Chapter 87
Like most times, it led me to a coffee shop.
The walk forced me to calm myself down and enjoy the fresh air. Well, as fresh as city air could be.
I found an empty table and began to feed an Owen a bottle before I wasn't the only one having a meltdown.
As I fed Owen, I pulled out my phone. I knew it was a bad idea to do this as soon as I had calmed down, and I honestly couldn't tell you why I tortured myself like that, but I decided to go through various social medias.
I wished I left when Zayn did. That boy knew what he was doing.
I began to feel anxious again, and I knew it was because I had known that all of this was going to happen, but I just thought it would be because of Niall and I. I was jealous, and I knew it was selfish.
And if Niall and I had done this, at least we would've had the video and live stream to back us up. That was what would have really shown how in love we were with each other and Owen, and that there was no doubt that I had completed that pregnancy start to finish.
Now, there was no way to even tell if Louis and Briana were together romantically.
Yes, I got pregnant because of what was supposed to be a one-night stand just like Briana, but at least Niall and I made the effort to see each other.
This, yet again, brought me back to thinking about all the cameras I avoided, risking my safety in the back of a truck, and there were pictures in existence with Louis and Briana.
Owen just decided he was not having that bottle today and began screaming.
I felt so overwhelmed that I felt like I was about to scream too.
Now, I couldn't stay inside the coffee shop with him annoying all the customers, and got up to leave.
This would be another problem that Louis wouldn't have to face.
I gathered my things, put the bottle back in the diaper bag, and pushed the stroller back outside onto the busy streets that would drown out the sound of Owen's cries.
Just as I made my way down a street, I got a call from Niall.
He was probably worried about me and I didn't blame him.
I reluctantly decided to answer his call.
"Hello," I said, swallowing my cry.
"Alyssa, where are you?" He asked. He had an anxious tone to his voice.
"I'm on my way back to the apartment right now," I said briefly and to the point. "We can talk there, don't worry about me."
"Is this about what I think it is?" He asked, not wanting to trigger me. I triggered anyway.
"If what you think it is is the fact that Louis is having a baby that I didn't know about and just ruined any chance we have at telling people the secret we've been hiding for over a year, then yes, it is."
Niall was quiet for a second. I couldn't tell if he was confused or exhausted of this constant circle of torture that we were always faced with.
"Lou told me you stormed off," he said. "Calm down. Do you need a ride? I'm almost back home."
"No, I'm fine," I said. "I'll see you soon." I impulsively hung up the phone. I had to remind myself that I didn't even know if Niall had something to do with this or not, and if he didn't, I had to stop being angry with him for no reason.
I was probably a solid half an hour walk from the apartment, but I didn't see myself getting there any other way. If I sat down in a cab I would probably start crying again, and I didn't feel like talking to Lou or anybody that had anything to do with One Direction.
By the time I got to the apartment, Niall was already sitting on the couch in silence checking his phone.
I walked inside and took Owen out of the stroller and sat down across from Niall and tried to get Owen to finish his bottle.
My hands were shaking as I tried to adjust Owen's position in my lap.
"Let me take him," Niall said, reaching across to me. I took a deep breath and realized that was probably for the better.
I had to calm myself down enough to ask him the first question.
"Did you know anything about that?" I asked him in a quiet, yet controlled tone.
Niall shook his head. "The only thing I knew were the rumors we saw together," he said. "I've told you this before, but we don't talk as much as we used to."
"Even with something that big?" I asked in disbelief.
Niall shrugged. "I mean, we didn't discuss this, and I thought maybe you would know before I did."
"You would be the first person he would've told, assuming you're the only one who would understand," I sat further back into the seat and crossed my arms. "I just don't get it."
I began to rant again about all the thoughts I had earlier when I stormed off about how it wasn't fair that they had it so easy and that it ruined everything for us.
"Do you realize how selfish you sound?" He asked me.
My heart fell in my chest. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"This isn't about us at all," he said. "This is about Louis and Briana. They're not even in a relationship and barley even see each other and now the entire public knows."
I could feel my heart beat begin to pick up again. "Of course you wouldn't understand!" I responded. "You weren't the one carrying the fucking baby and giving up your life just to avoid every camera and be without the one person you love for so long!"
Niall's face fell. "Actually, a lot of that is true," he said. "I don't know how you could even say that."
I shook my head. "All I want is for one moment that all the attention can finally be on us and we can start living our lives normally, but it's never going to happen if things like this keep popping up."
"We are never going to be able to live our lives normally!" Niall replied, raising his eyebrows. "I thought you knew that! Shit happens and we just have to keep going and know that things aren't always about us."
"Things have never been about us! They were about to be and then Briana has to go get pregnant from Louis. It's probably not even Louis' baby."
"What is wrong with you?" Niall asked, his eyes growing narrower. "Why are you talking like this? You were just in this position."
"No, I was never lucky enough to actually show off my pregnancy!"
"Have you been online? Do you see how much hate she's getting? It's not her fault and it's not Louis' fault either. This was all meant to be private." Niall switched Owen's position to his other arm.
"Maybe she wouldn't be getting this much hate if she actually planned everything out for a year and made a video showing that she cares about her family," I shot back, my hand was grasping the end of the chair.
"Who said she doesn't care about her family?" He responded. "I think you really just need to give her a call and stop assuming you know everything about her."
I shook my head again. "Why would I want to do that? I don't trust her."
"Alyssa, I thought you of all people would be able to relate to being in this position."
"I was being smart and kept everything hidden. Nobody even knows that you have a girlfriend. Louis and Briana have taken a completely different route, and it was their choice, so I can't help them with that," I crossed my arms.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"What if I did decide to call? What would I say? 'Hi this is Niall's girlfriend Alyssa and I recently gave birth to his son and Owen and I see you happen to be in the same position. Do you want any help?" I had gotten out of my seat and began to pace back and forth.
"Maybe that's exactly what you need to say," Niall said. "We were going to tell everybody anyway, and if you can help her by doing so, you should."
"What's the point?" I asked, putting my hands in the air.
All of our arguing must have taken it's toll on Owen, because he hadn't eaten any more from his bottle and was starting to cry again.
"I'm going to go put him down so he doesn't have to hear us yell anymore, and when I get back, I hope you have more of an open mind," Niall said, standing up.
I shut my eyes because I couldn't watch him leave. He walked right past me, brushing my side.
Once I couldn't hear any of his footsteps, I sat back down on the couch and broke down into tears.
I always got impulsive when I was angry and ended up regretting half the things I've said.
I was so lucky to have Niall, who didn't raise his voice at me once while I was screaming at him, and how he always puts up with me.
Why did I always do this?
It was time for me to grow up. I was twenty, had a boyfriend and a son, I had to stop acting like this.
But I still couldn't help but feel like all my pain was invalidated. I was still going to get what I wanted, even if it was going to be later than I thought.
Niall gave me a solid ten minutes to cool off, and I felt a lot better after releasing my emotions in that rant.
"I'm sorry Niall," I said when he walked out from the hallway. "I shouldn't have said any of those things but I just couldn't control myself."
Niall licked his lips and came to sit down next to me on the couch. He put his arm around me and looked into my eyes, sparkling with left over tears.
"It's all okay," he said. "I know how overwhelmed you must feel." He pulled me closer into him.
"How did I get so lucky to have you?" I asked, nuzzling into his chest."
"We put up with each other," he said. We both laughed.
"Now, I hate to ruin your temporary calmness, but I still think you should give Briana a call," he said, looking down at me. "It's the least you can do."
I took a deep breath. "Can I just lay here and listen to your heartbeat for the rest of my life?" I asked.
Niall didn't respond, but he put a hand on my back.
"I guess I should eventually," I sighed, sitting up straight. "Have you talked to Louis at all?"
"No," Niall responded. "It was a madhouse after we got offstage. But I have to talk to him eventually too."
"I'm surprised he hasn't approached you," I wondered.
"Me too."
A/N
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