The conversation took longer to get on track then expected, thankfully the two understood the urgency of the exchange.
We all agreed we needed to fill in the CPs willing to give us a hand in the escape but would hold off until my chat with the Proxies tomorrow. Last thing we need is to correlate a plan only to have a wrench thrown at us by the Proxy boys.
Helen assured me that the others will waist no time in agreeing to assist, they have been locked in this place longer than I after all, he knows they can be patient a little longer.
"So that's what tomorrow is looking like, huh", BEN sighs, "Bloody and I do the recruiting while you meet up with Slenderman's dogs."
"Might as well take a look at the server while you are in the system, but lets not get hasty and start playing with anything just yet", I narrow my eyes as BENs face scrunches in annoyance, I stop him before he can complain, "Please."
It would be a catastrophic if the breakage is discovered before everything is in place, I won't say it to his face, but BEN plays a vital part in this, and the possibility he could be contained before the breakout is not a risk we can take.
If everything goes well, we should be out before the end of the month.
"We need to get BEN into the system as soon as possible", easier said than done though, this place doesn't leave a lot of electrical devices to work with.
Helen agrees, "unsurprisingly there are no outlets, it is a convict cell meant for the mentally unwell, they aren't going to risk some lunatic sticking something through the socket."
"You think I'm a one show pony?" BEN huffs, "I can use any electrical current to swim around, doesn't have to be something so obvious as an outlet."
Helen narrows his eyes, "Then what? If you can't tell there are little to no options in this room."
"The facility may not have anything direct accesses, for the patients anyways, Bloody can carry me around for the day, you have a physical exam scheduled right?", BEN twirls a finger with an air of pride.
Helen nods, his eyes glazing over in thought, "Yes that would work well."
"Great, we got that figured out quicker then I figured we would", I yawn, rubbing the sleep from under my eyes, "Let's turn in for the night, who knows when that high strung lady will wake us up."
The two of them agree, Helen tightly fasten my (F/C) watch, securing it snuggly against his skinny wrist.
"I'm going to need to turn myself off for the night, the battery in this thing is nearly drained", BEN gave us a wry look, his crooked smile jeered at us behind that small glass barrier, "don't have too much fun without me."
With a wink from the small man the screens glow is wiped clean, leaving a blank face in its wake.
Helen and I look at one another, now that we are alone once more it is still slightly awkward.
"So... you want to talk for a little longer?"
"Maybe", he shifts his position to face me properly, "what do you have in mind?"
"I wanted to ask if you remember a kid we went to school with, Jonathan Blake. Quiet kid, never stood out all that much, ring any bells?"
He looked at me questioningly, tilting his head, "None, no one comes to mind. What does he look like?"
"He goes by The Puppeteer now, I met him again in Spector containment, spooky guy, dressed in black, has a creepy glowing smiley face, he recognized me before I did him."
Helen's eyes widened, "Puppeteer, him I know, I am surprised they managed to get him contained, he is usually so... elusive", he hums, his posture falling into a more comfterbul position alongside the bed, "didn't know we went to school together, never mentioned it, perhaps we've never met before all... this."
I flop myself against the headboard, hugging the dirty white pillow against my chest and resting my chin against it, watching Helen intently as he fiddled with his hands.
"I find it funny, I honestly didn't want to meet anyone from my past, yet I keep seeming to run into you all at once, it's scary actually, brings up some bad memories."
Helen's gaze slowly lands on me, looking me up and down, inspecting my person thoroughly as though looking for something specific, "That deal you made, what was it exactly?"
"Ah", I swallow with a crooked yet fake smile, "That problem I said I have, it's getting in the way of... some things."
"Is it about your mother?"
My breathing hitched, eyes widening in surprise, my heart skipped. I should not be surprised, it was a big incident in that little town, many must have heard of the fire that swallowed my life.
With a humorless, dry laugh I turned away, almost embarrassed with myself, "Yes and no I guess, I didn't ask for her to be brought back to life if that's what you are thinking, even for the almighty Slenderman, it's impossible."
He hums again, sitting himself on the mattress before me, "Then what? my mind can't comprehend how you could possibly end up in this sort of situation, yes the event may have been traumatizing but you had a lot going for you."
"I had a LOT going for me, to much if you ask me. Can we change the subject, I don't want to talk about it", I can feel my stress returning.
"I just want to understand, many CPs have these sorts of past issues, from what I heard the devastation to your home was tremendous, some would even consider you escaping from that fire sheer luck-"
"YES, I'M FUCKING LUCKY OK."
My hands flew to my mouth, my eyes matching Helen's surprised gaze, I took two quick breaths before shuttering out an apology.
"I just want to die ok, just to vanish", my voice is quiet, my hands shook, "Just to disappear."
I fucked up again, I just got things sorted out with Helen and just like that I fucked it.
Helen sat quiet for a moment before slowly sitting himself at my side, he leaned his head against the headboard, looking up at the ceiling in a distant gaze.
"I see", he sighs, his eyes closing.
I look at him through my peripheral, his expression calm and collected as always, his lack of emotion is comforting this time, I can at least see I did not hurt him with my outburst.
"I've tried before, a lot actually", I hide my face in the pillow, trying to hide the tears pricking the edge of my eyes, "But I can't, this world won't let me."
"You're not the only one you know, many of us wanted to die at some point in time. Some have tried, some have succeeded", Helen sighs, his body relaxing, "but, you don't actually want to die do you?"
I whip my head up, offended at his audacity, "did you not hear what I just fucking said! I want to die, and I have tried to die, how can that be so easy to misinterpret!?"
"You don't want to die, you want to disappear, there is a difference."
I grit my teeth, my hands clench dangerously against the soft fabric in my grip, "How? how is it different?"
Helen sat quiet much to my irritation, his head slowly lowering itself from the ceiling, his eyes fluttering open to penetrate my own with a soft, cool intensity, "Jane told me you wanted to be called Smudgy, despite it being a horrible allies."
I cock my brow at him, I am undercover as a Proxy, what's so weird about that?
He continues, "You where a mask as much as possible, despite it being in horrible shape."
I taste blood in my mouth, the metallic taste from my bitten tongue. So do you, where is he going with this?
He seems to understand I am not grasping what he is trying to get at, "(Y/N), that's exactly like many people here. Such as myself."
He smiles softly as I blink at him blankly.
"A world where you are no longer known as (Y/N), a place where no one knows who you are, what you have been through, where the you, you are now no longer exists. Sound about right?"
My mouth gapes open, I shift away. Is he right? No, it can't be that easy. To die, or to disappear, what the hell is the difference? If I am gone....
"..."
Helen sighs as he watches me zone out, he leans' himself against me, placing his head on my shoulder.
"I looked up to you, you know, admired you. Back in school, you held your head so high", he chuckles, "You always acted like you could do anything, like a bird in the sky, knowing your just another human, is quiet comforting."
"Ha", I can't bring myself to smile with a head is full of conflict. Helen's warmth is calming me, when did having someone by my side bring me such solace.
My eyes soften as Helen's soft raven hair tickles my cheek, the atmosphere no longer holding negative emotion, leaving a blurry, tired mess.
Helens ears glow with a soft pink, his actions unfamiliar to himself, awkward, embarrassing, he has no clue if what he is doing is necessary, he is not use to 'comforting' someone he does not wish to offend, yet he feels as though doing nothing in this situation would yield poorly for his and my relationship.
His head grows ever heavy against my shoulder, his breathing gradually softens steadily falling into a quit rhythm.
I can finally feel myself smile, a glimmer of a good memory, it lasted a fraction of a second as our conversation comes back to mind.
Do I truly hate living? Or do I just hate (Y/N)?
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Oof, getting back into the spirit.
I want to thank you all for following, I am amazed at the steady increase of friends I am getting, it is truly motivating.
I have a lot of projects I am excited to make, the issue with this is I want to instantly jump into them and add it to the list of the several other projects I am doing.
In the future I am hoping to make an RP quiz on Quotev, I also found a sight where I can make visual novels that's pretty cool, not to mention the amount of stories I have planned.
Thanks again everyone!
Sincerely,
Little_Holdup.