Leah PoV
Last night with Ellie was intense I could see how much she loved me but with her telling me that no matter the outcome she will always love me gives me that sense of hatred in myself. Why and how could I put this pure soul through this. I walk up early and I leave Ellie a note.
"Ellie, I will meet you at counselling I need my mum right now I hope you understand. Le"
I get ready carefully trying not to wake Ellie up who's in the guest room and I head out. The whole drive to my mothers is a blur I mean you know when you drive but can't remember getting to your destination. Well that was me.
"Leah your here early is everything okay" my mother asks.
Just hearing my mother's words makes me break down.
"Mum I don't think I can do this"
"Do what Leah"
"Hurt Ellie mum, I can't force this anymore"
"Whoa Leah what, where has this come from. Sit down and tell me everything"
I'm wrapped in my mother hug the warmth of her soothes me. A mother's hug speaks a thousand words. As I sit across from my mother I turn my phone off I can't be distracted at this time.
"So me and Ellie spoke last night" I go on to tell my mother everything she sits and listens her hand stroking mine.
"Then as we were relaxing Ellie turns and asks me if I'm happy mum like with us"
"And what did you say Leah"
"I just said I didn't know"
"Oh baby girl what is it that's making you so unsure"
"I feel tied down mum" and that's when the truth come out. I felt tied down. Since the marriage well before the marriage I felt like we rushed into it too quickly.
"Tell me"
"I just feel like we got engaged we tried for a baby we got married. It's too much at once. I mean things with me and Ellie were great more than great then we started for a baby and"
"And you got jealous"
I'm surprised at my mother's words.
"I'm not jealous" I snap.
My mother glares at me and I instantly retract into my shell.
"First of all Leah, don't speak to me like that in any instance. Second of all I'm your mother I know you better than anyone else could ever. And thirdly you are jealous, you're jealous of that fact that Ellie's undivided attention won't be on you. Trust me your dad and I went through it when I had you but I knew I would do everything possible to spend the time with your dad. Your bring a child into this world. A child you both spoke about and agreed on Leah. If you weren't ready would you have thought about it? If you weren't ready to marry Ellie would you have said yes when she asked?"
I listen and I know my mother is right. I am jealous.
"You're right I am, I don't regret saying yes to her marriage proposal I don't regret agreeing to a baby but what I keep thinking is I didn't explore the way I should I didn't have my year of being single and excuse me for saying this but sleeping around"
"But your Leah Williamson and I didn't bring you up like that. Yes you was with Jordan do I think that should have ended years before it did. Absolutely but a mother steps back and is there to catch you when you fall."
"But Leah do I think Ellie is the one for you"
I sit and look at my mother I mean she knows best as she says.
"Yes.100% I do. I know deep down you love her but I also think you messed up big time. I won't go over all that again but I do this with some counselling then it should help. Keep your mind wide open. I know that if anything happened to Ellie it would break you, am I right"
Just listening to my mother's words about if anything happens to Ellie makes me instantly feel sick.
" I couldn't think of that mum it's too hard, I feel sick at the thought"
"So I think you both need to go steady on this, be her punching bag, come home to me if you need anything but Leah promise me one thing"
"What that"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, keep going to your own counselling, lose yourself in your football but also show Ellie that you need her aswell".
I can't say anything I just nod in agreement.
"Thank you mum."
"What am I here for. So do you have time for breakfast?"
"Always" I switch my phone on and see a message for Ellie.
"Just seen your note. A mother hug will always help but remember Leah I'm here, el x"
I read the message and I can't help but smile. El it's the first time in a while she has put that and a kiss aswell. I smile like a kid at Christmas. I mean I love her I do and I will do anything to help this but I do need to speak to Ellie about all the things I've told my mother.
I sit for the rest of the morning chatting with my mother and having a laugh. Today is a day off from training. The girls know exactly what I'm going through at the minute and know I'll call them if I need. Alex we have spoken bit about football business if any. We know where we need to be and she is trying again with Jess and I need to focus with Ellie.
"Right mum I need to go, counselling with Ellie awaits and I can't be late."
"Good luck babs"
"Thanks mum"
But is luck what we definitely need?