HM's Critiques

(3)

•I'll be giving positive and negative opinions. How you respond to the feedback is up to you.•

✰ Author: HiddenEccedentesiast
✰ Book Name: Friend-ship?
✰ Score: 24/30

✰ Cover/Title:
The cover needs to be more colourful and creative- with the title on it. The title is interesting and a good play on words so well done for that. (3/5)

⭐️ Blurb/Summary:
You've written a compelling blurb with no grammar errors. I'd just say to scrap the final line: "that's up to them." Leave it at the question.
(5/5)

✰ Writing Style:
Chapter 1- the opening is playful, exciting and humorous. I like how you begin with the short sentence "it was a sunny day" and the characters were in the house.
Some of your sentences should be the other way around to make better sense. For example you wrote:
'Zander looked at Tyler, suddenly forgetting where he was and wasn't aware he had a stupid smile on his face.'
It should be/ I would write it as:
'Unaware of the goofy smile on his face and suddenly forgetting where he was, Zander observed Tyler curiously.'
To go above and beyond substitute 'and' for colons, semicolons or more ambitious connectives. Furthermore, start sentences differently- so instead of putting an adverb in the middle of a sentence put it at the start. E.G.
'He then smirked as he showed proudly to Tyler that he had beaten the game.'
Instead try: 'Proudly smirking, Tyler boasted his win.'
Finally, work on 'showing' instead of 'telling.' Although you've used this you could do it more. Instead of saying Tyler felt awkward, describe it. He could be fidgeting etc.
You've used some similes but for other chapters keep in mind the use of 3 adjectives, one word sentences, metaphors, repetitions etc.
(8/10)
✰ SPAG:
Your writing seems to be edited as there are limited errors. A spelling mistake was the word whispered and there were a couple of capital letters missed out. More varying punctuation can be used, like hyphens and brackets.
(3/5)
✰ Characters/Plot:
Immediately after reading the chapter I wanted to read more and I loved how playful the characters were. Their lifelong friendship is evident and the dramatic irony makes everything more interesting. I really want to know how they turn out. Both characters are quirky and by revealing short snippets of their life I realise their's more to them than jokes and games. This could be the beginning of a great plot and story line. I'd say for future chapters try not to use too many cliches and add twists to the story.
(5/5)
✰ Recap:
Overall, your first chapter was enthralling and has great potential. I'd suggest creating a new cover first, then just work on different sentence structures and more sophisticated vocabulary. Keep up the work and I'd love to read more chapters.

~Thanks
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