Sing For Me

This is you

Ben's point of view

"Dad what is it?" what is he keeping from us I cant bear the look in his eyes. I get frustrated almost angry "Just tell us Dad for Christ's sake" I snap 

"Ben" Lisa says trying to pull me back 

"Ben it's your mother" I jump of the sofa and go to walk. "Just for once will you sit down and listen lad and not run off at the mention of her" Dad never speaks like this, he spoke like he used to when I was a kid and not doing as I was told. I see Lisa getting nervous. I sit back down "Your mother's dead Ben" it's like the words blow over my head my face doesn't really do anything and my body responds in its usual way 

"And" I snap and with that Dad runs over to me grabbing me 

"You're not listening boy are you" Gran has tears in her eyes "You have to take this is Ben" he says "She's dead, she's gone" I push him off me and run out of the room into the garden slamming the door behind me I hear Lisa shout at me as I do but I cant speak to her.

I run my hands through my hair, my head is thumping all of sudden I've woken Freja up too as I can hear her crying. But I cant feel anything, afraid to feel anything if I do she will get to me again like she always did. Dead, gone out of my life like I told her she already was she tried to make her peace but I wouldn't let her she wanted my forgiveness but I wouldn't give it her, was I heartless did I not care part of me inside was so hard so frightful when it came to her I didn't like that side of me, what if it ever came to the surface what if I ever showed it to Lisa or the kids I'd end up like her causing hurt and scarring them like she did me, maybe I'm not cut out to be a father maybe this is why I've been on my own for so long meant to be that way because there's something wrong with me because she made me this way, I'm like her, suddenly my body goes cold I shiver even though the sun beams on me I feel so alone so scared every bit of me suddenly starts to shake I'm sobbing uncontrollably it's just coming from no where I can't fight it what is it I'm feeling.

I must be in a world of my own because I didn't hear Lisa come out but suddenly she's sat next to me she's talking to me but I can't hear her or make out what she's saying. Her touch her gentle hand on me is cruel I don't deserve this love, this affection suddenly her voice breaks through "Sweetie talk to me please you're scaring me" I can hear her but don't know what to say she comes to kneel in front of me wiping away the tears that still keep falling "Ben baby please" she says she's shaking me now trying desperately to get me to speak. I get up and walk passed her I'm talking but not making any sense I don't think, I'm shouting things about my mother cursing her and Lisa is trying to stop me it's like I can see myself outside of my body "Darling stop this now" she's saying to me I can hear her as plain as day 

"GO INSIDE LISA" I shout at her I cant bear her to see me weak 

"NO I BLOODY WELL WONT" she yells giving me as I'm giving her 

"I don't want you seeing me like this" I snap at her 

"WHY hey afraid I wont think you're a real man Ben" she shouts we've never shouted at each other like this before 

"Why you over confident little madame" I snap Jesus I shouldn't have said that 

"Yeah that's it go on get it out shout at me scream at me Ben COME ON" she says raising her voice once more 

"Don't push me Lisa" I say to her 

"Why what are going to do, pull a strop behave like a child stomp out like you just did" she says I've never seen her stand up to me like this before and I have nothing to throw back at her "What, whats the matter cat got your tongue" she says what is she trying to make me do