"I'm so thrilled that we got to see Max and Denise again, it's been years!" Karen gushes as Ken starts the SUV. The bags have been placed securely in the back and I borrowed Landon's headphones to distract me during the drive.
"It was nice, Lillian has grown so much." Ken appeases Karen with a smile.
"She has. She is such a beautiful girl." I can't help but roll my eyes. Lillian was nice and all but after spending hours under the impression that she was interested in Hardin I'm not sure if I will ever care for the girl. I'm grateful that the chances of me seeing her again are very slim, hopefully nonexistent.
"Max hasn't changed over the years." Ken remarks, his voice is low and dissaproving. At least I'm not the only one who doesn't care for the harsh man.
"Do you feel any better?" Landon turns around to ask me.
"Not really." I sigh.
He nods, "You can sleep it off during the drive, do you want a bottle of water?"
"I can get it." Hardin interjects.
Landon ignores him and grabs a bottled water from the small cooler on the floor in front of his seat. I thank him quietly and push the ear buds into my ear. My phone freezes repeatedly so I turn it off and on again hoping it will work. This drive will be miserable if I can't drown out the tension with music. I don't know why I never did this before the "great depression". I smile slightly at the ridiculous nickname for those long days without Hardin, I don't know why I'm smiling when in fact those were the worst few days of my life. I feel it now too, I know it's coming again.
"What's wrong?" Hardin leans down to speak into my ear and unthinking, I jerk away. He frowns and doesn't make a move to touch me again.
"Nothing, my phone is just.. it's junk." I hold the device in the air.
"What are you trying to do exactly?"
"Listen to music and hopefully sleep." I whisper.
He takes the phone from my hand and removes the battery, "If you listened to me and got a new phone, this wouldn't happen." He scolds me.
I bite my tongue and stare out the window while he attempts to fix my phone. I don't want a new phone, I don't really have the money to get one right now anyway. I have an apartment to find and new furniture to buy, bills to pay, the last thing on my mind is paying hundreds of dollars for a new phone.
"It's working now, I think. If not you can just use mine." He says. Use his? Hardin is voluntarily offering me to use his phone? This is new.
"Thanks." I mutter and scroll through the song list on my phone before choosing. The music floods through my ears and into my thoughts, drowning out the inner turmoil. Hardin leans his head against the window and closes his eyes.
The dark rings under his eyes give away his lack of sleep and a wave of guilt hits me but I push it back.
Within minutes, the calming music brings me to sleep.
..
"Tessa," Hardin's voice wakes me. "Are you hungry?"
"No," I groan, not wanting to open my eyes.
"You're hungover, you should eat."
"Fine," I give in, I don't have the energy to put up a fight today.
Minutes later a sandwhich and fries are placed on my lap. I pick at the food and lay my head back on the seat after finishing half of it. My phone has frozen yet again, halting my distraction.
"Here." Hardin pulls the cord of the headphones out of my phone and plugs them into his.
"Thanks." He has already opened the music for me. A long list appears on the screen and I scroll through to find anything familar. I almost give up but my eyes move to a folder named "T", I look over at Hardin who's eyes are closed and suprisingly not watching me. When I tap the folder all of my favorite music appears, even songs that I have never mentioned to him. He must have seen them on my phone.
Things like these make me question myself. The small, thoughtful gestures that he tries to hide from me are my favorite things in the entire world. I wish he would stop hiding them.
...
"We're here! Home sweet home!" Karen wakes me this time. Hardin is asleep, his hand is on the seat between us, his fingers barely touching my leg. He gravitates to me in his sleep even when he tries not to.
"Hardin, wake up." I whisper and his eyes fly open, wide and immediatly alert.
He rubs his eyes, then his head and stares at me, measuring my expression.
"Are you okay?" He asks quietly and I nod. I'm trying to avoid confrontation with him today but I'm growing nervous at his calm demeanor. It's usually a precursor to a blow up.
We pile out of the car and Hardin walks to the back of the car to get our bags.
"Thank you again for coming, it was a lovely time." Karen wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight. "Please come visit soon and take Seattle by storm." When she pulls away her eyes are full of tears.
"I will visit soon, I promise." I hug her again. She has always been so kind and supportive of me, almost like the mother I have never had.
"Good luck Tessa and let me know if you need anything in Seattle, I have a lot of connections there." Ken smiles and awkwardly wraps one arm around my shoulder.
"I'll see you again before I leave for New York so I'm not giving you a hug right now." Landon says and we both laugh.
"I'll be in the car." Hardin mumbles, leaving us standing in the driveway without saying goodbye to his family.
"He will come around if he knows what's good for him." His father says to me.
"I sure hope so." I look at Hardin who is now sitting in the car.
"Going back to England isn't good for him, he has too many memories, too many enemies, too many mistakes there. You are what is good for him, you and Seattle." Ken assures me and I nod. If only Hardin saw it that way.
"Thank you again." I smile at them before joining Hardin in the car.
He doesn't say a word when I get in, he only turns the radio on and sets the volume high enough so I know he doesn't want to talk. I wish I knew what went on inside of his mind at times like this when he's so unreadable.
My fingers fiddle with my bracelet and I stare out the window as the drive continues. By the time we get to the apartment the tension between Hardin and I has grown to an unbearable high. It's driving me insane and he doesn't seem to be effected at all.
I reach for the door handle and Hardin's large hand reaches over to stop me. He brings his other hand to my chin and tips my head up so I have to look at him. "I'm sorry, please don't me upset with me." He says quietly, his mouth inches from mine.
"Okay," I breath, inhaling his minty scent.
"You're not okay though, I can tell. You're holding back and I hate it."
He's right, he always knows exactly what I'm thinking but yet he's so clueless at the same time. It's a confusing contradiction.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore."
"So don't." He states as if it's that simple.
"I'm trying not to but so much happened during that trip, I'm still trying to process it all." I admit. It started with me finding out that Hardin sabotaged my apartment and ended with Hardin calling me a selfish bitch.
"I know I ruined the trip."
"It wasn't only you, I shouldn't have spent time with.."
"Don't finish." He interrupts and drops his hand from my chin. "I don't want to hear about it."
"Okay." I glance away from his intense stare and he puts his hands over mine.
"Sometimes I.. well, sometimes I get..fuck," He sighs and continues, "Sometimes when I think about us I start to get paranoid you know? Like I don't know why you're with me sometimes so I act out and my mind starts making me believe that it won't work or that I'm losing you and that's when I say stupid shit. If you could just forget about Seattle we could be happy finally, no more distractions."
"Seattle isn't a distraction Hardin," I defend softly.
"It is, you're only pushing it so much to prove a point." His tone changes from soothing to ice in a matter of seconds and I wait for the harsh words that are sure to follow.
"Can we please stop talking about Seattle. Nothing is changing, you don't want to go and I do, I am sick of going on and on about it."
"Fine, what do you suggest we do then? You go to Seattle without me? How long do you think we would last then? A week? A month?" His eyes regard me coolly and I shiver.
"We could make it work if we really wanted to. At least so I can try Seattle and see if it's what I really want. If I don't like it we can go to England."
"No, no, no. If you go to Seattle we won't be together at all, that will be it."
"What? Why?" I fumble the words and scramble for my next response.
"Because I don't do long distance."
"You also didn't do dating remember?" I remind him. It's infuriating that I'm basically begging him to stay in a relationship with me when I should be considering leaving him for the way he treats me.
"Look how that is turning out."
"You were literally just apologizing for lashing out at me two minutes ago and now you're threatening to end our relationship if I go to Seattle without you?" I gape and he nods slowly. "So let me get this straight, you offered to marry me if I don't go but if I do, you're breaking up with me?" I wasn't prepared to bring up his offer but I couldn't stop the words from coming.
"Marry you?" His mouth falls open and his eyes narrow. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned it. "What.."
"You said that if I chose you, you would marry me. I know you were drunk but I thought maybe.."
"You thought what? That I would marry you?" All of the air in the car has disappeared and breathing proves harder and harder as the seconds pass.
"No, I knew you wouldn't I just.."
"Then why bring it up? You know how drunk I was and desperate for you to stay, I would have said anything." My heart sinks at his words. I knew this would be his exact reaction but a small part of me, the part that still has faith in his love for me, led me to believe that maybe he meant it.
This is deja-vu, I once sat here, in this seat while he mocked me and laughed at me for thinking we would begin a relationship. The fact that I'm just as hurt now, actually a lot more, than I was then makes me want to scream. I don't though, I sit there quiet and embarrassed, just like before.
"I love you, I love you more than anything Tessa and I don't want to hurt your feelings, okay?"
"You're doing an amazing job." I snap and bite down on the inside of my cheek. "I'm going inside." He sighs and opens his car door at the same time. He opens the trunk and I offer to help him carry the bags but he shakes his head and carries them himself.
"Did you forget to lock the door?" He asks, pulling his key from the lock.
"No, you locked it. I remember." I watched him lock the door before we left, he rolled his eyes and made a joke about me taking too long to get ready.
"That's weird." He says, and steps inside. His eyes scan the room like he's searching for something.
"Do you think.."
"Someone was in here." He answers, his face pales and he presses his mouth into a hard line.
I begin to panic, "Are you sure? It doesn't look like anything is missing." I walk toward the hallway but I'm pulled backward by him.
"Don't go in there until I look around." He commands. I want to tell him to stay put and I will check but I know he would never go for that. It's silly really, the idea of me protecting him when in reality he would be the one protecting me.
I nod and a chill creeps down my spine. What if someone really is inside? Who would come into our apartment when we aren't here but not steal the giant plasma television Hardin has hanging on the wall in the living room? He disappears into our bedroom and I hold my breath until I hear his voice again.
"It's clear." Hardin reappears from the bedroom and I let out a deep breath.
"Are you sure someone was here?"
"Yes, I don't know why they didn't take anything.."
"Me either," My eyes scan the room and I notice the difference. The small stack of books on the nightstand next to Hardin's side of the bed have been moved. I specially remember the highlighted book I gave him being on top because it made me smile knowing that he was reading over it again.
"It was your fucking dad!" He suddenly shouts.
"What?" The thought was already planted in my mind but I didn't want to say it.
"It had to be him! Who else would know we were gone and come into our home but not steal shit? Only him, that stupid, drunk mother-fucker!"
"Hardin!"
"Call him, right now." He demands.
I reach for my phone in my back pocket but freeze, "he doesn't have a phone."
"Oh yeah, of course not. He's fucking broke and homeless."
"Stop it. Just because you think it may have been him doesn't mean you can say things like that in front of me!"
"Fine. Let's go find him then."
"No! We should just call the police and report it, not go on a manhunt for my father."
"Call the police and say what? That your drug addict father broke into our apartment but he didn't steal anything?"
I stop in my tracks and my eyes flare along with temper, "Drug addict?"
He blinks rapidly and takes a step toward me, " I meant drunk.."
He doesn't look at me, he's lying. "Tell me why you said drug addict." I demand and he shakes his head, running his hands over his hair.
"It's just an assumption, okay?"
"Why would you assume that?" My eyes burn and my throat aches at the thought.
"I don't know, maybe because that guy who showed up to pick him up looked like your everyday meth addict. Did you see his arms?"
I remember the mean itching his forearms but he was wearing long sleeves. "My father is not a drug addict." I'm not sure if I believe the words that are coming from my mouth but I'm not ready to face the possibility.
"You don't even know him, I wasn't even going to say anything," he steps toward me again but I back away.
"You don't know him either and if you weren't going to say anything why did you?" My bottom lip trembles and I can't look at him any longer.
"I don't know," he shrugs.
"I do, you said it to hurt my feelings. As usual." My headache has now multiplied and I am so exhausted that I feel like I could pass out at any moment.
"No, I said it because it just came out and he broke into our fucking apartment."
"You don't know that."
"Fine Tessa, you go ahead and pretend that your dad who, may I remind you, is a drunk, is perfectly innocent here."
"You're a drunk too!" I remark and cover my mouth instantly.
"What did you say?" He eyes me like a predator, circling me.
"If you think about it, you are. You only drink when you're upset or angry, you don't know when to stop drinking and you are an angry drunk. You break things and get into fights,"
"I'm not a fucking drunk. I stopped drinking altogether until you came along."
"You can't blame me for everything Hardin."
"I'm not blaming you for everything, I'm blaming you for the shit that you do."
"Okay Hardin, you win. I ruined your life and I force you to drink, I force you to lash out at me, and I make you miserable. I get it!" I shout, waving my hands through the air like a lunatic.
"At least you get it!" He shouts back.
"Well good thing I won't be around to do it any longer. Two more days and you'll be rid of me!" I stalk out into the living room and he follows.
"That's not what I meant! You know I don't want you to leave me." He's no longer yelling.
"Yeah, well you do a pretty good job at showing me otherwise."
"What is that supposed to mean? I tell you how much I love you on a constant!"
"You don't even believe that yourself, I can tell." I saw the flicker of doubt cross his face as he shouted the words to me, he knows that he doesn't show his love for me enough.
"Tell me this then, you think you can find someone else to put up with your shit? Your constant whining and bitching, your annoying need to have everything in order and your attitude? Guess again Tessa, no one else would!"
I laugh. I laugh right in Hardin's face, even with my hand covering my mouth I can't stop. "My attitude? My attitude? You are constantly disrespecting me, you're borderline emotionally abusive, obsessive, suffocating, and rude. You came into my life, turned it upside down and you expect me to bow down to you because you have this idea of yourself that is complete bullshit. You act like you're this tough guy who doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself yet you can't even sleep without me! I look past every single one of your flaws but I will not stand around and let you talk to me like that." I pace back and forth across the concrete floor and he watches my every move. I feel slightly guilty for yelling at him this way but all it takes is remembering the words he just said to me to refuel my anger toward him.
"And by the way, I may be a lot to handle sometimes but that is because I am too busy worrying about you and trying not to piss you off that I forget about myself, so excuse me if I annoy you or bitch at you too much when you're constantly lashing out at me for no damn reason."
Hardin's expression is grave, his hands are in fists at his side and his cheeks are a deep red. "I don't know what else to do, okay? You know that I haven't ever done this before, you knew going into this that I would be a challenge, you have no right to bitch about it now."
"I have no right to bitch about it?" I snort. He can't be serious. I thought for a moment he would apologize for the way he treats me but I should have known better. The problem with Hardin is that when he's good, he's so good, so sweet and honest and I love him so, but when he's bad, he's the most hateful person I have ever, and will ever encounter.
I walk back into the bedroom and open the suitcase, dumping the clothes into a pile on the bed. "Where are you going?" He asks me.
"I don't know." I answer truthfully. Away from you, I know that.
"You know what your problem is Theresa? Your problem is that you read too many damn novels and you forget that they are all bullshit. There are no Darcy's, there are only Wickham's and Alec d'Urberville's, so wake up and stop expepting me to be some god damned literary hero because it's not going to fucking happen!"
His words wrap around me and seep into every pore, this is it. "This is exactly why we will never work, I have tried and tried with you until I'm blue in the face, I have forgiven you for the disgusting things you have done to me, yet you still do this to me. Actually, I do this to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm just a stupid girl who loves you too much and I mean nothing to you. Once I leave on Monday, you're life will go back to normal, you will still be the same Hardin who doesn't give a shit about anyone and I will be the one who is in pain and can barely function without you but I did that to myself. I let myself get wrapped up in you, wrapped around your finger, knowing that it would end this way. I thought that when we were separated before you would see you are better off with me than alone, but that's the thing Hardin, you aren't better off with me. You're better off alone." I seethe, "You'll always be alone. Even if you find another naïve girl who is willing to give everything up for you including herself, she too will grow tired of the back and forth and leave you just the way I,"
"Go on Tessa! Tell me that you're leaving me, better yet don't. Just pack your shit and get out." He says, his eyes are bloodshot, his hands are shaking and I know he's about to lose it.
"Stop trying to hold yourself together, you are trying not to break but you know you want to. If you would just let yourself show me how you really feel,"
"You know nothing of how I really feel. Leave!" His voice catches at the end and I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around him and tell him I would never leave him, but I can't.
"All you have to do is tell me, please Hardin just tell me that you will try, really try this time." I beg him, I don't know what else to do. I don't want to leave him, even though I know I have to. I'm literally begging him to ask me to stay.
"I don't want to try anymore, I am who I am and if that's not good enough then you know where the door is."
"That's what you want then? You're not even willing to try? If I leave, this time it will be for good and I know you don't believe me because I always say that, but it's true. Just tell me you're only acting this way because you are panicking over me going to Seattle."
"I'm sure you can find somewhere to stay until Monday," he says, staring at the wall behind me. When I don't respond, he turns on his heel and leaves the room. I stand in place, shocked that he hasn't came back to put up more of a fight. Minutes pass before I finally pick up the pieces of me that he has shattered and pack my bags for the last time.
(Hey guys! I'm home!! I MAY be double updating today for those of you who were nice and patient <3 If I do it won't be for a few hours though. Happy Halloween everyone! What are your plans for tonight? I love you, remember to vote please:) xo