I fell in love with a broken woman.
She's amazing just the way she is, but she can't see it by herself.
"I love you," I spoke to her.
She gives me a bitter smile. "Magsasawa ka rin."
She's always like that, like all the men in the world would break her.
She's so advance.
I'm still pursuing her despite of her trust issues, despite of her always pushing me away.
At first I thought she was just over reacting, but when I got to know about her past.
Four men that came in to her life just broke her.
Now I know where she is coming.
"I want to be your friend, but I want to court you, I want to be with you," I uttered with consistency within me.
Genuineness and consistency are the only I can have and give her for now.
I should earn her trust.
"Just stop pursuing me. Sa una lang naman kayo mababait at magaling. Just please, I know that move," she said like she knows every personality that a man have.
"Pero ibahin mo ako," I contradicted her.
"You are making me laugh. That's what all men in my past just told me " Yes, she laughed but without humor.
I asked her friends about her, and they told me... she changed.
She's kind, she's appreciative, she's innocent, she always give efforts in everything she loves, she's jolly... she's an epitome of angel.
I want to punch those men who hurt and broke her, but somehow I envy them because they see that side of her, that I can't see now.
Because what I am seeing on her, she's cold, she's sarcastic, she's a pessimist, she thinks negatively advance, she hates everything around her.
And it's not her fault why she became like that, the one who to blame are those jerks who took everything on her.
And with that, I fell for her more, again and again. I am drowning for loving her, and I will never seek for a help, if she's the reason why I am drowning, then so be it.
I became serious on her.
One year had passed by, now she let me to court her.
It was the happiest day of my life.
This is just the first that I am willing to give everything for a girl.
I gave everything that I have for her. I just realized that I love her more than myself.
But we are on our third year anniversary, when I got the news.
She cheated on me.
That news made my whole existence numb.
She wouldn't right?
So I confronted her.
"Why would you do that?" I asked calmly.
She deeply sigh. "Kasi alam kong magsasawa ka rin sa akin, alam kong mawawala rin 'yang pagmamahal mo sa akin, alam kong iiwan mo rin ako... pagod na ako eh, kaya uunahan ko na bago mo ulit ako wasakin—"
I cut her off. "So ako yung sinaktan mo na walang ibang ginawa na mahalin ka at maging totoo sayo nang una pa lang? You are the first girl that I gave my all and everything, hindi mo man lang ba naisip na yung kaisa-isang lalaking naging totoo at mahal na mahal ka ay mararanasan kung ano yung naranasan mo noon? Alam mo yung sakit eh kasi ikaw mismo naranasan na masaktan! Sana man lang naisip mo na kung ano mararamdaman ko ngayon habang nag loloko ka!"
I can't help but to burst out. It's breaking me.
I saw her crying.
"A-Ayoko lang naman na masaktan ulit. Natatakot ako, kasi lahat ng pinapakita mo sa akin ay ganoon ang ginawa nila sa akin noon." She sobbed.
"Kaya ako ang sinaktan mo? You are selfish. Lahat pinapangunahan mo. Just let me tell you this, not all men is what you are thinking, don't just rely on your past. And fck those men who made you like that."
She became silent.
I continue. "I just realized, I shouldn't love a broken woman, I shouldn't love you... because there's a huge possibility that I will lost myself making you a whole."
She looked at me directly on my eyes that full of tears and sadness.
"Sa kagustuhan kong mabuo ka, ako naman yung nasira," I almost whisphered.
I wiped my tears. "Our relationship is toxic. Hindi ako ang may mali rito, you should learn to love yourself more, you are the one who's gonna fix yourself, you should trust yourself first before trusting someone. I learned something about us, and thank you for breaking me. I need to fix myself again, before entering a relationship again."
"W-What do you mean?" she asked.
"Let's break up. Let us grow up without each other, because growing depending on someone will never work, we are the only one who can make ourselves better and whole. Just too bad, because before you fix yourself, you lost the only man who genuinely loves you. You lost me. Maybe I didn't came to your life for us to end up together, but I came to your life for you to learn, and for me to realize."
She whispered my name.
"Believe me I love you, but I need to let go. If loving you means losing myself, then I should stop," I added.
She cried, and broke once again... but I know this happened not to make her worst again, because this happened for her to become a better version of herself. This happened for her to become brave and strong again.
I am thankful that even if we will not ended up together, I became a big part and a big lesson in her life.
I realized too that love is not just enough for someone to stay. Sometimes love is leaving someone to make them better.
--
HartleyRoses