Sing For Me

Madness and Making up

It had been a long drive back, Ben looked tired and the kids were niggled, we bathed and changed them and put them to bed, they were exhausted. The flat was still decorated for Christmas it felt like ages since we had been here, the empty pregnancy test kits at the top of the recycling box, the tests themselves still on my bedside table, I felt unable to throw them away, id kept looking at them since Id done them, just to take it in to believe it. Ben had taken a picture of them on his phone for the same reason.... silly I know but we are a silly pair.

Ben had set about taking down the decorations luckily we hadn't put a huge amount up as the flat was too small, too small for our ever growing family, I knew Ben was right and still cringed at he thought that id got so panicky , what is wrong with me am I crazy? He bagged the last of them away put them in the utility cupboard. 

"Sit down sweetie" I tell him "You look shattered" the weather had been bad on the way back and had been a struggle to drive in. I bring him a cup of tea after battling over the fact that he should sit down, he is hard work sometimes. My mood is weird tonight a cross between general grumpy and downright irrational, I'm snappy, I'd snapped at Riley because he didn't want to wear the pyjamas I'd given him, stupid little things. I was short with Ben too but he didn't bite it, he just seemed to be letting me ride it out. There's part of me that just wants him to shout at me pull me out of this.

I come and sit next to him and we cuddle, he suggests we open our wedding cards. Some had come to the house for us, from those that knew about it. The girls from the store had sent a big one signed from them all with a voucher for Ann summers in it, little minxes but Ben smiled cheekily saying he had ideas for it, Staff from the college which made me sure that she must now know we were married, she caused me a sick quickening of the heart. She was just in admin not even a lecturer, nothing important but made herself to be. There was another card the address scruffily written how the postman made it out I've no idea. I open it "To My Daughter and Son in Law" I knew it was from my mother but was too afraid to open it. Ben sees it and takes it off me. He looks in it and his face tells me its not a congratulatory note, she'd obviously put her venom to paper. "Let me see" I say to Ben but he pulls it from me 

"No Sweetheart, you don't need to see it" I get annoyed at him 

"Ben give it to me" he stands up 

"No, I don't want her hurting you again" I go to grab it out of his hand my general hormone fused mood causing me to do so. He tries to fight me but eventually lets go and I read the barely legible writing

I hope you will both be very happy you spiteful little bitch because no other bugger is going to want you, you are no daughter of mine, your so called mother.

Something inside my brain just explodes and I tear up the card in such a rage tears run down my face but I don't cry "Darling stop it" Ben says to me "That's why I didn't want you to see it" I need to let my fury out but I aim it at Ben without realizing. I start shouting at him

 "Why you going to try and protect me again, you going to protect me from every single thing that comes at me" he is shocked at my outburst but doesn't rise to it which makes me worse "Well say something for Christ sake Ben, or are you going to let me behave like the little bitch SHE says I am" his expression changes 

"You are not what she says you are Lis" he says softly 

"YES I AM" I yell at him "I deserve it like I deserve everything that happened to me" he just looks 

"No" his eyes are gentle too gentle 

"SHE told me one night when she was drunk that Matt did what he did because I was a bitch, why because I dared to tell her she had a drink problem, so because of that I deserved it" he refuses to back down anymore and he comes and takes me by the arms gripping me without hurting