. I wouldn't go as far as to say that everything is forgiven or we will suddenly become pals, watching games together and shit but I do hate him less than I did before.
I'm more like my father than I care to admit, I've tried to leave Tessa for her own good but I have yet to be strong enough to do so, so in a way he's stronger than me. He actually left and didn't come back. If I had a child with Tessa and I knew I would fuck up their lives, I would want to leave too.
Fuck that. The thought of having a child makes me nauseous. I would be the worst possible father and Tessa really would be better off on her own. I can't even show her love the way that I should, let alone a child.
"Enough of that," I sigh, standing to my feet. I walk into the kitchen and open the cabinet. The half empty bottle of vodka on the shelf is calling my name, begging me to open it.
I really am a fucking drunk. I'm hovered over the kitchen counter with a fucking bottle of vodka in my hands. I twist the top off and bring the bottle to my lips. Just one drink will cause the guilt to go away. If I have one drink I can force myself to pretend Tessa will be home soon. It has worked before to numb the pain, it will work this time. One drink.
Just as I close my eyes and tilt my head back, Tessa's teary eyes flash behind mine. I open my eyes, turn the sink faucet on, and pour the vodka down the drain.
Tessa's POV.
"Hey," Dan stands in front of me while I lean onto the counter.
"Hey," my reply comes so slow.
"Are you okay?" He smiles and I nod. I think so.
"I feel weird, sort of." I admit and scan the room for Zed. I hope he comes back soon.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know, like I feel.. odd. Like drunk but slower, but then I have this energy at the same time." I wave my hand in front of my face.. I have three hands.
"You must have had a lot to drink." Dan laughs and I nod again.
"Is Zed coming back?" I ask him.
"Where did he go?"
"To find Steph about my drink," I lean further onto the counter.
"He did? Hmm, I can help you find him. I think I saw him go upstairs."
"Okay," I don't think I like Dan but I need to find Zed because my head is getting heavier and heavier.
I follow slowly behind Dan as he pushes through the crowd and toward the stairs. The music is so loud now and I find my head moving slowly back and forth, back and forth as I climb the steps.
"Is he up here?" I ask him.
"Yeah, he just went in here I think." He nods his head toward the door across the hall.
"That's Hardin's room." I inform him and he shrugs. "Can I just sit here for a minute? I can't walk anymore, I think." My feet feel heavy but my mind is sharpening, it makes no sense to me.
"Here, you can sit in here." Dan grabs ahold of my arm and leads me into Hardin's old room. I sit on the edge of the bed and memories mold and swirl in the air around me. Hardin and I sitting on the bed, the same spot I'm sitting in now, I kissed him for the first time. I was so overwhelmed and confused by my growing need to be close to him. That was the first time I got a glimpse of the softer, kinder Hardin. He didn't stay long but it was nice to meet him.
"Where is Hardin?" I ask and Dan chuckles.
"Oh, Hardin isn't here and you said you were sure he wasn't coming remember?" He closes the door and locks it behind him.
What is going on? My mind reels with the possibilities but my body feels too heavy to move. I want to lay down but the alarm screeching through my head tells me to fight it. Don't lay down. Keep your eyes open.
"Open the door." I try to stand but the room begins to spin.
On cue, there is a knock at the door. Relief floods over me when the door opens to reveal Steph.
"Steph, he's.. he's doing something." I don't know how to explain it but I know he was going to do something.
"Doing what?" She looks at him and he gives her a sinister smile.
"Steph," I call for her again. I need her to help me leave this haunted room.
"Stop whining." She snaps and I lose my breath.
"What?" I manage to say and she smiles up at Dan while she digs her hand through the bag over her shoulder.
"God, do you ever shut up? I'm so sick of hearing you bitch and complain all the damn time."
My brain isn't working correctly, Steph wouldn't say these things to me.
"Ugh, and that stupid innocent pout, like give it a fucking break already." She rolls her eyes. "Found it, here." She hands a small object to Dan and I hear a beep while I try to keep my eyes open.
The cherry vodka sour, Steph, Dan, Molly, Zed. The party. Oh no.
"What did you do?" I ask her and she laughs again.
"Didn't I tell you to stop whining? You'll be fine," she groans and walks toward the bed.
It's a camera in Dan's hand.
"Get away from me." I try to yell but it comes out merely a whisper. I try to stand to my feet but I stumble back to the bed.
"I thought you.." I begin. Steph puts her hands on my shoulders and pushes me back against the mattress. I can't get back up.
"You thought what? I was your friend?" She kneels on the bed, hovering over me. Steph's fingers grip the fabric of the bottom of my dress and begins to push it up my thighs.
"You were too busy being a whore going back and forth between Zed and Hardin to realize that I've actually always despised you. Don't you think if I really gave a shit about you I would have told you that Hardin was only dating you to win a bet? Don't you think a friend would have warned you?" She's right and once again my idiocy is proven.
"Oh and by the way, I hope you had fun waiting on Hardin to show up on his birthday." Steph laughs.
I try to fight her off but it's impossible. She easily removes my fingers from her arms and continues. I close my eyes and imagine Hardin bursting through the door to rescue me, my knight in black armor.
"Hardin will find out," I threaten.
"That's the point, now stop talking." Another knock sounds at the door and I pointlessly try to push her off of me again.
"Close the door, hurry." Dan says. When I look toward the door, I'm not surprised to find that Molly has joined us.
"Help me get her dress off." Steph says.
My eyes flutter and I try to shake my head but it doesn't work. Dan is going to force himself upon me, I know it. This is Steph's plan for this party. It was never a going away party for me. I have no idea why I ever thought she was my friend.
Molly's hair falls onto my face when she climbs onto the bed next to me and Steph pushes me up and over to have better access to the back of my dress.
"Why?" My voice is broken and I'm vaguely aware of the tears on my cheeks, now soaking the sheets on the bed. Where is the blanket?
"Your asshole boyfriend taped himself fucking my sister, that's why." My scalp prickles at Dan's words.
"Woah, I thought you said you were only taking some pictures of her!" Molly's voice is loud.
"We are.. maybe a little video." Steph responds.
"No way! Hell no dude, you can't have him rape her!" Molly squeaks.
"He's not, jesus. I'm not like psychotic. He's just going to touch her and make it look like they are fucking so when Hardin sees the tape he fucking loses it. Just picture his face when he sees his innocent little whore of a girl friend getting fucked by Dan." Steph laughs. "I thought you were into this? You said you were." Steph hisses at Molly.
"I am into pissing him off but you can't tape this shit." Molly whispers but I can hear her clear as day. This is a turn of events that I never saw coming.
"You sound like her," Steph turns me back over after removing my dress completely.
"Stop." I whimper. Steph rolls her eyes and Molly looks like she may vomit any second.
"I don't know about this anymore." Molly panics.
"Then get out, it's not going to take long anyway. If you're going to be a pussy about it then go downstairs and I'll be down in like ten minutes."
Another knock hits the door and I hear Tristan's voice. Not him too.
"Steph are you in there?" He says through the wood.
"Shit." Steph mutters. "Yeah, uhm I'm talking to Molly, I'll be out in a minute." She lies and I open my mouth to scream but her hand clamps down over my mouth to silence me.
I try to look at Molly for help but she turns away. Coward.
"Go downstairs babe, I'll be down soon. She's.. she's upset. Girl stuff, you know?" She continues to lie and despite all of this mess I can't help but be relieved that Tristan seems oblivious to his cruel girlfriend's intentions.
"Okay!" He shouts.
"Come over here." Steph quietly instructs Dan. "Open your eyes." She says and touches my cheek.
My eyes are open, barely, and I feel Dan's hand trail up my thigh. I ignore her instructions and close my eyes again.
"I'm going downstairs." Molly finally says when Dan brings the small camera in front of his face.
"Fine, lock the door." Steph snaps.
"Move over," Dan says and the bed shifts under me when Steph climbs off and Dan takes her place. "You hold it."
I try my hardest to replace Dan's hands with Hardin's in my mind but it's impossible. Dan's hands are soft, too soft, not calloused and rough like Hardin's. The door closes signaling Molly's exit and I whimper again.
"He's going to hurt you," I choke, keeping my eyes tightly closed.
"Nah, he won't. He will want to make sure no one sees this so he won't do shit." Dan replies, tracing along the top of my panties.
"Hardin is a dick okay? And he's always fucking with people, he fucked with Dan's sister, he fucked with me, he led so many girls on, fucked them, then tossed them aside. Until you that is, which will never make sense to me why he likes you so much." Her tone is full of disgust.
"Tessa!" Zed's voice booms between my ears and Steph covers my mouth again as he pounds on the door.
"Shut up." She commands and I try to bite her hand. She reaches across and slaps me across the face but I barely feel it.
"Open the fucking door Steph, I know what you're doing!" Zed shouts. Is he in on this too? Was Hardin right about him?
"I'll break the door, I'm not fucking around. Go get Tristan!" I hear him yell and Steph immediately removes her hand from my mouth.
"Wait!" She yells but it's too late. The door opens with a loud snap and Dan's hand is no longer on me. When I open my eyes he's backing away from me quickly as Zed strides across the room.
"What the fuck!" A blanket is placed on top of me and I try to reach for Zed.
"Help me." I beg him, and pray that he isn't involved in this. he doesn't hear me.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He stalks toward Steph and grabs the small camera from her hands. He drops it to the ground and stomps on it repeatedly.
"Chill out, it was a joke." She crosses her arms in front of her as Tristan enters the room.
"A joke? You put something in her drink and you're up here with a video camera while Dan tries to take advantage of her! That's not a joke!"
"What?" Tristan gapes.
"Don't listen to him!" Steph cries on command, she's quite the manipulator.
"It's true, go ask Jace. She asked him for a benzo and now look at Tessa! The camera they were using is right there," Zed points to the ground and I try to sit up again, I fail.
"It was a prank, no one was going to hurt her!" Steph says.
"How could you do that to her? I thought she was your friend?" Tristan asks his girlfriend.
"It's not as bad as it seems, it was Dan's idea!"
"What the fuck! No it wasn't! It was yours, she has a fucked up obsession with Hardin, it was her idea." Dan points to Steph and Tristan shakes his head.
He turns to leave the room and Steph chases after him. "Get away from me! We're done." He yells and disappears from the room.
"Thanks a fucking lot!!" She yells and I want to laugh at the irony of her doing this then blaming everyone else.
"Are you okay?" Zed's face is now above mine.
"No," I admit, feeling dizzier than ever. At first it was only my body that was slow, my mind was clouded slightly but now I can feel my mind becoming more and more effected.
"I'm sorry I left you alone, I should have known better." One of his arms hooks under my legs and the other settles across my back as he lifts me from the bed.
"Cover her, it's the least you can do." Zed barks at Dan.
I feel the blanket on my skin again.
"I hope when he finds out he fucking kills you, you deserve it." Zed calls behind him to Dan as we leave the room.
I'm slightly aware of all the gasps and whispers as Zed carries me through the house. I don't care though, I just want to be out of this house and never look back.
"What the hell?' I recognize Logan' voice.
"Can you go upstairs and get her dress and purse?"
"Yeah, sure man." Logan responds.
The cold air hits me and I shiver. Zed tries to tuck the blanket against me but it keeps slipping. I'm not any help, I can barely move my arms.
"I'm going to call Hardin as soon as we get into the truck, okay?"
"No, don't." I groan. Hardin will be so mad at me, the last thing I want is to be screamed at when I can barely keep my eyes open.
"Tessa, I really think I should call him."
"Please, no." I begin to cry again. Hardin is the only person I want to see right now but I don't want to know how he will react.
"Don't tell him." I say again. "None of it, shh."
"He will find out, too many people know."
"No, please."
I hear Zed's frustrated sigh as he shifts my body into one arm so he can pull the passenger door to his truck open.
"Here's her stuff. Is she okay?" Logan is back. These seats are cold.
"Yeah, I think so. She's on benzo."
"What the hell?"
"It's a long story, have you taken it before?" Zed asks Logan.
"Yeah once, but only half and I passed out after an hour. You better hope she doesn't start hallucinating. Some people have crazy reactions to that stuff."
"Shit." Zed groans and I can picture him twisting his lip ring between his fingers.
"Does Hardin know?" Logan questions.
"Not yet."
The two of them continue to discuss me as if I'm not there and I am relieved when the heat finally shifts from blowing cold air to warm.
"I need to get her home." Zed finally says and within seconds he is in the truck with me.
"If you don't want me to tell him, where do you want to go? You can come to my place but you know how pissed he will be." If I could form an actual sentence I would tell him about our breakup but since I can't, I make a sound between a cry and cough.
"My mother, call her."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, no Hardin. Please." I breath.
I try to focus on Zed's voice as the truck begins to move down the street but I keep getting distracted by attempting to stay sitting up straight, within minutes I'm laying across the seat.
"I'm taking you to your mom's house, okay?" He asks me when the phone call ends.
I nod and close my eyes again.
Hardin's POV.
Love.
Love is the single most important emotion one can hold. Whether it's your love for God or your love for another, it's the most powerful, overwhelming, incredible experience. The moment when you realize that you are capable of loving someone else more than yourself is quite possibly the most important moment in your life. It was for me anyway. I love Hardin more than myself, more than anything. He..
My phone vibrates on the coffee table for the fifth time in the last two minutes. I finally decide to answer it so I can tell her off.
"What the fuck do you want?" I snap into the speaker.
"It's.."
"Spit it out Molly, I don't have time for your shit."
"It's about Tessa."
"What the hell are you talking about?" I stand to my feet and the journal falls to the floor.
"She's... look, don't freak out but Steph slipped her something and Dan is,"
"Where are you?" My blood is ice cold.
"The frat house." She sharply replies and I hang up the phone, grab my keys, and rush out of the apartment.
(After 3 is now rated R so save it to your library now in case it becomes harder to find! Ily all! xo)