Chapter 55
My doctor and I left for our flight to Japan to be reunited with One Direction and the crew.
I was extremely antsy and couldn't sit still in my seat.
My doctor tried to keep my thoughts occupied by asking me where the hotel was or what I thought it would be like, but it didn't help.
We discussed plans for delivery and all that jazz as well, but Niall didn't leave my mind.
I didn't regret my actions, but I did regret the affect that they had on him.
I wondered if he would be happy to see me, or if he would still be hurt. I had no idea how he would react, since I hadn't talked to him in almost two weeks. That was part of the suspense.
I imagined running into his arms and holding him so tight that I could hear his heart beating from the adrenaline.
That scenario was so impossible that I laughed at myself.
Whether he would be happy to see me or not, it would be a long time until we could embrace each other in public.
The plane landed fairly soon and we got into a car to bring us to the hotel.
My hands were folded above my baby bump and I couldn't keep my feet still, they were violently tapping the floor.
"What's going on?" My doctor asked. I looked up at her and realized that I had been making more noise with my foot than I had thought.
"Oh, you know," I said. "The usual."
It was disappointing how my life had turned into periods of distress and periods of even worse distress.
That was the reason why I had left in the first place, to escape the stress.
Looking back on it, the 'vacation' didn't relieve any stress. If it did, I wouldn't be this nervous right now.
"I'm sorry," the doctor said. Her vision returned to the window, and I looked back down at the floor.
There wasn't much she could say. I didn't know what I would tell myself if I was her either.
There were no words that could heal what I was feeling.
"You know, I can take care of the luggage and the hotel if you want to go see them," she said abruptly.
I looked up at her in surprise, my eyes wide. I didn't even need to confirm who "they" were.
"Really?" I asked. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear that, it was like I was expecting it even though I knew I wasn't.
"You shouldn't have to worry about anything," she said. "Just go get your reunion over with so you don't have to think about it anymore."
I swallowed hard as she yelled to the driver to drop me off at the venue on the way there.
I guess there is no better time than now.
I began twisting my ring in apprehensiveness and peered out of the window. I had exactly no idea where we were, but it was the last thing I was worried about.
I could feel Owen moving around, and it was beginning to get uncomfortable. I didn't even know how he still fit in my stomach, but he had to keep cooking for at least another month.
I didn't know if I could make it another month and a half feeling the way I was.
The car pulled to a stop, and I jumped out.
"Bye, thank you!" I said, waving. The car pulled away down the street and I was alone again.
It wasn't until the car totally disappeared that I realized that I had no idea what I was going to do now.
I didn't have a ticket, I had no way of getting into the venue.
I walked the way to the doors and watched people flood inside. I looked for a security guard or somebody that I recognized, but they were all from Japan, not from the original crew that I was familiar with.
I searched my pocket for my phone to contact somebody, but then I realized that I had left it in my carry-on in the car with the rest of my luggage.
I bit down on my tongue. Of course this would happen to me. I was anxious enough as it is, and now I was stuck outside the venue in a place that I had no idea where I was.
I felt my heartbeat pick up as I looked around for a familiar face.
It was almost like loosing your mom in the grocery store, only a lot more dangerous.
"Owen, right now would be the perfect time for you to arrive," I said sarcastically.
Judging by the way things were going right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I went into labor right now.
I put a hand on my head and felt some sweat.
There was a bench where I was standing and I decided to take a seat to try and calm myself.
I put my head in my hands and tried to relax with a deep breath.
I had to remind myself that everything would be okay, but it was starting to feel like I had hit rock bottom.
Melissa screwing everything up, management doing their job too well, being apart from Niall too long, I had even spend a night in jail.
If things could get any worse, I didn't want to see.
I let it all out.
I was glad I wasn't wearing makeup today, because it would have all been flooding down my cheeks like a charcoal river.
I wiped my eyes to try and clear my face, but the tears kept coming. I didn't want them to stop.
It felt kind of good to let my emotions out, and I felt more secure knowing that there was nobody around that I knew to judge me.
I had spent more time crying in the past few months than smiling, and that was saying a lot about me.
I just wanted something to hold on to. A promise that wouldn't break.
But if I had learned anything through this experience, it was that things build up only to break into a million sharp pieces.
I had been sitting by myself for probably a half hour when a small child ran up to me and grabbed my legs.
"Um," I started to say. I looked down at the little girl. It was Lux.
"Lyssa!" Lux said.
I sat up straight and my senses perked up.
"Oh my god, Lux!" I said, starting to stand up. If Lux was here, than Lou couldn't be too far off. "Lux, where's mommy?"
"You're Alyssa, right?" A dark-haired girl walked up to me and asked.
"Gemma," I said, and ran up to her to give her a hug. Well I didn't actually run, because when you were this pregnant, that was equivalent to suicide.
"You're Niall's, er, friend, right?" She asked again.
"Yes that's me!" I said. "We met in London, at the book signing!" I spoke fast, as if I was trying to prove to her that we were friends. "I'm so happy to see you!"
"Are you okay?" She asked, gazing at my mess of a face. It didn't take a genius to know that I was sobbing a minute earlier.
I told her everything that had happened. I left out details about Melissa, it was like mentioning Voldemort.
I told her that I had left because of some problems and I hadn't spoken to anybody from the crew or band in a while. I also told her how I had ended up here and how grateful I was that she came when she did.
"Lux wanted to go outside for a walk and we were just coming back," she said. "I'm glad we came back when we did." She looked at my stomach. "You must be due soon!"
I let out a small laugh and put a hand on my stomach. "Late April, early May," I said proudly.
"Let's get you inside. I'm sure everybody's going to be happy to see you," she said. I doubted that, but it took a lot not to correct her.
She took a hold of my hand and Lux walked in front of us. There was a side entrance around the corner that we used to get inside, and it was guarded by security.
They must have seen Gemma or Lux before, because they didn't ask any questions about me.
As soon as she opened the door, I felt my heart beating uncontrollably.
I knew that I could possibly see somebody that I knew with the next corner that I turned, and I didn't know what I would do if I saw Niall.
He was all I could think about.
Being backstage again brought back all the memories of arguments and being scared. I felt out of place with all the people busily working around me.
I held on to Gemma's hand like it was my mother's and I was afraid of getting lost.
I was already lost.
"Lyssa, I love you!" Lux said as we walked. That brought a small smile to my face.
I hoped that my baby would be as sweet as Lux.
We passed many doors with labels on them. I saw one for Louis and the crew for the opening act.
The feeling in my stomach grew stronger as I knew we were getting closer to our destination.
"Look who we found outside!" Gemma said, pulling me into a room. It took me a second to adjust to my surroundings.
As I looked over the room, I saw Lou, Lottie, Caroline, and a couple other stylists I recognized. No Niall. I took a deep breath.
"Oh my god, Alyssa," Lou said, putting down whatever she was working with to give me a hug. "I didn't even know what happened to you! I'm so glad you're back."
"I'm glad to be back too," I said, which was only a half-lie.
I missed being around Lou and the others everyday.
"How are you? Is everything going well with the baby," she asked.
"The baby's doing fine," I said. It was me that needed a bit of help.
"That's great," she said. I knew that there was a huge elephant in the room, a question that everybody was dying to ask me.
There was a period of silence, and I watched their faces as they tried to decide what to say to me.
What did you say to a friend who showed up unexpectedly after she disappeared without contact for almost two weeks?
Lou's bottom lip flinched and her eyes twitched as she processed what was happening.
"You know why I left," I said, hoping to clear everything up without directly saying it.
There were people in the room other than the people who knew the secret, so I had to be discreet.
Lou stood still.
"I knew that was the reason," she admitted to herself.
Lottie was next to welcome me with a hug. I forgot that we had told her before I left, but it felt reassuring that she understood.
"I'm sorry," Lottie said. I wrapped my arms around her in return.
"Have you talked to, um, you-know-who, yet?" Lottie said after pulling away.
I shook my head. "I haven't spoken to him since the day I left," I said, then pressed my lips together. I could see Lou bite the inside of her cheek.
"I know where he is!" Lottie said eagerly. "I'll go get him!" She raced out of the room as soon as she completed her sentence.
I watched her go, and I was unsettled with realization.
"Come have a seat," Lou said, grabbing hold of my shoulders. She led me to the couch and I took a seat.
I knew she understood how hard this was going to be for me, but at least I could finally see how he would react.
I heard Lottie's voice in the hallway, and I knew there was no turning back now.
A/N
no matter how busy I am, I'll always have time to update lol
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