That was the first time since my mother died that I had cried myself to sleep. Helen did not say anything for the rest of the night, not use to consoling someone he remained quiet while holding me tight. It was all I could ask of him.
I woke up alone in my bed, my body sluggish and weary, I don't feel like intermingling today, I don't feel like doing much at all.
I could not recognize the reflection staring back in the shattered remains of the mirror, something so utterly worn and broken, I thought I had managed to mend myself a little better the first time, but the cracks run deeper then I could see.
I cup my hands under the tap, splashing my face a few times with the cold water, running my damp fingers through the strands of hair and tried to smile at myself.
I feel gross. Disgusting. My smile so crooked and forced, I feel entrapped within the walls of my past.
My life has always been a circle, a dog chasing it's own tail, a repetitive loop of forgetting and being forgotten. It needs to end, and it ends with me.
The fake smile falls to a strained glare, a piercing hate filled gaze meant only for me.
The (F/C) watch hugged my wrist, concealed only by my sleeve, I've tried to convince myself Dr. M should bare no blame in my pain, but the label of a birthday gift acted as a needle, the cold steel of the watched pricked my skin, I shall not take it off, not yet.
One month, I'm going to get us out in one month, I need to promise myself this, less I become ensnared in a loop once more.
Helen knocked on the door, "its time for breakfast, you ready to go?"
I grabbed my mask from the side of the sink, looking once more at my reflection with the melted white plastic placed securely on my face, nodding contently when I can no longer compare the reflection to myself.
The nurse lady from the morning prior took us down the hall once more, there is a lot of foot traffic today, doctors, guards, and nurses heading in one direction, Helen mentioned something about a rumor that the schedules where changing, perhaps the faculty members are gathering for a meeting.
"Both of you will be starting in the yard today, breakfast will be late" the lady's monotone voice sounded distant, I am not paying total attention to what's happening, next I know my feet are on the concrete surface of the yard.
The number of people in the yard is larger then yesterday, many separated in groups for themselves, most minding their own business.
The grey sky gave the yard a haunting vise, coating the area a monochrome hue, the soft whispers of the patients drowning out the eerie silence.
Helen took a hold of my sleeve, a grim look in his eyes, he pulled me along by the arm to the direction of the picnic table, the benches already filled with members of the familiar group.
"What is happening?" Helens hushed voice spread through the table, drawing out the quiet conversation already being held.
Nathan spoke up, his deep, gruff voice still perfectly audible despite him trying to whisper, "I heard some nurses talking when I was in my room, apparently some patents died. well not some, a lot, no one we know but the employees are freaking out"
I sat myself beside Jane, resting my chin on my knuckles, "so they are having an emergency meeting, leaving a lot of people unattended in one place is not a great idea"
"They know that" angel huffed, biting on her fingernail, "we have managed to stay under the radar with the normal psychos, but they have been trying to rat out us CPs for a while, there probably going to implement something to speed up the proses"
"This is going to be such a pain in the ass" Nathan sighs, drooping in his seat.
"Speaking of a pain in the ass" I followed Jane's gaze, Jeff nonchalantly approached are table, a sick smile tugged his cut lips back, a young girl jumping up and down beside him like a puppy, her brown eyes lit up with admiration as they held onto Jeff's frame.
He stopped beside where I sat, baring down at me with his muzzled grin, "miss me asshole~"
"No, not really" I didn't look at him, keeping my eyes on Helen who sat across from me, I've no desire to communicate with this guy, and its not jus because he hit me with a chair.
"Fuck off Jeff, no one wants you around here" Jane began to stand, Clockwork put a hand on her shoulder, keeping her down, she shook her head, sticking her young out childishly. The young girl behind Jeff returned the gesture, flipping use the bird, "you guys are mean, Jeff just wanted to talk~"
"Oh shut it you fake, we all know what it looks like when Jeff is starting a fight" Angel also tried to get off the bench, Helen held her back, shaking his head in discomfort for the situation.
Jeff giggled, pulling at the restraints on his arms, his eyes wide and narrow, focusing on my figure.
His companion cheered when he pulled the straps apart, lunging for my throat with his unclipped, jagged nails.
I tumbled out of the way, falling from the back of the bench and rolling onto my feet, Jane smacked Jeff upside the head when he got to close to her, she swore at him loudly.
He however ignored her, returning his attention to me, he popped his shoulders, standing confidently.
"You really- ack!" I was going to ask him a sarcastic question when his companion kicked me in the shin, my body hobbled to get my weight off my leg.
"Ha-ha that's what you get" she looked so pleased with herself, jumping up and down while watching me regain my posture.
Jeff growled, "Fuck off Nina, don't get involved" Jeff would have frowned at her if he could, preparing to lunge at me once more. Nina backed away, a pout on her lips, she posted herself on the ground a few feet away, crossing her arms around her chest to sulk.
Helen had stood the first time Jeff came at me, fully preparing himself to step in should it come to it, I put my hand out, keeping him stationary, "I'm fine Helen, don't worry"
He wanted to argue but the others at the table talked him out of it, eager to see where this situation would go.
Jeff ran at me, the action hectic and simple, he swung his arms like a rake, trying to claw at me with his nails.
I stepped out of range, his movements far less threatening than Toby's hatchet, I kicked him in the ribs, pushing him back on his feet but not doing any damage.
"This is stupid" the sentence fell under my breath, my mood already soured early in the day.
"Your stupid!" Jeff's face was turning red, he gritted his teeth, the grinding so audible I cringed, I wanted to laugh at his sorry excuse of a comeback, but the bitterness in my mouth kept me quiet.
He came at me again, hooking the fabric of my uniform between his fingers. He pulled me to him, ramming his knee into my stomach, the air exited my lungs at once, bile rising up my throat, I swallowed it down, grabbing both sides of his head and smacked his chin into the forehead of my mask.
Jeff reached to hold his jaw, tearing off the barred muzzle, the straps taking some of his raven hair along with it, he spat on the ground, spitting out blood from his bitten tounge, "come on now, I know you can do better then that."
He chuckled, stretching out his arms and leaving himself open, "I'm not playing with no pansy! Hit me like you mean it!"
The heat from my breath irritated my face, my gut twisted in pain from the blow. You want me to hit you, you say?
Fine then.
I closed the distance in a flash, pooling all my anger and irritation into my fist, Jeff fell back from the excessive force, his back colliding with the hard concrete and my weight on his chest, my fist firmly planted in his face.
My knuckles stung from the blow, so much so I may have broken a few fingers, my other hand balled up beside my head, wanting to feeling the same sting on its flesh, I hit him again, he did not move to fight against me, laying limp under my body.
My breathing fell heavy, the heat urging me on, Jeff's lip bled alongside his nose, he spat off to the side, looking up at me while I contemplate to hit him a third time.
Jeff's voice lay quiet, his eyes staring up at the sky, "... he said 'hi' right, how is he doing?"
My breath caught, my mind slowing itself down, "... He looked fine. Cut up but breathing."
I lowered my fist back to my side, trying to regain myself while Jeff chuckled underneath me, "I see... I see"
A small crowd that had formed around us began to disperse, returning to there previous activities not that their entertainment had ended.
I stood, dusting myself off, feeling a little uplifted about the day, I took a long exhale to get rid of the last of the heat on my breath.
Jeff sat up, rubbing his swollen cheek, he too seemed to have calmed down, a spark of interest in his eyes, "not the worst, thought your brain had been fried by that 'thing', you pansy."
I hummed at him, a small smile on my face, "if anyone's fried here it-"
A long painful shock jolted down my spine, my nerves screamed as I fell to my knees, choking on my own saliva while tugging desperately on the collar around my neck.
Jeff wreathed kicking his legs and swearing at the top of his lungs, a red light glowed steadily on his collar.
The shock ended swiftly, lasting half a minute, But the numbing, tingling sensation remained, my ears buzzed obnoxiously, and my fingers twitched involuntarily. I was paralyzed.
Four armed personnel swiftly marched out of the building, pushing patients out of there path with no warning.
"Patient CH-0029, to solitary confinement, room 076. Patient PN-0242, to solitary confinement, room 075."
I watched helplessly as Jeff's limp body was carried away, Helen stood off to the side, his fists balled, Angel and Clockwork held him back from running over, unreadable expressions clouded there faces through my blurring vision, Nina tried to follow Jeff but the line of on looking patients boxed her out.
My sight began to falter, black speckles layered my surrounding, the buzzing in my ears dimmed.
I groaned, irritated and angered, my life is toying with me.
All I have felt today is pain.