Chapter 64
I decided to stick around backstage for the entire show. If it was any other night, then I would have gone back to the hotel and get some rest.
But this wasn't just any other night.
Zayn hadn't come to see me before the show, and his bags were basically already packed and ready to go. I didn't even know if I would ever see him again.
I hoped that him and Perrie would come when the baby is born, but I had no idea how much attention he would be getting for this announcement.
"Lou, will you go to the show with me?" I asked her. "I want to see the last show."
I wasn't even sure if it was completely safe for me to go to the stadium, but this would be the last time One Direction would ever be One Direction.
I could tell that Lou was about to object, but when she saw the look in my eyes, she agreed to it.
We had to take a security guard with us just in case things got too wild, but Lou and I were far from crazy tonight.
There's always a certain area reserved for famous people or people who work with One Direction that was isolated from the rest of the general public, and we got to go there.
It was almost like a balcony that was tucked away into the stadium, yet our view was just as good as any of the other ones.
It had been so long since I went to one of their shows, my breath was taken away by what I saw.
There were so many people, and they were all there to support Niall and the boys.
It was completely dark, but there were so many iPhone flashlights, signs, and stage lights that made it seem like daytime.
The five boys looked like they were doing what they loved. I would have never guessed anything would be wrong.
The first show I went to, Owen was nothing more than a cell. Now here I was, eight months pregnant, and I could feel Owen moving around.
I started crying again because Owen would never get to experience One Direction the way that I did. The happy One Direction.
I put my hands on my stomach and tapped along to the music, sucking it up.
The fans were so good to them, singing along to all the songs, cheering as loud as possible when they did something so little, like breathing.
They were all in their perfect little worlds that I wish I was in.
They were so oblivious to the fact that Zayn would be gone as soon as this show was over, that Niall was going to be a dad in less than a month.
What I would give to be one of those fans in this moment.
I felt Lou put her arm around me during Little Things. The entire stadium lit up with lights, and it was so beautiful. All I could think about was back to my birthday when Niall sang his new version of this song.
He probably didn't even know I was in the crowd right now, cheering him on. Cheering all of the boys on.
I had the security guard take a picture of Lou and I at the edge of the balcony, against the lit-up stadium. You could barely make out our faces, but it was proof that I was there.
They all gave heart-felt speeches, telling the fans how much they loved them. They said stuff like that to the fans during every show, but tonight, it felt even more special.
I took in every minute of the show, and the only thing that went through my head was the fact that I was witnessing the end of an era.
So was everybody else in the audience- and they didn't even know it. This was my last chance to enjoy it.
And before I knew it, Lou and I had to go backstage again.
There were a few more minutes left in the show, but we needed to beat the crowds. I wouldn't last two seconds in a crowd like that.
Usually, the boys would rush back to the tour bus or the hotel the second the show ended, high off of adrenaline, but today, they were all moving painfully slowly.
They all looked worn out, instead of how they were usually bouncing with energy.
They filed into the green room, slower than I have ever seen them before. Niall walked up to me and gave me a big hug. He buried his face in my neck. I patted his back sympathetically.
There have been few times in which I had seen him this sad before.
As sad as I was, I needed to stay strong for the boys. As big a part of my part Zayn was, Zayn meant so much more to Niall, Harry, Liam, and Louis.
"It will all be okay," I said to Niall.
There wasn't anybody else in the room that was paying attention to us, and at this point, I didn't care if anybody saw us.
A few more security guards entered the room, and Zayn was the last one in. He didn't look any different than he did before the show. He probably didn't even care anymore.
When Zayn and I made eye contact, I broke free from Niall's arms.
"You've already gotten to talk to Zayn about everything," I began, looking into Niall's eyes. "Can I just have a minute alone with him, to sort things out."
Niall didn't respond, he just nodded and stepped away. I motioned for Zayn to follow me, and then turned into the nearest empty room.
"You might think of me as nothing more than your friend's girlfriend or your girlfriend's friend, but I am a lot more than that," I said, shutting the door behind him. I felt along the wall for the light switch and turned the lights on.
"One Direction has been such a huge part of my life for the past years, and I will miss you just as much as any dedicated fan," I turned back to Zayn as I talked. "I am a dedicated fan."
We both took a seat on some folding chairs, and I realized that my hands were shaking. Maybe it was the stress, maybe it was the nerves, I was too overwhelmed to know why. There were way too many possibilities.
"I trust that you are making the right decision," I added. "I want to believe that you are doing this because it has to be done." Tears began to fill my eyes again as I realized what was happening.
"I speak for all the fans when I say that I just want to make sure you know how much we all love you, and how important you are to the band. You can leave One Direction, but you can't take away all the memories the fans have and the impact you've had."
Zayn remained silent. That was when I knew how difficult of a decision it was for him to make, and how serious he was about it. He wasn't even trying to fight my statements.
I had never thought about the fact that this could be the last effort made to convince him to stay in the band, but his made was made up to the point of which nobody could interfere.
"Thanks Alyssa," he said. "I'm not doing this because I hate the fans, I'm just sick of living like this," he said in a quiet tone of voice.
It pained me to hear him say that.
"We all have our struggles," I began. "My past nine months haven't exactly been a joy-ride, and this is what my life is going to be like forever. I can't change it. But what I can change is how I'm going to accept it. I know I am loved, and that's all I need."
Zayn looked up at me. "We can't all be like you."
I calmed myself with a deep breath.
"I know you're sick of hearing this from the rest of the boys, so I'm not going to try to change your mind. As long as you know the impact that your decision will have. I just want you to know how happy you make people. How happy you make me."
Zayn looked less tense after I said that, and ran his finger over his lips. His eyes were hiding so many secrets.
"I know why I'm doing this," he said.
I pushed some hair behind my ear. "Promise that I'll see you again?" I asked.
"Of course," he said without hesitation. I was put at ease.
"The baby will want to meet you," I added.
Zayn laughed a little, but it didn't feel genuine.
"Give me a hug," I said, getting up from my seat. Zayn knew he had no choice but to hug me back. I was a fan, wasn't I?
The hug was far from romantic, we were nothing but friends, but part of me broke when he held me in his arms. It was because of the realization that nothing would ever be the same when I let him go.
He let me go.
Then, without a word, he took careful steps towards the door and opened it for me.
Things were so tense that I didn't even say thank you. I much rather would have said thank you for five amazing years.
From that moment on, everything felt like it was in slow-motion. It was like I was living in a dream and nothing felt real. How could anything feel real?
The entire following week, things couldn't have felt more... awkward. That was the only word to describe it. Zayn had announced that he was "taking a short break" (which only a few of us knew was false) and the five of us were all stepping around each other's feelings and finding ways to cope.
Niall and I were sitting in bed and crying while listening to all the older albums and reflecting on simpler times.
It was funny, because as soon as they hit the stage as a four-piece later that week, they were totally different people than they were when they were backstage.
We were all wrecks when we were together, but you would think that nothing was wrong when they were onstage. They were staying strong for the fans, and that's why I loved them.
The day that the official statement was made to the general public was a day that I wish I could forget. The useless week that we had spent trying to recover was put to waste when I saw how hard all the fans were taking it.
In fact, I was in so much mental pain, that I almost didn't realize I had more contractions.
There were no more than a few per day, but they were coming. The baby would be coming. Too bad Zayn wasn't coming.
A/N
aw what a chapter
it's so weird to think that it's been almost a year since Zayn left and how devastated I was at the time, and now I forget he was even in the group
Thank you for reading, and please keep voting and commenting
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