You're So Golden |H.S|

Chapter 83

Pick it up, pick it all up
And start again
You've got a second chance

You could go home
Escape it all
It's just irrelevant

***

January 29th

Waking up today in a bed that wasn't Harry's felt strange, to say the least.

Ashton let me sleep in the guest room and while it was familiar from the last time I was there, it wasn't the same when I rolled over and couldn't see Harry like I'd be able to if I were at home with him.

We haven't spoken much today other than a few text messages, and one short call we had this morning, and while the small amount of time apart hurts I think it's what's best right now.

The argument wasn't that terrible, but I feel like the same fight happens at least once every other week. I already hate the feeling of other people constantly saving me, so when Harry threw it in my face, all those memories and thoughts of wanting to be alone again spiraled around in my head.

I would never do something for him just to toss it back in his face, and in my opinion, everything he said to me was far from true.

Throughout our entire relationship, I've never once asked Harry to help me. If anything, I've only asked him for his support and for him to give me more time to do things on my own, but that doesn't seem to be an option, so how is it fair to blame me when I need to be protected?

And as far as picking me up off of the ground goes, that entire statement was not only uncalled for but far from the truth once again.

I love Harry to death and I'd do anything to keep him safe and loved, but acting as if I couldn't be capable of living without out him is ridiculous to me.

Of course, I'd hate to lose him but I would be just fine on my own. I'm capable of doing things on my own but because I've been so suffocated these past few months I haven't gotten the opportunity to prove myself to anybody.

So for him to say that to me, not only hurt my feelings but has now pushed me to want to prove myself not only to me but everybody else around me.

I know what I'm capable of and I'm sick and tired of being looked at as some mousy girl who has to run away and pray to god her boyfriend will be there to save her.

Because he was right, he probably won't be able to do it forever, so why am I forced to live this life of relying on everybody else for my safety? I'll have to do it on my own eventually, and he'll have to accept that. Because that's what I want to do.

I don't want to break up with him and I know everything he said was out of anger, but that doesn't make up for anything... it only pushes me to want to prove myself to him.

Because after some thinking, I'm starting to feel like he feels as if he needs to protect me because he has for years now. So whenever I try to be more independent he feels like he's not doing whatever it is he's supposed to be doing, and that's sadly not fair to me.

I can take care of myself.

When he stopped me outside and asked me not to leave, the insecurity in his voice broke my heart, and while I wish I could've just hugged him and told him it was fine, it didn't feel right to act like it was no big deal.