Hardin's POV.
"I'm sure you can find somewhere to stay until Monday." I say to her. My mouth keeps saying shit that my mind doesn't want it to but it's like I have absolutely no control over it.
Obviously I don't want her to leave, I want to pull her into my arms and kiss her hair. I want to tell her that I will do anything for her, I will change for her and love her until I die. Instead, I turn on my heel and leave her standing alone.
I hear her rustling around the room and I know I should go in there and stop her from packing but what's the point really? She's leaving Monday anyway, she may as well leave now. I'm still astounded that she brought up trying a long distance relationship. It would never work, her being hours away from me, only calling once or twice a day, not sleeping in the same bed. I couldn't do it.
I'll be doing it regardless but at least if our relationship is terminated, I won't feel guilty for drinking and doing whatever the hell I choose. It's not even that I want to do anything else, I would rather sit on the couch and have her force me to watch Friends over and over than spend one minute doing something without her.
Minutes later she appears in the hallway dragging two suitcases behind her, her purse is slung over her shoulder and her face is pale.
"I don't think I forgot anything except some books but I'll just get new copies." She says in a low shaky voice.
This is it, this is the moment I have feared since the day I met this girl. She's leaving me and here I am doing nothing to stop her.
"Okay,"
"Okay." She gulps and squares her shoulders. When she reaches the door, she raises her arm to grab her keys from the hook and her purse slides down her shoulder. I don't know what is wrong with me, I should stop her or help her but I can't.
"Well that's it then, all the fighting, the crying, the love making, the laughs, everything, it was all for nothing." She says softly, no anger appears in her tone.
I nod, unable to speak. If I speak I will make this one hundred times harder on the both of us, I know I will.
She shakes her head and opens the door, holding it open with her foot so she can drag the suitcases behind her.
"I will always love you, I hope you know that." She says so quietly that it's barely audible.
Stop talking Tessa, please.
"And someone else will too, hopefully as much as I do."
"Shh," I gently coax. I can't listen to this.
"You won't always be alone, I know I said that but if you just get some help or something, learn to control your anger you could find some.." She tries to assure me and I swallow the bile rising in my throat.
"Go, just go." I shut the door in her face and hear her sharp intake of breath on the other side of the wood. I just slammed the door in her face, what the fuck is wrong with me?
I begin to panic and let the pain course through me. I held it for so long, barely controlled, until she walked away. My fingers go to my hair, my knees hit the concrete floor and I simply don't know what to do with myself. I'm officially the world's largest fuck up and there is nothing I can do about it. It sounds so simple, just go to Seattle with her and live happily ever after, but it's not that damn simple. Everything will be different there, she will be busy with her internship and new classes, she will make new friends, experience new things and forget about me. She won't need me anymore.
What?
For the first time I realize just how selfish I am. Make new friends? What is so bad about her making new friends and experiencing new things? I would be there, right next to her, experiencing them too. Why did I go to such lengths to keep her from Seattle instead of embracing this opportunity for her? That's all she wanted from me and I couldn't fucking deliver.
If I call her right now she will turn the car around and I can pack my shit and find us somewhere, anywhere, to live in Seattle.
No she won't, she won't turn around. She gave me the chance to stop her and I didn't even try. She even tried to make me feel better while I was watching every ounce of faith she had in me die right in front of my eyes. I should have been comforting her but instead I slammed the door in her face.
"You won't always be alone," she said. She's wrong, I will be alone but she won't be. She will find someone to love her, the way that I couldn't. No one will ever love that girl more than me but perhaps they can show her how it feels to be loved, how it feels to have someone love you despite all the shit you put them through, the way she always did for me. She deserves to have that too. Thinking about it makes it hard to breath but this is the way it should be. I should have let her go a long time ago instead of sinking my claws further into her and wasting her time on me.
I'm divided, half of me believes she will come back to me tonight, maybe tomorrow, and forgive me but the other half of me thinks she really is done trying to fix me.
I don't know how much time passes before I pull myself up from the floor and pad into the bedroom. When I do I nearly collapse again. The bracelet I had made for her sits on top of a piece of paper, the nook, and a copy of Wuthering Heights. I pick up the bracelet, twirl the music note charm between my fingers, and curse at myself. Why would she leave this here? It was a gift from me to her, in a time when I was desperate to show her my love for her. I needed her love and forgiveness and she gave it to me. Much to my horror, the piece of paper under the bracelet is the handwritten letter that I wrote to her. My chest is slowly being ripped open and it's contents are being tossed onto the hard floor as I begin to read over it. Memories flood my fucked up mind, the first time I told her that I loved her then took it back, the date with the blonde girl that I tried to replace her with, the way I felt when I saw her standing in the doorway after reading the letter. I continue reading.
You love me when you shouldn't and I need you. I have always needed you and always will. When you left me just last week it nearly killed me, I was lost. So completely lost without you. I went on a date with someone last week, I wasn't going to tell you but I can't stand to chance losing you again.
My fingers tremble and I nearly tear the flimsy paper while trying to hold it still enough to read on.
I know you can do better than me, I am not romantic, I won't ever write you poetry or sing you a song, I am not even kind. I can not promise that I will not hurt you again, but I can swear that I will love you until the day that I die. I am a terrible person and I don't deserve you but I hope that you will allow me the chance to restore your faith in me. I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and I understand if you can not forgive me.
She did forgive me though, she always has forgiven me for my wrongs but not this time. I was supposed to be restoring her faith in me yet I continued to hurt her over and over again. My hands work quickly tearing the pathetic confessional into pieces. They fall onto the concrete and swirl around each other before settling into a scattered pile.
How could I destroy the letter? I know how much that damn thing meant to her and I turned it into a pile of shit.
"No! No, no, no!" I scurry to the ground and frantically try to pick up the pieces to restore the page. There are too many pieces, none of them line up and I keep dropping them back onto the floor. This must be how she felt trying to put me back together. I kick my boot at the pile of scraps before picking the scraps up again and putting them in a pile on the desk, covering them with a book so they can't blow away. Pride and Prejudice, of fucking course.
I lay back on the bed and wait for the sound of the door clicking open, signaling her return. It never comes.
Tessa's POV.
"I'm fine, I just.. Hardin is.. he's out with his father and he locked me out and I need somewhere to stay until he comes home Monday." I lie to Steph. I don't want to tell anyone about my relationship problems, especially right now when I haven't had a chance to process what just happened. That's exactly why I called Steph, Landon is too close to the situation and I don't want to trouble him again. I have no other options, that's what happens when you have one friend who happens to be your boyfriend's step-brother. Well ex now..
"Okay, come on over. I'm in the same room as before, it will be just like old times." She says and I try to laugh.
Great. Old times.
"I'm supposed to be going to the mall with Tristan later but you can hang out here if you want, or come along. It's up to you."
"I have a lot to do to get ready for Seattle so I'll just stay in the room."
"I hope you are ready for your party tomorrow night!"
"Party?" I question. Oh yeah, party. I have been so preoccupied with everything that I forgot about the party Steph has planned for my going away. I'm pretty sure they are having the party regardless if I show up or not but she seems like she really wants me to go. Hardin refused to go, immediately shooting the idea down but Hardin isn't around now, and I don't want to say no to Steph since she is allowing me to stay with her for the weekend.
"One last time, come on! I know Hardin probably said no but,"
"Hardin doesn't decide what I do." I remind her and she laughs.
"I know! I'm just saying, we won't ever see each other again. I'm moving and so are you." She whines.
"I will think about it. I'm on my way now." I tell her. I drive around before making the twenty minute drive to campus to stay in Steph's room for the night. I have to make sure I will be able to hold myself together in front of her, no crying at all. No crying. No crying. I bite down on my cheek again to stop myself from giving in. Luckily I am used to the pain by now, I'm practically numb to it.
By the time I get to Steph's room she is in the process of getting dressed. Her red dress is being pulled down over her black fishnet stockings when she opens the door with a smile.
"I've missed you!" She pulls me in for a hug and I nearly lose it.
"I missed you too, it hasn't been that long." I smile and she nods. It feels like ages ago that Hardin and I met her at the tattoo shop, not a week.
"Guess so, it seems like it though." She grabs a pair of knee length boots out of her closet and sits down on the bed. "I shouldn't be gone too long, make yourself at home, but don't clean anything!" She says, noticing the way my eyes are scanning the messy room.
"I wasn't going to!" I lie.
"You so were! And you probably still will." She laughs and I try to force myself to do the same. It doesn't work and I end up making a noise between a snort and a cough but she doesn't call me out on it.
"I already told everyone you will be at the party by the way." She adds right as she walks out of the room. I open my mouth to protest but she's already gone.
This room brings back too many memories. I hate this room but love it at the same time. My old side of the room is still empty except she has covered the bed in clothes and shopping bags. I run my fingers along the footboard, remembering the first time Hardin slept in the small bed with me.
I can't wait to get away from this campus, from this entire town and all the people in it. I've had nothing but heartbreak since the day I arrived at this campus and I wish I would have never come here in the first place.
Even the wall reminds me of Hardin and the time he tossed my notes around the room, making me want to slap him but then he kissed me, hard, and against the wall. My fingers move to my lips, tracing the shape of them and they tremble at the thought of never kissing him again.
I don't think I can stay here tonight. My mind will be reeling the entire time, memories will be haunting me, playing behind my eyes each time they close. I need to find something to do to keep myself busy so I get out my laptop and try to search for somewhere to live in Seattle. Just as I suspected, it's a lost cause. The only apartment that I can find is a thirty minute drive from Vance Publishing's new office and it's slightly over my budget. I save the phone number into my phone anyway. After another hour of searching I end up swallowing my pride and dial Kimberly's number. I didn't want to ask her if I could stay with them but Hardin has left me no choice. Being Kimberly, of course she happily obliges, telling me she would be delighted if I stayed with them at their new house in Seattle. She claims that it's even bigger than the house I visited.
I promise her that I won't stay longer than two weeks, hoping to buy myself enough time to find an apartment I can afford that doesn't come with metal bars covering the windows. I almost forgot about the mess at the apartment earlier and someone coming inside when we weren't home. I would like to think it wasn't my father but I just don't know if I believe that. If it was, he didn't steal anything so maybe he just needed a place to stay for the night and he didn't have anywhere else to go. I pray that Hardin doesn't try to find my father and accuse him of anything. I probably should try to find him first but it's getting late and honestly I'm a little afraid to be on that side of town without Hardin.
Better get used to it. My subconscious mocks me and I roll my eyes at her. Can't she give me a break for once?
I wake when Steph stumbles into the room close to midnight, tripping over her own feet as she falls onto her bed. I don't remember falling asleep at the desk and my neck aches when I lift my head and when I run my hands over it , it hurts worse.
"Don't forget your party tomorrow." She slurs and passes out almost immediately. I walk over and take her boots off of her while she begins to snore, quietly thanking her for being a good friend to me and letting me stay in her room with only an hour warning.
She groans and mumbles something incoherently before rolling over and snoring again.
I stay laying in my old bed reading all day. I don't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone, and I especially don't want to run into Hardin, though I doubt I would. He has no reason to be anywhere near here but I'm paranoid and heartbroken so I don't want to take any chances.
Steph doesn't wake up until after four in the afternoon.
"I'm going to order pizza, do you want some?" She asks, wiping the heavy eyeliner from last night off of her eyes with a small wipe from her purse.
"Yes please." My stomach growls and I remember that I haven't eaten once today.
Steph and I spend the next two hours talking about her upcoming move to Loganiana and how Tristan's parents are less than pleased with him transferring schools because of her.
"I'm sure they will come around, they liked you right?" I ask.
"Yeah sort of. But his family is obsessed with WSU or something like legacy blah blah blah." She rolls her eyes and I laugh, not wanting to correct her and explain what it means to families to continue a legacy once it has been in the family.
"So the party, do you know what you are wearing yet? Or do you want to borrow something of mine for old times sake?" She smiles wickedly and I shake my head.
"I can't believe I am even agreeing to this after.." I almost mention Hardin but I redirect, "after all the times you have forced me to come to these parties in the past."
"It's the last one, plus you know you won't find anyone even remotely as cool as us to hang with at the Seattle campus." She bats her long false lashes at me and I groan.
"I remember when I first saw you. I opened the door to this room and nearly had a heart-attack. No offense," I smile and she returns it. "You said the parties were big and my mother nearly passed out. She wanted me to switch rooms but I wouldn't.."
"Good thing you didn't, you wouldn't be dating Hardin," She smirks and looks away from me.
For a moment I fantasize what it would have been like if I had changed rooms and never saw him again. Despite everything we have went through, I would never want to take any of it back.
"Enough reminiscing, let's get ready!" She cheers, clapping her hands in front of my face before she grabs me by the arms and drags me off of the bed.
..
"Now I remember why I hated community showers." I groan while towel drying my hair.
"They aren't so bad," Steph laughs and I roll my eyes, thinking about the shower at the apartment. Every single thing reminds me of Hardin and I'm doing my best to keep this fake smile while inside I'm burning.
My makeup is now applied, my hair curled and my dress is being zipped by Steph behind me. The yellow and black dress that I bought only a short time ago fits perfectly for a party. The only thing keeping me standing and smiling right now is the hope that the party may in fact be fun and I can have at least two hours of peace without the burn.
Tristan arrives a little after eight to pick us up, Steph refuses to let me drive because she plans for me to drink until I can't see straight. I think I like her idea. If I can't see straight then I can't see Hardin's dimpled smile or scowl in front of me every time I open my eyes. It won't help though, I see him even when my eyes are closed.
"Where's Hardin tonight?" Nate asks from the passenger seat and I panic momentarily.
"He's out with his father until tomorrow." I lie.
"Aren't you two leaving Monday for Seattle?" He questions.
"Yeah, that's the plan." I feel my palms beginning to sweat. I hate lying and I'm terrible at it.
"Good luck to both of you, wish I could have seen him before he left," Nate turns around and offers me a sweet smile.
"Thank you, I'll pass the message to Hardin." The burn increases.
When we pull up to the frat house, I immediately regret my decision to come here. I knew this was a bad idea but I can't think clearly and I needed a distraction. This isn't a distraction, this is one big reminder of everything I have been through and subsequently lost.
It's almost humorous, the way I regret coming here every single time but somehow I always end up here even after all this time.
"Showtime," Steph hooks her arm through mine and gives me a wild smile. For a moment her eyes brighten and I feel as if there is something else behind her choice of words.
(I loved reading everyone's Halloween plans! I hope you all have/had a great day! xo) +