Chapter 86
Before we knew it, we were back in New York at out apartment and it was almost time for the big announcement.
It felt so good to be home again with Niall and Owen, sleeping in our own beds, eating out of our own kitchen, and walking on our own floors. I needed to go to the grocery store after being away for so long, and Niall stayed home with Owen for once. It was great.
We had my mom over for dinner one night and it felt so weird that this might be one of our last normal dinners together.
Niall cooked- like he did a lot of the time when he was home- and it was delicious as always.
Owen seemed happy to be home too, he must have recognized it somehow. He must to be confused being all over the world everyday. But there's just something about home that is so comforting.
"Ready to wake up early for for Good Morning America?" I asked Niall as we got into bed early that night.
"Of course I am," he said, pulling the covers over his bare chest. "You don't have to come if you don't want to. I know you love doing things for me, but if you want to rest at home, I would understand."
"It's not like I get any sleep anyway," I said, turning off the light and slipping under the covers.
And I was right. Owen woke us up at 11pm and 1am, which was frustrating, but Niall got up both times and was able to feed him a little and Owen went right back to bed after being rocked back to sleep.
I couldn't say the same for myself. I was up all night, thinking about how we were going to make our big announcement this week, and how much life would change.
Of course, my life has changed so much in the last year that this was barely significant.
Niall and I both got out of bed before the sun had risen at a mere 3:30 in the morning to get to the studio in time for sound check.
The car was going to come to pick Niall up at 4:30 to bring him to the studio for sound check, and Lou would come to pick me and Owen up a few minutes after that.
We were always on the go, weren't we?
The funniest part was, Niall didn't complain once. I was always used to him whining about how tired he was, but now he didn't say anything.
Maybe because just now he was realizing what exhaustion really was.
When Lou and I arrived, Lou went right to work on Liam's hair.
"Do you want me to start Niall's hair?" I asked. "I think I remember how to do it, if that would help."
"If you need to watch the baby you don't have to," Lou responded, opening a bag of combs, brushes and everything you would ever need for hair and makeup.
"He looks like he's good," I looked down at Owen, who was drifting off in his carrier.
"Go to town," Lou said, handing me a hair drier, moose, and a comb.
I smiled back at her and then took the supplies into the room I knew that Niall was sitting in.
I knocked on the door before turning the handle and walking inside.
"I'm here to do your hair," I said excitedly, putting Owen's carrier on the floor next to Niall's chair.
Niall was facing the mirror, and he could see my reflection without turning around.
"What a treat," he said, smiling.
"This is just like old times," I giggled to myself.
Niall's hair only took fifteen minutes tops, and then he had to go to sound check and I met back up with Lou.
Our job was to watch the camera feedback on the screens in the green room and see if any adjustments had to be made to their outfits or if they were washed out by the lights.
Everything was looking amazing, and there was quite a good-sized crowd that showed up to see them, like always.
Lottie met up with us with coffee just as we began to clean up our spaces, and I was so thankful. I lay out a blanket for Owen to rest on with some toys spread out.
"Alyssa, if you want to go and watch the show from the audience, I can watch Owen. There's a spot in the front row reserved for one of us, and it might be one of your last chances to go without being recognized," Lou asked me.
I pressed my lips together. "I guess so," I said, beginning to nod my head.
"Good choice," Lottie agreed.
I kissed the top of Owen's head before I left. "Mommy will be right back," I said, smiling down at him. "Lou and Lottie will watch you!"
Obviously, he doesn't understand anything that I say to him, but my doctor told me that it's good to talk to him as much as possible.
I made sure to grab my lanyard that verified my authority as part of hair and makeup and followed some signs out to an area reserved for people from the crew.
It was barley 6am and they were just about to start filming. Although the sun was just starting to rise, it was already humid. I was wearing a black top with jean shorts and sandals.
I'm sure that every mom is self-conscious after having a baby, but I hadn't really been that worried about it recently. I had bigger priorities, like a baby. But somehow, now, looking around at all the teenage girls in crop tops and high-waisted shorts, I felt out of place.
I didn't even gain that much weight to begin with, and I was lucky for that, but my body would definitely never be the same as it was before a baby.
I did have something these girls didn't have, and that was the miracle of life. Hell yeah.
And of course, there was the obvious that I reminded myself with every time I was surrounded with One Direction fans, and that was that my baby daddy/boyfriend of over a year, Niall Horan.
I snapped back into my regular confidence after that, and the music started playing, lights began to flash on the cameras, and the boys came back onstage for their performances.
Watching them perform, all I could think about was how badly I wanted Owen to be here with me, watching his dad sing his heart out. But his poor little ears would probably burst.
When he's old enough to wear headphones, maybe I would take him to a bigger show.
The boys sang for a little, and then they had an interview.
Even though I had been friends with them all for so long and talked to them so much, there was always something about their voices that mesmerized me. Maybe it was the accents, but it was aesthetically pleasing.
Everything was going fine until the interviewer asked a question to Louis about the one topic that I had been avoiding for almost a month now.
He said something along the lines of Louis becoming a father, and I swear, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know if it was just because I got uncomfortable when I heard the word "baby" and "one direction" in the same sentence, but I thought there was no way that what I was hearing was true.
"Obviously it's a very exciting time, so I'm buzzing."
Did he just confirm it?
My heart fell in my chest.
I was too scared to ask him about it because of the fact that I thought I would be making him uncomfortable, and then he goes and tells the entire world.
I felt uneasy, and I didn't have my pregnancy to blame for it this time.
I took a deep breath and began to push my way through the other crew members to get back to Owen and Lou. I couldn't stand out there in their presence for another second.
My head was pounding so hard that I couldn't even remember which direction I had came from. I was inside the building and found a bench, so I just took a seat there to try and straighten everything out.
There was no way this could be real.
I was so ready to finally tell the public about Niall and Owen, and now there was no way we could still do it.
I could only imagine what my twitter timeline would look like right now and how everybody was reacting. It hurt a lot because I though that when this would happen, it would be because of me, and it would be in a positive light.
I had spent over a year planning every single move I made around this one moment that was now ruined.
We would never be able to announce it now, this just took all of the attention away and now everybody was probably so overwhelmed.
We just kept pushing it off to try and wait for the perfect time, and now it was too late. Owen was going to be six years old and in kindergarten by the time we told anybody about it.
This secret was weighing me down so much, and the only reason I was enduring this much pain was for Niall and the fact that I knew it could potentially ruin One Direction's career if they had a baby, and of course, now Louis just ruined everything.
My chest burned knowing that I put up with so much stress and now it was irrelevant. I felt like I was mad at Niall now too, and I didn't even know why.
I didn't want to look at anything that had to do with One Direction for as long as I lived.
Just as I thought that, a rack with some clothes on it that said "One Direction" passed by.
I wanted to get up and scream. I wanted to just find the nearest exit and just keep walking until my legs gave out.
There was no point in anything anymore, and Owen was the only thing that mattered to me anymore.
I could hear the screams of fans and the bass from their performance drawing to a close from outside and I didn't want to be here when they got back.
Now that the pounding in my head had moved to my chest, I was able to navigate my way through the hallway and find Owen right where I left him with Lou and Lottie.
I didn't say anything to either of the girls, I just pulled Owen's carrier out from the corner and picked him up and buckled him inside.
They must have been able to tell I was just crying because they froze as I folded the blanket and put it in the bag.
"Thanks for watching him, I have to go," I said, attaching the carrier to the stroller.
"Alyssa, where are you going?" Lottie asked.
I didn't say a word, I just shook my head, and wiped my eyes.
"I'm your ride home," Lou said. "I just have to stay until they come offstage and then we can go."
"That's the point!" I said, a little louder than I intended. "I'm just going to walk, goodbye."
I turned my back on them and began to walk in the opposite direction. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I realized that I had no idea where I was going and I didn't even know where the exit was.
All I wanted to do was give up, but I was a mother now, and I had other responsibilities.
It took me a few minutes, but I found my way out and followed the side walk to wherever it would lead me.
A/N
happy update day! hope you are all doing well, because obviously Alyssa isn't... ):
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