"What do you mean you are a homosexual now?" Ellie stopped brushing her hair mid comb and turned around to look at Mark. Thankfully Boyd was still asleep and was spared from this very strange morning conversation. "Are you implying that you want to put my data in a male body?"
The look she gave him said 'I cannot believe I am programmed to love you because I would've left your dumbass ions ago'. Yep. All of that was said in one look. But you could dumb it down to a look of disgust.
Mark opened up the calendar app on his phone and showed Ellie how it's June, Pride Month. "Okayyyyy so like, because it's June, the entire rest of the month I have to be gay. So that means all of my photos, merch, profile icons, you name it, all have to be switched to rainbows!" Mark was changing his twitter icon to a picture of him with a rainbow background behind him as he spoke. He continued "And I was a few days late so I'm going to have to be SUPER gay to make up for lost time! Oh, and sorry but I can't post any photos of you and me until July? Cool? Cool."
"I do not understand. You are going to lie to the public about your sexuality to gain traffic on your social media? Is that what you are getting at? That is very disrespectful to the people of that community." She turned away from him and started brushing her hair again. "I advise against doing as such but do as you wish. I will wait patiently until it backfires."
During all of this, Glomgold was nibbling on his 10th packet of goldfish. Mark was forced to leave to go to a gas station with him at 1 am due to his constant whining for his "reward".
"OI!" Glomgold scrambled out from underneath the bed on all fours; a trail of goldfish being left behind him. "CAN I BE YOUR BOYFRIEND?!"
Mark looked over at him in disgust. "Ummmmm NO!" He finished changing all of his profile pictures and bios to represent pride month before looking back up at Ellie "Dude, this won't backfire on me! I do this shit every year and every year it's nothing but a huge success and marketing ploy from the LGBT peeps who want dope Waddle tote bags with their pride flag stamped on it!" He shut his phone off and started to rummage through his Jimmy Buffet shirts (the only shirts he had at the moment) before looking up at Ellie yet again with his dumbass self. "Yoooo also, could you find me a pair of scissors? I need to make crop tops."
Ellie sighed, knowing damn well it was going to backfire, before digging through her purse to pull out scissors. Yep, she always had those on her too, along with the pens. She figured it would be best to always keep a pair rather than resort to a broken mirror when someone needed to be stabbed. And yes, the scissors were from a Jimmy Buffett gift shop so the handles were nothing but palm trees and parrots.
"Make sure to return them just in case I must stab someone." She said while handing it over.
Mark did some type of excited, girly giggle as he yanked them away, immediately going to work on his soon to be crop tops.
Stepping over Glomgold who was now licking his ass on the floor, Ellie headed over to where Boyd was to wake him up for breakfast. As she gently shook him, someone knocked on the door. Ellie ignored it which was a silent command for Mark to get it. It was either Gyro or Gloria seeing if they were ready to head out.
Mark successfully cut one of his shirts into a crop top and put it on to replace the older, more hetero, shirt he was wearing. After admiring himself in the mirror and taking a selfie, he heard the door knock again. He huffed and answered the door. His eyes widened when he saw that it was Heidi. Mark was still not the biggest fan of Heidi and the fact that she was right in front of him again made the red flags in his head go up. "Ummmmm, hi?"
"Hey, Mar." Her smile was a bit unwieldy and she didn't make eye contact with him until after she spoke. "Sorry to bother you so early but I just wanted to apologize for, uh, literally everything. That wasn't cool of me, I guess."
"Oh.... Umm, yeah yeah It's cool." Mark awkwardly stood there as well, not sure what else to do. After a painfully long minute of silence he spoke up again "Is there anything else you wanna say or..." He trailed off. All he really wanted to do right now was to finish cutting up his shirts into crop tops and talk about how great being gay was on Twitter.
"Um..." There was more Heidi should say but it was hard to come up with something. She took a moment to think but it was best for her to just start speaking to avoid awkward silence, even if she had no idea where she was going with it. "No, it's not cool. I've done a lot of fucked up shit and that was definitely the worst. I swear to you I've never kidnapped anyone before, or shot anyone, or killed anyone... until yesterday." She did a 'stop' motion so he wouldn't respond yet. "I didn't kill anyone yesterday either! But, yeah, you know what I mean. This is no excuse, Mar, but being forced to be in a gang to make ends meet kinda changed me as a person until the point all of this happened. I know T-bag and the gang seemed nice and like they were friends of mine, but it was just an act dude. Like everything else. They did a lot of stuff to me that I eventually did to you guys to just let it out I guess? And also because I was so desperate to get out of there and prove my ma wrong. She was right about me anyway but whatever..." Heidi still had no idea where she was going with this. "I know you're rich so you don't get it, but being broke and how the real world functions when you have nothing is a whole other ball game that I was not prepared for. I don't know what else to say dude. I guess seeing all you guys happy and having what I wanted was an extra push that just sent me over because of how unstable I was, er, am. I'm not expecting you to forgive me. Or anyone to forgive me. But I really am sorry, Mar."
Mark stood there and processed everything Heidi said. "Okay, yeah what you did was pretty shitty but it's over with now. So we can just move on from it already, right? At this point, as long as you legit cancelled out our marriage, I don't see any more issues." He shrugged before changing the subject. "Yo, hey, before you leave," Mark pulled out his phone again "are you gay or whatever? It would boost my follower count if I have pictures of me with LGBT homies. Oh, bonus points if you have rainbow swag gear to help prove that you're gay or whatever. If you're not then ummmm... please leave. I can't be around any heteros for a solid month."
"Um..." That wasn't the response Heidi was expecting. She was too caught up in her apology to remember how fucking stupid Mark was so it surprised her much more than it should have. "That's a personal question. But, uh, yeah. I hope we can just move on because you guys are pretty cool." She still didn't like Mark, but yet again, who did? Other than Ellie. "Tell Ellie I'm sorry for shooting her and... whatever, yeah?"
Heidi didn't bother to hear a response and left to head back to her motel room until Gloria came over or until she worked up the guts to just ditch. Whichever came first.
Mark closed the door and went back to cutting his shirts. "That was Heidi at the door. She says sorry for like, everything she did. Also I guess she's straight so that's... something. God... straight people..."
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The Glomgsquad met up with Heidi at the First Watch breakfast restaurant that was close by. They all knew that their time there was going to be an awkward one, but they also knew that Heidi needed a chance to apologize to everyone for her actions. This was her chance to sit down with all of them and properly explain herself in a more calm environment. Glomgold wasn't there. He didn't want to go. And why would he? He had his one true love: Goldfish. There was no point in dragging him along to a restaurant when he was just going to complain about the lack of goldfish and bite another waitress.
Everyone was still getting themselves gathered; looking at the menu, Ellie fixing Boyd's hair, etc. But really, everyone was just trying to seem busy to avoid the conversation was soon to be unavoidable.
Heidi sat beside Gloria, much to both of their discomfort. But Heidi did so on purpose. Gloria was the one who deserved the apology the most out of everyone.
It took some courage, but Heidi eventually tapped Gloria on the shoulder when she was still looking at the menu. "Hey, Glo. Do you mind if I speak to you for a quick sec? We don't have to go anywhere, I just want to apologize to you separately instead of, well, in front of everyone..." Heidi nudged her head toward the table to show what she was getting at. Mark was taking 'gay' selfies, Ellie had moved on from fixing Boyd's hair to stuffing all the knives into her purse, and Gyro was coloring on the kids menu with Boyd, chatting up a storm with him.
"Yeah, of course." Gloria said in a surprisingly chill tone. Yes she was still a bit uncomfortable around Heidi but she kept telling herself that she shouldn't worry. She believed that Heidi was genuine in her apology and even if she tried something shady again, Gloria was surrounded by her family to help stop her before she would even have the chance. Ellie was stuffing knives into her purse after all. They were going to be used for murder at some point.
"Cool cool." Heidi's smile was frail and she began to walk on eggshells through her speech. "I already went on an entire rant to Mar this morning so I don't want to repeat myself exactly, but I really am so sorry, Glo. There are no excuses for what I did, at all, and there never will be. But someone's past changes who they are, yeah? I guess you could say that's what happened to me. You all just happened to pop up during the worst stage of my life and got caught in the 'fire' whatever the fuck you wanna say. I think now that I got pulled away from my gang, hopefully, I might be able to start over and do something else with my life. Make something of myself instead of being a deadbeat like my asswipe of a ma." She looked down at her lap. "I do really like you, Glo. And I know it'll never happen and I'm sorry I tried to make it happen. I just dragged you into my shit storm of a life."
Gloria smiled back "Aw, Heidi, that's so great to hear that you're wanting to create a fresh start for yourself!" She continued "Look, I know you will probably refuse it, but after breakfast Ellie and I are going to give you some of the money that we earned from selling all of the drugs at the rave."
Heidi had her mouth open like she was about to speak up in protest but Gloria quickly shut that down.
"We want you to have it. Ellie and I already agreed to it so don't even bother saying that you can't accept it!"
Heidi settled on shaking her head in disbelief, as well as due to pure confusion. "Why? I was horrible to you all. For all you know, I'm just lying again. If I were you, I'd just let my gang get me. I just wanted to apologize before that happens."
"True. You could very much be lying to all of us again, but I don't think you are. I will just speak for everyone when I say that you are a good person, Heidi. You just made a few bumps along the way but really, who hasn't?" Granted, her bumps included attempted murder and kidnapping but who cares. They are bumps nonetheless.
"Thanks... well I guess after breakfast I'll be off. Probably just take my 'cycle and hit the road to head to God knows where." She sighed and continued to look away from Gloria, just sort of staring in space if you will. "I probably won't see any of you again and it's better for you all if it stays that way. I really hope you have a good life with Gyro, Glo. You guys are cute together. I'm sorry I tried to take that away from you. I just knew I would have to let you go and I didn't want to, ya know?" She laughed. "I need a lot of mental help."
Gloria looked over at Gyro who was still laughing and talking with Boyd before staring down at the table. She knew that apology was bound to come up sooner or later. "It's alright, Heidi. I forgive you and I'm sure Gyro does as well, though he probably just won't show it. We are doing much better than we were when we first came to Tampa." She thought that it was pretty ironic and instead of cracking a joke and opening the wound again, she changed the subject "I hope you're able to leave this place safely and find what you're looking for. And who knows, maybe someday when you're in a better place we can all meet up again. I would love to see you around sometime and hear about how great your new life is."
Gloria slid over both her and Ellie's money to Heidi to further prove she believed Heidi could truly start over. It was 600k and although Heidi's previous purpose was to remain supported by someone else and rich beyond belief, the money would allow for safe travels, a home, and even college if she chose to do so.
Heidi gulped, looking between the money and Gloria. Her hand slowly moved over to the stack before shoving it quickly into her bag as if she were smuggling drugs. "Listen... my gang is already looking for me and you guys so you need to get out of here soon. Jimmy will be able to get you a ride so speak with him after breakfast. And as for me..." Her eyes quickly scanned everyone at the table. "I already apologized to you and Mark so I'm sure you can pass on the message. I just... it's not right for me to stay here." She quickly stood up. "I know everyone else is expecting to hear an apology directly from me... but I just can't. Goodbye, Glo. I promise my gang won't find me. And I assume you promise the same."
And as soon as she said goodbye, she waved and started toward the exit of the restaurant, she turned around one last time. "You have my number, ya?" She didn't wait for an answer before she left the building, the bell above the door ringing as it opened and closed lightly.
Gloria watched Heidi leave as she slumped back in her chair and sighed. She spoke up so everyone would notice that she was talking to the whole group. "Okay, so Heidi just left. She took the money we gave her and she's already planning on leaving as soon as she can to another place. She wanted me to tell all of you that she was sorry for what she did." She continued "As for us, she mentioned how we should talk to Jimmy about a way out of here."
Gyro put down the red crayon he was using to 'let' Boyd beat him in tic tac toe. "Thank god. I've had enough of Tampa. Scratch that. Florida in general. We're leaving and never coming back."
"Will Mr. Buffett be willing to give us a mode of transportation that easily?" Ellie asked. "We have not spoken to him since he ever so kindly gave us motel rooms that are themed around himself." If you're wondering, Ellie did not appreciate the motel rooms. There was a portrait of Jimmy above their beds and it appeared in her nightmares.
"This is Jimmy fucking Buffett we're talking about. I'm sure if we ask for a car, he'll give us one." However, Gloria was willing to bet the rest of her drug dealing money that his car radiated some vibe of Florida. There is no escaping the clutches of Florida's wrath.
"Wait so...." Mark paused his Mario Kart game for a second. "Are we just going on some stupid cross country road trip together?"
"We could just leave you here."
He scoffed. "That would be discrimination against the gays sooooo..."
"Against the WHO NOW?!"
Ellie put her hand up to grab Gloria's attention. "Please do not question it."
He scoffed again "Umm alright clearly y'all didn't check my accounts today. Whatever I'll just show you now." Mark held up his phone to show Gloria, Gyro, and Boyd the rainbow everything this guy was currently rocking "Ba-BOOM! So yeah I'm gay now. It's a pretty difficult life but I will manage because I am a strong and brave gay man!"
Boyd looked at his 'father'. "Wait... so are you not with mom anymore?"
"Of course I am! Duh! I'm only going to be gay for a few more weeks until Pride Month is over. As soon as it's July 1st, I'll stop being gay. Simple!"
Gyro thought he was used to Mark by now but he sure as hell wasn't. "...What?"
Ellie interrupted Mark before he was going to answer; if he was that is. "We did not speak of this this morning but are you telling me you are going to have no romantic relation to me all month?!"
That was exactly Gyro's question.
Mark shrugged "Yeah probably." He turned his attention back to Gyro "Since you're the only guy here besides Glomgold, you're going to have to be my boyfriend for the rest of the month. Cool? Cool. Okay Boyfriend selfieeeeeee!" Mark took a quick selfie of both him and Gyro using a gay pride filter and started to type up a caption about how much they were in love.
"EXCUSE ME?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" Gyro attempted to snag the phone away from Mark across the table, but Mark simply scooted back and continued typing. "I AM NOT DATING YOU AND NEVER WILL! JUST PHOTOSHOP YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE OR TAKE PICTURES WITH JIMMY BUFFETT! I SWEAR TO DUCK JESUS!"
Mark laughed and posted the picture on Instagram. "Awwwww! You're so cute when you're mad! God, we are such couple goals!"
Ellie started crying. "You're cheating on me right in front of me?!" This situation was completely serious for all she knew. Homegirl took everything way too seriously.
Mark groaned, feeling like he already explained it well enough the first time. "Nooooooo, Ellie! I'm doing this for pride month! We're still endgame, girl, but I need the online gays to think that I'm one of them so they can buy my sweet pride merch!"
At a certain point, Boyd just knew when to tune Mark out. He continued to draw on his menu, pretending that he wasn't listening to anything that was going on.
Gloria shook her head. "Mark, just when I think you couldn't hit any lower, you pull shit like that. Do you realize how fucked up that is?!... cool crop top, though. Could you do the same to my Jimmy Buffett shirts?"
Mark was still typing away on his phone and shrugged "Sure, why not." He scooted closer to Gyro and put an arm around him "Okay the first one was blurry. Take another pride picture with me, kay?" Mark held up his phone so the camera was getting his best side while he was still flipping through pride filters.
"GOD! SCREW OFF!" Gyro shoved Mark off of him, shoving him to the ground.
Boyd noticed and held back a laugh. He felt terrible for thinking his dad deserved the push but he did. We all know it.
Gyro slammed his hands on the table and pushed himself up. "Screw breakfast! We can pick up fast food or something! We're finding Jimmy and hitting the road! NOW!" He grabbed his man purse and started for the door. "AND I AM NOT SITTING NEXT TO MARK IN THE CAR!"
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"So...." Jimmy stopped strumming his guitar for a second. He was a bit offended that the Glomsquad interrupted his 6th time playing Margaritaville that day. "You all don't have a credit card so you can't buy a car and therefore you want me to give you one?"
"Yee pretty much, dude! I would've hooked us up with a sweet ass ride but none of the car dealerships here accept BeaksCoins! So annoying..."
Everyone, but Mark because he's stupid, assumed Jimmy was going to flatout say 'no' but his face lit up instead.
"SWEET! YOU CAN PICK FROM MY COLLECTION!" Jimmy pulled out his tropical themed flip phone and started scrolling through the photos. The squad gathered around him.
"Okay, this is Sadie." He pointed to an old hippie van. It had his face graffitied on the side along with a jungle and parrots holding margaritas. "She has a good 120,000 miles on her already and might break down soon, but boy oh boy is she comfy!"
He clicked to show the next photo. "And this is Ginger!" It was a rusted pickup truck. A lot of the paint had peeled but you could still tell it had Jimmy playing a guitar while flying on the back of a giant parrot on it. "The inside is small, but there are seat belts on old storage containers in the trunk area. Plus you'll get a nice breeze! Old girl has 130,000 miles on her and will most likely break down soon too..."
He clicked on the third and final photo. "And this is Jessica!" It was a large green jeep. And yes, it had graffiti on it too. Not only did it had Jimmy's signature, but also gators chilling on a beach with margaritas and sunglasses. "There is plenty of room for all of you in her! She's a large gal and she misses the feeling of people riding her. She only had 70,000 miles but her gas mileage is terrible and her engine has gone out a few times already."
Everyone stayed silent and stared.
"Anyway! Which one y'all want?"
"That's it? Don't you have anything that's solar powered?" Mark crossed his arms at all of the ugly vehicles he just looked at.
Jimmy laughed wholeheartedly like Mark had made the joke of the century. "This is Florida! You think we care about the environment?!"
"Solar powered cars are good for the environment? I just thought they looked cool."
Ellie, who had stopped crying by now, was about to give Mark a lecture on solar power but decided not to. She politely grabbed Jimmy's phone to analyze the photos. "Hmm... Sadie will do." She handed the phone back before looking back to everyone. "Not only does she have the most room, but she also is most likely out of the three to survive a long cross country trip. Though the success rate is still low."
Boyd nodded in agreement. "There is only about a 35% percent chance we can make it to Duckburg without breaking down but the other vehicles have less than a 10% chance."
Yeah. They could both tell just by looking at the photos.
Gyro put a hand to his chest and smiled "Well I don't mean to brag or anything but if it does break down I'm sure I have the ability to fix it easily."
"HAHAAAAAAA!" Mark wheezed and had to lean on the desk to catch himself. "YOU?! FIXING A CAR WITH YOUR TWINK ASS?! GOD! THAT'S THE BEST LIE I'VE HEARD YOU TELL, BAE!"
"I CAN TOO FIX CARS AND DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING CALL ME BAE AGAIN!"
"Whatevs, bae." Mark took a sneaky photo of Gyro from a saucy angle before turning to Jimmy. "Yo, Jimboe, we'll take Sadie or whatever. Even though she's disgusting." He held out his hand. "Gimme keys."
Jimmy shrugged and took the keys out from his pocket. He always had all three on hand. "Here you go, pal! Treat her well. Old girl has been through a lot. But I'm sure she'll be happy to know she's going on another adventure."
"I'll tell her!" Boyd offered, excitedly.
Jimmy nodded. "Thanks, kid." He turned to the rest of the Glomsquad. "You all be safe on those roads, ya here? And if you ever need old Jimmy, you know where to find me."
"Jimmy you've been the best character we've come across! You're fucking amazing and I hope to sell drugs to you again soon!" Gloria gave him a quick hug before handing him a sharpie. "Could you sign my shirt again? I lost the old one."
"Only if you keep it on."
Gloria was just about to lift her shirt up too."Deal!"
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Gyro slammed the door of the hippie van shut and had to manually roll down the window. "Gloria. You're sitting in the front with me. There's no way Mark is." He could've said that before getting in the van but whatever.
Before Gloria could respond, Mark was walking towards the van himself "SHOTGUN!!!"
Gloria quickly ran around the van and hopped into the passenger seat and locked the door to claim shotgun.
When Mark finally reached the door he banged on the window. "Yo, not cool! I called shotgun! I have to sit next to Gyro so we can take cute travel aesthetic photos together!"
Ellie hopped into the vehicle after helping Boyd buckling up. "Well, it would not be so terrible to sit next to me, would it?" She crossed her arms.
Mark climbed into the back of the van and sat next to Ellie. "You heteros ruin all the fun..."
"Can we go before my Uncle shows up?" Boyd asked quietly. He was more afraid than anyone to go on a road trip with Glomgold.
Ellie, who had ignored Mark, nodded. "We should indeed get a move on. If we cannot kill him, we may as well attempt to ditch him again."
"I couldn't agree more!" Gyro had to turn the key a few times for the old van to start. It sputtered smoke out from the back, all cliche like, before they were all able to drive off. He really didn't know where he was driving as long as it was north. The sooner out of Florida, the better.
"Aunt Gloria? Can you put on some music?" Boyd attempted to tap her shoulder as well but his seat belt was too tight to do so.
"Sure!" Gloria started to rummage around the van to look for any cds that Jimmy might've left for them. After a good minute of searching she found a single cd without anything written on the cover. She popped it into the cd player to see what it was. Sure enough, it was Jimmy Buffett singing his classic Margaritaville song on loop. Even though Jimmy was no longer with them, they could still hear his sweet voice play through the speakers.
"...nibbling on sponge cake... watching the sun bake..."
Ellie flinched before looking around frantically. "Did anyone else hear that?"
"Hear what, mom?"
"On meh front porch swing...smell those shrimp, they're beginning to boil."
She tensed up. "...That..."
"WASTIN' AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE! SEARCHING FOR MEH LOST SHAKER OF SALT! OI OI OI!" Glomgold popped up from the back, specifically behind Mark. He leaned in, his hot breath radiating onto Mark's neck as he whispered the next lyrics. "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, but I know... it's meh own damn fault."
"GLOMGOLD?!"
"WOT?!"
Everyone in the van screamed.
"OI!" He screamed in return, jumping over the seat to sit in Mark's lap. "IS THIS A FAMILEH ROAD TRIP?!"
Ellie shielded Boyd. "How did you get in here?"
"MIND YOUR BUSINESS!" He cockroach crawled over Mark's face and into the back of the van again, disappearing into a pile of Jimmy's old junk.
Mark didn't say anything. He was in too much shock; his face frozen in what looked like permanent fear.
Ellie laid her hand on top of his. "Mark? Are you alright?"
Mark wiped his forehead with his free hand to act more dramatic. "Yeah, I think so! God Why is he here?! He's so annoying!"
Gyro made a sarcastic "ha!" noise. "Funny! I was just thinking the same thing but about you."
Mark made an evil smirk knowing what he was about to say would piss him off. "Omgggggg babe! We can't start fighting now! Not during pride month!" It was at this point where Mark was really only doing that to get under Gyro's skin.
Gyro clutched the wheel tighter in anger. "I fucking hate this road trip already and we haven't even left Tampa yet!"
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