You're So Golden |H.S|

Chapter 86

But I'm a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you'd want me
If I could, I'd change overnight
And turn into something you'd like

But I'm a sunflower, a little funny
If I was a rose, maybe you'd pick me
But I know you don't have a clue
This sunflower's waiting for you
Waiting for you

***

January 31st

Planning. Planning is the process of thinking about the actions required to reach the desired goal.

That desired goal being the happiness and peace I feel lying beside the love of my life every single night when we finally feel calm as the stars come out to play.

And as that feeling may be my favorite, because of the way things are now, I'm afraid that feeling will never return and will only be remembered as a beautiful yet sad memory, if I choose to stay here beside him.

Decisions, a conclusion or resolution reached after consideration.

After a lot of thinking this morning, sitting beside one of the men I used to fear, I took his hand and made a deal that I feel is the right thing to do to find that desired goal of peace and happiness alongside the boy I love most.

Although my heart breaks for the plan and deal that I agreed to, I am doing the one thing I promised to myself that I would always do.

Protection. A person or thing that prevents someone or something from suffering harm or injury.

Whether that be physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual pain, that's something I'm not willing to drag my boyfriend through to keep me alive and well.

So by making this deal, while the pain will sting in the beginning, I know this outcome will be better for everyone, including myself and everybody else around us.

He may not believe me when I tell him as to why this needs to happen, but at the end of the day, just like he has for me all of these thirteen years, I am finally returning that unforgettable life-changing favor.

I'm protecting him.

For us to grow we need to change. For us to change we need to grow and while I wish I could stand by his side and watch it up close, I know that will only risk everything we've ever built.

A sunflower.

Sunflower is what he calls me and the longer I think about the precious nickname I'm so lucky and beyond thrilled to be called, I've related our situation to those beautiful tall golden flowers we saw that day when he took me on our first day to the field.

Sunflowers grow best and healthiest in locations with lots of suns. They are however remarkably tough and could grow in a clouded gloomed drought, but the lifetime of such a pure and saddened frail flower is not promised.

What is however promised, is a sunflower in a field being shined down on by the bright golden sun, while it has enough room to move around and grow on its own, as it will last and grow much longer and taller than the ones without such a privilege.

These past few months, I have lacked that privilege, and so has Harry.

Because we are two of the same flowers growing beside each other in a dark place, we're not only struggling to grow, we're growing into each other and because of that, we are losing all sense of who we are.